[tigger44]

This has been on my mind for quite a while, but it's finally reached a point that I need some opinions, advice, or just plain explanation about it. There are three people, two dominant, in my life who exhibit the same personality type and the same 'behavior' with my DD. The most common thing they share is being control freaks within their own lives. The first is my MIL , the second is one of my sisters , and the third is a lady in the office where I used to work (I work from home now).

It feels like all three of these people (and their spouses, who have picked up on the same behavior) beleive that they need to assume care and nurture of my DD every time we are around them. And, their behavior makes it feel like if I turn them down, I look like an unconcerned mother, so it's hard for me to refuse them. However, we are still dealing with trust issues with DD, so I feel like this could trigger some unnecessary emotions from DD. She is old enough now to understand what is going on.

Their first action is to immediately and constantly offer food to my DD. If we are visiting in their homes they offer crackers, juice, water, milk, or just whatever they think DD must be lacking. If we are eating with them at a restaurant, although I've ordered a plate of food for DD, or DH and I are sharing with her from our plates, these individuals begin to offer her food from their plates, literally shoving it off their plate onto hers.

They also tend to beleive that they are in charge of her safety and comfort, even though DH and I are right there beside her, watching her every move, or if they are in our home and DD is going down the stairs or whatever. It's as if she is in danger, and DH and I are not watching her closely enough.

Here are a few examples: About a month ago we're eating out with the in-laws. MIL has already shoved food from her plate onto DD's. She sat there constantly watching DD eat. The in-laws have not spent that much time around her (we had to limit that ourselves). MIL proceeds to offer me an explanation of how my daughter chews her food. A few minutes later, she shoves her napkin in front of DD and instructs her to wipe her face.

My sister is a stroker - she loves to stroke, massage, and pet babies, all babies. This has been very true with DD, and has caused some issues for her and us. I've just tried to keep DD away from her as much as possible. My sister also constantly offers food, every time we are around her. This weekend we went to the local fair, where my sister is a vendor. We always visit her booth area while we are at the fair. Yesterday was particularly hot, and I commented on how hot DD and I got while strolling around looking at the animals. My sister got down on DD's level and began to push her hair back off her face, and continue with her usual stroking, trying to cool DD down. At that point she wasn't that hot, and I had already allowed her to cool down under a shelter. She was also drinking plenty of water. A few minutes later my sister said 'why don't you wet a paper towel and rub her face and neck with it'. This on top of offering food and drink throughout our visit.

Another example, I took DD into the office for a short meeting, which I rarely do. And, another time for a luncheon. During the short meeting, the woman I mentioned was not involved, and didn't even know we were coming in. When she heard that we were there, she walked from the complete opposite side of the office building to the room where we were meeting, just to offer DD a cracker. At the luncheon, she was the ONLY person to approach me and ask 'may I hold her while you fix yourself a plate of food' (in her mind this was being helpful to me).

These are just a few examples, and I realize a few of them are petty, but they come to mind first, and represent the behavior of these people that concerns me. I am sure that if DD was our birth child, and if we weren't still working on trust and control issues with her, I wouldn't care about what any of these people said or did. However, in my gut it just doesn't feel good.

I don't understand why people of this personality type are doing this with my DD, and other children too. I am sure that my feelings of appearing unconcerned about my daughter are probably from my own insecurities. I just don't know exactly how to responsd or refuse these people so that they get the message, while not appearing unconcerned about my child. If anyone can explain this personality type to me, and offer good responses that I can use to indicate that DH and I are aware of our child's need for food, comfort, and safety, and we are taking care of all of her needs, I would really appreciate it!

[KimOH]

Tigger,

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you might be overreacting here. If you don't want people to offer food, comfort, concern for your daughter, you are well within your right as a parent and you should tell them so ... but I think it's somewhat unreasonable to be upset that they're behaving this way if you haven't *expressly* told them not to.

I think this is "typical behavior" of many adults toward many children and is no reflection on how they feel you're doing as a parent.

You are well within your right to ask that they not behave this way, but I think the onus falls on you to say "I've ordered food for her, I'd prefer she didn't eat yours." or "Thanks, but I'll hold her myself," or "Please don't touch her." or go into an explanation of why these things are not necessarily good for a PI-child (your choice about how much information to share. Perhaps in one of your previous posts you have mentioned that you have already tried saying these things to these people.)

While you might choose not to let your co-worker hold your daughter (and with good reason), I do think it was a nice gesture for her to offer.

I remember in my first few months as a parent, I took everything anybody said as "advice" and was killing myself trying to follow it all ... as you get more experience as a parent, I think you learn how to follow your gut more and let those well-meaning but misinformed comments slide off your back a bit more.

Good luck and enjoy your child.

[tigger44]

Kim,

As I stated in my post, this has been on my mind for quite a while, so I don't feel I asked the question out of overreacting. Also, as stated I used examples that came to mind, understand that some seem petty.

