[nhook]

My DH and I are on the fence right now as far as adding to our family.

We just adopted our DS over a year ago and we are approaching our late 30s.

The adoption process was very emotional and very financially taxing for us. Although, most of the hard stuff is a memory, I don't know how we could afford another adoption at this point.

However, I would love to bring a little one home as a sibling/friend to our son.

We are torn because we know that doing this again would be very difficult financially but having a family is so important to us.

Our main concern is for our son. Would it be more beneficial for him to have a sibling or will he be ok as an only child?

[susanandgrace]

Hi there!

I have one biological daughter who is 2 1/2 years old. We are just now researching adoption. I am 37 and my husband is 43. I have some underlying med probs and that is why I do not want to TTC again.

I too am struggling with the issue of having an only child. If Grace had cousins close to her age, I might be content with having just her. But her youngest cousin is 10 years older then her. And I just feel terrible for her.

Although I have heard that only children do just FINE. You have to do what is right for YOUR family.

Another more economical way of adopting is through the foster care system. My girlfriend adopted her daughter that way. Although I know there is a lot of stress that comes with that, and you dont' always get to keep the child you are fostering.

Good luck to you!

[susanandgrace]

I'm just chimming in again to say I didn't really answer your question of PROS and CONS

PROS:
Can give them more things financially (education, toys, etc)
Can possibly travel more (if you enjoy doing so)
Can learn to play independantly
More time to spend as a family (less people who split your time with)

CONS:
The child may be lonely and want companionship (which in my book is a BIGGIE)

[ready2adopt]

We were where you are right now, decision-wise, about a month ago and decided to go for it again. Yes, it's stressful and soooooo expensive. However, every time I watch my son playing alone it just breaks my heart and he is the reason we're doing this.

I have one sibling, a sister (2 years younger) and I honestly don't know what my life would be withouth her - she's so important to me on so many levels. Because of our close bond, going back for #2 is easier since I would love for Jax to have a sibling like my sis. DH didn't have a close relationship with his sibs (he was the baby by 10 years) so he doesn't have the same feelings about the sib issue as I do, but he wants Jax to have someone throughout life close to his age that he can play with, talk with and experience life with, good and bad.

Anyway, it's totally a personal decision. You'll do what's right for your family and everything will work out great, one way or the other! Best of luck!

God bless,

Shawn

[heikewould]

I'm 44 and my DH is 51. Our little Samantha as of now is going to be an only child. I feel that in this day and age there are so many things that you can get your child involved in that it doesn't matter. Gone is the day where a kid can leave the house and go play in the neighborhood and come back at dinner time. Nowadays you know exactly what your child is doing and who they are doing it with. Growing up my brother was 5 years older. That spread was to far. We did not hang together. We have a good realationship now but not close.

All that being said, the only way we would adopt would be if Samanthas Birthmom had another child.!!!

[tbristow]

Well, since I grew up as an only child, I can give a different perspective on this...I HATED it!!! I still do for that matter. I was the product of a second marriage and though they tried to have others, it didn't work out. My parents are older. The cold, hard fact is that one day my parents will be gone and there is nobody (other than my children) to stand by me and mourn the loss, share the memories of the weird vacation or that perfect Christmas... I guess that's why I wanted so many kids.

[waitinginnj]

My C will be an only child. I am single. I want to provide for her and be able to provide certain things that I consider my parental obligation. I don't think that I can do it well as a single parent, especially where I live. Yet, moving isn't a consideration, as our support network is here.

There are no guarantees that your siblings will get along or provide the relationship that you are hoping for.

It is hard when she is alone at certain events, but as she gets older I recognize that we will bring a friend along more, even on some vacations. I agree with Heike, it is my obligation to get her out there and provide the opportunities and exposures to people.

Good luck in your decision.

[votemom]

no family is perfect. every child is going to grow up with their "perception" of things, whether it is factual or not. you can try to carve out the perfect scenario for them, but it is THEIR experience and nothing works out perfectly.

the most important thing for any child is to have a parent or parents who give them unconditional love and safe/healthy boundaries in which to grow to adulthood.

i was the youngest of six - however i came along much later. the other five were pretty much grown, so i grew up as an only. i don't really know my older siblings.

i did not like growing up as an only, but that doesn't mean i had a bad life because of it.

there will always be things our children don't like about their experience. if they are one of many, they will come up with a list of things that didn't seem fair.

and no, there is no guarantee that the siblings will grow up to be close friends.

i will say, however, my upbringing had a direct impact on my decision to have more than one child.

this is such a personal decision. the most important thing is that you and your spouse are in unity about what to do. follow your gut and heart about what is right for your family, then move on and enjoy your family (whatever the number) and your life together.

there are no right or wrong rules on this. i wish you peace and joy being a parent to your little girl!

