[angelkisses0102]

I have been *trying* to answer questions for Melanie but I am not a single mom and she is and some answers are different. As we all know, no matter how much we prepare, once that little bundle of joy is fully in our lives...well those best laid plans don't seem so great some days.

She is busy so I am posting on her behalf. The baby has been easy and great so far...normal stuff but truly an angel. But as a single parent, how do you do it? What are you secrets? What can she learn from your experiences and mistakes? She is looking for details...on getting baby on a schedule...day to day things like taking a shower...keeping her sanity, just everything and anything you can think of which could help her out. Isabella is young, only 9.5 months but is mobile...and trying to walk. I *think* she will be getting a nanny and I will help her out as much as possible so day care should not be an issue...once the nanny is in place.

Thanks all.

[kizibits]

Being a single mom (and one who can't afford a nanny, a housekeeper, a lawn service, or any other professional help) I've done a lot of thinking about this. I think the key for single moms is to have a great support system in place. It's impossible for one person to "do it all". Sometimes Mommy just needs a break. Sometimes she just needs a sympathetic ear. My parents live nearby and are (fortunately) always willing to take Alivia for an afternoon or evening--or even an overnight visit, although we've only done that once since Alivia doesn't handle overnights away from Mommy well.

Sometimes, like this morning, I find myself running short on patience. I know Alivia is just doing normal one year old behaviors, but this morning her whining got to me. I had to put her down for her morning nap early to keep from losing my temper. She wasn't happy about that either, but it was a safe place to put her that allowed me to walk away and regroup. Sometimes you just have to do that.

The thing is, as single parents we are missing that one key coping mechanism--the other parent. We have to find ways and people who can help us overcome that very serious handicap. So what if the house isn't spotless. Who cares if we don't get the grass cut every week. The most important thing is that we take care of our children and we take care of ourselves and sometimes that means depending on other people for assistance.

We also have to remember that we are only human and that sometimes we are going to do or say the wrong thing and be prepared to forgive ourselves and try to do better.

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Karen.... I'm a single mom, but to an older child. Though she was not an infant/toddler when she came home, (emotionally she was about 5), it was very difficult to get into a working routine! She had to be EVERYWHERE I was, at every minute of the day. I was a career woman, went anywhere at any time I wanted to, and now, I had to rethink the smallest little things. Don't misunderstand..... I would NOT go back to my OLD LIFE for all the money in the World... It just takes time, and some mistakes to get it comfortable for the both of them....

Even with an older child, I would need a break, and my sister would take DD overnight, and I would get soooo much done. Sometimes, I save a day from work, to stay at home, clean, yard work, etc. while DD is in school and after school program. I found that I am a better Mom for her when I am not sweating the SMALL STUFF. I have found the "good place" now, and sometimes, it is still difficult, but your mindset has changed, and it ALL falls into place!

Blessings to Mel and Isabella.....
Sh

[Vicki H]

Well, I am not a single parent, but dh went back to work 2 days after we returned home with Alex and I was on my own for 8 weeks.
I would either shower when Alex slept, if that wasn't an option I would put him in his exersaucer and keep the bathroom door open so I could see him, also if she needs to , put her in the bathroom in an exersaucer while she showers.
When I went back to work, since dh leaves earlier than I do, I would shower the night before and also make sure I was up before Alex. I gave enough time to give him a bottle, he usually did not want food until 9:00 so he ate at my sisters who watched him at the time.
The schedule I just stayed pretty persistant on. I tried my best to keep the house clean, but kind of resigned myself to the fact that until we had a schedule, it got done when it got done.

I hope this helps,
Vicki

[DET62]

Being a single Mom is really tough. I wouldn't go back to being childless for anything, but it's tough.

I can't answer baby questions because I adopted an older child. The best source of info there is other single adoptive moms. There is a wonderful Yahoo group called Russian Adoption Single Moms. [I think? Can't remember exactly and that's sad because I'm on there every day! - she can search Yahoo and find it]

The MOST important thing for any single mom is support. I am lucky because my mother shares the house with us and is wonderful with my daughter. I also have several close friends who are always there for us.

The SECOND most important thing is "me" time - every day. I have 45 minutes to an hour every night after my daughter goes to sleep and that's my sanity retention. I also try to arrange weekly to spend a few hours away from her [outside work], just to hang with my friends or write [my passion is writing]. Some weeks I can't manage it. It really helps, though.