I have found plenty of opportunities to ask these people not to do certain things with our daughter. But I am puzzled about this particular group of people. Not that I don't want them to feel concern for my daughter, but because of her issues with trust, and not wanting to seem abrasive to these particular people. Also, If I understand why these type of people continually offer nurture to my child, I can better understand how to approach them on thier level. I already feel plenty judged as a parent by those who offer their advice or opinions about how my daughter's behavior "is normal".

[angelkisses0102]

I have been at this for about 2.5 years now and there is no way to change these folks...personally I limit time with these types of folks in general. As parents of kids who have attachment struggles or AD/RAD...we get judged often, told we are terrible parents, that we are overreacting, that our kids are normal. We know that it not true...but you will never convince that group and many others. Period. But know you are doing what is best for your daughter.

I had issues with my MIL and tried to address them in a round about way. That backfired and we had a huge blow out in the middle of the night...while they were staying at our house and they left. It was terrible but we finally got those ground rules understood. I tried to explain and finally it came down to me saying that while I appreciated her advice she did not raise a PI child who is struggling with his past. He is not a 'normal' toddler as much as we would love it...he isn't. We are doing what we need to do to heal our child and what we feel is right. If they could not respect our wishes they would not be involved in our son's life during this healing timeframe. No response needed. Finally, now they realize his issues are 'real' and are not just going to go away or be explained as 'normal' toddler behavior.

I no longer care if I hurt someone else's feelings with my responses, especially those who choose to not understand. I would simply tell them that we do not allow our child to be fed (or be touchy-feely-ed) by others...if you can not respect our wishes...you will not be allowed to be present during any meals or snacks (or in general.) And if they do not adhere, follow thru. Harsh to some but... You can try to explain forever but some refuse to believe or hear what you are saying.

As for the co-worker I would just say we are working on some issues with trust and stranger danger and at this point no else is allowed to hold your daughter.

I think we tend to build up a defensiveness over time...there are only so many time we can be told how 'wrong' we are. Let it go...you are being the best mom you can be to your little girl. She will get better because you have the courage and strength to admit she is having 'struggles' or 'issues' and you are doing whatever it takes to heal her...get support from those who understand. (I don't know if you belong to the listserve at Home but there are plenty of folks there with kids that are not RAD but suffer with anxious insecure attachment. They make me feel so much better when no one else seems to understand. We are the norm there...)

[mycodybear]

I always believe that you should listen to what your gut tells you. This is obviously bothering you quite a bit, so you need to do something about it. I'm not sure what you have told these people in regards to how your DD needs to be parented, but I would suggest having a very nice, yet firm conversation with them telling them what YOU need from them...basically what you need them NOT to do. Explain very clearly what is and is not acceptable to you and the only reason you are laying these rules down is to help your daughter become a very well adjusted, happy and attached child. If they can't understand that, then I think you need to not be around them until they realize that YOUR way is the only way it's going to be. It also helps I think to let them know that this isn't forever, just until you feel DD is fully attached to you.

My family is so in love with Viktor, and I think it is just pure nature to want to give children love, food and protection. When I feel that they may be giving him too much attention and it may be too much for him, I simply remove ourselves for a little while and tell them that we need a little time to ourselves. Luckily I have a really great family who understands and totally respects that I am the parent.

[KimOH]

Originally Posted by tigger44

Kim,

As I stated in my post, this has been on my mind for quite a while, so I don't feel I asked the question out of overreacting. Also, as stated I used examples that came to mind, understand that some seem petty.

I have found plenty of opportunities to ask these people not to do certain things with our daughter. But I am puzzled about this particular group of people. Not that I don't want them to feel concern for my daughter, but because of her issues with trust, and not wanting to seem abrasive to these particular people. Also, If I understand why these type of people continually offer nurture to my child, I can better understand how to approach them on thier level. I already feel plenty judged as a parent by those who offer their advice or opinions about how my daughter's behavior "is normal".

I'm sorry. I hope you didn't feel that I was "judging you" too. I personally often end up overreacting when I let little things build up. My response to the whole is out of proportion to the sum of the little things. Perhaps that's what I thought you were doing as well -- and I didn't know that you'd already told people what they should not do with your daughter. (I realized from your first note that this wasn't a blow-up over one incident that just happened.) I apologize for assuming you were feeling the same way I do somtimes.

1. I think these people do this because they think they're helping.
2. I think you will have to be very firm with these people because they will have difficulty understanding why "being nice" is a bad thing. You might have to be firm (abrasive) enough that it hurts their feelings, but you need to do what's right for your family. Perhaps prefacing this with "I know you may not understand the reasons, but I need you to trust me that this is the right thing for my daughter..." will help soften the blow.

[LilyMoon]

Oh, how I know what you are going through! As the Mom to a child who came home with attachment issues, I have been there. It is certainly good that you are well aware of what is best for your child and by all means go with your intuition on this one...if you feel uncomfortable about it, then it is real and needs to be addressed as uncomfortable as it might be for everyone.

