[becky26]

DH and I just returned from trip one. I will share some of my experiences. Several aspects have come up in recent threads - blind referral, second adoption, etc. But in the end, I did not expect this trip to be so difficult.

We adopted our son last year from Sibiria. We had a video prior to travelling - we simply fell in love with him. His measurements were not good, and the doctor said that his facial features were "borderline FAS". It did not matter - this adoption just felt right.
We decided early on to go for another child, a girl. We never wanted to have an only child. We figured to go back to Russia quickly - before international adoption gets even more complicated and costlier. I was perfectly at ease with the idea of blind referral. I felt prepared - had a lot of medical information (charts, terminology, etc.) in my suitcase. Well, in the end we had to turn down the first referral. It was probably the hardest thing I ever did. I am still not healed. I have a difficult time looking at her pictures. I was told that I suffered from "second child syndrome". Why didn't anyone tell me that before??? I thought I was prepared - but I was not. Somehow, I must have longed for the exact copy of my son. And this is quite unrealistic, even for biological siblings. We did accept the second referral. We are very happy and we feel at ease. But this trip was much more painful than I had expected. I know that blind referrals work for many people. But I really underestimated the emotional aspect of this process. I am slowly coming to terms with our decision - I can't wait to get a court date to get our little girl.

Last thought - it was so painful to see the conditions of her hospital (no place in the orphanages...). Her clothes had holes. They were so big that they held them together with rubber bands. Her crib was broken - scotch tape. No money for sheets, just old blankets in the cribs. And in the center of Moscow - many, many expensive cars (including Bentley and Lamborghini....). We saw a real estate brochure - apartments in the city can be rented for $2000 a month (up to $30,000!). I just wished that more could be done for all of these children...

[Katie63011]

Becky-

You are not alone. We all think it will be easier the second time around. That's not always the case. We too had to turn down a referral AFTER trip 1. I will always remember that little boy.

Hang in there, hope you get a call quickly for trip #2.

Katie

[jroc]

Wow! Thanks for sharing this with us. I am sorry to hear that you have been through such an emotional roller coaster. I hope you get a court date soon so you can bring this little one home. She obviously needs MUCH love and attention!

[SingleMama2B]

Congrats on finding your little girl, and sooooo sorry that you had to go through what you did! It is NOT easy, but there is a plan, we just don't understand the path sometimes.....

I too adopted from the Moscow region, and was totally amazed and upset to see the conditions that the children where in, and then see all of the $$$$ all over.... I believe that an article from the Moscow News or the Moscow Times had (several months ago) stated that each child in the system receives like 1 cent per day for care.... Just appauling, and basically you drive 10 minutes outside of Moscow or any of their Major cites.. it is a 3rd World Country again.....

Blessings to you and your family, and hoping that you receive your court dates very soon!!!

[lovestruck]

Becky,
We turned down three children on our first trip in April. It was the most heartwrenching experience of my life!! I still see those childrens faces and think and pray for them daily. The fact was that the IA doctor said each one was 80 to 100% high risk and she was being generous with the 80%. It was a blind travel trip. Sadly we did not find out daughter on that visit, I am so very happy that you did!!


I do not think you have anything called second child syndrome!! If the first child you declined was not healthy, then you made a decision based on what was best for you family. Our worker back in the states and our IA doctor kept reminding us of that over and over while we were in country and when we came home. Now I do believe had we not had children already we probably would have let our emotions over ride our rational side and taken any of those girl, but the fact is we do have two kids that we did feel we needed to consider. We will include them in our decision again on our second trip 1.

It takes time to heal after turning down a child, especially when you have held him/her, played with her and openned your heart to her no matter how brief. I'm not all the way there yet, but it does get better with time.

[angelkisses0102]

G~

I am so sorry it was so tough...as you know, our 2nd go around was tough as well. In the end you need to grieve for your 1st referral because it is a painful loss...those who haven't had the experience will never begin to understand. So talk with those here who understand.

As for the poverty...and the hospital situation...I know all to well what horrific conditions my DD was in...it is so shocking to see. It again is something you can't begin to imagine until you see it. For us, comparing where Ari was vs Alex was exact opposites...Alex's orphanage was great...Ari didn't even have diapers.

I wish you a quick court date...and peace in your decision. You did what you had to do for you and your family...and that is the right decision.

[kretzklan]

I am so happy to hear that you found your DD - but sorry it took such an emotional toll. Thank you for sharing your thoughts - they are so important to others in this process!

[Amysue1112]

Hi Becky!
First of all, welcome home! We also thought trip 1 would be "the easy one" but nope...no such luck. We actually 'lost" our referral, sitting in the MOE, the morning we wereto meet her. It all worked out, we got the perfect child for us, our little Hannah. But it also was very painful...so much happening in so little time.
I am so sad for the condtions of the hospital though..that makes me so sad. I will pray that you get a court date soon!
What region? is it fast for court dates?!

Take care!
Amy

[Pinkie]

Becky, so sorry you had to go through this. I agree, I think you do have to grieve for a lost/turned down referral.

I wish you a speedy court date to bring home your little girl.

[jaw's mom]

Yes...to all of the replies above. You have to go with what your heart tells you. I am praying for a speedy return so you can bring home your angel!

[FloridaJewel]

Becky,
Just giving you a note of support here. I'm so sorry your 1st referral was not the one... I don't know anything about second child syndrome, how about "loving mommy syndrome". You opened your heart to a child and it's o.k. to feel sad (we turned down our 1st referral too). I'm so thrilled you did meet your DD and hope you get back to Russia soon!

[calikismet]

I am so sorry that it has been so tough a ride for you. I can comment on the "second child" thing. I think a few things happen when we adopt again:

1. We think we can handle anything that comes our way .... after all, we have been thru it before, and feel that medical issues, complications should be easy to ride. Not so. They hurt just as much the 2nd time, if not more, b/c we are not as cautious.

2. We think that we will feel the same during our 2nd adoption as our 1st. I was blindsided by how scared I felt during our 2nd adoption... I was somehow fearful that we were making a mistake in disrupting our little family with an unknown. I was actually shaking the night before the court date, not b/c I was scared that we would be denied, but b/c I was scared of that jump.

3. We are super-duper protective of our children at home. Suddenly, things like personality, ages and health become 100% more important. I was very concerned during adoption #2 that we were doing right by our son... and that was obviously not a consideration in adoption #1.

So I think that yes, there is a 2nd child syndrome.. who know what the "real" definition is, but the 2nd adoption was hard for me emotionally.

Hang in there... You'll be in my thoughts.

[karenmarq]

We had to turn down a referral with emailed pictures only. I knew that going blind was not an option for me. Those that choose that seem very brave with their heart.

Our orphanage was wonderful, caring, clean, good smelling on and on...

Adopting from Russia can be such a different experience for each person, and from your story, each time, too.

Karen
Still healing from the experience, too.

[Vicki H]

Becky, I am so sorry about your first referral. I am happy that you have found your referral.

I have often had this fear that if I would adopt again that it wouldn't be the same, that I would compare the second child to Alex , who was such a beautiful , perfect (we think he is ) child. You sound confident in your referral

I will keep you in my thoughts that the rest of your adoption journey goes smoothly.