[lakimnafite]

No, we don't have court yet... But DH and I have had some heated discussions lately and I want some opinions.

DH hasn't seen a lot of him family, including his dad, in 15 years. Part of this is due to the fact that we live in Oregon and they live in Vermont.

We fly from Portland to NY, then to Moscow. DH believes this will be a perfect opportunity to see his family. His idea is that we will go to Russia for court and bring home our 12-13 month old baby girl. Then, on the way home, instead of going NYto Oregon, we will continue to Vermont. DH's brother will fly over with our 7 year old son, and we'll all spend a week in Vermont before bringing our new daughter home.

DH feels some urgency, as his dad's health has not been good. He fears that if he doesn't take this opportunity now, his dad my die before he has a chance to see him again.

My fear, obviously, is that this will hinder attachment. I do not know these people and will have just come home from 1/2 way around the world with a new little baby who needs to know us and understand who we are before we expose her to new family that I don't even know. I understand DH's anxiety about his dad's health, but I don't want to risk my daughter's attachment! I feel we should come home, and plan a trip back east some time in the future.

Am I being unreasonable and overly cautious, or is he creating too risky of a situation....

Thanks!

[SingleMama2B]

Please, this is just my opinion, and take it just as that.... Personally, I would take the side trip to Vermont. The additional week will probably be hard, but it is his father, and to spend this time may be the best thing for your husband. I have learned (from everyone here) that attachment is HUGE to deal with, but to be honest.... you probably won't take that trip back East for many, many months, and you really don't want anything to happen to your FIL and your husband to have regrets.....

I am sure that there will be many on BOTH sides of the fence on this one. Personally, I wouldn't miss the opportunity to see relatives (not like they are driving distance) since the health is not the best.

I hope that you are happy and comfortable with what you decide!

[kretzklan]

I had a whole lovely response typed up and my computer did something weird...so here it is a little more shorthand. I think that traveling would be bad...mostly because of how exhausted you and the baby and all involved will be. Transferring back to US time...etc...it's hard and doing it with an ill relative will be hard. I was wondering if you could do the trip before Russia. Same as the plan you had - but just on your way out instead of in...that way your DH could relax and know he had seen his dad and you could have a mini-vacation before becoming the mom X 2!

[kcgirlinfl]

We had a similar situation when we came home from trip #2 last year. DH was insistent that we go to KC to see all of our family either on the way home, or right after returning home (we live in FL). His mother is elderly and doesn't travel, and he really wanted her to be able to see DS. We ended up returning home on a Sunday night and flying out again on Thursday to see family. I wasn't crazy about it, but I thought that it would be better to get the trip out of the way right off the bat before we got settled in at home and while we were still in travel-mode.

It turned out ok for us. It was hectic, but once we finally did get home we were able to hunker down and spend lots of time alone with just the 3 of us. And I was glad that our families and friends all got a chance to meet DS.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

[GCS]

This is just my opinion, so you can take it or leave it. I would go. I think if you do not and his family (esp. his father) doesnt get to meet her at all, this will always be an "I wish we did" for you.

I think that you will have a bit of a crazy, stressful time and it will be hard for all of you, especially her.
But you will get home with her and then you need to be really vigilant about getting her on a good schedule and attachment parenting.

Ultimately, its a week lost of attachment parenting, which I am not taking lightly, but it seems that neither are you. I would do it but I would have a conversation with DH about how once you're home attachment parenting needs to be your primary focus.

Good luck!
Christina

[LilyMoon]

This is a tough one....I have two suggestions:

1. Let your husband take this side trip to visit his family while you continue on home with your child.

2. Stay in a hotel room near your husband's family and you spend most of the time in the hotel with your child while he visits the family.

I know that any solution will not meet everybody's needs completely, but I agree with some others that you should not deny your husband seeing his sick father.

Good luck with your decision!

