[mixtim]

Hi. DH and I are looking to adopt a toddleraged boy. We've been in the process since Spring '04 . . . long story as to why we are still around that I won't get into here. We have been warned to expect delays, attachment issues, etc. so we are definitely going in with eyes wide open and with a fair amount of knowledge about the adoption process.

However, I wanted to get more specifics on the delays, attachment issues any of you online may have struggled with so that we have an even better idea of what to expect, what may or may not be "normal," etc. I'm still not clear from what materials are out there what exactly an "attachment" issue or what it looks like! Also, any ideas as to how to tackle them is very welcomed.

TIA

[ddlucy]

Our little guy is 4 - our homecoming day was Feb 22nd.

Language has been the biggest obstacle. The orphanage doctor and the embassy doctor both said his Russian language skills were quite good. We know when he is frustrated with - you can see it. Generally a good hug helps him.

It has been 6-8 weeks since he has been with us, and he is already picking up simple english sentences.

We are fortunate that he now has an older brother and sisiter - plus our neighbors boy is the same age. He receives plenty of stimulation from his new family and the neighborhood. I think this has helped ease his transition.

[tchr_678]

My husband and I completed our adoption of brothers in January. Connor is 2.75 and Dima just turned 5.

All in all -- both boys are doing fabulous. I couldn't ask for more! Since you are asking about toddlers, I'll start w/ Connor.

When we first met Connor, he was shy and scared at first - cried a lot - but quickly bonded with me and liked to be w/ me. He was hesitant around DH - as many IA kids are. He remembered us from our first trip to our second and gave us big hugs when we went back from us. It was after we got him out of the orphanage when we first really saw his personality. He is a character -- always has to make people laugh. But he definitely gets mad ... When we first got him home, when he got mad, he would just sprawl out on the floor, looking for us to pay attention to him. We'd sit by him, but ignore what he was doing. Those have stopped. He ate pretty good from the beginning -- didnt' like meat too much and still struggles with that sometimes. But, after being home for 3 mos he weighs 32 pounds and 3 ft. tall, so he's making great gains. Academically speaking, he can count to 12 now, in English, on his own. He knows all his colors and speaks about 99% of the time in English. He rarely throws temper-tantrums -- there is only one time I can recall a full blown tantrum. He is starting to have a little bit of trouble following directions, but nothing major. I really think that is more to do w/ age than anythign else. And the problem is more with Daddy than mommy. (But, daddy is working a lot more too). His attachment, thus far, is GREAT. Just last night, he sat on my lap, making faces at me and giving me kisses, all the while starring into my eyes. The only time we have to remind him of eye-contact is when he's in trouble! He is sleeping through the night and really has since we brough him home. THere was a 1.5 week span where he was waking up frequently, but he also came down with a pretty nasty cold at this time, so I think it was primarily to do with that. He is very much a mommy's boy and doesn't like to be too far from me. He likes to play with Daddy, but snuggles with Mommy. I can't say enough good things about this child -- he is truly a blessing and I love having him in my life.

Just to touch on Dima -- he's phenomenal as well. In the orphanage, when we first met him, he would not look at us, interact with us, talk to us .. NADA!! We say a few sparks of him as the week progressed, but the true Dima came out the day we took him from the orphanage. He really hasn't struggled with attachment thus far -- his eye contact is also great, he responds well to consequences, seeks us out when he needs something. His English is wonderful .. knows all his letters, how to write his name, colors, numbers, you name it. In the beginning, he was notorious for pouting .. We dont' have that anymore either.

So ... I don't know if this really answered your question. I don't see the attachment problems that others may see, so I'm not able to give advice on that. But, I can show you the other side of it -- the side I'm experiencing right now.

One word of advice, LEARN SOME RUSSIAN - - It truly was a life-saver. I think it made the transition so much easier for the boys. Imagine how scared you would be if you were taken to Russia right now - without anything you know or anyone you love. Now, imagine that you are TWO! Being able to talk to them REALLY helped their comfort level, I believe.

[deere1]

Our son was 28 months when we returned home. He was diagnosed with speech delay. He spoke very little even Russian in the beginning. In less than two months however he had mastered his 100 words. At six month follow up with IA doctor they said he was on track.

He also was malnurished (parasites). His lower body mass was slightly under developed. With vitamins and good diet he quickly built up lower body strength. In the beginning he fell a lot, could not hop or jump. His over all coordination was not as good as it should have been. Our IA doctor gave us things to work on. We never needed formal therapy for this or speech.

Emotionally it was a challenging first three weeks. He went through extream tantrums. He was frustrated and we too of course. His coping skills were lacking. We learned to slowly introduce him to new things. Today he does fine in new situations but the first six months we were cautious.

I am happy to say our son is healthy and doing well.

