[magee]

After reading for hours last night on the forum, I got to wondering....are there any Russian adoptions out there that did not include attachment disorders? Or does it ALWAYS come with the territory? Our little guy is 23 mo. old and has become very willing to be held chest to chest and be comforted by me. His eating and sleeping are good. He seems to be adapting really well, but I wonder if it's the calm before the storm? I read about dependency bonding and it bummed me out, because I was feeling so good about how things are going. We've been home a week now and man, am I tired. Just wondered if there were any miracles kids who just adapted and didn't look back.

[angelkisses0102]

Yes...I got one of them as well...she transitioned well from dependency bond right onto healthy emotional, secure attachment. But it was not without work on our part, lots of attachment parenting...and she had a life threatening health situation which we 'saved' her from (in her baby mind) and it is possible that this was the why of how well she bonded...we will never know for sure.

This takes time...about 2 years according to the experts and the only way to know is honestly to look back at your progression over time.

Honestly, our kiddos do not come from 'normal' backgrounds by any stretch of the imagination...so any kiddo who shows no issues is truly a miracle child...
***ETA*** RAD and attachment disorder and attachment issues and attachment struggles are completely different. I am fairly certain my son was never RAD but he has a serious attachment disorder.

[Amysue1112]

HI!
My Hannah has been home 7 weeks, and is doing just great. Of course, we have had our moments...but all in all, she is a very "normal" one year old.
For about a week Hannah was freaking out when I would even walk away from her highchair during mealtime...I was PANICKING>...is it attachment? Is she scared I will leave and never come back??? I had myself quite wiggy!
Then I started talking to my friends who have or had one year olds.. ALL of them described the EXACT behavior.
After a lot of soul searching and observation...here is what I realized....
1) I was MAKING THINGS WORSE by being anxious about it...the WORRY about attachment was actually CAUSING attachment (or behavior) issues.

2) I was caught between what I thought was good for my child, and what "they" (no one in particular) said I SHOULD be doing...and what "they" said was best for my child. Therefore, I was not being consistant, and THAT was where the problem was.

There are a lot of people who are much more knowledgable in r/t attachment issues than I am. And they may be right. But I believe every kid is different Some were abused, some had bad orphanages...but others DID feel love BEFORE we came along. And every personality is different too. Some kids just adapt better...and some, no matter WHAT you do, will have problems.

My advice? Don't read any more about RAD/attachment issues UNLESS you see your child having problems. If you are happy and he is happy, and all is going smoothly...DON'T DOUBT YOUR ABILITY and you and your son's ability to be "connected". I think that a mom's instinct can be as good as any book or article.

So smile .things sound like they are going well and you are doing a great job!!!!!!

Of course your son is enjoying the feeling of love and closeness...there is nothing wrong with that!!!

Ok, I will come off my soapbox now... I am sure you will get plenty of other opinions/advice.

Take care!

[dlhall]

I have two children adopted from Russia and they both are doing great. My daughter has been home for 4 years and we were clueless about attachment issues and luckily we really didn't have any major problems. After reading about attachment (after discovering this forum and while preparing for our second adoption) and looking back, I realized that some of the things my daughter did do were attachment related and that I solved them using attachment parenting (I just didn't know that was what it was called). To me it was common sense stuff--more time cuddling, not letting others hold her or care for her, sticking to a schedule etc. She has blossomed into an energetic, happy 5 year old and she is firmly attached to us.

My son has only been home 5 months and he's doing great too. We started attachment parenting from the beginning and he is bonding really well. I won't say he is firmly attached (too soon really to say that) but I don't forsee any problems with his attachment occuring.

Some families have problems, some children don't attach, some get help, some stay in denial, some worry over every tantrum or behavior. The key word here is SOME, not EVERY. Hopefully things with your child will be great. I think being aware of potential problems is important, but so is being cognizant of normal toddler behavior. Good luck.