It gets better as kids get older and adjust to single mommy life. Tell her to hang in there!

I also pray a lot.

Dee

[MamaChinch]

I agree with Jeana ~ it helps so much to have a support system! My mom takes Delaney when I need to clean or get something important done. I have four teenage nieces, who have come by to help out, too. Jamie has come to clean a couple times, and I've paid her a little bit. The rest of the time I either take her in the shower with me, take a bath with her, or take some of her toys in the bathroom and close the door.
I clean up after she goes to bed, and pick up constantly during the day, she will pick up her own toys with my help, too. I do the dishes after we eat and she likes to puts them in the dishwasher. At 19 months she can play a little bit independently, so that's when I hop on the computer or finish up in the kitchen. She does not like me to cook, but likes to eat! So I prepare a lot of things one handed!! When I put her in her high chair to eat, I do the rest and get my food ready.
I get up before she does if we need to go somehwere so that I am ready first, but when I need to get ready I close the bedroom door and give her toys to play with and I can see her while I am in my bathroom (in my bedroom). I did this when my nieces and nephews were smaller and would spend the weekend.
Hope that's speicific enough! It's denfinetly a change, when I get up from the sofa and I have something to drink in my hand I need to remember to put it up, remember to push everything back out of her reach on the coutners.....etc.
It might help if once the baby goes to bed she can prepare some meals in advance that just need to be heated up, or if that can be done while someone is watching her. Mel can PM me and we can trade ideas!!
Good luck ~ it's a change, but completely wonderful, as I write this I've had to stop a few times to tell her no and redirect her.......there she goes again!!!!

[cathvash]

I'll mirror the themes above...Adoption is wonderful, and it is the best thing I have ever done. I know I will never, ever be without love in my life!

BUT... At times it is SO hard. I am often tired, frustrated, and grumpy, and there is not an automatic "other adult" in the household to hand off to when I feel that way. So, my daughter sees me tired, frustrated, and grumpy... I hope she will understand and be forgiving of that someday.

One thing that I think is helpful is to acknowledge to your child when you know you are being a "grump". I was surprised at how much my child understood and accepted this, even when she was two or three. Once she patted my hand and said "It's OK Mommy...You need a nap."

Support - family, friends, boyfriend, other moms is very important. If you can just have a "baby break" once in a while, it may be enough to keep you sane! Do understand, however, that you may not get a break every time you need one. During those times, do the best you can minute by minute, and try not to be too hard on yourself. Guilt is a worthless emotion when you are doing the best you can.

Suddenly going from a solitary single's life to an on-all-the-time mother is a huge lifestyle change. Most people take several months to settle in (and some with great difficulty). Some new single moms have a hard time bonding initially because they are overwhelmed and exhausted from completing the process, work, motherhood, house and home responsibilities, and lack of "self" time. If you don't adjust right away, or you just don't "feel it" right away, don't despair. In time, it comes!!

Take it day by day. I also found that it gets much easier with time!

[lovestruck]

I'm not a single mom, but when my kids were little, my husband was an airline pilot, so I was alone alot!

An exersaucer is great for a child Isabella's agen. I would put my kids in it when I showered, when I cooked dinner and any time I just needed them entertained and confined. I used it until both of my boys were around two. As they got older I would put the exersaucer in front of baby einstien video or whatever tv program would keep their attention while I showered etc.

My hats are off to all of you single moms. I grew up with a single mom and I never appreciated all her sacrifices and challenges until I became a parent myself. Even though my husband travelled alot I still could not compare myself to my mom because I wasn't having to worry about where the money was coming from, who would take care of the kidsif they were sick, bills, food, shelter, etc. On my hardest days I still call her to say how amazed I am at what a wonderful job she did and I always tell her how sorry I am for all the thankless times when I was growing up.

[angelkisses0102]

Thanks all. The hardest thing for Mel is the lack of local family...but she does have lots of friends who are willing to help...
Keep those ideas and suggestions coming!

[emjay]

Not a single mom, but DH travelled very frequently when DD was a baby. I second the exersaucer for times you need to do things or take a shower. Or even the high chair. I would wheel it into the bathroom, pile books/toys on the counter next to the tray, and she would go through them as I speed-showered.

Also, wearing the baby in a carrier helps when you need to do things if the baby tolerates it.

But the number one piece of advice - sleep when she does!!! Not being exhausted will help you cope. Oh, and don't worry about how your house looks. If friends want to help, let them do the dishes or your laundry.

