[ddahl]

I need help! We came home in September and I was off for 8 weeks with DS then hospitalized for a week and off an additional 5 weeks with DS. It is unclear as to the cause of my illness. Could have been from Russia or from the FIMA water. Who knows. I am cured now.

Any how, I have been back to work since February 16th and my relationship with DS is deteriorating. I feel as though he sees me as a caretaker and not as his mommy and I fear we are in bonding trouble. I am considering quitting my job and selling off all of my worldly wares to be able to stay home with him. He is currently in daycare and being handled by multiple women/teachers throughout the day. I think he looks upon me a second shift.

He is openly defiant and screams at me "NOOOOO MOMMY"!!!! all of the time. He now tells me MOMMY BAD! DADDY GOOD! DADDY ROCK, DADDY DOES IT! NO MOMMY and on and on when Daddy is home. When Daddy is gone he is a model citizen and totally loving and open to being loved. He is triangulating the situation and pivoting us against each other. This morning was no different. He did not want me to get him out of his bed or hold him. Once Daddy went to the office, we both work on Saturday, He just hung out with me and let me feed him and make over him. He seemed to enjoy the mommy time. Then I had to take him to the baby sitter and he did not want me to go he had to be peeled off. All I wanted to do was turn around and run out the door with him and fax in a resignation letter. My heart is shattered. I Love someone who is not loving me back and I left him at the babysitter in the moment he decided to cling to me. I feel like an utter piece of doo doo.I chose to go back to work and have made some financial decisions since being back that can be undone but make it necessary to put some thought into the SAHM process.

My questions are as follows:

1- Can this bonding be fixed as I clearly abandoned him to go back to work....

2-What should I need to know before quitting that will help the financial transition be better from those who have gone before me?


Thanks for reading and for any advice!
Dix

[awaitingagirl]

Originally Posted by ddahl

I Love someone who is not loving me back and I left him at the babysitter in the moment he decided to cling to me. I feel like an utter piece of doo doo.I chose to go back to work and have made some financial decisions since being back that can be undone but make it necessary to put some thought into the SAHM process.
Dix

Ok Im not an expert on bonding by any means, however when a child clings to you like that, that shows an attachment to you. I think yes it may be good for you to stay home with him and get some more bonding time. I do see potential. If you are really worried, then do it! Stay home, and it deosnt have to be permantly, maybe just for a while (which to me maybe a yr or 2), then he will be old enough to know who you are to him.

JMO,
Good luck

[jaw's mom]

Hey,

It does sound like there are some issues with bonding/daycare, but like the post above, I'm no expert. It must break your heart. I'm sorry.

As for the staying at home, we just had a good thread about this a couple of days ago with great advice. I think it is a page down. I will find it and bump it up for you.

Good luck!

[drazil65]

Many times attachment issues do not present themselves for 6 or 8 months home so this is not uncommon if there has been little or no attachment parenting or constant change in routine. Do what you have to do and hit the attachment parenting hard. I am sorry you are going through this and if selling things to make it possible for you to stay home is what it takes then so be it. You will make it and don't forget that a secure and healthy attachment will take about 2 years time so you just have to do it. You can do this, really you can .

[Kendal]

Dix,

Definately go with your gut on this one. If you feel there is a bonding issue, then there probably is. But I also feel like it can be over come. When we adopted our girls, our original plan was for me to go back to work. However Hannah had some pretty serious health issues that would have made it pretty difficult for me to go back. We were already wiped out because of the adoption, so it was not like we had alot of savings. We did a couple things. First I stopped shopping No more new clothes, shoe, stuff for the house, ect. Next I cut coupons. Went to basic cable, basic phone, basic every thing. Any "extra" expense that I could cut, we did. We also refinanced our house with a 5 year arm that had a much lower interest rate to help with our house payments and gave us some time to recover financially.

Believe it or not, me quitting really did not make that huge of an impact because I was not spending money on gas, clothes, lunches, etc..

The last thing you want it to look back on this time and reget the choices you made.

But, if you quitting is just not an option, then I might suggest looking at in home care that would provide him with one consistant care giver, and be a vigilant as you can with attachment parenting.

[lakimnafite]

Dixie,

I am no expert and my story is just one of a million, as I know you are well aware. I will just say that if I could do it over, I would have quit, or otherwise rearranged my life so that my son was not in day care when he first came into my life.

