[GCS]

Can anyone here talk a little about parenting a child after AP?

We are in a place now that I believe attachment is good with our children and I need to change some of the habits I have developed during our time of Attachment Parenting.

Up until recently I would still comfort and hold Sam during/after a temper tantrum. These dont happen that often anymore and usually do now only when he is tired, but I need for him to understand that he does not get special cuddling for being naughty.

I just started with the thinking chair - away from us a bit for time outs (we used time ins until now), and I started sending him to his room when he has a fit at home telling him that he can come out when he's done. I was surprised how quickly and how well that worked. He calmed himself down in minutes and came out smiling and ready to move on.

I've been reading Love and Logic books and trying to create a new dynamic between us.

DH did not really AP the kids. He was traveling a lot and I was home, so it was all me. Sam listens great to DH but rarely listens to me and knows I am a softy.
Since he is not listening, I end up yelling. Not the way I want to spend my day with him. Things progress and we end up with a scene after which I am comforting him.

I like the Love and Logic ideas. Any other tools that help you find a nuturing approach to parenting?
Anyone else dealing with this or am I the only one who let AP turn from nurturing to coddling?

Thanks!
Christina

[Kasey]

Alek was so little when he came home (5 1/2months), so we most likely wouldnt have run into alot of attachment problems if any, but we did alot of AP techniques, more me than DH, I still do alot, 2+ years later, I think I also tend to coddle a little more than DH does and I am starting to see a few things that probably shouldn't be happening.
I have been ignoring tantrums if we are at home and he is in a safe room, I just walk away and tell him, mommy would love to talk to him when he is ready. That has been helping. It is hard sometimes though, because at 2 1/2, it is a tough age, still my little baby, but becoming a "big boy". I also like the Love and Logic and a book that has been good for us, is Raising the Sprited Child (kindly supplied to me by mom after an overnight with Alek!).
One thing lately we have been doing, when he starts whining, crying, acting out over stuff is giving him two choices: 1) you can stop whining and read this book 2.) we can take a break and go rest in your room, things like that, I always make the one choice sound alot better than the other--he seems to like that and it seems to give him some control over the situation.
Best wishes and I would love to hear other ideas as well!

[britfish]

I just read the 123 Magic book and I love that style. It is working great with Grace and has helped me tremendously. It has cut down on my frustrations tremendously. I do modify the time outs a little in that I am always w/ in sight of her during that time (so kind of time ins but a little more space). Honestly the system has worked so well we rarely get to the consequence of a time out.

[LilyMoon]

Have you read "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control" by Bryan Post and Heather Forbes. This book will help you understand your child's behavior and how best to deal with it.

I have to question whether your child has fully attached if he is still displaying tantrums and "naughty" behavior. Attached children really don't tantrum and act defiant.

Using AP does not make you a softy. It is a way of connecting to your child and helping him regulate himself and feel safe with you and then in the world. It is not meant for you to be at odds with your child, but to work together to help your child become emotionally healthy. If you are using punishments and withholding affection to get your child to comply with you, it goes against AP and what you are hoping to achieve.

Reading the above book would help you know what to do in the face of difficult behavior from your child. The result we want for our children is not a child who is obedient out of fear of us, but one who listens out of love for us and knowing that we have their best interests at heart.

I also signed up for Heather's parenting relections that comes daily in email form. It is wonderful and has been so helpful on keeping me focused on the goal of helping my child in the right way. You can sign up for them on their website. If you would like the web address feel free to PM me.

[mycodybear]

Originally Posted by LilyMoon

I have to question whether your child has fully attached if he is still displaying tantrums and "naughty" behavior. Attached children really don't tantrum and act defiant.

Sorry, but I must disagree with this. ALL children have tantrums and act defiant- not just PI children who are attachment challenged.

Christina- I think using the thinking chair is a great idea. I also love the name "thinking chair" as opposed to something like "naughty or time-out chair". I think once children realize there are consequences for their actions that they don't really like, and that those consequences are consistent, you will see a huge change in behavior. Consistency is the key...very hard at times, but very important. My suggestion would be that after a consequence has taken place, just give him a hug, tell him you love him and even though he did a not-very-nice thing, he is still a good boy. I haven't read the Love and Logic book yet, but I like the premise. Good luck!!

[LilyMoon]

Originally Posted by mycodybear

Sorry, but I must disagree with this. ALL children have tantrums and act defiant- not just PI children who are attachment challenged.

Ok, all kids do not have tantrums.....mine don't. As far as behavior, there are behaviors that fall into the realm of normalcy and then there are those that become extreme or continual and concerning. I would guess that if someone is posting about their child's behavior, then it has become a concern and on the high end of the spectrum in terms of what they feel is acceptable. That is the behavior I was referring to in what is attached behavior versus unattached behavior.

Read "Beyond Consequences" which can be helpful for any child not just PI kids. It'll give you another perspective.

[GCS]

Thanks for the advice - I will look into these books.

I am probably using the word tantrum a little too loosely. We really had rages when he first came home. He certainly does not ever tantrum like that anymore. He never tantrums for his father but he will act out for me when he is tired mostly. It doesnt happen very often but I would like to see it stop all together.