I made it clear to friends and family that WE were going to be the sole caretakers to our child. That visits will remain short and NO touching, feeling, kissing of any kind. It sounds harsh, I know, but I knew this is what our daughter needed. For well over a year, I kept this up. I told people that we were working on "do not talk to strangers" when they approached our child. I always sat next to my child at meals and had my husband on the other side. When people offered my daughter food, I would say "No, thanks, she has her meal already and we prefer she eats her own food and not off others plates."

I may have alienated certain friends and family and have lost contact with a few. I know I did what was best for my child and now, three years later, we are no longer dealing with attachment issues. She knows her boundaries and can make it clear to others on her own. She understands her family vs. extended family and friends. She is appropriate in situations with people. It took a great deal of time and perserverance, but it was well worth it.

If you would like to talk further please feel free to PM me.
Best wishes,

[LibbyHawkins]

I have a few of those in my life, one in particular. After hours of discussion about my fd's and foster children in general and possible issues(RAD, AD) and explaining what these were about. . . no go. It may just be that someone who isn't in our position doesn't understand how being so attentive ect can hurt.
And No, most of the time they dont' trust our judgement(the please trust me. . .)

I have had the same sort of simpleton advice, I have been around and taking care of children most of my adult life(including their kids!) but now that I have children in my care fulltime, watch out, she might not know what to do!

And yes, we probably do take it to heart a bit more than we should, but no doubt some boundaries are overstepped. If you figure out a way to make them understand , please share. I too limit time with these people. I wish I could make them understand when I need support from them, it is just that, it is not caring for the kids. Someone who actual took the time to take my call and let me talk about something that has me upset, now that would be a help!

[Drazil]

I don't think anyone here was trying to judge you (just offering some thoughts on the subject ) and as someone that has been home for 2 years now I can tell you from experience that I felt like this for the first year at least! When I look back now I realize that it was more about me and how people were obviously thinking I could not possibly know what I was doing as this was my first child and all . Everytime someone tried to do something that I thought I should be doing I immediately thought they were interferring and defeating all my efforts with attachment. But it really made me feel like they thought I was inadequate and overprotective and they were going to just take over. My MIL had this idea that because she was the grandmother that she had special rights and privileges to take over (she did this with her own daughter when she had kids) and she was really surprised when I stood my ground with the "rules" (especially the first year, it was so hard. Believe me when I say that attachment parenting does not win any popularity contests and I am with Karen, I stood my ground and could not care about hurt feelings at that time, it had to be done. Now, we get nothing but compliments (many from MIL) about how well adjusted and good mannered Adrian is and what a great job we have done (excuse me "I" have done as DH is a momma's boy and it was a fight all the way with him and now even he tells me what a great job I have done, go figure!!!). Do what needs to be done (tell them straight out to stop or you will not be around them for a while, plain and simple) and try not to let them make you feel bad about your parenting methods, you know what you need to do. The best of luck!!!!

[waiting4babies]

I do not believe you are overreacting; however, you must be firm with these individuals and ask them not to feed or touch your daughter.

Just this morning, I had to remind the babysitter that she is not the mother of my children and that she needs to treat them as a babysitter. She constantly hugs and kisses my almost three year old and my three year old no longer wants me to hold her. When I pick her up from the sitter, she runs to the babysitter and does not want to leave, so I explained to the babysitter that this will no longer be tolerated. She agreed to stop babying her and hugging and kissing her.

Additionally, I take two bags of food with lunch, snacks and drinks for all three and the babysitter has the nerve to tell me that the two older ones the five and three year old do not want what I take them. First of all, I wake up early in the morning to make sure they have good nutritious meals and she has the nerve to tell me that she feeds them what she makes. I told her to stop this as well and feed them what I take, which she starting doing.

[calikismet]

I agree with the others that you have to become clear on what you do and do not want. Right now, these individuals are offering what they think is in the best interest of you and your child... I would suspect that none are acting to caue harm or hurt feelings. But they are ignorant of your feelings and desires... and to some extent, that is your fault (and I mean that in a totally non-judgemental way). You very likely have not sat down with them and had a true heart-to-heart. You are your child's mother, and you have a right to dictate everything that is done for and to your child.. and your reasons need not be clear, or even particularly rational. But you likely have not made those boundaries clear. It would prob be a very good idea to have a set-down with each, and state the plain and simple: you sincerely appreciate everything they want to do for you and your child, BUT you need them to do A, B and C, and NOT do X, Y and Z. Explain to them that this is in the best interest of your child -- the only one whose feelings and development are truly important here -- and that you will not tolerate deviations from that. Warn them, nicely, that if they persist, you sadly will have to terminate visits with them for a while. Emphasize that you realy want them to be a part of her life.. but that how much so will depend on their ability to respect your wishes. From there, make it easy for them to comply -- when you go out to dinner, set your child away from them, and next to you. Make them have to pass theu you to get to your child.

But to criticize them for something they are ignorant of is probably not fair. NOW, if they persist after you have spoken up, they have been aptly warned... then it truly is their problem.