As some of you may recall, my son was 18 months old when DH and I got together. The first year of his life, he was with his chemically dependent and neglectful biomother. Although he was not in an orphanage, he was often left for hours at a time crying in his playpen, and was passed from various people at drug houses.
DH had gained custody when DS was a year old.

I knew nothing about bonding, attachment, etc. I worked full time as I always had, and often went to the gym after work as the child care DH had was until 7pm. I'm sure that in DS's little mind, I was no different from his other day care...

It took me years, not until I started researching for our adoption, that I realized that DS had anxious attachment. There were times he was so angry with me or clingy and fearful of abandonment. There were times he was mean, saying cruel things, hitting me, kicking me. Then, there were times that I was the only one in the world he wanted. I felt very close and special some days, and emotionally beaten on others.

I realized what was happening about a year ago. Before that, I just cried and didn't know what was wrong. It broke my heart. Once I recogized the attachment issues, I changed my parenting with him. I changed my hours so I took him to the school bus in the morning and was home when he got out of school. We have a great relationship now. Very rarely does that little attachment monster rear it's ugly little head...

Answers:

1) DS was 6 when I figured all this out. So, you certainly can 'do-over' and make your relationship wonderful!

2) Honestly, we couldn't do it if I didn't work part time. I'm lucky my son is in school. We did have to reduce our expenses. I still don't have the right balance and we live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard, but it is worth it.

[k8c]

Hi, (((Dixie))).

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time! Another amateur opinion here, but I think it's clear from your post that you want to stay home. And, if there is any possible way that you can, I would. I envy you this option!

I think the best thing to do is to look at where your money is going. Using a program like Quicken would help. But don't go buy it if you don't have it! Be vigilant about writing down EVERY penny you spend. Then, you'll be able to see where the money is going. (It's scary to see where our priorities lie when it comes to money!) From there you can decide what to cut.

Is there anyway you can work from home or part-time? As another poster said, this doesn't have to be forever. But if you could stay home for a year or until he's in school, you'll all feel better. I think the guilt and anxiousness you're feeling now is only making matters worse.

Are you a Dave Ramsey fan? He's got a book called How to Have More than Enough: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Abundance. It's not only about money, but also about families and priorities. I've just ordered it and am really looking forward to reading it!

I'm back from England now, so PLEASE e-mail me!!

Warmly,
Kate

[angelkisses0102]

Dixie~

I posted yesterday but it was lost...I will try to repost again later today but...

Basically pretend you just stepped off the plane with him...and start all over again.

And the staying home thing...the sooner the better. With every day that passes, it just widens the gap between you and him.

And a quick FYI on the clingy, velcro baby...that is a sign of INSECURE attachment, an attachment disorder. It is not a good sign...it is a huge red flag that a child is struggling with attachment or has an attachment disorder...like my son and his anxious attachment.

[GCS]

Dixie,
I think that if you do not quit your job you will always be wondering "what if" within this relationship.

I always believe you have to go with your gut on attachment issues. If you believe that he is feeling abandoned and that you need to be there full time, than that is what it is.

There is another active thread right now about quiting to be a stay at home mom. There is some good advice there. I was able to go back to work part time and still make a decent portion of my salary. This allows me to have some kind of income but to be home with my children 4-5 days a week. If you put a plan together and present it to your company, you might be surprised. It costs so much to train and hire a new person, they may be very happy to keep you on your terms.

It sounds like anxious attachment to me. Which, while that is attachment disorder behavior, it is a good sign that he is attempting/wanting to attach and not just pulling away from you all together.

It is common to start to see attachment issues after 6-9 months. The child has gotten more comfortable in his new home but is still uncomfortable with giving up control and fearful of attachment.

Follow your gut. This is fixable!! Just start over.

You're a good mom! You see this and you want the best for your child. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Christina

[angelkisses0102]

Let's see if I can recreate this....

1- Can this bonding be fixed as I clearly abandoned him to go back to work

Yes it can but it will take a lot of hard work and time on your part. You basically need to restart the attachment process all over again, as if you just walked off the plane right now. Regress him, wear him, cosleep with him, attachment parent him, do holdings, keep his world extremely small....just you, him and daddy. Expect him to fight you every step of the way...both physically and emotionally. He will push every button of yours...harder than you thought possible.

