[kretzklan]

So we all know when we bring our children home that there will be delays. Especially adopting older children - I knew that would be true. Here is my dilema (and I am honestly struggling):
How do you treat a child as though they are much younger (for instance, an 8 year old who is more like a 4 year old) when they have to exist in the world as an 8 year old?
They have to go to school as an 8 year old...they are seen as an 8 year old in the world. I'm struggling with what the difference in treatment should be. While we struggle with behavior issues, we are still working on attachment...but I keep being told "well, treat him like he is younger"
Excuse the business side of me - but how? I really need action steps...honestly. How do I do that while still sending him out to be 8 in the world? And, not sending him out into the world in not an option (no, I can't homeschool or stay home with him full time)...

Any real "steps" I can take?

[mikeintexas]

Well, Kretz, we struggle with the *same* issue...

We've been told very clearly that we should treat our daughter emotionally as if she is 2 and no older. But mostly what that translates into is (1) the child is not doing things on purpose to annoy us, it is a subconscious process and it is how she is wired...until we rewire her brain, it will be like that, and (2) when she is visibly upset or approaching tantrum, we regulate her as we would regulate a 2 year old. For her, the "time in" translates into sitting next to us on the floor while we sit in a chair. She puts her arms around our leg, we put our hand on her cheek and hold her head next to our leg. This physical closeness is supposed to help them regulate and see that you are "there" when they come down off of their tantrum or sadness.

As for how the child is to function in the real world... I have no suggestions other than to just see everything the child does through the lens of a 4 year old.

But mostly, we've been directed to deal with her emotions like a 2 year old.

I hope others have suggestions... it is a difficult task!

[pequele]

I have no advice sorry but I was just wondering if you are dealing with more than just emotional? Trying to understand here. Are you having issues with things like he needs to learn to wait his turn, please/ thank you...things we all take for granted thatwe learn growing up? Maybe it would help if you could add examples cuz I know I don't quite grasp what you are looking for.

[mjkkbbr]

No advice but I know what you mean. We struggle with this also. Our daughter is also 8 and in 2nd grade. Interest wise and some behaviors are much younger than she actually is. It does not help that she is very tall and looks more like 10.

For example. We have started to talk about Christmas and everything Anna wants is more appropriate for a 5 year old. Do I buy what she wants (think baby doll stroller) but I assume she will outgrow once she realizes kids her age do not play with these or encourage older age toys. I think it is important to let her go through the stages but since she has a 4 year old sister she already has access to these type of toys.

[Jim_in_PA]

Well...every kid is different. In some respects, our 11 year old is "11 going on 30 and 2.5" at the same time. There are times when she eclipses any toddler on the planet in shear parental angst and other times when she is mature beyond her years.

What we all have to remember is that these kids almost always didn't have a "normal" childhood and the nurturing that comes with it. That, combined with fear and insecurity results in the situation most of us experience with our kids. Gently helping the children deal with these things from their history, both directly and with the help of others (professionals) is pretty much what we need to do. Some regression. Some situational play-acting (child initiated). Therapy. And in some cases medical intervention. I can say that it's starting to work for us.

Jennifer's comments about interests "younger" than actual age is also spot-on. N is big into Power-Ranger, SpongeBob and Barbies...

[beckyww]

Our Julia, age 6, is more like age 4 emotionally. She's bright, and doing well in kindergarten - but still, we reason with her more like we did our four-year-olds as opposed to our six-year-olds.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[waiting4babies]

We are going through this with our son as well. He is 5 but developmentally like a 3 to 4 year old. We treat him as though he is a 3 to 4 year old and up until last week, the school system he was in wanted him to act his age. They were clueless even after I explained why he is more like a 3 to 4 year old.

Anyway, I found a Christian private school who has instructors that understand and are more than willing to help him and treat him as we do, the age he really is developmentally. In just a matter of days, he is thriving and he is proving the former school system wrong.

[LilyMoon]

Our daughter, like Jim's, is at times way beyond her years in terms of maturity and at times reverts to acting much younger when she is stressed, scared or needing reassurance. I try and meet her at her emotional level and go from there. I have found great help in Heather Forbes Daily parenting reflections, that many times, refer to this exact issue. They come in a daily email and you can sign up on her website.

At home, it is easy to meet her emotional needs....many times she asks for it now. When she needs to, we play baby games or role play her being a baby. Sometimes she still asks me to feed her with a spoon and make noises and she has to guess what the sound is. We also still do co-sleeping many nights. These are examples of meeting her needs as a much younger child (she is 7). If she gets upset about something, I pick her up, hold her close, and take her to a quiet location where we can discuss it when she has calmed down. Other examples are....I dress her in the morning, sometimes help her brush her teeth, keep things structured and use routines. Sometimes she doesn't want my help and that is fine too. She lets me know, but is aware that I am always there if she needs it. I know that from this place of safety and security and love, she will become strong and emotionally independent when she is ready. She has shown this to me in the 3 years she has been home. I have seen tremendous growth in every way.

