[DoreenG]

Hello,

We're in the midst of our adoption of an older child from Russia. I'm traveling in 9 days to meet *him*, (husband staying home with other kids).

I'm a SAHM of frat twins, b/g, 1w/autism. They are 4.5. My oldest (20 at the time) passed away nearly 2 years ago (11/7/04). I used to have a home on a different parenting forum, but lately things there have gone a little whacky, and I'm looking for a new home. Since we are in the middle of this amazing journey, I thought a virtual home centered around adoption would be more comforting right now.

Hope to hear lots and lots of wisdom from all!

We are asking to adopt a boy, aged 4-8. We are using an agency located in IA, we live in New England. I am very excited, but also extremely scared. I have traveled in Europe a long time ago, but never to Russia and I'm a tad nervous about that, as well as scared to death at the thought of meeting our new son, knowing how difficult attachments can be to form, realizing his life in an orphanage is beyond anything I can imagine...wondering if he'll think I'm ugly or fat or just be plain old terrified of the thought of going so very far away from all he's known.

I've been fortunate to have a few mentors (in the realm of adoption) in my life. An old friend (sadly, we drifted apart ~5 years ago) adopted two darling girls from China, and a very dear friend has 3 daughters from Poland (bio-sisters). They've been a wealth of information, but I still feel like I'm traveling in un-charted territory.

Advice I've received so far has included Cipro, buy all the souveniors I can stand on this first trip, go to the Bolshoi while in Moscow (tickets booked), dress more formally than I normally do (SAHM lives in jeans) address the MOE and/or judge and never the interpreter, get my cash in newer bills without rips or tears, etc.

I'm still petrified.

Any wise words....anyone?

[beckyww]

Starting reading. A lot. "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray is a good start. Other good ones: "Parenting the Hurt Child." "The Russian Adoption Handbook."

And you have your IA doctor on retainer to evaluate medicals?

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[tigger44]

Welcome to the 'family'! This is a great group of adoptive parents who will give you great advice and encouragement. It sounds like you have already made great preparations. And your feelings are perfectly normal, for what you are about to embark upon. As the other poster suggested, read lots of books on international adoption, and ask us any question. We are glad you are here!

[DET62]

Welcome! Nice to see a fellow adoptive parent who is getting an older child.

I adopted my daughter from Russia in 2004 when she was 13. I am in the process if adopting a 10 year old boy from Kazakhstan.

My best advice is to educate yourself now about issues your new son will face. I did lots of reading but nothing really prepared me for my daughter.

You MUST learn some basic Russian. It's not as hard as it looks. You will need to be able to say thing to your boy like "Are you hungry?" "Go to bed" "brush your teeth" etc.

Get ready to teach him English. There's a computer program called Rush into English, plus get him a Leap Pad and a good dictionary. Get books for little kids, designed to teach them letters, numbers, colors, etc. YOU will need to teach him - don't rely on the school.

Talk to the school where you plan to send him, and find out what kind of ESL help he will get, if they will test him in Russian initially, etc.

Get ready for a child who will be in total culture shock and will need reassurance, will need you to explain to him about living in a family, etc. I have written a book from the viewpoint of a 9 year old boy adopted from Russia, and I am publishing it myself. It's in Russian and in English. PM me if you'd like to know more.


It won't be easy, but you will find lots of help and advice here, and I will be happy to help in any way I can.

Dee

[pequele]

you might already know this but take a photo album labeled with pics of home and family ESPECIALLY since you will be the only traveling to see him on trip 1.

I'm new at this so most other advice will probably be better from others

[cathvash]

Doreen, Welcome to this board! There is such a wealth of information here... I'll bet you can't think of a question that's never been asked! Since you are new to the process, I'd recommend that you just keep reading - Page back through page after page of great threads and posts, or use the search function to hone in on specific topics. You will read a lot of things that could be frightening - Since we come here for both advice and support, you'll see the ugly side of things-gone-wrong and heartbreak, as well as joy and wonder and happiness.

Don't worry about your child - He may be shy at first, but that is normal! Take lots of pictures with you to leave with him in an album. I have learned that it is very possible to bond with a picture - PAPs do it all the time, and surely that works both ways to some extent... Once he opens himself to feel your love, your age, appearance, and "strange" ways won't matter. Best Wishes!!

