[erickk]

We really are trying to figure out how (financially) I can stay at home for the next 2-3 years. Our oldest son is having--a rough time does not describe it. As a result of us leaving on the 2nd trip to adopt our other son he has become terrified that we will abandon him. He is doing everything he can to push us away and his anxiety level is so high. We are in counseling with a psychiatrist and a counselor who specializes in PI issues with adopted kids. She is going to pull in their attachment therapist to work on this with us (and I have heard nothing but good things about her and have seen her name mentioned on a few attachment disorder web sites).

Today, while at the counselor I had our 17 month old son with me--she thought he was attaching well--however noticed that whenever he was going to do something that he knew he should not--that he would get ready to start turning on the charm so when I turned to him he would be all smiles. We have been home with him 4 months and have been altering work schedules so he is not in daycare--but it is not working very well because DH's job is all over the place as far as scheduling and I am constantly taking off work.

I know I need to stay home. I want to stay home. My husband wants me to stay home. We do not know how I can stay home. We are in debt from adoption loans and both our incomes are needed to pay the bills. Also, our insurance company will pay for the psychiatrist (because he is one of their providers) but will not pay for the PI counselor or attachment therapist because they are not one of their providers--and they do not have anyone who could actually help our son--we've asked his pediatrician to find someone who could and he came back and said he tried--there is no one.

So, we are looking for ways I can stay home and we can still pay our bills without being involved in any illegal activities I need to have a slight sense of humor right now. Life is intense and I need to figure out a way to be home. The only thing I can think of right now is to sell our house--but the market is horrible right now and it probably would not decrease our mortgage. Any and all suggestions would be appreciated. Many thanks.

Karen

[ATHiker]

Karen, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time with your oldest. We're in the same boat... I need to work to keep the household in the black. I'd rather be a SAHM. I will keep an eye on this thread for suggestions as well.

I've seen other threads in this vein, and the more common suggestions that worked for people were (like you mention) downsizing into a smaller, less expensive home. Getting rid of any extra vehicles you may own/lease. Things of that nature. Sometimes it's easier said than done.... especially in today's market.

I already told DH that we needed to be looking for a smaller, less expensive house, and we don't even have him home yet!!

My thoughts are with you and your family...

Kim

[jaw's mom]

Have you gone on the internet and looked at any of the work at home sights to see if there was anything that would interest you? Also, there are things like being a Mary Kay of Pampered Chef consultant. I have thought about doing both of those.

It is very hard to give up that second income when you are so used to having it. My husband and I were married for 8 years with no children. Both of us worked until we brought our son home. It was a HUGE adjustment. However, it was so very worth it. It amazes me how there is always enough to do what we need to do. I have learned to not go into panic mode every time repairs need to be made on something.

I do all of the typical stuff...clip coupons and try to buy food items that are on sale. I buy clothes at the end of the season sales for the following year. We don't eat out like we used to...that alone saves us a ton. I figure a few years of scrimping will be well worth it in the end.

It is so hard to make that leap of faith....especially when there are medical concerns. Good luck with your decision. God bless you!

[angelkisses0102]

Karen~


Here are a few ideas we thought of when we decided that I should stay home. Initially I was going to start staying home in August (next month) but have been home since February.

I don't know what you do now...but is there a way you can either work from home or doing something on your own part time? I was in a bank branch manager and a stock broker and insurance agent. We looked into me compiling loan packages for a client of mine from work...or looked at me working in other areas that were flexible but used my background like helping friends who own insurance and investment firms or mortgage firms. I looked into doing medical billing...things that I would be able to do when the kids were asleep or at 2am.

We took out an equiuty loan as a back up but luckily for us, our financial situation has dramaticaly changed due to a new position DH has. So I didn't need to do these jobs. But ask everyone and anyone about job ideas...the loan thing for me came up in a very off handed way. Plus DH has so many clients who have clients who were all willing to at least ask.

Also, we are saving so much based on what I am not spending on daycare, gas, lunches, dry cleaning, ready made or take out dinners...it all does really add up.

All the best with staying home...for us...the change in Alex both emotionally (attachment) and physically is amazing. At his 3 year old check up last week...he gained enough weight to finally get him to the 20th percentile...he is sleeping through the night and not getting sick as often (another savings for both copayments and prescriptions.) He is simply a new child...I'll say a prayer that things work out for you...

[dlhall]

My first suggestion is to sit down and figure out really where all the money is going--track ALL your spending. (I used Quicken to do this.) And from that information you can figure out where to make cuts. For example, we discovered that we were spending about $100 a month on gifts and we needed to reduce that. And we realized we were spending too much money eating out and buying "stuff" for the house--things we really didn't need.

