[mikeintexas]

Most of you know that our daughter Julia has RAD. Take your worst attachment experience, multiply it by 10, and experience it every day of the week and you have RAD.
Well, on Sunday, we caught a rare glimpse of what a healthy, healed child would be like. It was one of Julia's best days ever. She did what she was asked, she was pleasant, there were no rages, she played with her younger brother w/out trying to hurt him, and she worked hard in the yard with me and her mom. And did I mention she was pleasant to be around?

I cannot tell you what a nice break this was. Just the day before, she spent 6 hours throwing a tantrum over a job she had earned for restitution. Didn't ever get the job done, so at 9 pm, after multiple meltdowns, we just told her that she needed her rest but that we would start on the job first thing in the morning. It was a lonnnnng Saturday. Sunday morning, she got up, did the job w/out any trouble, and the rest of the day was awesome.

Of course, she was back to her tricks this morning (started heaving as if she was trying to throw up her breakfast at the table). There is always backsliding after a good day or after experiencing something that made her feel good. She wants to feel bad, so she does stuff to try and get herself back to "normal."

But at least we had a day that was (for the most part) pleasant and enjoyable.

Just had to share... I don't have too many bubbly moments to write about these days.

Mike

[dlhall]

Glad to hear you had a great day. You have to take those moments and savor them. I hope you will have more days like this in the future. Julia is lucky to have you.

Liz

[k8c]

What a wonderful glimpse into how life can be, will be someday.

I admire the loving persistence with which you and your wife parent.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:8-10

kate

[nancyral]

Oh, Mike. You have such strength. There are times with my daughter when I wish she had the language to tell me what her past was like so I could figure out why she does what she does. Lately, I have been asking her calmly during a tantrum, "Why are you crying?" "Why are you screaming?" "Please tell mama why." She now stops for a minute and looks at me, then continues but the pauses are getting longer and I hope that she can communicate with me someday. Maybe it's enough that I ask her. I hold her when she is screaming and those times are getting fewer and farther between. I am also trying to laugh when she does something slightly offensive to diffuse the situation. And I say "You understand what I am asking, I know you do" in Russian. But all of these ideas are thanks to you and your winderful posts. I will pray that she sees how great life can be when she is a big girl and a good family member as we tell our daughter she can be.

P.S. Last night when I asked her to put her toys aways she threw them in the drawer behind her while making "evil eyes" at me. It is hard isn't it?

[angelkisses0102]

Mike~

Thanks so much for sharing...

I know how important Sunday must have been for you...now you know who Julia can be...savor that moment, remember that moment, hang on to it for dear life to that moment when the days are going bad.

And I think you have understated the day in the life of RAD...I know having an AD child I have compared our good days to...take your worst day of parenting a non-AD/RAD child...multiply by 1000 and that is a good day in our house.

I continue to pray for all of you...

[Vicki H]

Mike I am so happy to hear of Julia's good day. I wish you many, many more.

[mikeintexas]

Originally Posted by nancyral

Maybe it's enough that I ask her. I hold her when she is screaming and those times are getting fewer and farther between.

Nancy, if she is coming to you for comfort, this is a very very good sign. "Loving eyes" and holding will go a lonnng ways, moreso than the questions about why she is sad.

Originally Posted by nancyral

I am also trying to laugh when she does something slightly offensive to diffuse the situation. And I say "You understand what I am asking, I know you do" in Russian.

You are right on in that the key is that they WANT a reaction from you. Definitely diffuse the situation and do not react in anger. Saturday, Julia was yelling "I HATE these floors Mama" referring to the one she was cleaning. So finally I went in there with a BIG smile and said, "Oh Julia, today is OPPOSITE DAY. If you are saying you hate the floors, you must just absolutely LOVE them. Here, let me wet your rag again so you can keep going." Remind your daughter that she has a strong mama and that you are teaching her to make strong choices.

Originally Posted by nancyral

Last night when I asked her to put her toys aways she threw them in the drawer behind her while making "evil eyes" at me. It is hard isn't it?

Yes, it is. This is another chance to diffuse the situation. Go up and rub her cheek and just smile. No need to say anything in times like these...just don't react in anger 'cause that is what she wants. When things are cleaned up, you make a BIG deal out of it. Put your hand on your head and do something like "WOW, what a CLEAN ROOM...it is so clean I think I'm going to faint. Here, let me sit down next to you on this CLEAN floor!!! Wow!!!"

You're doing great!!!

[klk88]

Mike,
Thanks for sharing with us Julia's good day. Thanks for letting us celebrate this with you. I think your advice to Nancyral was good for all of us whether we are struggling with attachment or not. It is amazing to me to see the difference reactions in my kids when I react in a "quiet" manner versus a frustrated tone. Thanks for the reminder

[happyhome]

Glad to hear about Julia's good day. I admire your strength so much, and I know how much Sunday must have meant to you. Thanks for sharing your good news. I hope there's lots more to share in the future.

[Abdulina]

Mike,

As a parent of a fellow RADish myself, I know how truly grateful and relieved you are for one of those days. Enjoy the moment for they are so rare for us. But do realize that with time, there are more of these moments to come from Julia. Very happy that you had a good day on Saturday. I wish you all the best during the first year of struggles with Julia. It does and will get better. You and your wife are an inspiration to many. Keep up the great work.

How are the boys doing w/ all this?

Take care,

[kimber413]

Mike, I truly admire you and your family's strength. I hope that these "good" days become more and more frequent as time goes on. If anyone can help Julia heal, it's you.

[SingleMama2B]

Oh Mike.... Glad you did get to experience a good DAY

My sister and BIL have this with their DD (adopted and home with them at the age of 8.2 months old). For the first 10 Months.... It was HORRIBLE for them and their family. It was like if they had ONE day a week, it was a GOOD week for ALL of them. Now, with being home 17 Months, It is more like, once in 2+ weeks, there "may" be a bad day, and the rest are almost joyous!!!

You and DW are doing good, to be able see this for a whole day already!! Bravo, keep up the good (hard) work, as Julie's heart is STARTING TO HEAL!!

Bless you ALL.......

[MustangLippy]

Mike, thank you for sharing these moments with us. I have a bio son who is "spirited" and while I'm not going through anything near what you are experiencing I am learning from you some techniques for keeping us both sane.

Best
MustangLippy

[waitinginnj]

Love them when you get them. I know that there are many more ahead! Thanks for letting us celebrate with you.

[Kasey]

That is good news mike!!! I hope those good days really start to outnumber the tough ones!