[kdk545]

Hi All,

Well, preschool season has started for many of us, so Im sure a lot of you have been through this recently or in the past. Hopefully I can figure out how to handle it with your help.

My son (3.3 years old and home 13 months) started preschool last week (Mon, Wed, Fri. for 2 hours in the am). The first week he was fine with me leaving, and now this week he absolutely turns frantic everytime he thinks Im going to leave. He cries, he begs, "please no leave mamma!" and tried to run out the door the other day when he thought I was leaving. Even when he thinks Im going to leave and Im not, the tears start and he gets that frantic look.

I have been staying with him to reassure him and to let him get used to school. Even when I stay, all morning long he looks for me and keeps saying, "mamma, no leave." During their circle time today (that lasts 15 minutes) I was there, but tried to hide behind a partition so he gets used to me being there, but out of sight. And in that 15 minutes, 3 times he called out "mamma? mamma? Where are you?" while in circle.

Now, I have no problem staying with him if he needs me, EXCEPT that I also have a 2 year old daughter who is home with me when he goes to school. So far, my husband has been able to go into work late so I can stay with my son and he stays with my daughter, but his boss will only be so understanding for so long. And then what do I do? My sister can watch her sometimes, but not every Mon, Wed, Fri.

What did you all do? Am I going to ruin him if I leave him crying one day? Will he hate school? Will he hate me? Am I bringing up abondonement fears that will set him back?

I have been a stay at home mom since the day we brought him home, and Im thrilled that he has attached so well. He has adjusted well--hes happy, sleeps well, eats well, is very, very affectionate with us both and has just done wonderfully. He is used to mamma being with him at all times (except for when he is alone with his dad or my sister and he does just fine.)

Any suggestions? It tears my heart out to see him so worried, and yet the staying every day cant go on forever. Does this mean hes not ready for preschool?

[tigger44]

There have been a few threads lately about preschool, and kindergarten. The main questions posed are do our children really NEED preschool, and why, and how much can they handle? Also mentioned are points about how PI children handle, or not, their emotions. Our daughter has been home with us for just over a year, about 13 months, and she is 25 months old. She is not a good candidate for preschool, as she still has some attachment issues, and refuses to have me out of her sight, although she is much more comfortable with me moving around the house without needing to follow behind me.

A PI child who was doing seemingly well at home will have good reason to regress in a situation like preschool. You may need to begin leaving the classroom for short spurts, then come back, and work up to leaving him the full two hours. Three days a week seems like a lot to me, for a three year old. There are other parent/child things you can involve him in, if you are looking for the social benefit of preschool. DD and I are doing Little Gym one day a week, and swim class at the YMCA one day a week. There's also Kindermusic, Story time at the Library, playgroups, lots of other choices out there for the age of your children, besides preschool.

Look for the threads from the last couple of weeks and you'll find conversations that have recently taken place about preschool issues. Good luck!

[MominPA]

Adam who has been home almost 4 months, goes to preschool/daycare for 4 days a week since I had to return back to work.

The first week he was so willing to go but once he figured out this was now a routine the crying when I left began. The second and third weeks he cried when I left, but quickly calmed down once he knew I was gone. I know this since I waited outside the building next to the window so I could listen to him, without him seeing me or knowing that I didn't leave yet.

Now we are at the stage that I can bring him in and get him occupied with an acitivity. For instance today, when I dropped of Adam. We walked in, put his backpack in his cubby and I brought him to the block area where some childern were playing. I took a few blocks and made a little tower, told him I was leaving but to play with the blocks, gave him a hug and a kiss good bye and told him I loved him and daddy will be picking him up and left. The teacher's aide was standing close by so when I left she jumped in and asked Adam what he was building to distract him. Drop off took less then 2 mintues. I have found out the longer I stay the more upset he gets and the longer it takes him to calm down.

My suggestion is try it for longer, don't stay and drop off quickly. Talk postively about school and how much of a big boy he is to be going. Talk to him about what he did at school and make a bid deal of any projects he did at school. My first son did the same thing, loved school at first, then cried when I left after the honeymoon period was over, then he was fine and after a while he didn't want to leave since he enjoyed it alot and got to play with his friends so I got the crying at pick up time, which of course made me feel bad, The guilt you feel as a parent.

Best of luck to you.

[Kasey]

While in fact he may not be a child who is ready for preschool, I also want to second what Elissa said, for us the first week of new school was a dream, the second and third weeks were rough, the 4th week and on have been great.
I would also maybe suggest at least another week and see what he does, talk it up, talk about the fun things he does there, his buddies, etc...
If it doesn't work though, don't stress yourself, he may just not be ready for preschool and maybe you can find some playgroups or mom and me stuff you can do together if you want to have him socialize with other kiddos.
Best wishes, I know it is hard!!

[LilyMoon]

I agree, if you continue to see him so frantic and frightened, he may very well not be ready for pre-school. Fortunately, you are a SAHM and can have him home with you if that is what he needs right now.

Good Luck!

[angelkisses0102]

His behaviors are saying insecure attachment to me...a securely attached child does not fear that a parent will not return. They are comfortable in the fact that mommy comes and goes and always returns. Your words, to me say it all...a normal reaction until you look at the intensity. My son has insecure attachment...his reactions while appearing normal, are not based on the intensity of them.

he absolutely turns frantic everytime he thinks Im going to leave.....He cries, he begs, "please no leave mamma!" and tried to run out the door the other day when he thought I was leaving. Even when he thinks Im going to leave and Im not, the tears start and he gets that frantic look.... Even when I stay, all morning long he looks for me and keeps saying, "mamma, no leave." During their circle time today (that lasts 15 minutes) I was there, but tried to hide behind a partition so he gets used to me being there, but out of sight. And in that 15 minutes, 3 times he called out "mamma? mamma? Where are you?"....Am I bringing up abondonement fears that will set him back?

Why are you sending him to preschool? DS wanted to go...we knew with his AD that he would be better with a more consistant 5 day a week schedule...we had a great school and teachers who were willing to work with us...but in the end, my son just can not handle it yet. And I can finally accept that it is OK. Some kids, especially when you have the option (and he really hasn't been home all that long...) just do better staying home.

I'll look for the link to a thread I started asking about preschool while we were in the middle of Alex's struggle...

Good luck...

[angelkisses0102]

Pre-school...what is your opinion?

And a couple of websites that you may want to review...I love this one A4everFamily.org - HOME it has so many great ideas on how to help your child feel more secure...books and activities...articles for parents. Attach-China is also an excellent site.

[Annabell]

Hey!

I sent DD to a pre-school program when she was 3. I knew the program well, having subbed as a teacher, and thought it was great. (I had lots of work contracts lined up that had had to slide when we were travelling and first home, and felt I just had to honor my work commitments).

Now, in retrospect years later, I don't believe I would do it again. She spent her 1 1/2 years there looking sad and passive and confused. She did not cry when I took her in each day -- more like a solemn, hopeless, resigned little soldier. (Too much intense structure, like in Baby House, perhaps?)

Anyway, good luck with this. It's a tough decision either way.