Then research different service providers for some of your bills and switch. For example, I switched phone companies, internet service provider, exterminator etc. Look at changing deductibles on car insurance.

And also figure out how much money you'll not spend when you're at home--gas to/from work, work clothes, lunches etc.

It's a hard adjustment financially, but it can be done. However, if the numbers just don't add up and you can't cut anymore, take a look at working part time somewhere or doing extra jobs. When I first became a SAHM, I watched my friend's kids for her and earned extra money that way.

Good luck.

Liz

[erickk]

Thanks for the input. Unfortunately my job (I am a telecommunications analyst--very exciting :-))--basically I am involved working with the telecommunication industry in a regulatory fashion. I was just transferred to this position in December due to our governor downsizing state employment. Prior to this I did IT (and did not like it all that much because I went from networking-where you move around a lot--to help desk type stuff because I work for a small agency). I used to be a criminal defense investigator--but got out of that because it is just not really a Mama kind of job --weird hours. I could always be a process server--but I don't think I would want to have the kids in the back seat of the car in the neighborhoods I would probably have to go to. ("Mama will be back in a minute DO NOT unlock the car"--KIDDING!!!) My expertise is in areas that do not translate well (at least that I know of) to other jobs.

Problem 2 is DH is doing everything he can do to find a new job. Some of you may recall DH is a music director at a church where the pastors are-boy cannot come up with a nice word. Let's just say they are not all that "pastorly". Some may remember the comment one of them made about me sleeping with the Sunday school teacher so we did not have to worry about all this adoption stuff anymore. It has gotten pretty ugly for him because he called her on it so it is now their job (the pastors are married) to make his life as horrible as possible while he is at work. They are seriously bad news. DH comes home beaten up and exhausted. Not a good scene. Also, I have tried to leave to go to another church because of their behavior (they don't talk to me or our older son because of the problems they have with DH and they have never even acknowledge the existence of our 2nd son)--but then DH is left flying by himself and he needs spousal support right now. The big problem is NO ONE knows about their atrocious behavior and DH is afraid what would happen if we spoke up. Personally, I think I should write a letter to the bishop and let him know about their "work style"--but again, I think that is DH's call, not mine since it is his job.

So, DH is trying to come up with a new job. So he could stay home perhaps (with my income since I carry all the insurance with my job too). But Mama needs to stay home-not Daddy.

I have gone so far as to suggest that we move to someplace cheaper. If he does not like his job and I am not what one would call dedicated to my new position (although very grateful they gave it to me)--look elsewhere. Of course this leads to the worry of moving--does not seem like a good idea considering what is going on with our son. If we move to Hootersville we will not have access to the same counselors, doctors, etc. and it would cause our older son even more anxiety. So that one went out the window.

ARG! As you can see I am very productive at my current job

[GCS]

Karen,
I ended up talking to my company about going part time. Not something they ever did before esp. in a position like mine, but they were on board and we set something up that works for everyone.

My kids go to daycare two days a week and my mom comes over every other weds to help out for a few hours so I can go out on calls.

I fit all my appointments into these times and check email and voice mail periodically during the off days. My customers do not even know that I do not work full time and I manage the largest accounts in the company (technology sales).

Just something to think about - you can always put a proposal together for your company. It costs a lot to replace a trained, seasoned employee.

Christina

[BlissMom]

Karen~
I think you are on the right track! My best advice is to dive in... I quit my job a few weeks before trip 2 so that I could be home with our little girl. I made more than my husband... the math didn't work out.. but I knew that I knew she needs a Mommy.. and my husband agreed. It is one of those things where if you wait until you can.. you won't.

I have a slew of money saving tips but the BEST ONE is knowing the money isn't there.. I tell you that really curbs the ol spending.. and my priorities have shifted... we really have very few 'needs'.. ya know?

I say dive in.... my husband has taken on some extra work etc.
Prayer and tithing are huge too... not sure where you are in that department but I know that is a HUGE reason why we are NEVER lacking for anything.

I really think your Mommy Instinct is right.. your kids need you!

[Wendrew]

I don't know how many hours your dh works, but since you mentioned he was a music director, maybe he could do some sort of part time music childrens program like kindermusik as a second job, if that is at all possible for him for a little extra money. He can rent a room in a park or community center and do classes with up to about 15 kids. Normally these classes are during the week, which may conflict with his normal schedule, but I am sure people would go on weekends, and my nieces used to love to go to a pre-bedtime music class in their pj's. I know I am grasping at straws, but when you mentioned music, that is what popped in to my head.