Liz

[beckyww]

We've been home two months with Julia, age 6. We had some attachment/rejection problems in Russia but - praise God - none since we've been home in San Antonio. Good eye contact, gives and receives affection, wants to be a part of things. We could have problems later and if so, we'll deal with them - but we just don't see any evidence of any really bad problems.

Becky
www.woodworthfamily.blogdrive.com

[kizibits]

So far my Alivia (age 1 year and two weeks) seems to have missed the RAD problems. She has excellent eye contact and is already showing a decided preference for Mommy over everyone else. She isn't clingy, but when someone else is holding her and she hears my voice she immediately searches me out and most of the time reaches out for me. Hopefully this will continue.

I did notice right off that she didn't like being in the stroller--she much prefers being in the baby carrier where she can see me. I usually carry her facing me and she'll happily babble away while we go about our journeys.

[papedge]

my son had no problems what so ever he adjusted well and that was with him going to a homedaycare intil he was 2 and regular day care after that he always made eye contact with us and would be held chest to chest from day 1 he was adopted at 15months....................

[waitinginnj]

My daughter has been home almost 3 years. She does not have attachment or RAD issues.

[tigger44]

I think that every child is going to have some issue with attachment, whether it be minor and not really noticeable, or major and full blown RAD. Most children seem to do very well, as a result of the attachment parenting or because of their personality, resiliency, or the care they received before coming home. Our daughter was very much loved by the orphanage staff, and she was very healthy when we brought her home (good growth and weight), so we know that she was physically nourished, but we have had some issues with attachment, although the issues seem correctable to us. We've had to change our parenting style, and our perspective, a few times. I too felt very confident in the beginning, because our daugher preferred me, screamed if I left the room, made good eye contact, etc.

I think it is EXTREMELY important to read up on attachment issues, as much as you can. It's so much better to be aware of the issues and the various behaviors that can result in your child.

In the current book that I'm reading one of the authors wrote that when she was giving birth to her children she read all she could about childbirth, and newborn care. She always skipped over the sections of the books that talked about c-section, because she never planned to have one. With her third child she had to have an emergency c-section. She talked about how she felt such panic and uncertainty as she was being rushed to the operating table, and how she wished she had not skipped over those chapters that talked about c-section, because she was totally unprepared! She was relating her personal experience to that of adoption parenting, about how critical it is to be educated about attachment issues, BEFORE they show up.

It takes more than just a few weeks or a couple of months for the real attachment issues to surface. You need to be educated and prepared before any problems arise and learn from those who have been home for longer periods of time. I don't let anyone try to convince me that the way my daughter behaves is "normal". Although sometimes she is behaving like a typical toddler, but many times she is not. I have to always parent her from the attachment approach, and always will.

[mikeintexas]

Our daughter has RAD but it took us over a year to get this figured out for sure. The first few months home went pretty well, she seemed to make eye contact, enjoy being around us, etc. About six months in, it was clear to my wife (though not me, as is often the case) that she was being manipulative on purpose. After 9 months, we began pressing harder on attachment parenting and the RAD came out screaming. SO, in our case, it was something that we didn't notice right way and the family dynamics (3 busy kids + 2 very tired parents) hid most of the problems.

I firmly believe that children can adjust very nicely after coming home to their forever families. I would encourage attachment parenting regardless just to make sure those problems can be addressed as early as possible.

Mike

[tchr_678]

As Amysue said ....

There are a lot of people who are much more knowledgable in r/t attachment issues than I am. And they may be right. But I believe every kid is different Some were abused, some had bad orphanages...but others DID feel love BEFORE we came along. And every personality is different too. Some kids just adapt better...and some, no matter WHAT you do, will have problems.


