[jewel1969]

My DH and I are leaving on June 17th for trip one and I was told that if we change her name we need to have it decided by our first trip. Anyone changed the name of an older child? If so was it difficult to get them to respond or did they feel angry that you change their first name? We would keep her original name as her middle name so if she ever did want to use it when she was older she could. My second question is about starting school. We live in Westren New York and the kids start school after Labor day. All going right we are hoping to be home with her by mid August, but you know how that can go. Anyway I was wondering if I should start her in kindergarden right away or wait a few months for her to settle in and get use to our family and a routine. Any information will be greatly appriciated. Thanks, Julie

[kretzklan]

Both of these are very personal decisions. So, I can only give you my story!

We adopted a 6 year old girl and 7 year old boy and we changed their names completely. Did not retain birth name at all. They were and are still thrilled. All our son wanted to know was how to write his new name in English - and he spent our whole second trip writing it on EVERYTHING. And our DD's comment was that her name sounded like a chorus of a 1000 angels singing. In our world it has really made them part of our family. One of our deciding factors was the lovely translator we had on trip one. We were planning to use their birth names as middle names and she said 'You are giving them a life, name them as you would a birth child'. We took that to heart and it's been a great decision for us!
School - we started our children quickly after coming home (2 weeks I believe) and again, it has worked for us. Especially with kindergarten - so much of what they are learning is the same skills your daughter will be learning...social skills: sharing, taking turns, speaking nicely - behavioral skills: sitting still during story, crossing legs, keeping hands to themselves. Just check on her age - you won't want to send her as the youngest child as she'll most likely be behind emotionally anyway...
I hope this helps in some way!

[tchr_678]

DH and I adopted 4.5 and 2.5 yr. old brothers ..

Like Kretz said .. these are personal decisions .. but here is our story.

We did not (really) change our (now) 5 yr old's name. He is, and always will be, Dima to me. We did give him a first name we chose and kept his Russian name as his middle name (Thus, Craig Dimitry), but we still call him Dima. I didn't want to cahnge his name on him, when it is all he has known. Also, our little boy was so shy in the beginning, I don't think he could have told us honestly if he wanted a different name or wanted to keep his own. He is named after my father, so -- if he eventually wants to have that as his name, I'm all for it. It was important to me to give him a first name - because he is my son -- but, like I said .. he's still Dima to me!!

As for school - We are going to keep him back a year. I am a special ed teacher and the coop I work for offers an at-risk preschool program - which he will be in the fall. But, we decided to hold back on Kdg for a year ... I just decided that I'd rather hold him back now, then when he is in 3rd or 4th grade .. I know that isn't a guarantee, but it was a possibility and I just didn't want to do that right now. He is small for his age, very shy .. so I think this catch-up year will do him good.

[lippylulu]

We adopted an 8 year old so we kept her Russian name as she already had her own strong identity. We started her in school a week after she came home and it has been a total success for us. That being said, an 8 year old is in a very different situation than a 4 year old. Our daughter had already attended school for 2 years so the familiarity with certain school routines was probably comforting to her. We also have GREAT ESL services in our school system (probably the best in the country---NYC) where the schools have a lot of experience helping immigrant kids adjust. We also were not that concerned about attachment issues with our daughter since we could see from the start she was not atatchment disordered. Attachment took time, but it wasn't necessary for us to keep her at our side at all times to foster the attachment relationship. A 4 year old has very different needs than an 8 year old and with a younger child I might be more inclined to hold off a bit longer to give the child more time at home with mom and dad. I would not worry too much about enrolling the first of the school year anyway. I really wanted our daughter to start on the first day with the other kids but she ended up starting a month late. The Principal told us not to worry and he was right. In fact, there is something to be said in favor of a child starting after the school year has already begun and the chaos and nervous tension of the first few weeks has subsided.

[Alison_inPA]

We kept our kids' Russian names and waited 6 weeks to put them in school. They are 6 (first grade) and 10 (4th grade). The first grader hadn't yet started school in Russia, but we put her in first here because that was the only way to get her in ESL and to have a full day of school.

