[Horseygirl]

We've been home a little over a month. I'm attaching a picture of Ava from right after we got back.

I've been staying off the site, or lurking when I'm here. I think I feel really bad about my feelings, although I know that others of you have had them as well. There are times (lots of them, but it does seem to be getting better) where she just drives me crazy. We have a son, 4, adopted at 10 months. They are just SO different. He's a pretty quiet kid, and it seems like from the begining we just clicked. She is SO loud, and tempermental. She seems to fuss alot. I know I wanted this really badly - I cried so much when I thought it might not, but there are times where I wonder what we have done! I know that I'm stressed. In addition to just adding Ava to the family, we're in the late stages of buidling a house and have just put our current one on the market. I think this is more of a vent. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me that I will fall in love with her as much as I have with our son. I think knowing that I don't feel the same about her as I do about him, makes me feel really bad about myself as a person. Thanks for letting me vent. This is such a great group!

[kretzklan]

Oh yes, you are in a totally normal place. I hope I don't sound like a broken record...but this happens so much more than we all like to talk about. You are not alone. Keep coming here for support and find a friend close by to help out with your feelings as well. Try to keep the guilt out of your life...you are learning everything about a new human being...it takes time. I'm getting closer (after 10 months) and I think each story is different...

BTW, Ava is very cute!

[stillwaiting]

I will tell you building a house can be one of the most stressful things you can do in life and also hoping the current house sells is also another stressful thing. I'm in the mortgage business and I know how hard it is.

I am sorry about how you feel toward Ava. If it were ME I would consider some counseling. I know what you mean about being loud. My son is very loud and always wants our attention. I love him to death and I always will but I could NOT imagine having two of him.

I also would keep a journal of the things Ava does that make you laugh, smile and happy so when things are hard you can refer to that.

By the way, how old is Ava? That in it's self could be some of the trouble. 18-26 months to me have been the hardest and also some of the most fun.

[Sally26]

What a cutie!

Don't feel bad. You are under a lot of stress!! You will fall in love with her. Subconsciously you may have expected this adoption to be like the first. A close friend did with her second adoption and her second child too was so different. It took her awhile to bond/attach/love her youngest. She does now. You will too.

Keep coming here and don't be afraid to voice your feelings.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

About 4 weeks into my second DD coming home, another person waiting to adopt from the same country said "Oh, I am so happy for you... I just wish it was me" And I just kept thinking - I wish it was you, too!

I was LOOSING MY MIND! I kept thinking, what did I do! Life was so easy, My first DD was SO EASY.

About 6 weeks into it, everything clicked. We are rocking now. All the hitting, kicking, biting, spitting is gone. I used to think I was living nightmare I needed to be woken up from. Now I think I am living a dream I am scared someone will wake me up from!

I also remember when I was in the middle of it knowing that it was temporary, but it was hard to really believe it was. When you are in the middle of it, even though you know the good times will come, you just feel like they will never get here.

Hang in there, Hopefully your good times will come as quickly as mine did.

Kay

[Annabell]

Just had to say that my mouth was bloodied for the first year (DD had Sensory Integration Disorder and I bought her the most PRECIOUS pair of baby boots with lugg soles) -- she'd rear up and kick me in the mouth every time I tried to change diaper. (And she came home at 2 years 3 months)!!!!!!

I spent lots of time inside because I didn't want neighbors to think that (a) DH beat me or (b) to confess that DD kicked me in the teeth full-force on a daily basis.

Developed techniques of "stealth diapering" and "diapering from a distance". Mouth has healed up, with some scarring.

Bless your hearts! This is a tough transition, but if you can get past this, your 11-year-old DD, after you buy her a new pair of Levis, will grab you and hug you and say, "Did you know you're the best Mom in the whole, wide world?" (That actually has happened to me ).

Best of luck, and try to be kind to yourself.

[orenmommy]

I'm not full of advice but just wanted to send you some (((((Hugs))))) Others gave you great advice, at least you know you have support.

Your daughter is beautiful.

[KimOH]

I could have written your post a year ago (easy first child, not so easy second one, etc.)

Hang in there... take care of yourself and get help if you need it. You'll find a routine and "learn how to parent" your daughter as well as your son...but it won't happen over night.

My DD continues to be much more challenging than my DS ever was, but she's a wonderful little person and I love her... but it took a while for me to get to that point (much longer than a month). Hang in there and know that we're here to support you!

[doozer22boys]

I am right there with you and we've been home 3 1/2 months. I do not love my girls the same as my boys and I have beaten myself up about it at least a million times. I finally decided to go to a therapist for myself to work through these issues. I am a perfectionist and a control freak and these girls kinda messed up the routine of my life. I knew they would, but I didn't know how much it would impact me. I just thought it would come easy to love them and it's rather challenigng...especially the 2 year old. She cries and fusses for a big part of the day so no one exactly wants to be around her.

Hang in there. There are many who understand you here. Don't be afraid to get some help for yourself just to talk through everything. It really is great to just spew it to a 3rd party who can give you ways to help bond.

[GCS]

Just as we cant expect these children to bond instantly with us, it is not always the case that we fall right in love with our new child. This happens with bio kids too and is usually put into the same category as post partum.
The best advice I can give you from someone who did this is
1- attachment parent. It is good for both of you. It is hard not to fall in love with a child you are constantly nurturing.
2- fake it til you make it! I had an especially hard time with my oldest who had temper tantrums that actually scared me. I definitely felt compassion for him, but it was hard to love someone who lashed out at me all the time. Faking it kept me sane and before I knew it I didnt have to fake it anymore. That compassion I felt for him and his struggles turned to true blue, I will walk through fire for you, Momma-Love.
3-be kind to yourself. What you are going through is normal. Give yourself a break. Get out without the kids. Find a way to do this it is important. Really, you will find yourself missing her. Its hard to be on 24-7.

Good luck! It really will get better!

Oh - and before I forget! She's a doll! Great picture!

Christina

[randloar]

No advice, but our thoughts are with you during this transition time. Hang in there, all kids have such different personalities, its tough to know how they are going to be. Keep venting to the group, we are here for you!!

[Amysue1112]

The first month was really hard...everyone is adjusting to the changes..I am sure it will get better..just takes time.
THanks for the pic! Ava is precious!

[Katie63011]

I so know what you are going through. Every day I marvel at how easy my son was and how not easy my daughter can be. I just said to my husband this week as it has been a hard one, that I love her, but I was having a hard time liking her during her difficult times. It's amazing how different two children can be. I never realized how easy it was with my DS. My DD is wonderful, just so different. She is emotional, tempermental and high spirited. When things are going great, they are so great. We've had a great last couple of days and I so love her spirit when things are a bit easier.

Take it easy on yourself. It will get better. Ave is precious!

Katie

[Kasey]

I dont have any other advice, just to wish you all the best and my thoughts and prayers are with you! Take it easy on yourself, you are not alone!

[xddcq20]

I too felt really guilty that I didn't fall instantly in love with my daughter the moment I gave birth to her. It took me a good three or four months to really fall in love with her. She WOULDN'T sleep and she liked to be entertained all the time - action, action, action or she cried like crazy. She wasn't the prettiest baby (she's beautiful now, and of course, I'm certainly biased). I just didn't feel it.

Then, at 4 one morning (after waking up 2 hours before) I hear her screaming for me, I drag myself out of bed and crawl into her room, and as soon as she sees me, she stops crying she shoots her big gorgeous smile - and that's when my heart skipped a beat - I love this kid, finally, I'm finally thrilled she's mine.

Well, Ava sounds a lot like my Peyton. Give it time - you're normal.