[angelkisses0102]

I did this last year and thought it would be a great idea again...here's the two links from last fall...

Parenting tips and ideas from those home more than 18 months

Parenting tips and ideas from those home less than 18 months

Last time I broke it down to two threads but let's try this as one this go around...I thought it would be interesting to see if any answers have changed and helpful to our PAP's and newly home parents.

Let's keep the time frame the same...so please tell us... If you have been home for more than 18 months or less than 18 months. (I believe I picked this time frame since most professionals list 2 years as the typical amount of time it takes for a healthy and secure emotional bond to form.)

1.) How is it going?
2.) What did you do?
3.) What would you do differently?
4.) What issues did you encounter?
5.) What did you use as your source of reference? (Books, parenting styles, theory, websites, etc.)
6.) Whatever else.

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Karen.... Can parent(s) of older children answer/contribute too? Remember, DD was 8.3 years old when she came home forever, and was in the system for over 5 years with a horrid first 3 years of her life at home in a crib!!!

[kretzklan]

We have been home 8 months! Our children are now 7 and 8 (and homegrown 9)

1.) How is it going? Better now. I can say that each month I say "it's feeling normal" and the next month I realize how far from normal we were the month before...we're getting there...
2.) What did you do? Structure has been our key. We started from day one teaching them that we are the boss and in control. They had never had an adult who took care of them in a way that wasn't hurtful.
3.) What would you do differently? Stop stressing about my attachment. It will happen...I just need to let it unfold. I would NOT compare my story to other stories...each story is so different and judging how far or short I've fallen was and is a curse.
4.) What issues did you encounter? What we call "hard headedness" - I'm sure there is a better word...but basically little people who think that they are boss (they have been in their prior life due to neglect)...overly emotionality from one - crying at the drop of a hat...when there is nothing to cry about. I assume it was testing to see our response. There was just a lot of boundary testing as well (still going strong in that category).
5.) What did you use as your source of reference? (Books, parenting styles, theory, websites, etc.) Other people...they are a wealth of info. Books - but I took small pieces from each one. My gut - more than anything. I know if there is a real problem or just a typical kid thing...I really do. I have learned to trust my instincts more.
6.) Whatever else. Be honest with yourself about where your dreams and reality have a gaping hole...it's ok to grieve for the dream that didn't come true. Then shake it off and get up and do the laundry, bathe the kids...get things done that must be done and let go of some others...

[Amysue1112]

We are home with Hannah LESS THAN 18 months...only 7 weeks. So far it is going WAY better than I expected. Hannah is a very happy kid. She goes right to bed in her own crib without a fuss (12 hrs!), takes good naps and loves to play with the animals on her crib linens. She 'talks' to them and rubs them..it is soo cute! She makes great eye contact, knows Mommy and Daddy very well, and definitely prefers us over anyone else (however, she is quite social, and loves playing with others, especially other children.
So far, I am happy with how we have done things..we will see the outcome!
One game that has been just the BEST for bonding games..and Hannah made it up herself! She holds a plastic cookie (or whatever she can find) in her mouth. Then I lean forward, bite it, and take it from her. It takes intense eye contact and coordination on both parts..we have to know WHEN the other takes the toy securely, and WHEN to let go. We pass it back and forth, back and forth. We are close..we laugh...it is "our" game and no one else could do it like us!! We snuggle a lot..feed her a bottle before bed and sing songs. We do social things with others, but I stay right with her, and she appears to really enjoy others with me by her side. At night, we go for walks, mommy, daddy and baby.

I read parts of some attachment books, but I am almost done with my masters in Mental Health Counseling, so I have learned about attachment theories and ideas long ago. I have used some of the ideas, but also have done what I felt was right for my child. I have been just LOVING her....kisses all the time, snuggling, close face to face contact, things like that.

Gosh, now I forget all the questions! I think she is doing great, our family unit is doing great.

THe only thing I wish is that I didn't get frustrated on the days that she is whiny or clingy...they are not all the time, but sometimes...and on those days I have to work very hard on being patient and remind myself..."she is a baby, and she needs her mommy a lot today".