[SingleMama2B]

Hello Doreen!!! Welcome to your new home

The people here on the board are extremely supportive, and UNDERSTAND what you are going through, and what comes next. I brought my DD (Darling Daughter) from the Moscow Region home FOREVER on 01/25/05. When my DD came home, she was 8.3 years old. I hosted her in my home the summer before for 2 weeks. I am a single parent, and love my life. You are right... parenting an 'older child' that has been through things that some adults have never, is somewhat of a challenge. B U T, it is also a wonderful experience. As the other posters have said..... research and read as much as you can to prepare for any challenge. This does NOT mean, that you will have these challenges, but to be able to recognize any (if they come up), you will not waste time. Our wonderful children, have been through alot, and they DESERVE every chance possible of a wonderful future.

As far as traveling to Russia..... I was petrified myself. Adopting as a single mom, I traveled by myself. Now, I had not flown in a plane for 20 years, never outside of the US, and work at the FAA (which sometimes you know too much ), and when that call comes..... you go! I had 5 days notice, but I had to be on the plane in 4 days.... Honestly, I was thinking about DD, if I remembered everything, etc. that the flight was NO BIG DEAL. I choose to stay at the Marriott Rennissance (sp?) hotel, and was very comfortable in a Western Hotel. The Business Center (where they have internet access) was my travel compannion. I was in there ALOT. The driver(s) and Translator(s) that I had, where WONDERFUL. I was never ONCE Scared. I did however choose NOT TO WALK around (outside of the hotel) by myself. When I had some time, I hired the driver and translator to go to Red Square, Kremlin, Bolshoi, Old Arabet Street, etc. I was there over Christmas (Court was 12/23/04, and was allowed to see DD at the orphanage on 12/24/04 (which was a Friday), the her orphanage would NOT allow me to see her on the weekend (even though the Judge granted the adoption, but the 10 days wait was NOT waived), since they said that there wasn't enough staff on weekends.... So, I spent Christmas day walking around Red Square....

Here are some things I would take:
a Journal.... Jot down things (even small ones) every night... It will be a whirlwind in your mind when all is said and done.

Pack some or your favorite snacks.... Feels more like home, and if you run like I did, there won't be alot of time to eat during the day.

Woolite.... This saved me.... I was there, between both trips, 17 days..... I washed my clothes in the tub, and hung them to dry, and it worked great. The cost for washing in the hotel was ALOT. I also opted to take solid sweaters so I could mix and match with my slacks. I did take a black suit for court, and heels. Take VERY Comfortable SHOES. If the weather is going to be cold.... dress your feet for it!! I wore UGGGSSS, and it was the BEST. Moscow and DD's village was extremely DIRTY with soot, etc. Dark color comfortable shoes are the best.

Toilet Paper is a PREMIUM in Russia. Most restrooms do NOT have it. Even at GUM Department Store in the Mall in Red Square, I have to pay 50 Kopeck for 4 squares of TP. Take Travel size TP rolls, and pocket Kleenex packs. You will be VERY HAPPY YOU DID. Also, purse size Hand Sanitizer. Alot of facilities did NOT have SOAP!!!

I agree, purchase your souvenirs this trip, and purchase MORE then you think you Need or have. I thought that I had SOOOO MUCH, but when I got home, I realized how LITTLE I actually had. The second trip, I didn't have as much time to shop, and still regret not getting ALOT MORE!!!

I'll post more as I think of them..... Welcome again, and enjoy!

Blessings...............

[mommyto4]

Wanted to welcome you to this forum, there are lots of wonderful people here with a wealth of information and more prayers and support then you could ever imagin! Best wishes on meeting your new son, how exciting, take a deep breath and enjoy the trip and meeting of a life time, it will be a memory you will never forget, take it all in!!! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Amysue1112]

HI Doreen!
Welcome to the family! This really is a wonderful place..I have been here since o4 when we started our adoption, and these folks helped me through some pretty rough times (and celebrated the great times too!)

Here is a few pieces of info I found helpful...

