[angelkisses0102]

As you may remember we lost a friend last week...just 33 years old with 2 young sons...ages 6 & 8. Tomorrow is the local memorial service for her. DH is just going to that...I knew Alex would never make it through. However, a mutual friend is having a get together at their home afterwords and the newly widowed DH has a video remebering Heather he is going to share with us. (I just found this out an hour or so ago or I would have prepped better.) The kids will all be there. I know Arianna will question this, a lot. I have not spoken to her about Heather dying because she hasn't seen them in about a year, when they moved out of state. She understands death but...I fear the ramifications because she will be with the boys who just lost their mom...KWIM? Seeing a friend who's mom is gone will get to her, I know the questions will come.

And Alex, as much as I want to believe he won't get it...my gut says it could impact him. Thoughts?

I know death is part of life and we do believe in God...but I am worried about the fear?!

[Sally26]

Oh, Karen I don't know. I have a heavy heart for you.

I do know that children that are allowed to experience funerals, and funeral homes deal with death better as adults.

I would tell them to be sweet to their friends as it is a tough time for them, but the boys may or may not be showing a lot of emotion. They have the kids there in their rooms playing which is fine.

I think it is best to not shelter kids from grieve and to grieve to a certain extent in front of them.

Your situation is different. You have done beautifully with parenting your two in the way they need to be parented. I know you will get through this too.

I'll be praying for you all,

[Amysue1112]

Whoa Karen, that is a hard one....first of all, I am so sorry for your loss...as a Hospice nurse, I know that the loss of a young person is especially heart wrenching.

I don't really know how to answer your question....if it were me, I would be a little hesitant to take my young (especially adopted) children into such a grief-filled environment. Children can be very affected by this kind of environment, and it may really trigger a lot of fear about you or dh dying. Especially with the situation so fragile with Alex....

I mean if it were a close family member, well then, i would see it differently. And of course, i think when the time is right, you could/should tell them about her death. That will help them to absorb it slowly, rather than being overloaded.

Especially with kids...they do talk about it...and if one of the boys says "you mom may die too" or something like that, you children could come unglued.

I am not saying don't go, but I would really think it through in regards to the kids. Maybe they will take it just fine, but just be prepared it may shake things up a bit with your kids.

I think it is fine (and healthy) to let your kids know you are sad about it. I am sure they will have questions and you should answer them (thank goodness for our faith!) But it is probably better to deal with this one and one in a safe place (like home).

Just my 2 cents...again, soo sorry for your loss!

[HappyTwinsMom]

We've been having conversations about death periodically with our five-year-old twin girls...mainly because my dad's girlfriend (the only grandmother my girls have known) is terminally ill with cancer. What I've been telling them is that sometimes someone gets so sick that the only way to get better is to go to heaven and live with Jesus. We've talked about how that happened to my Mom (who passed away two months before the girls were born), how we're sad when it happens, that we miss them very much, but that they can't come back to us.

Not sure how your friend died, so our explanation may not work for you. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you find just the right words for your children to better understand.

[angelkisses0102]

I don't know what to do??? I was not planning on exposing them at all...but this is DH's Godson...and the widowed DH wants us to come...he and DH have been friends for over 20 years... My DH doesn't get *it*...but we will talk more tonight. He is actually seeing them this evening.

HappyTwinsMom~
She was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer on Thanksgiving...but by that time they had moved out of state so I simply didn't address it.

UGH!!!

[GCS]

We've already had to have the conversation with Sam because of deaths of people close to us. He was 4 and home about a year then. If we could have put it off longer, I would have. Boys especially seem to get very preoccupied with death.

Is there a way you can get a sitter and leave the children home? It's going to be hard and her boys are going to be shell-shocked.

From everything you've said Arianna is very sensitive so she will really get what is going on, and Alex is at that age for a boy where death is something they are very curious about. He may latch on to this and hold on to it for a long time.

Just my thoughts,
Christina

[angelkisses0102]

No chance on the sitter...we have a short list and not enough notice. I just called DH and broke the news...he was busy so he couldn't agrue but I agree it would be a bad thing for Alex. Arianna would probably ok...but I am not taking the chance with either of them. I was not prepared when DH called about it before...now I am thinking more clearly.