I will be interested in seeing how things are in 1 yr, I hope, just as well! (well, then again, I will have a 2 yr old!!

[Aphi86]

1.) How is it going? Much easier than I was geared up for. Pretty typical toddler days. We do a lot of the same activities I did when my 8 yr old was this age with the exception of Ava being a good nap taker!
2.) What did you do? We holed up in our house with little to no contact with other women. I carry her in my Kangaroo Korner sling which is the single best purchase I have EVER made. Because she is language delayed, I can't just set her down because if she wanders off, I can't call her name and have her answer. I keep her in the sling to do errands etc. and also when meeting new people until I feel comfortable letting her down. I hardly every use a stroller this way she is close physically, but also we can talk to each other. I also put her in diapers and give her 2 bottles a day. It is during this time we work on eye contact. At first she would look at me and then away and back at me and away. Now, after almost 4 mos home, she will hold my gaze for nearly then entire 6 oz of milk. I READ READ READ READ to her and she LOVES it.
3.) What would you do differently? So far no regrets.
4.) What issues did you encounter? So far nothing outside the normal realm of toddlerhood with the exception of eating. She did not have the chew swallow thing down when we got her. She gagged a lot and spit food out the moment it hit her tongue. I bought a big box of 75% less sugar Froot Loops and fed her one at a time. They are bigger and harder, and tastier than Cheerios, so she had to really work at it. After about 2 weeks she was off and going. She could eat a turkey hot dog. Now she can bite off a cheese stick and eat any food set before her. Thanks Froot Loops!
5.) What did you use as your source of reference? I read read read books on attachment, sensory integration and parenting.(Books, parenting styles, theory, websites, etc.)
6.) Whatever else. Realizing that she won't break and I am not going to damage her. Yes, her first 18 mos got off to a less than desirable beginning, but she is putting that behind her and moving forward in her forever family.

[jroc]

Thanks for this idea, Karen. It helps the waiters know what to expect!

[Kasey]

We have been home over 18 months (will be 2years on 8/21)

1.) How is it going?
Very well, aside from the typical 2yr old boy stuff
2.) What did you do?
Alek was very young 5 1/2 months--we did attachment parenting from the get go, we did allow family and friends to visit in short stays and limited the number of people at a time. I used a baby carrier alot, we co slept during naps and at night if needed. When first home I slept in his room for the first few weeks.
3.) What would you do differently?
Try to not stress and worry as much over every little thing and not read into everything, just try to relax more and enjoy it.
4.) What issues did you encounter?
None really, we had some health issues to clear up, there were alot of tests and evals since his head cir was not on the charts, but no attachment issues . Do MIL issues count )
5.) What did you use as your source of reference? (Books, parenting styles, theory, websites, etc.)
read alot: deborah Gray's book, Dr. Sears, regular parenting books, the What to expect books, got alot of info from OT friend who works in IA, got alot of info from SW and from our IA doc long before referral.
6.) Whatever else.
Realizing early on it is ok to not be supermom (especially for those who have to return to work), your house can stay messy, laundry can pile up, it is more important to just spend time with your kiddo and enjoy it, I use weekend nap times now to get house stuff done and we have learned to split alot of chores and even then, the world will not come to an end if our house is not as organized as it used to be!

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Karen....

Home now 18 months.... Daughter home forever at the age of 8.3 years old.

1.) How is it going? It is going wonderfully. DD is 'maturing' at an excellorated pace, catching up to age appropriate things. Definetately TESTING THE MAMA all of the time, but to be expected at almost 10 years old!!!

2.) What did you do? Being she was in the system for 5+ years, malnourished, and other issues, I let her take things at her own pace. Basically, I began teaching her 'manners', right from wrong, that MAMA's DON'T HIT(!), She is here and with me FOREVER, etc. She has blossomed!

3.) What would you do differently? To be honest, not much. I would have (Maybe) taken her to be evaluated earlier, but Ped, Family, etc. told me that she had been soooo much, that there was nothing wrong. Did take her and now we (me, school, doctors) know that she NEEDS a different way of learning (retaining information), and she is even happier then she was!

