[Dad79]

Nicole's been home since 3/22. How long would you wait to put her in daycare? We're thinking of sending her as early as 4/10. Is that too early? We're thinking it will help her learn English and get more used to everything, what do you think? My wife is fluent in Russian, so communication is only a problem for me, and she thinks it will be good for her. She visited the daycare, met the children and say's she wants to go.

[Jensboys]

Attachment experts strongly suggest that the child not receive care from other adults for a minimum of 6 months. There is no possible way that her attachment to you as her parents can be secure after a few short weeks - 6 months would be the MINIMUM. Right now - far more important than her english development or her education or her socialization is to establish a strong foundation of love and trust with her parents. I would STRONGLY suggest that you research attachment and understand why it is such an important issue.

Jen

[Lorraine123]

I totally agree with Jen. Her attachment with her parents is so much more important than learning English. She can't even know you as parents yet. Yes, experts recommend a minimum of 6 months. Without attachment to you, it won't matter how good her English is.

[Dad79]

She's 4 1/2 years old, she's not a baby, does that make a difference?

We really can't keep her at home for 6 months, and she'll be 5 by August and can start regular school by September.

I wish we could just stay home for even years at a time, but we actually have jobs that we don't want to lose and at the same time have this child. At 1st we plan to have her stay maybe 4 hours a day.

[Kasey]

There are many of us who could not be the only caregivers for 6 months straight and had to rely on day care (and things have worked out fine)--I would say if possible, how about a preschool type setting that is just a few hours in the morning or afternoon--so she is just learning and not really requiring "care" and with going to day care and school there are ways to still be the primary caregiver (things like not holding or too much cuddling by the caregivers, they can show affection in other ways, obviously she is feeding herself, but they can say things like mommy and daddy packed this snack for you, etc...I am sure alot of people with toddlers and older kids can discuss ways of dealing with attachment while sending a child to school.
I would also go with your child the first couple times, have one of you stay there with her.
I would say though, that maybe give it until the end of April, or go with her to a small playgroup where you would stay with her.
But watch her for signs that she is overstimulated, or that things are not going well attachment wise and don't be afraid to make changes.
BTW--you could always delay kindgergaten by one year, since she would be on the young side anyway. See how she is though.
Good luck!!

[Lorraine123]

The fact that she is older makes it even more important that you spend the extra time with her. She has had 4 years of experience for you to reteach.

[Dad79]

Like I said, she's 4 years+ and the classroom she might go to is more like 10-15 kids playing mostly independently with toys, sandboxes, crayons etc. with 2-3 caregivers watching and maybe helping them do something, like they baked some cookies the day we where there. My wife plans to stay with her the full 1st day and maybe some of the next few until she's OK, our house is 5 minutes away from the daycare, my office, where I work is less than 100 yards away, I can look out the window and see the building she'll be in and walk there in about 3 minutes if I had to, and I can go say hi at lunch time everyday, so I don't think it's all that bad.

[waitinginnj]

I agree that in an ideal setting, you would want to have considerably more time of attachment. I am a single parent, and couldn't do that. I used my sister for daycare for the first year. And we did take precautions to ensure that attachment was achieved successfully. I did wait 6 weeks and then started back to work part time for a week or two.

Work with the school and make sure that they understand your rules for attachment. When possible minimize the amount of time in daycare and make the tansition gradual.

As your wife speaks Russian, you will have the advantage of communicating with her and trying to make sure that Nicole understands that you you always come back etc.

Many have found that the kids miss having access to other children. The english will come quickly in school or outside of it.

Have a contingency plan in place, if attachment issues arise.

Good luck - these are very difficult decisions.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

My daughter had just turned 2 when she came home. She went into daycare 5 weeks later. She is very secure and attached. Even at 2, she knew who her mommy was. Cried when I left, had a great time when I was gone, and ran to me when I picked her up.

My second daughter will be 3 1/2 when she comes home. She will go into daycare 2 or 3 weeks after she is home.

Kay

[leeinmemphis]

who were 3.5 and 4.25 years old when we came home... i stayed home with them from June 26th until August 8th 2004 and they easily made the transition to preschool. I say easily but by that i mean of course they cried when dropped off but when i would call to check they would be playing with other kids and having a jolly time within 10 minutes or so. I remember very distinctly after they were home about 3 weeks we had our russian interpreter with us and they asked her when they were going to see any other kids (I guess being home all day with mommy was not so much fun

I had zero guilt (well, maybe a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttle bit) about going back to work because they learned english at preschool and they were back amongst a lot of kids like they were used to. We never had any attachment problems (that i know of, i guess after almost two years I would know?)