[manon]

I adopted a 24-month-old girl. She would make eye contact, play with me, but wouldn't smile hardly at all at first & wouldn't babble. I could tell she understood what was being said to her in Russian, though, and she started picking up English right away but didn't really start talking right away (although she would cry). I think the kids in the orphanage were encouraged to be QUIET. For months after we got home, if she saw kids in a playground yelling & making noise & laughing out loud, she'd look alarmed and put her finger to her mouth and "shhh!" them.

Baby sign language helped her frustration a lot once we finally got started on that. I took her after she'd been home maybe 3 months for an Early Intervention evaluation of development (generally free up to age 3 courtesy of a federally-mandated program in every state). They said that she wasn't delayed enough to qualify for services at that point because her receptive language in English was already so good, and she said a few words in English while we were there.

Her behavior in general was like she just got out of jail and she didn't want to miss anything. She didn't want to go to sleep, and she'd play til she was staggering. I wound up learning the signs that she was tired and going ahead & putting her to bed against her protests, and she'd usually fall asleep in 2 to 3 minutes if I could manage to hold her still that long.

I think I wasn't prepared for how MOBILE she'd be form the get-go, and how I'd have to be extremely vigilant since she could easily get into so many things that she shouldn't.

She has made a really great adjustment, I think, although sometimes I suspect she has somewhat of an insecure attachment to me. But she is clearly affectionate and loving and basically a happy kid. She saves her worst behavior for me, which is probably a pretty good sign attachment-wise.

Things to facilitate attachment: lots of finger-play games can help get your child used to eye contact with you, like itsy-bitsy spider, or like playing games in the mirror with each other. That's less intimidating than just trying to hold your child where your child can't avoid eye contact.

We also bathed together a good bit, which helped, but which also wound up probably being the cause of my getting giardia (parasites). She had a really bad case of giardia that it took us a total of 10 months of treatment to get rid of.

Later after she did start talking, I had her evaluated again maybe 3 months before she turned 3, and they wound up giving her some pretty intensive speech therapy right up to the day she aged out of that program. It really helped or maybe it just came at the right time when she was ready.

Best wishes to you. I'd suggest reading "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Daniel A. Hughes.

[hadams]

Toddler is a pretty broad definition…but I think both of mine qualified.


Son was adopted at 14 months.


He was teething (had five teeth showing and enough drool to sink a ship), walking unassisted (but with his arms in the air for balance), and could, in Russian, point to known items in a book (Where is the dog? Where is the cat?) He had one word (Da!) which meant yes, no, more, eat, I am up, pick me up, put me down, and go away.


He was extremely stoic in the orphanage. You had to work hard to earn every smile. We traveled with three other families, all of adopting children of about the same ages, and he was by far the hardest to amuse. It was interesting to see all them go through the same phases while we visited them. First day, first hour, all about us. Rest of that day, all about their toys. Second day, paid more attention to us, played with us. Third day, all the kids tried switching mommies…seeing if one would pick them up, would a different one pick them up?


He loved toys that lit up or made sounds, balls, and a kiddy set of keys. He loved when his dad gave him airplane rides and the ball pit at the orphanage.

By the time we had him with us in country, we could get laughter out of him readily. But, if not being amused, he was still as stern as could be.

He traveled home fairly well. Was an absolute live-wire on one flight, and took the long flight pretty much in stride. If you had cheerios, you had his attention.

Once home, he settled in pretty quickly. Took about a week to get his schedule back on track. He was a good eater, and he checked out 100% healthy and on target at his first physical.

He was behind in speech, with no words until almost 18 months. But by 24 months, he had caught up and passed his speech developmental marker.

He has never been behind any other developmental markers (small motor, gross motor, etc.). He has grown into an extremely bright loving little boy.

Biggest surprises in bringing home a PI child this age: he had no concept of no, or not his. Everything in his world before was his to play with. Every room had been designed so that there was nothing they couldn’t touch or play with. I had removed fragile things before he came home, but didn’t realize that pillows look like balls, or that you can take out a ceiling fan with a well thrown toy.

Daughter was adopted two years later, at age two. She was the polar opposite of her brother. The day she met me, she latched on to me like a leech (which is a bad sign). She played with me, sang with me, danced with me, and giggled for me. She throw a screaming mimi fit everytime I left the room.

She got mad at me when I left, and would pout a bit each day when I first got there to let me know she was still made about my deserting her the day before.

She loved stacky cups, locking beads and mirrors.

She loved to look at books, loved to be held, loved to be on my lap. Once out of the orphanage, her earlier displays of temper were even more common. Everytime she didn’t get her way, she dropped down to the ground screaming and crying. It would only last a bit, but boy, was it challenging.