4.) What issues did you encounter? I didn't have any of the Attachment, RAD, etc. issues at all. After 2 specialists, tons of tests, DD was diagnosed with Mild FAS, Mild ADHD, Microcephaly. The good news is, the SCHOOL NOW has to LISTEN To me, and teach her a different way! Got her involved in sports... Now it's tennis.... which NO ONE said she would be able to do, because it was a THINKING process sport, which they said that she was a single process kid. I have to tell you, I have been teaching her for 2 weeks now, and her 'forehand' shot is even stronger (more solid) then mine, and I've been playing for 28 years!!! My advice.... listen to the doctors and specialists, but also try things they say the kids can't do.... ALL of OUR KIDS are GIFTS from HEAVEN, and have THEIR OWN SPECIAL GIFTS!!!

5.) What did you use as your source of reference? (Books, parenting styles, theory, websites, etc.) FIRST and Foremost.... my Cyber Friends at this forum, and others! And after I had their information (their experiences), I would watch my DD. When I had strong suspisions, I researched on the web, confered with her Ped Dr., and went to see specialists!

6.) Whatever else. I have to say...... I NEVER thought in a Million years that my daughter (which I had met for 2 weeks during a hosting program) would have these issues.... B U T .... It is NOT a big deal! You BOTH just learn how to live with them, get creative with learning, dicipline, and STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE (with Consistancy)!! She is the LOVE of my LIFE!

Blessings.......................

[drazil65]

We have been home over 18 months (will be 2 years in September):

How is it going?

Really well, we have great routine but now can be a little more flexible as we know our limits and we have learned not to push the envelope too much. We feel so good about the 2 year home mark (we can really feel the difference in our attachment with each other) and can really see the result of firm attachment parenting and believe that all the work and diligence has paid off into a very secure and loving attachment (very unlike what we have felt earlier in the process which we thought was a secure attachment but I guess you cannot know this until reaching this point).

What did you do?

Attachment parenting from the beginning, reading, adoptive parent classes (given at Childrens Hospital here with many experts in the field of IA as well as other adoptive parents that have already come home), many, many phone, email and in person conversations with parents that have BTDT, internet research and very close contact with 2 child psychologist (one of which is a very close friend that has helped out since the beginning of our journey as he specializes in attachment disorder in children and adults and is a professor here at the university).

What would you do differently?

Keep more of our trials and tribulations to ourselves because as we talked about how things were going we were getting "advice" from people with bio kids about how we should just lighten up and he was just being a normal toddler etc. and this really bothered us because people refused to believe there could be issues and that denial caused us alot of stress at first. Also, I would not have tried to go back to work at all (went back after 3 months home), this really set us back and the stress was too much on our family, I admit freely that I could not do it all as a supermom and ended up leaving my career (after 15 years and never thought I would )

What issues did you encounter?

Very mild attachment related issues such as, whiny and clingy alot in the beginning (first couple of months and known as a dependent attachment and very typical), friendliness and socializing with others (everyone knows this one as a big red flag and typical of attachment related issues but not to be taken lightly). Also even though the reaction of the child seems to be like "normal" behavior of the age group he/she is in, the reason behind the reaction is very different. Our kids react from a different place in their heads but as they have limited life skills and experience they can only react in limited ways for their age group (so it appears to be normal behavior to the outside world). These kids come with a different set of instructions and these issues have to be addressed early on (even the very mild ones).

What did you use as a source of reference?

See answer to "What did you do" above.

Anything else?

Do not let other tell you that you have a "normal" kid that has adjusted just fine and make you feel guilty, "no" love is not enough with a PI kid, be educated and be smart. Make a plan and stick with it, there is plenty of time for socializing and the result is so well worth the effort for your entire family (something you will not really know for at least a couple of years or so to the point where you can actually "feel" the difference).

[MustangLippy]

We have been home 7 months! My DD is 19 months old and we have a homegrown son who is 4.

1.) How is it going? Better with each and every day. I expected way too much way too soon. I doubted myself and I should have had more faith in myself, our DD and our pediatrician. DD has a ways to go still on the attachment front particularly with eye contact, but it will come.