At school, she knows she needs to act age appropriate and does. Since she gets her emotional needs met at home, it is not a problem for her to act mature at school. This is what has worked for us.

[mikeintexas]

Originally Posted by Jim_in_PA

What we all have to remember is that these kids almost always didn't have a "normal" childhood and the nurturing that comes with it.

Right on target, Jim. Our therapist says our daughter missed the developmenal milestones along the way that would have propelled her into the next emotional age. So we need to patiently work through them with her.

[orenmommy]

Try to think of everything they missed out on as a child. THinking of "play" activities......pull out crayons with basic coloring sheets, nothing too difficult. Maybe playdough, finger painting, Mr. Potatoe head, building blocks, cutting and pasting. ???? Not sure if I am on track here but I just thought those things are good for motor and sensory skills and your child might have missed out on it. And it's fun! Not sure of other issues. Sounds like everyone is giving great help and many are in your shoes! Best wishes!

[Jen_in_OH]

Ditto to everyone's responses especially Lilymoon.

Our daughter has been home for 1 year & she is now 5. I know that isn't the same as 8, but I think there are some similar issues.

For the first 8-10 months she absolutely loved to play "Baby." Her younger bio brother was 2 at the time. We played her game. We would rock her, feed her, talk baby talk. All of it was at her request and she absolutely loved that "game." Even today she will still occassionally wants to be fed or rocked like a baby. I do it.

She does appear more socially immature than her friends at school, but she is well liked and doing well overall. In private, I still cater to her "baby" side. I still brush her teeth for her and occassionally spoon feed her. Again, this is no longer constant.

I agree with the others that sometimes she seems like she is 5 going on 15 and other times she seems several years younger. I think I prefer it when she acts younger than older! I'm hoping the teen years are slow to arrive!!

Good luck,
Jen

[Aphi86]

I just sent you a pm, but I can add that I have been dealing with this for 8 yrs with my bio dd. As for the immature toys here is what I did. When we moved she wanted a new bedroom set (she got a full bed) of Hello Kitty-dead set on this. I told her no because girls her age were going to not be so into that now. I held firm to that, but let her keep the HK pillow and wallet. Well, sure enough she took it to school and someone said something about it, and just the other day she said for Christmas she would like a cheetah print wallet. She still enjoys Polly Pocket and THANKFULLY hooked up with another 3rd grader who is 6 mos younger who also likes Polly and for the first time the girl has a really good friend. I guess what I am saying is that you need to guide your child on what is age appropriate by talking about it, but let them be the lead on dropping and adding interest when they are ready. Then when they drop it, it will be for good.

[kretzklan]

Our biggest issues are actually communication - and not because of language. He simply doesn't take the cues that other kids his age take. I don't even know if I can make sense of this through writing...it's kind of something we just see. The blank stare when an answer is required. The laughter when a situation is serious. Very immature reactions.
He will let us hold him and cuddle him on the couch - but he will NOT let us treat him like a baby. He doesn't even like me to joke - so I don't feel I can push that on him.
Let's just say homework this year is KILLING us. I have actually had to check out a bit - become less involved, because the power struggle was more than I could handle each and every night.
His play is immature as well - and he constantly wants clothes (as weird as that sounds) that would make him a laughing stock at school (light up spiderman shoes)...no one here wears that in 3rd grade. We have just said NO so far to that.

Our problems are minor - honestly...and I know that. Just during the thick of it...well, it feels like more than that!

[Annabell]

I'm kinda with Mike. Be kind and gentle, and give, always, the benefit of the doubt. It's tough, when they're older, not to attribute deliberation. But think, oh please, think, where, and what, our little ones came from.

Try to understand. Try to be kind. Love. no matter what.

[crick]

kretz...

I'd buy him the shoes/clothes, personally. If he likes them that much and wants them, then I'd get them. Maybe he'll get teased...and he'll learn to deal with it. Or maybe he'll get his feelings hurt and you'll be able to comfort him. Or maybe he won't care. In the grand scheme of things...it's not a battle that I would fight all the time, kwim? Some things I can see putting your foot down on, but not everything.

I know my oldest has inappropriate emotions at times...laughing when it's not funny. I found that it was a defense mechanism for him and he'd rather laugh about something than cry, get mad or anything else. Part of that was fear of being real.."if I'm really who I am, will they still love me?" and part of it for others was "I won't let them beat me". It took time to teach him better ways to express himself.

Has the homework situation gotten any better at all? Has stepping away from it allowed you some kind of break?

((HUGS))