You have to do whats right for your family.....

alli

[chucknfw]

I know that there are exceptions and know that this isn't a perfect world, but I can't imagine putting a child that needs to transition out of a institutional setting into a home right back into an institutional setting.

Attachment is the buzzword of the day regarding adoptions, please don't view it as simply a clinical term. It is a real process and can require ever ounce of energy that both parents have.

Sacrifice is one of the hardest things a parent does. Investing now in this relationship will pay great dividends later.

A six month committment is truly an insignificant amount of time when you look at the big picture. What if it takes a year or even longer? Are you willing to do what is necessary to see you have a healthy attachment with your precious daughter?

[kimber413]

Depending on where you live, one parent taking 6 months away from work may not be an option, even with making sacrifices. We just couldn't do it. We did stay home with Kaitlin 6 weeks, then she had a week staying with a friend of ours, then I had another 2 weeks off for Christmas. We didn't put her into a real daycare setting until she'd been home a little over 2 months. It does take a little longer to form that attachment when you have to resort to daycare so soon, and we did a lot of things like rocking her to sleep, playing one on one with her, eye contact, etc., during any free time we had to realy work on that bond. It is doable, it just takes a lot of concentration on forming that relationship.

I wouldn't put her into daycare quite so soon as 3 weeks, though. And don't do it just so she'll pick up more English. She'll get that along the way, especially if your wife translates for her. If you both have to return to work, and can possibly make it until the end of April, that would probably be better. Be careful to look for signs that a particular daycare situation isn't working, though. We had to go through 2 daycares before we found the right one for our daughter. We didn't like making an additional change in her little life, but it was necessary in order to get her in the best situation.

Good luck, and don't feel guilty if you have to resort to daycare so soon for monetary reasons. Just be sure you spend a lot of good quality time when you are with her. She really needs to know she can trust you, can rely on you, and that you'll be coming back for her.

[hadams]

We've adopted twice.

First time, son came home at 14 months. Went into daycare 2 months later. I dropped him off at 7:00a, and my husband picked him up at 3:00p.

He has bonded very well with us, his transition to family was smooth and painless.

Second time, daughter came home at 24 months. We knew the day we brought her home, and certainly within the first few months, that she was not going to be ready for day care.

I stayed home with her mornings, my husband stayed home with her afternoons, until, eventually, after being home five months, we decided to cut bait and have my husband leave his job of 23 years and become a full time dad.

After being home one year, she started pre-school, (EC, for speech) 4 mornings a week.

-----------

So, I guess I would say it depends on you, and your family. If my daughter hadn't had early signs of having some issues, we might have made different choices.

My experience with my son tells me that there was nothing about placing him in day care that slowed down or jeopardized our attachment process.

[calikismet]

I think so much depends on the child and the schedule. I agree that a preschool is not really daycare -- to me, daycare is for infants and toddlers, and involves a lot more care for the basic stuff (feeding, dressing, etc). Preschool is much more independent play and activity, supervised by a teacher. At age 4, she will be feeding herself, etc.

So I think that yes, the age of the child does matter for this purpose.

However, I would, personally, recommend against FT care. I would move toward PT care, maybe a morning or 2 a week to start, and let her work into the care situation. She needs to understand that you are her permanent home.. and after just a few weeks home, there is no way you can establish that, even without the language barrier that many face. If you can delay her entrance into a program until summer time, I would heartily recommend it... let her get herself established in YOUR home before she is faced with a separation from you.

That said, I do know that 6 months of FT care at home is impossible for many... ourselves included. Both of our kids have done very well. We waited nearly 6 months before our son entered care, but my dad watched him a day a week starting about 3 months after we came home. Our daughter entered care about 2 months after coming home, on a PT basis. Both are now in preschool 3 days a week and both are well-adjusted and bonded!

BTW, I may be flamed for saying this... BUT...

You came here and posted and asked for opinions about starting care so soon after coming home. Then 2 things happened: you seemed to become defensive, and you seemed to disregard the opinions that were given... If you and your family are comfortable with your decision for care soon after your daughter came home, then by all means follow your own heart and situation. But if you come here and ask for opinions, then be open to those suggestions. JMHO.

[MominPA]

Our son came home in June and started daycare 3 days a week in September and then full time in January.

He bonded with us with no problems. He actually enjoyed daycare since he liked being with the other children. It helped him to catch up with the other children verbally. In the begining he was noticably behind but within a few months he was surpassing some of the other children.

He is now 8 and we haven't had any bonding or attachment issues. He is in 2nd grade, due to his birthday being late in the year, and is reading at a 5 grade level.

Best of luck with you decison.