2.) What did you do? A relaxed form of attachment parenting for the first 4 months. DH and I fed her, held her, changed her exclusively. However we did not co-sleep or carry her in a sling. After 4 months I went back to work but she continued to blossom in her new environment and our attachment was not broken.

3.) What would you do differently? Worry less if I had a crystal ball.

4.) What issues did you encounter? Feeding issues. DD would not eat. No, she wasn't a picky eater (if I had a penny for everytime someone tried to equate their bio childs pickiness for what we were going through I'd be rich). She ended up in feeding therapy which was a huge help.

5.) What did you use as your source of reference? Mainly this board and all the APs. And of course special friends like KarenJoe and Wendrew. Don't think I'd have gotten through the adoption process or post-adoption without them.

6.) Whatever else. Walk don't run. 6 months home is just a drop in the well. Every day is a chance to do better, to cement the bond. Do have your child evaluated by the early intervention people if on trip 1 you know they are severly delayed. I had my DD's appointment set up before she even got home (made it between trip 2 and 3) and she started PT immediately with ST shortly thereafter. It helped to have professionals in the mix.

[tigger44]

Our daughter came home at 11.5 months. We've been home almost one year.

1.) How is it going?
Overall I think things are going very well. We still have some issues with intimacy and control, but things are better every week. Our little girl is adorable, funny, and a gift from God.

2.) What did you do?
We gave all of our family members some articles about how we would need to parent DD when she arrived home, and what limits we would be establishing with them, for our daughter's best interest. We set a predictable routine as quickly as possible (after DD adjusted to the time change, food, etc.) Stayed home a lot, hardly going out in public. Allowed limited visitors, and short visits. Limited others from holding as much as possible. Lots of play time on the floor, peek-a-boo, wearing DD in a baby sling in public and some at home, co-bathing/showering. We also use a lot of family language, talking about mommy, daddy and DD often as a family. When we are out in public and see other babies or children I talk about things those babies are doing with their mommies. If we hear babies crying in a store, I tell her that the baby needs his/her mommy to hold them so they will feel better. A real treat for both of us is shaving mommy's legs. DD loves to rub her hands through the shaving cream and spread it around, and it feels like a mini massage for me to get a rub down by those two precious hands.

3.) What would you do differently?
I wish we had not let other people handle DD so soon. It was confusing to DD and others when we wouldn't allow her to be held again at the next visit. She was a VERY affectionate baby, going to anybody and giving hugs as soon as someone else picked her up. I also wish I had been more bold to stop a certain MIL from picking up and doing whatever she wanted with DD. After four months home, we had a major problem with DD, as a result of not stopping MIL from going against the rules. I also wish that I had-had a better understanding of how to be empathic with DD. I lost patience too often. Now that I've changed my perspective and parenting style, and discipline style, DD is happier, and I am incredibly patient, nurturing and pouring over with love for her. But we can also tell that she is trying to figure out why she is not getting a reaction from us when she pushes those buttons that used to make mommy and daddy upset. I think we're on the right path with her now.

4.) What issues did you encounter?
Resisting intimacy (rocking, close face to face-eye to eye contact), comfort, any attention that was directed to her physical or emotional pain. Manipulation and control issues. Overfriendliness with absolutley anybody. Very engaging and charming with others, especially visitors in our home. And, she was a very picky eater. She still resists some foods, but her appetite is much better, and she is a big girl.
5.) What did you use as your source of reference? (Books, parenting styles, theory, websites, etc.)

This forum, adoption parenting books, websites, and my gut!
6.) Whatever else.
Followed our gut instincts. If something didn't feel right we acted on it, and took precautions. Most times we have been correct and have been grateful for the conservative and very cautious route that we have taken so far.

Take things slowly and be prepared for the unexpected. Our daughter is easily frightened by unusual things, as I suppose most toddlers are. It is important to become attuned with your child as quickly as possible so you can ward off any triggers to a tantrum or fearful situation, or to your child's particular inappropriate PI behaviors.