I really agree w/ what Amysue said here. My boys have been home 6 mos now (YEAH!!) and are doing great. I know I don't do everything 'by the book' attachment parenting-wise. I parent as I would ANY child I think I would have -- I do more of what feels right for my sons and my family. So far, we have had no attachment related problem (at least not major ones). They have great eye-contact, LOVE to snuggle (although this took some work), are appropriately shy, and DEFINITELY know who Mommy and Daddy are. It wasn't easy to get to this point, but like I said ... I just did what FELT right for us. I think too often people may tend to focus on the idea of attachment issues and look at ANY problem as though it is attachment related. I'm not saying this to judge anyone else -- more to justify my own thoughts. Anyway -- my boys are happy and healthy and doing great. No RAD problems!

[justmp]

We have two children adopted from Russian. Our daughter was 15 months old when she came home and has been home over 3 years and has not had ANY RAD issues. Our son, adopted at 10 months of age and home 1 year, has not shown any signs of RAD either.

[Jasiu]

I have been reading a lot about attachment parenting on the forum and began to wonder about the difference between attachment parenting and "normal" parenting. From what I can gather attachment parenting has to do with a lot of snuggling and generally physical contact and closeness to the children, a lot of one-on-one attention, etc. But, isn't it simply normal parenting? If not, how would "normal" parenting differ?

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by mikeintexas

Our daughter has RAD but it took us over a year to get this figured out for sure.
Mike

Mike~
Since you are in the midst of RAD (for that I am sorry) can you please explain to us exactly what RAD is...as opposed to a child simply needing time to learn to attach...or a child who struggles with or has attachment problems?

I think RAD is often a catch all term when in actuality...very few kids (and their families) suffer from RAD. Thanks!
Karen

From what I can gather attachment parenting has to do with a lot of snuggling and generally physical contact and closeness to the children, a lot of one-on-one attention, etc. But, isn't it simply normal parenting? If not, how would "normal" parenting differ?

In the case of a newborn, attachment parenting is very normal...it is in the cases of adopting a non newborn that it becomes muddied.

To me...after adopting two older infants...attachment parenting is...

#1) Parentening your child at their emotional age first and foremost.

#2) Parents being the only and primary caretakers. Lots of holding face to face, lots of touch, co-sleeping...

#3) Lots of games and activities that promote attachment, regardless of whether or not a child is demonstrating issues.

#4) Making the newly adopted kiddo's world small. Just as you would with a newborn in most cases...not having a parade of visitors holding and caring for your child. Not taking the child out to places where masses of people are or running to everyone's house...or having a steady stream of visitor's. Letting your child get comfortable in their new world first.

If I am not mistaken attachment parenting was a concept first introduced to care for bio kids, not adopted...

[GCS]

Both our children adapted and never looked back. It took longer with our oldest, but that is to be expected. Our youngest is very well adjusted. She is bright and healthy and very well attached to both her parents and to her brother.

Our oldest attached surprisingly well considering his age and his history of disruption. He did have some other issues he needed to work through that were not really attachment related. Today he is getting ready for 4 year old preschool and learning to read and write. He is very protective of his baby sister who is his best friend (next to his Papa of course!) and has become Momma's little sweetheart - which is amazing if you think that 20 months ago he didn't like women very much. He goes to daycare two full days a week and does well there socially. He is a very joyful, happy child.

Attachment parenting to help enable attachment and RAD are very different things. As Karen puts so well, children with attachment issues are not necessarily RAD children.

Right now everything is new, and it is wonderful that things are going well. Just keep up the attachment parenting and give him some time. You may not ever see any problems - that would not be rare. He could easily be one of those children who just moves into his new life and adjusts happily to his new home. More of the families I know through this process fall into this catagory.

The thing is to be aware of what issues can arise so you can deal with them. The rule of thumb from attachment specialists is that it takes 2 years to be fully attached. Everything that came up year one I asked myself first "is this attachment?" by year two I started saying "ok - could it be something else"? first. As APs we tend to overanalyze a lot of things. "Why is my daughter suddenly not sleeping through the night?" we look at attachment, but could it be something as basic as teething? We talk a lot about attachment here because that is always our first line of defense when we see a problem.


good luck!
Christina