I don't think there's a right or a wrong answer to either of your concerns. A commited and understanding parent could make either option work fine. We never really considered changing our kids' names, and we like their Russian names. It's really hard for me to imagine them with different names, but I think there's a symbolic value (as Michelle said) to a name change as part of integrating into a new family. My kids would probably have seen it as a loss rather than a gain at first, and we would have had to struggle with that. On the other hand, it would have sent a strong message about permanence that has been slow in sinking in with them.

[leeinmemphis]

we changed both of their names... they did not retain any russian name at all and they were very happy to have new names... if you called them by their old names they say "thats not me!".

We kept our oldest son back and so both of our boys will start K in the fall (Will will be 5.5 and Tim will be 6.5 going into K).. they went to full day preschool after about a month at home and it helped greatly to learn english and other social skills but we didnt feel like our oldest was ready with his language skills to start K last fall as he was eligible to. He is also our less mature child even though older so we thought another year would help him mature and it has worked out very well.

So, we will have double everything until college is over... fun !

alli

[LilyMoon]

Congratulations on you impending first trip!

We adopted our daughter 3 years ago at the age of 4.5. We kept our daughter's full given name only changing the spelling and pronunciation. We did call her by the nickname she was called at the orphanage for the first 6 months home and then switched to her full name.

We kept our daughter home for about 2.5 months before starting her in school. Then we began with a few hours a day and I stayed in the classroom for about 3 weeks slowly weaning myself out. I was told by the director of my agency who is also a social worker to keep my daughter home for as long as possible to work on bonding and attachment and to teach her what living in a family meant. As it turned out, she really needed that time to adjust. Leaving all she knew as safe and comfortable behind was very traumatic for my daughter. We really needed to build trust between us and that time we spent together working on attachment, language and learning was very important.

Best of luck to you on your trip!

[leeinmemphis]

we had an older russian lady who lives in our town come over to our house a few times a week when we first came home to help us talk to the boys and explain things to them etc.

After a dr appt when we had been home for about 3 weeks they asked the interpreter "when are we going to see some kids?" it cracked me up because here i was, trying to stay home with them and bond and in their little lives all they knew was being surrounded by tons of other kids so being with a mom all day every day must have been pretty dull!

That's when i knew that preschool was going to be fine for them! Lucky for me, that provided going back to work full time a few weeks later FAIRLY guilt free.. well, at least less of it!

alli

[jewel1969]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me it really helps. It's so great to get ideas from people who have already gone through the process. Thank you again. Julie

[Pinkie]

I kept Antonina's birth name because I thought it was a lovely name but her name was totally alien to her. She was never called Antonina by her birth family nor in the orphanage. The transmittion was smooth enough. In the beginning she did repeat her name used in Russia a few times but that was in the first few weeks.

As for school, alot of it depends on your circumstances but for the record Antonina was in school within a week and it has worked for us.

P.S. Antonina was five and a half years old when home forever.

[waitinginnj]

Pinkie - great point - before anyone deals with the decision about naming, it is important to find out what your child is actually called. I had some thoughts that I shouldn't change my daughter's name but she had no knowledge of it. She was always called my a nickname that I felt wouldn't work in the US on any level. So I ultimately made the decision to change her name guilt free. She would have been experiencing a change either way.

[Jim_in_PA]

Names...we did not change our girls' names. They are happy with that.

School...we started them in school about four and a half weeks after they came home for good. (adoption completed at the end of November and they went to school right after the holiday break) School has been very, very good for both of them. Being with their age peers helped a lot with language acquisition and for our girls, enforced separation all day long. (1st and 4th grade) But this is definitely a child-specific thing and you'll have to judge things for yourself as well as insure that the school has a clear understanding of PI kid's needs and YOUR rules for their interaction with your child. Now, there are a lot of folks who choose/believe in keeping the child home for an extended period of time. I respect that if they have the resources/time to do so, but even then, I believe that kids benefit from being with other kids for part of their day, even if it's just a play group. IMHO, of course, and this presumes that the child isn't unstable in such situations. Monitoring is essential...

[mikeintexas]

Hey Julie - you've heard my thoughts elsewhere. You're getting great advice here! Glad you brought it up! Mike