[mixtim]

Question for you:

What instructions/requests, if any, did you provide to your friends/family with children concerning how they should address your child's adoptive status with their kids? What I mean is this: we have a number of friends with children who are familiar with us and our current family make-up, so when and if we ever complete our adoption the sudden appearance of this child is bound to peak the curiousity of our friends' children. Who is this person? Where did they come from? Where were they before? So forth, so on.

Part of me says just leave it alone since telling other people what to do with their own chidren is a general no-no. But on the other hand, I really don't want my new LO bombarded with questions or constantly reminded of his adoptive status because a parent didn't have a discussion about adoption and how it's a private matter with their child beforehand. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid . . . but I'm thinking maybe I should ask my friends to talk with their kids ahead of time?

What do you think? If I give kindly-worded instructions what should they be ??

[Kasey]

We were very open to my nieces and one nephew (who are all of the age to understand), not to mention the fact their mom was adopted, so it is openly discussed.
We answered every question they have had. I have also told them that it doesnt make our son who he is and he should never be labelled because of it, even though they think it is "totally cool" that he is from Russia, it will be up to him who and when he tells his story.
The totally get it and truthfully almost 2 years later I think they "forget" how he came to our family, he is just their cousin.
But I did find being open and honest with them and asnwering any question they may have ahead of time helped fend off the questions that may have come at inappropriate times.

Also we gave them access to childrens books which discussed adoption and several specific to Russia.

[Katie63011]

I personally would let the parents address it. We didn't have any issues and I think that almost all good friends and relatives addressed it their own way with their children.

I have fielded questions from some of my nieces and friends of children but it was more prior to the adoption and nothing but simple questions.

In this day and age I think that most children have a classmate, neighbor or friend whose family was formed through adoption so I don't think there will be as many questions as you may think.

Good luck!

[beckyww]

We're very open about Julia's adoption. However - we have explained to our three bio daughters - Julia's adoption story is hers to tell. As our circle of friends grows to include people who didn't know us "before," if Julia wants to tell them she's adopted- fine. But our older daughters are not to tell, simply because it's not their story. It's Julia's, and her choice.

Becky
www.woodworthfamily.blogdrive.com

[kretzklan]

We handled it much like Becky - of course, people who knew us during the process know they are adopted...but as language comes and they are actually moving schools this year - it's their story. My two will share it with anyone right now - at 7.5 months home. But, it is their story. I've even had to stop myself from telling it...

[kretzklan]

I don't think I totally addressed your question. It will depend alot on the age child you are adopting. In our instance - adopting a 6 and 7 year old...well, there were and still are questions. Kids want to know about where they lived, who took care of them - for us we've noticed most of the questions stem from each child's fears of not having mom and dad. In the beginning the language barrier kept my kids from understanding the questions - so myself, or a teacher (they were in school) would step in and answer. Now, the questions are fewer because the kids have figured out there isn't much difference between our children and themselves. I did not address what kids might say ahead of time - either by myself or through parents. As someone above mentioned, most families who are close to you will be addressing these things on their own. I hope that better addressed your concern.

[SingleMama2B]

Being that I was/am a single person adopting and an older child... it was real obvious when I showed up with an eight year old. Basically, family members (nieces/nephew/god children, etc.) where told that Aunt Alli has a daughter from Russia. This is your cousin..... can you help her learn english, and learn new games??? Well, they just all went to town. The only problems where when they (of course) couldn't understand DD, and I would interpert... they learned cheraides real quick!!! I wouldn't worry tooo much about it. Kids figure things out, and they (unlike alot of adults), do NOT over analysis things... they just want to play!!!!

[mixtim]

Yep, I definitely agree I'm likely overthinking this entire issue . . . but I just want to avoid problems/awkward moments (like that's realistic) where I can.

Thanks for the information and feedback on your experiences.

[GCS]

I going to take another direction with this. I adopted 2 from Russia one year after my brother and his wife adopted an infant domestically.

Their adoption is fairly closed - little to no contact allowed through a lawyer, never meeting, etc. He does not want anyone in our family to ever mention adoption or anything pertaining to the birth family.

We came home with a 3 year old and a 5 month old and have a very different way of addressing our children's adoption. Everyone who is part of our life knows we adopted and knows our adoption story. Our children know that they are from Russia in the same sense any child knows their heritage (ie. we're Dutch and Italian, etc). My son knows that he had another mother before me and that we did not meet him until he was 3. He oftens says "when I was a baby in Russia...".

How our children decide to present this to others later in life will depend on them.

We do not want to have our children defined by their adoption, but we do want them to be comfortable discussing it if they choose to and to understand there is nothing about their past they need to hide.

Really, once you are home and start to get acclimated, people begin to forget the "story". It just doesnt come up that much anymore.

That being said, I do not give really personal information out to just anyone. It is their story to tell once the time comes. We have close friends and family members who do not know many details of our children's past. It isnt something they need to know.

You will find what's right for you. Good luck!

Christina