[stephw3boys]

I do not think taking the side trip is out of the question. As for hindering attachement, please tell me why? If no one else holds the child, or provides care, why would it hurt? Esp if mom and dad make it a point to have lots of "family time" .
Also, I think Kalina, even before she came home, began to trust "us", not where we were. She transitioned from one hotel to another, then to home, and was with US the whole time. It did not matter much the surroundings. DOes that make sense? When we traveled to our mtn condo 2 months later she was with US, same as NY the next month. Though I did fear she might have flashbacks in a hotel room, which she did not.

[candace2006]

If he has not visited his folks in 15 years, what are the chances of his going to see them after he gets home with the baby?

I figure that once he settles back in a routine, it will be harder for him. I would go on the trip.

However, I would follow attachment therapy even while visiting. Like asking everyone to always give the baby back to you or your hubby, so the baby knows who the parents are, and wearing her on your hip, etc...

Besides, a week passes quickly, and one day you would be glad you did spend time with your hubby's family. I'm sure the baby will bring joy to his folks, something they will welcome.

May you have a pleasant trip!

[hadams]

I don't think it will hinder attachment. And, if it is important to your dh, I think maybe you should do it. If you are correct, and your fil should pass, you would regreat not doing it the rest of your life.

That being said:

We took both of our children to their doctors the day after they arrived home for full workups. Son tested positive for giardia, and we began treatment right away. Another family we traveled with brought home a son with raging ear infections. And a third had a daughter with scabies, which requires lots of laundry and complicated cleaning. So, you might, just might, look into the name of a VT area pediatrician with experience with IA children to have handy on the off chance you need to see someone right away.

Second, it took days for my son and daughter to acclimate to their new time zone. They started off 12 hours ahead...and spent just enough time in Moscow (8 hours off) to get a little mixed up, and then came all the way home. For days, they both lived on constant naps, never sleeping for more then four hours. So, it might be best if you make arrangements to stay somewhere apart from the family, so if you have to play with your child at 3:30am, you aren't disturbing anyone.

Third, the logistics of getting a week's worth of stuff ready for your seven-year-old and trust his uncle to pack it and bring it... that's a little scary. Make sure you leave a very detailed packing list, or you will end up with a son with a suitcase full of matchbox and not a single pair of underpants.

Fourth, you are going to be tired. Bone tired. Getting back to the U.S. is going to feel good, but not as good as getting back home. Make sure you have lots of downtime scheduled both in VT and back in OR.

Fifth, when you first bring your child home, it is a good idea to keep their diet as close to what it was as possible, introducing new foods slowly and one at a time. For this reason, you probably want somewhere where you can cook and control the foods as opposed to eating at restaurants, etc. At 13 mo, your daughter will probably be eating chopped or pureed table foods (my 14 mo old was), baby cereal, applesauce, yogurt, etc.

Best of luck to you!

[angelkisses0102]

Go with your gut! You are the only person who knows this child...

Personally, I wouldn't risk attachment for anything...but as you know, my situation and my view are tainted by 'getting' the 'one' who didn't attach.

Throwing in another stop will be confusing at best...the poor child will have gone from orphanage to hotel, to Moscow to hotel....spent unGodly amounts of time on a plane and then stay at yet another place that will not be her home, get on another plane and then finally arrive home.

Many of our kids need structure and calm...the sooner the better for them...because it is all about them those first months home, IMHO. I say continue on and if DH wants to stay and visit.....fine. My guess is there is a reason 15 years have passed since a visit and your new daughter is not the reason...why take the chance with her? You don't know them and have no obligation to them...sorry sounds harsh...but life sometimes is.

I guess what I am saying is will YOU look back with regret for going or not going? Your child may be fine either way...but if she does struggle, will you blame the trip?

Again, I know my opinions & posts aren't popular but...I lived the hell of AD...not everyone does.

All the best whatever you decide.

***ETA*** The first thing we did with both kids was get them to the pedi ASAP....like home Saturday....pedi Monday. Both kids truly 'needed' to get there...nothing major but, things needed treatment.

[aimeemk]

This is just my 2 cents!

It depends on how long your second trip will take. We were in Russia for a month. DH and I were exhausted and I do not think we would have been able to handle a side trip.

15 years is a extremely long time without seeing family. I understand the distance. Maybe a trip before going to Russia is in order and one a few months after you arrive home.