[karenjoe]

I am an only child and didn't particularly like it. However my cousin had a brother almost the same age as she is and complained all the time that he got everything/was treated differently etc. So I agree with votemom - there are positives and negatives to every situation. Part of MY problem with being an only child was being lonely. But I honestly think a lot of that had to do with my not being involved in any sports, being more of a "geek" in school etc. So I say if you have an only - be sure to keep him/her involved in playing with others, sports, extra-curricular activities, and then they may be glad when they can get home to their room for some peace and quiet! :-)

[Kasey]

Late last year we were in the same thought process as you---trying to decide, well i really wanted one more, DH was less enthusiastic about it, mainly due to the financial process of it all.
Now my son has cousins who live 5 minutes away, and are close.
My mom was an only child and while she grew up close with her cousin she always wished she had a sibling so she kept encouraging us to do it again.

Well fast forward a couple months, DH decided we could do it, and we would make it work. When we first started talking about it, it just wasn't the right time, now is the right time.

Liek Votemom said, there are no guarentees that sibs will grow up being friends, my brother and I (11 months apart) were friend until about 9-10 yrs of age and then we pretty much fought the rest of the time. We are friendly now, but not close. But DH and his siblings, brother and sister are all pretty close. So you just don't know.

There is no right or wrong to this, you will figure out what will be best for your family and maybe now is just not the right time to make the decision, but the right time will come and you will know!
Good luck!

[jroc]

Hi!

I think like the others have said, obviously there isn't a right or wrong decision here. Maybe assess little Ivan's personality....is he super outgoing and friendly? or is he more of a alone time kind of boy? I had two brothers and I am sort of an introvert. I think having siblings forced me to be more social and interact with people - which was great. But maybe if I was a really social kid, it wouldn't have mattered so much. I don't know.

Anyway - I think a little *something* or *feeling* is tugging at your hearts...... This is the what happened to us as we started to look into adoption. I had this little feeling that wouldn't go away. It sounds like you already know what the answer is, you just need to follow that path. The emotional and financial aspects will fall into place Good Luck

[KeroRocks]

My sons are 17 months apart. We got Jake at 2 years old from Russia in Dec of 2004, we got Justin at 7 weeks in July of 2004. They are now 3 1/2 and 2. They are BEST FRIENDS. They do fight over toys but they are each others best friends. They play constantly with each other. They ask where the other is if they aren't around. They worry when the other one is hurt.

I couldn't imagine not having the two of them together. We hope to get two more at some point. I LOVE big families (mine was not big)

[KimOH]

We wrestled with the same issues when deciding to adopt for the second time. Although my DS has cousins with whom we're very close, there is something about siblings -- and knowing that they're there to stay whether you like it or not -- which is comforting. On the other hand, we were happy with our 1-child lifestyle and weren't sure we wanted to rock the boat.

My mom summed it up best when she told me that adopting (or giving birth) *only* so your first child will have a playmate is a bad idea. The two kids could hate each other and you have to be 100% committed to both children. (I know that's stating the obvious, but you can't be disappointed if child #2 doesn't fulfill the needs of child #1. That's not his/her job and would be a lot of pressure for a little one. You've got to make sure you want child #2 in his/her own right.)

Anyway, we searched inside ourselves and realized that having a playmate for our son was *not* the only (or even the main) reason we wanted a second child, so we went ahead and did it. We have been lucky that, so far, our two get along very well despite 3-1/2 years and a gender difference. I hope that it lasts.

That's not to say it's all been easy/wonderful. Going from one to two was tougher/more tiring than I imagined and it definitely has "rocked the boat." But the rewards are definitely in line with the effort.

[jimpol]

nhook,
We are struggling with the same thing. My husband and I are 35 years old and we adopted 3 years ago. Our son is wonderful. We can't decide what to do either. I would love to jump back into the adoption process and bring home another little guy, but it is expensive and emotionally draining. I don't want it to interfere with the great family dynamics now.

I have one brother and my husband had 2 brothers so we don't know what is like to be an only child. We both feel like it would be better to have an addition to our family, but like I said we struggle with the decision a lot. I don't think that I am looking for a companion for Andrew, but it would be nice.

I'm torn too! Sorry not a lot of advice, but I can sympathize.
Polly

[intladoptionblog]

In the last couple of weeks I wrote a number of posts on the topic of adding siblings to the family with subsequent adoptions on the International Adoption Blog, if anyone's interested...