[MamaChinch]

Also....I have managed to mow the lawn! The first time I put her in her stroller and she enjoyed watching me, this weekend she helped me pull weeds....although was also trying to pull flowers, and loved putting the piles into a bag! Now when I mow, she just stands on the walkway and follows me up and down!
Yes, anything that confines and entertains them even for a few minutes works great!

[waitinginnj]

When you cook, cook extra and freeze it.

See if you have a grocery delivery service in the area - the grocery store is the worst part for me - lugging it all in the house and then still having to put it away.

Put a load of laundry in first thing in the morning. You can always manage to get one done throughout the course of a whole day, if nothing else.

Find a reliable babysitter, not family or daycare, so you can go out for dinner or to shop or whatever makes you happy every so often without infringing on your normal support system.

Plan ahead - when at the store, buy extra cards, birthday gifts, party supplies for next month - whatever you will need "sometime" soon to avoid having to get somewhere at a particular time.

Always buy two or three books of stamps at a time.

It is okay for your child to watch TV sometimes.

Shower before they wake up, if possible.

Lay out tomorrow's clothes the day before.

It is okay to go to bed when the baby does sometimes. Or to watch TV in bed.

Eggs, cereal or pancakes can be dinner.

Save some vacation days for flexibility when you need it.

Accept that she will be cranky after daycare - figure out how to deal with it.

Remember to enjoy time with your child, not just care for her.

[Camismom]

I am a single mom to my DD who is now 2.5 and came home at 17mos. I have no local family (my parents are deceased and my one sister lives out of state) I took 5 mos off from work when we came home and we cocooned. The one thing that has saved me has been a Schedule. C is in bed at 7:30pm and naps from 12noon to 3pm. So I would use the first hour of her nap to just rest, catch a tv show or read a bit, not housework and the other two hours to tidy up, cook, do laundry and shower. Major chores are done between 7:30 and 9:00 pm and then, it's my time to catch up with friends on the phone, watch CSI, read or pay bills. After 5 mos, my dd went to daycare and luckily, my job is flexible and I am usually the first mom to do pick up at daycare. When we get home between 4 and 430, it is C time. We play and read until 7:00pm, no phone, no tv, just us and music and games, at 7 she eats and has a bath and is in bed by 7:45 at the latest, I clean up, prepare lunchbags for the next day and then relax. The sooner Mel can get the baby in a routine, the easier things will become for her. I have not had a lot of help, but I do treasure the few occasions when my aunt can babysit to meet with friends and catch a movie or eat out. Most shopping is done on Sat morning and usually we hit the park sat afternoon (or the pool if it is warm) It is tiring but so rewarding and since you don't have to tend to anybody else you can make your routine as it best fits your life.

Good luck.


Claud

[KiraLin]

Like Mel I brought dd home as baby (10 months) and did/do not have local family. It is a HUGE adjustment as all have said, and I would never go back ditto as above.

One thing I found is that although I have many many supportive friends who can and have taken dd when I needed a break it has been easier and more natural to get breaks from my other single mom friends. Where most (but not all) of my married/non parent friends won't step in when dd is having a tough time (some special needs means this is more often than with some kids) my single mom friends will much more quickly take a more active role. This has occurred over time with a network of local single moms...we just sort of naturally without much discussion pick up the slack for each other when needed. Obviously this only works if parenting beliefs are similar but I find it easier to ask for help when I know that I will have the opportunity to give it back to someone in the same boat. I did not have these friends before adopting dd but met them through things like her gym class etc. We often take turns cooking or having playdates/sitting. Our kids (all onlys) have built sibling like relationships in some respects and since many of us are still also dating (or trying to squeeze that in) it is a built in support system for the issues this brings up as well .
It is the best, hardest thing. I have to laugh because at dinner tonight with one of my single mom friends and both our dd's the girls got into whining and saying I can't. I laughed and told them both, "your not going to get far saying that to two single mom's by adoption...you wouldn't be sitting here if we believed in I can't" Of course the girls just looked at us but my friend and I got a good chuckle.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

This may be a repeat because I do not have time to read them all, but my 2 saviours were:

1 - Shower at night

2 - A mothers helper. I would have a responsible girl, around 10 - 12 come over and play with my daughter(s) while I did laundry, mowed the lawn, etc. So, I was still there, she just had a playmate.

Kay