Their boys are in shock still...

Thanks...

[lakimnafite]

I'm glad you decided not to go. You can still have the conversation if you want to, but no need for the kids to get that close to it...

DS was 4 when my mom died. They were VERY close. DH got a book from a very good friend of ours who is a counselor. It was a childrens book, and explained death in a way small children can understand. DH read the book to DS, and when it was done he hugged DS and said 'someone we know has died'. DS asked if it was Nanny, and DH said yes. DS said 'that means we can't go on vacation together again' (my mom, DS, and I had returned from a Florida vacation just a few weeks prior). DS also said he would miss Nanny's voice. Very touching and sad. He cried, and really seemed to understand.

However, like Alex, Tayton has attachment issues. He was very afraid, for a couple of years after, that I would die. We struggled with that for a very long time...

[Amysue1112]

SOOO glad you have decided not to go. I did not want to scare you, but I have seen the damage done to children affected by seeing too much of death too early in life. In many cases, there is no choice, but if there is, it is best not to overwhelm children with too much grief like that.
If any of you are lucky enough not to have to deal with a death of a loved one in your child's early life, teach them about it slowly, when they are emotionally ready to hear about it.

[tbristow]

I understand your choice. My cousins were 4 and 7 when there father died in a motorcycle accident. My grandmother had a stroke when she heard the news and they were buried a week apart. My cousins did not attend there father's funeral. The oldest said that he wanted to remember him the way he was. The youngest was really too young to understand. Unfortunately for me, I WAS old enough to understand. Interestingly enough, I was 10 and didn't worry about losing my parents. I think that I understood it was a freak thing. I honestly don't know if my cousins worried about it or not. They just wouldn't talk about it. I would think that 5 is awfully young for something like that...especially given the situation. I didn't take my oldest dd when the oldest of the cousins listed above died (again from a freak accident--a kid playing with a gun ). She was 2.5. She was standing at his grave a few months later as I put flowers out and asked about digging him up so he could play with her.... She just had no concept of what it meant.

[LilyMoon]

I agree that exposing the kids to the loss of a friend's mother would be very difficult emotionally for them. I don't believe I would expose my dd to such if I could avoid it. It is so hard for kids to put such am occurance into perspective...heck, it's hard for adults to make sense of such a loss. I don't believe my child would be able to seperate the idea of someone else losing their mother and her losing her own.

I hope you are able to find a way to let the family know how much you care and share their pain while at the same time protecting your kids. Maybe you and your husband could take turns going to their home and lending your support.

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Karen... sorry sooo late on the response, but just saw the posting... First.... soooo very sorry for the loss of your friend. At such a young age, it is so heart breaking

On you final decision not to take and expose the children to this, I truly think was the best idea! Another poster said that exposure at a younger age is good as they will handle death as an adult better... this may be the case with alot of people, but I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!! I was exposed to several deaths, including my dear sweet Grandfather's at the age of 7.5! Granted, my Mother and Grandmother did not help the situation, by MAKING me kiss his hand in the coffin. I idolized my Grandfather (as my mother was a single mother), and also other deaths where you did visitations for several days, and then the service and internment, and our family would always stay until the coffin was in lowered into the ground. Also, our family beleive in Open Casket Viewings...... To this day (and I'm 44 years old), I can NOT attend open casket viewings, and I will leave before the casket is lowered into the ground. Yes, this is extreme, and as an Adult, I should be able to handle these events, but I CANNOT!!!

My Mother now apologizes for demanding me to do this at age 7.5. With our children, this would be/is an emotional trauma that would possibly evoke horrid memories, or things that they may have witnessed or been told of, which of course they could not fully understand then.

Bravo Mom!!! There will be plenty of these very sad events through thier life time.... glad you gave them this break

Blessings.................

[mikeintexas]

Hey Karen -

Still pains me to read about your friend...

I think you did the right thing. I wouldn't have taken my kids, esp. Julia. Good choice.

Mike