[yuliya]

I became a SAHM after our second child was born. We now have three and adopting anotehr little boy. Try to search the web. There are a lot of sites which provide help/support/advises for SAHM. Here are few I am trying to think about:

www.miserlymoms.com
www.lisawhelchel.com
www.homebodies.org
www.hearts-at-home.org
www.stretcher.com
and many many more.

I personally read the book by Larry Burrkett "Women leaving the workplace" That inspired me to achieve my goal of being a SAHM.

[drazil65]

I feel your pain and I am so sorry. I went back to work after 3 months of being home when we came home. It was so stressful and I was so very torn (DS was in a private daycare with only 5 children but I wanted to be the one home with him). I made quite a bit of money at the time and carried all of our insurance. It took 7 months total but this is what we did (DH so wanted me to be home raising our child as much as I did), first thing we did was to put our house up for sale (big Victorian with a big mortgage) and purchased a much smaller (we love this house and its perfect for us) and much more cost efficient house in the suburbs with great schools (did this on purpose so that public school could also become an option, up to that point it was not), sold our big SUV (saving on payments, GAS, insurance etc.) and went down to one vehicle (with me being home we could work around the car thing), cut out my cell phone (soooo happy about that) and cut out having my nails done every 2 weeks (went back to natural and keep them up myself). Add in the clothes, lunches and every other little expense associated with working and we have saved an incredible amount of money. Our biggest challenge was the health insurance, it took several months of researching independent health care before we settled on insurance that was right for our family but by using an independent health care source and not going with my DH insurance at work we saved 50% in premiums so it worked out and was worth all the time and effort put into the research. I have been home full time since the end of last summer and I love it, it has changed the quality of our family life and pretty much eliminated most stresses, it was the best thing we could have done. A few lifestyle changes made it all possible and we still have money for traveling and doing things because we really cut out the waste. Good Luck.

[Amysue1112]

So sorry you are struggling...it makes me sick that the pastors of a CHURCH could be that...well...SICK! I am a religious person, but I can see how people stray with so-called church leaders like this!!
I wish I had some advice....but all I can say is I will pray for you that God gives you direction, and your family finds the answers you need.

[KatieIC]

I have been a SAHM for five plus years now, and DURING that time, saved to adopt two children. I started staying home with the birth of my son. I also made more money than my husband. I was a Director of Human Resources, and when I told the President that I was leaving - they did offer that I could do some part time recruiting from home with the baby. Two years later, the baby was not napping as long - I started working at his preschool (only 2 days a week). I took babysitting jobs, I sold Southern Living at HOME, I cut coupons. I am also a devotee of a radio financial show/author called Dave Ramsey (financialpeace.com or daveramsey.com), and went thru his Financial Peace University. Changed EVERYTHING for us and we are now in really good shape, even WITH me being a SAHM.

[happyhome]

Katie, Dave Ramsey is GREAT!! We didn't go to the classes, but we listened to the books on CD and it changed the way we approach money. Very helpful.
It sounds like DH has more opportunity to work part time, but if you are the one that needs to be home, you should do it. It is so great for the kids to have that.
What about taking in a few other kids as an at-home daycare? I'm researching what daycare costs in our area, and it seems to be about $30/day per child. That could make a significant difference. Also, you would be surprised what there is out there for flexible contract work. If you are a member of any professional organization, (or if there is one for any of your many skills) check those websites for job listings. Also check the craigslist, jobing, and monster websites.
Although I'm not in the middle of this problem yet, I know a little of how stressful this issue can be. Before DH got his recent promotion he was going to stay home and contract part time, but now we have to figure something else out. I'm stressing because I want to work, but I know one of us needs to be home with baby for at least the first few months. We might switch off weeks. I don't know.
Good luck to you! It's said so often on these boards to trust your instincts. I think Blissmom is right, you just have to jump in and do it! Things have a way of working out when they are the right thing.

[Alison_inPA]

Karen, there is a recent thread of FRUA in the Parentiing folder called "How do you pay for the therapy they need?" about ways of paying for therapy when it's not covered by insurance, and there were some surprising (to me) resources out there. If you got some help there it might take some of the financial pressure off, but if you're the one carrying the insurance it might not help that much.

You might consider contacting a recruiter who could place you in part-time or contract work that you could do from home. Your husband might consider a recruiter, too, for that matter. A good recruiter might be able to find something he wouldn't find on his own.

I don't have any other advice, but I'm sorry you're faced with this choice. I hope you can find a way to do what you need to do for your sons.