1) They sell antibiotics otc in Russia...we stocked up on some Amoxicillin just is case we got sick there.
2) The clothes thing didn't seem to be true..they wore a lot of dark clothes, some were really dressed up, others very down. Our interpreter wore jeans the whole time. Don't stress about the clothes, just don't stand out. Tennis shoes really stand out..they have them but they look more dressy. We wore jeans many days.
3) People were very nice. I learned some basic words...Hello, Goodbye, Thank you, Excuse me, I do/don't understand/speak..and the big one I would have NEVER thought would matter...Good/not good...that was very helpful when people were talking about our adoption in Russian....and I heard them everywhere.
4) Go online and get a copy of the subway system in Moscow in English..then you can match it with the Russian one. We did not do this, and got lost underground!
5) Especially in Moscow, there is Sbarro and McDonalds everywhere..you will find food!
6) Russians like carbonated water...ask for "no bubbles" if you like it that way..they usually understand. The tops are color-coded..I can't remember what they are though.
7) Eat Pelmini...they are meat dumplings and more like food we are used to. They sell them everywhere
8) Russians don't have the same "personal space" rules...don't be nervous if they stand VERY close to you in line!
9) Take toilet paper everywhere..they didn't even have it in the courthouse!
10) Be careful about what you say..it is so easy to slip and say.."gosh, they are so poor, how sad" Russians are proud people, and often don't know how bad things look to us.
11) After accepting our referral, we took flowers to the MOE lady..she was very pleased!
12) If you get sick easily, brush your teeth with bottled water, I have known some to get very sick just from washing their teeth with Russian water..I got a stomach thing, but don't know if that was what it was from.
13) I found a backpack purse to be very helpful, and a little medicine box with a few of everything, pepto tablets, antacids, motrin etc. Nice to have if you are gone all day from your stuff and you feel ill.
14) Take some empty trash bags for dirty clothes, and some sink detergent to wash basics.
15) Take a small canvas (or something like it) empty bag. Great when you go to a market for food or buy souvenirs...often they don't have bags to carry it! And helps to use as an extra carry on if you need to..often incountry flights make you check carry-ons, since there is so little space on their planes.
16) Often the hotels are in Euros...just be aware they may cost more than you think...also, there is a VAT tax on everything, which I think is like 18% or something like that.
17) Don't be worried about meeting your referral...from what I have been told with older kids, anyone "new" is exciting to them....bring stuff for him, and I am sure things will go GREAT!
18) You could list your region, so others who have been there can give you region specific info.
19) If your agency is like ours, there was someone to meet us everywhere...never felt unsafe or confused..except in Atlanta airport! haha

Ok, I suppose that is enough info for one sitting! Good luck, and welcome! You will find a wealth of info here, and no question is a dumb one!!

Take care!
Amy

[Amysue1112]

Yes, I second the snack idea..we took cheese and crackers and stuff like that..I sometimes ate them for a meal. It is easy to find food in Moscow, but in our region, we stayed at a BandB and they had only authentic Russian food. It is nice to have snacks, especially if you can't find a meal that you like.

[randloar]

No advice to give (but I am enjoying everyone elses!!! ), but just wanted to say hello and welcome to the group. I hope your journey is smooth!!!

[Teri M]

Hi Doreen - I too am a member of the same site that you are and have been following your journey (I don't post very often there as I got slammed big time by a current and fairly prominent member who is a mother of adoptive Russian children)

This is a great forum - you find helpful, empathetic people who will not take advantage of you, flame you etc. We are all adoptive (or soon to be adoptive) parents and we love this forum and we love helping newbies (or oldies ) here.

You received great advice above and the best advice someone gave me .... just go with the flow - you will be taken care of ROYALLY!!! There will be nothing they forget to do for you - it is amazing that you could really just close your eyes and let them lead you thru the process. Once you are on Russian soil - listen to everything they tell (things to do - or not to do) you - they know this process and what works and what doesn't.

Just enjoy the time meeting your little man. Enjoy seeing the sites of your sons birth country and learn as much as you can about his region. It will be priceless as he grows and starts remembering his past and asks questions (and boy do they).

Leave a disposable camera with the orphanage and ask that they take pics in between your trips - leave your little man something to remember you so when you come back he will have it (like a blanket or a picture of you) - we took a Polaroid camera (yup they still make them) and took pics of the 3 of us and left them in a picture book - our son was 15mos old....

Congrats on your journey - it is amazing and so fun (and goes by sooooo quickly).

Welcome !!!!

[mikeintexas]

Hey Doreen -

Welcome aboard. You have been given lots of great advice, and you are well ahead on things as well. You might take a thing or two to do with your child when you meet him. We had something small we took each time (sticker book, colors & coloring book, puzzles, etc.). We also took the book w/ pictures of the family and home. We left our daughter with a small pink fuzzy blanket and stuffed animal to keep until trip 2 (though we've recently learned that the orphanage staff doesn't always let them keep it as it becomes community property).

I'm glad you are looking for an older child. We adopted our daughter just shy of her 6th birthday.

mike

[kellypmomof3]

Hello,
I hello

[kellypmomof3]

Hello,
I hello and let you know I traveled in Sept on our first trip and I also went by myself and my husband stayed with our other kids.You will be fine,it is a