She loved to play the come to momma game (she goes to one end of a room, you squat down, hold out your arms, and call her name, she runs to you, and when she arrives you show joy, give a big hug, and lift her to the sky), Peek a Boo, and Which Hand.

We knew, just by the way she had latched on to me, that she had some attachment issues. Once home, we worked on a lot of attachment parenting with her (which is hard when you have a jealous 3.5 year old who used to be king of the hill).

She still would rage at me pretty regularly when we were face to face (like on the changing table, or when I was buckling her in her car seat).

After about six months, things calmed down a lot. After that first six months we really started to make strides to forming a secure between us. While our attachment to each other continues to grow and change, we no longer consider her to be attachment challenged.


She is still speech delayed, and receiving speech therapy through the school district. We are monitoring her for a possible auditory processing disorder.

She is on or above target in every other way (small motor, gross motor, etc.)

Biggest surprise in parenting a PI child this age: all my techniques for dealing with 2yo temper required mutual understanding. How can I convince a 2yo to stop screaming and get up off the ground in the parking lot of the target if I can distract them with a promise of something in the car?

[mixtim]

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear your personal experiences. I read The Weaver's Craft and it scared the heck out of me, so it's good to hear that while we certainly should expect difficulties, they will more than likely not be insurmountable.

My husband and I do want to learn some Russian, but only have time to really learn the biggies like "help," "Mom/Dad", "bathroom", "I'm hungry", etc. Any recommendations? The language tapes we have are OK, but they are more designed for learning Russian rather than a crash course designed more for say a tourist and so forth.

[Pinkie]

I completely agree about learning a little Russian. Just the basics is all you need. There is an excellent DVD/Pocket book on learning Russian especially for adoptions. I'll try and remember to get the name/author out tonight unless someone else has it on hand and can post.

[his,mine&ours]

Teresa Kelleher's CDs are excellent and targeted toward adoption. Google her name and you can find it!

[tchr_678]

There is a CD called Russian Phrases for Children ... I will look when I go home this evening to find out who it was produced by. It is set up in tracks w/ greetings, endearing add-ons, colors, numbers, directives, yes/no questions, eating, dressing, etc. It's great! We listened to it every other day on our way to work and it helped SO much! I'll look into it for you ...

[waitinginnj]

when I adopted at 2 - the critical pharases for me were I love you (Ya tab ya lou blue) and Don't be afraid (Ne boy sa). My agency provided a list of key phrases and the pronunciations.

The Weaver's Craft does scare the heck out of you.

Good Luck

[Aphi86]

We have adopted an 18 month old and have had her for three weeks. I was very prepared, and still am for attachment issues. But, I have to say, knock on wood, we have not experienced anything horrible or outside the realm of normal 18 mo old behavior. Is she willful yes, does she struggle for independence, yes, is she particular to what she eats yes, but so are most kids this age. Do, I keep her strapped to me, yes! But, I took her to the Mercedes dealership today and didn't have her strapped to me and everyone was commenting on how cute she was and TRIED to pick her up!!! So odd, anyway she was having none of that and turned back to me! She is sleeping better than my bio dd!!!! She is an absolute joy. I have to say, if you have never experienced toddlerhood then it is challenging. I quickly found out how NOT babyproofed the house is as she tried to get into every drawer except the ones I have set asided for her! Let me add, while this is nothing like I was expecting, I am SOOOOOO GLAD I read and prepared for this.

[Pinkie]

Originally Posted by tchr_678

There is a CD called Russian Phrases for Children ... I will look when I go home this evening to find out who it was produced by. It is set up in tracks w/ greetings, endearing add-ons, colors, numbers, directives, yes/no questions, eating, dressing, etc. It's great! We listened to it every other day on our way to work and it helped SO much! I'll look into it for you ...

Its this one but I forgot to look. Sorry!! I'll set my phone alarm to remind me to look. The author is Fred?????

[LilyMoon]

I second Theresa Kelleher's tapes/CD's. They are designed specifically for the adoptive parent and are wonderful.

We adopted a 4 year old, almost three years ago. Had some attachment and adjustment challenges for a while. She was defiant, easily overstimulated, went to other adults to get her needs met, and had little concept of what living in a family with one Mom who cares for you was all about. Luckily, we did not have health issues or delays as she was on target developmentally. With strong attachment parenting (that I spent a great deal of time researching) and lots of effort, patience, and time....we got through it. My child is doing so well and is such a joy. Adopting at this age has it's challenges, but the rewards are incredible. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Feel free to get help here. There are many well informed adoptive parents with loads to share.

Reading material I recommend:
Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray
Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes
Beyond Consequences Logic and Control by Bryan Post

Best wishes on your adoption journey!

[Pinkie]

I remembered to look!!! Russian Phrases for children by Fred Des Chenes an adoption language tool for English speaking parents.