Line up professional, QUALIFIED help...contact Kelly at www.radzebra.org for local qualified therapists. Regular therapy and parenting will not help him if he is either AD (attachment disordered) or RAD and you need to know what is wrong with him before you can help him. Luckily for us, in an odd sense of luck, Alex left nothing to the imagination...we knew he had attachment issues from the get go and addressed them from the beginning. Most kiddos don't present the signs of AD/RAD until they have been home a while.

Here are a couple of websites that will help now... www.A4everFamily.org read it all, the whole darn site is great, for ideas and support...there are also attachment checklists. www.attach-china.org is another good site. If I sent you my links, reread them...or I can send them again. Reread all the attachment books and Holding Time...you will be amazed at what you will now get from the books...

Start all of this now, right now...every day that passes is a missed opportunity to start to heal your son. Trust your gut...you know what it's telling you and you know how to heal him.

2-What should I need to know before quitting that will help the financial transition be better from those who have gone before me?

Just do it. Your son needs something that doesn't cost anything...you and your time to heal him. You will be amazed at what you actually need verses all the wants we percieved as needs when the 2nd income was there. I know we haven't seen you guys since M's birthday party...but you will be utterly amazed at the difference in Alex since then. He is a new child who I can say is on the other side of that hill attachment wise...finally...28 months after he came home. I was planning on staying home starting in August (next month) but decided to make the leap in February. Not the greatest financial decision at the time but the best thing I ever did for my son and his attachment. Luckily for us, our finances have fallen into place due to a new job by DH... One side note on the transition to staying home after being successful in the business world...it is very tough on you. It has taken me about 6 months to start feeling comfortable in my new role.

You are a great mom and a successful businesswoman...use your skills that propelled you to success in the business world on healing your son. It will be a long and hard road but when you realize the rewards of an emotionally secure attached child...it will make every minute of work worth it.

Mike in Texas and Lorraine123 both posted great advice yesterday but it was lost...you may want to PM them both if they do not repost...they can offer you a tremendous amount of advice and support.

[mycodybear]

I don't have too much advice to offer, but just wanted to give you my support. It sounds like you know what you need to do, it's just getting there that's the hard part. He needs you and that's the most important thing there is- period. If I were in your shoes I would do whatever I could to stay home with him as soon as possible. We decided before we even started the adoption process that I would stay home with our child. We knew we couldn't afford to do that where we were living, so we cashed in on the equity on our house and moved 1,000 miles to a much cheaper place to live. There is always a way- you just have to know how to find it. Best of luck to you!!

[hadams]

I went back to work, but made attachment parenting a priority whenever we were home together. Every night for six months, when I got home from work, I changed into comfy clothes, and devoted the next 2.5 hours to my son exclusively.

We picked one room in our house, gated it off, threw some pillows on the floor for me, hung some wall mirrors sidewise at a low height, and put in a few toys at a time. Son and I would go in that room, I would plop down on the floor, and we would play. At first, he had a hard time even looking at me, so I would let him look at himself in the mirrors, and I would sit behind him.

We didn’t have a television in that room, but we did have a radio that I would put different cds in. We played a ton of peek-a-boo, helicopter, paddy cake, etc. Anything that involved face to face. We played come to momma (reward is to be picked up way over my head), and we played together with toys.

While I was playing, dh made son’s dinner, answered phone calls, took care of dogs, etc. The point was that for those 2.5 hours, my full time job was to pay attention to my son. Undivided attention.

Son and I played for an hour or more, I gave him his dinner, his bath, got him ready for bed, read him his story, and sang him to sleep. Once he was out, I cooked dinner for me and my hubby, read the mail, etc.
The combination of not too many toys, being at ground level, and having that time just for us really seemed to work well. After six months, we started to expand: we put more things into our play area, and we started to spend time with each other outside of the play area.

[ddahl]

Last night DS said to Daddy.... Mommy Rock! about 4 times before I got he was being rocked by the tme I got home from work. he smiled at me and reached for me. When I bent downhe licked my nose. It was too funny! I feel this week has been a week of some progress and some relearning what works and does not work with DS. I arranged for a smaller daycare enviromnet 3 days a week and he started this week. Of course the girl called to ask if I could have him there earlier on Saturday as she has some place to be. So clearly I am facing yet another obstacle. I simply cannot have DS toted around in a car by her all day.

I have chosen an end date to work and remain ever vigillant and active in attachment parenting. Thank you all for the support.

[britfish]

Thats so sweet!! I'm glad you had a good night last night. Sometimes it is just stages they are going through, but of course we always assume attachment issues first. I hope you continue to see improvements (and find the right daycare situation!).