I am glad it is not my decision to make!

[drazil65]

I am with you on this for many reasons and this is just my opinion based on what my experience was bringing home our son (and we had a pretty easy and quick trip!!!). First, all I wanted to do was get home and start to get settled and let things calm down for all of us. I wanted my own bed after all the stress of the trip and traveling through time zones. We were all so exhausted, our son was in the middle of this huge transition and I do not think that it would be fair to pile even more stress on the family and especially the baby. You have no idea if she will be healthy when she gets home and she should see a doctor the first week hopefully for a complete checkup. I do not mean to be harsh towards your DH but lets face it he has not been so urgent in trying to see his father up to this point (15 years???) and if you do not even have a court date yet why doesnt he just go now for a few days. Then at a more appropriate time in the future if things work out you can plan a family trip to visit. I personally think your DH should not make you feel bad about this by arguing about it, he really should be thinking about what is best the baby when she gets home (and for mom). Sorry if this sounds harsh but all you are going to want to do is go home, believe me!!! The best of luck with this one and I have a safe trip.

[Ktates]

I can see both sides. But ultimately I agree with Drazil - Exhaustion is key here - everything is new to all of you... You can have a child that seems to adjust pretty well for those first few weeks or not - or most likely it will be somewhere in between.

We had planned on stopping in Ireland on the way home (only for a night since we had to stop somewhere). We did not and we were so glad...our daughter overall did well but those first 2 weeks she wanted nothing to do with DH - she screamed bloody murder any time he went near - it was very difficult physically and emotionally. All we wanted was to be home in familiar surroundings where I knew where to get everything I needed in the comfort of my own home with no one else distracting us. Most of the time she was really good and she slept and ate really well - but it was still WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY more difficult than we ever expected.

Maybe you can stop there on the way to Russia for a few days? I just think it's going to be tougher than you realize and that's a lot to ask for someone you haven't seen in 15 years (and they just as easily could have come see you)....

If he really pushes maybe you can go portland to Boston and you can overnight there and your FIL can come down???
Good luck -

[lakimnafite]

Thanks for the feedback. I do want to make something clear that perhaps wasn't before. There is no reason to think his dad is going to die. He had pneumonia. But while in the hospital he started thinking about his life and I think realizing he is getting older and has been estranged from his children for much of their lives. He's not currently ill or dying..

I think DH got scared because his dad has made no effort to contact him in 15 years, and suddenly is calling. My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly three years ago - and that probably has something to do with it, too.

DH did suggest that we go with DS a week early, and then send DS home with DH's brother while we go to Russia. Since we expect about 2 weeks notice for court, that would mean a last minute trip across the country before a last minute trip across the world! That also feels overwhelming! DH thinks I am just being negative about every one of his ideas. I just don't think it's the right time. I'd rather come home, get settled in, and travel in a few months.

I don't know if that changes any of your answers, but I wanted to make sure you all understood DH's dad is not (as far as we know) currently ill.

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by lakimnafite

I think DH got scared because his dad has made no effort to contact him in 15 years, and suddenly is calling. My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly three years ago - and that probably has something to do with it, too.

DH did suggest that we go with DS a week early, and then send DS home with DH's brother while we go to Russia. Since we expect about 2 weeks notice for court, that would mean a last minute trip across the country before a last minute trip across the world! That also feels overwhelming! DH thinks I am just being negative about every one of his ideas.I don't know if that changes any of your answers, but I wanted to make sure you all understood DH's dad is not (as far as we know) currently ill.

Your mom's passing may in fact be troubling him...

I would probably take the trip before...not because I would want to but because it is important to your DH...make it part of your journey to your daughter.... It is a lot of work but...even though families are tough...your DH will have to live with his decision forever.

My family is tough...I guess that's why I hardline on this...honestly, if I did not make the effort, I would never hear from or see my dad. Plain and simple fact of life...but when I let it...it hurts...bad. however, I make the effort...for my kids.

So, make the sacrafice of you...not your your baby girl...is my personal opinion. Go on the way...IMHO.