[angelkisses0102]

I was recently having an offline discussion & was asked this question, from someone who researched Russian adoption but opted to follow a different route based on what their agency stated to them. I responded that I would pose the question here...it just took me a while! I edited out some but here is the gist of the question...

I feel that often when parents adopt internationally, they are lulled into a false sense of security. They think that RAD only happens to American foster children. They don't want to face the possibility. At least with domestic foster adoption, we were forced to go to classes and learn the symptoms for the disorders that our children may have. We learned how to access treatment. International adopters (as far as I know) now don't have to do that.

We adopted because we didn't want to do the infant thing again. We did NOT want a child with RAD. We were trying to decide between an older child from Russia or from US. We chose US becuase we were told that it was more likely to get a RAD child from a Russian orphanage. Do the agencies tell them that it won't happen?

I too am curious...I know my agency did absolutely nothing to prepare us...I did it all on my own. And I am not just talking RAD...but anything pertaining to a post institutionalized child and their transition to family life. What did your agency talk to you about? Did they inform you on attchment and bonding? What the warning signs are of a child who is struggling with their transition? How to make it easier on the child? How to get help post-adoption for the child who struggles? What is normal for our kids?

There are so many posts that seem to repeat time and time again regarding issues that really the PAP should know about and be prepared to deal with...yet many of us are not. Development, growth, sleeping, eating, potty training...etc.

Do we blame the agencies? I say yes, in part...but we should also know what to expect and really listen to those who have walked in our shoes before us. We should research and read and read and read. Prepare for the worst and pray for the best...because we never know how our child will react until they are home...and what if you get the 'one' who struggles?!

OK, I rambling..but you get my drift right???

****ETA**** This person does have a child who is RAD...***

[kretzklan]

I feel that we were well prepared by our agency - that said, I struggled, because maybe I didn't "listen" as I should have. I think agencies walk a thin line - when you are going through the process you have SO much on your mind and your "plate" - most agencies do require classes and ours hit on PI children and what to expect - even touching on worst case scenarios...but, did I really listen? When you are in the midst of the situation, you want to assume everything will be perfect. Even reading the books I read, I kept thinking - that won't happen to us. I went into this knowing that any child, in any system, who was not with their birth family had encountered pain that I could not imagine. By even now, with my children home, I am just learning what some of that means. My agency has offered to help if we need it now - our SW is a wealth of information. No matter how adoption comes to you, in whatever form - there can and most likely will be issues. The scale of those issues and the severity of them is dependent on the child - and I don't think it matters if they are from Russia or Alabama.

[KimOH]

I felt that I was aware of the possibilities and somewhat versed on what to do/what to expect. I have also been blessed with two children who haven't had any major attachment issues.

The agency we used for our first adoption required a 4 hour "pre-service class." It did not really go into depth on issues you might face. In fact, the issues were sort of glossed over as "Yes, you might face issues, but most of these kids need love and food." But, me being who I am -- I heard the part where they mentioned the issues and took it upon myself to research. I did feel that I was prepared, but my agency was only partially responsible.

Our second agency had a much more in-depth education program. I felt that they gave lots of information about potential issues. Perhaps they swung a little bit the other way. (Lots of articles on fostering attachment and speech development, but also lots of articles on "diagnoses" like sensory integration disorder, FAS, etc.) If I hadn't already had my DS at home and doing fine, I would have been scared stiff. But I do believe that it's important for families to know that these issues *may* arise with your child.

Kim

[Kasey]

Well in my experience, our first agency (even though things got bad with them and we had to switch), really did a great job with preparation and education, our homestudy was great learning process with info on promoting attachment, post adoption depression, what to look for, she tolod us it was ok to not have love at first sight and really told us to also try not to overanalyze every little thing, but to just relax, hibernate together as a family as much as we could and ASK for help if we felt overwhelmed. So in that aspect, our previous agency was great!
Being a nurse I also tend to read and research more. But I also believe that too much research in the beginning can be deterimental.
I think agencies should definitely help prepare, there are even online learning tools (we just had to do this for homestudy update), but PAP's should also take the time to read and learn. I agree basically with the concept of prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But I also think too much knowledge can be bad, if once home all you do is worry and second guess everything your child does, each little behavior, every sound, or noise, second guess everything you do or say around your child, etc..I think getting comfortable, relaxing with your child, doing attachment techniques, just getting to know your child, especially in the beginning is important.
I think you can do this, while also putting possible red flags in the back of your mind for the moment (write them down, your concerns and such).
To me, it is like a lot of patients I have treated, who learn all sorts of medical stuff on the internet and then sit around and analyze themselves for each symptom of every diagnosis.

I really think, that maybe the analysis or review of your situation or child should come after a month or two home, you have learned more about your child, their habits, their personality, they are hopefully getting comfortable with their surroundings and hopefully you are getting comfortable with being a parent. Then take a step back and look at how things are going, I would look back at anything I have written in my journal, or notes I jotted down or things that worried me and then see A.) are these still there? B.) If they are, what is my step, what can I do to change these things or who should I seek help from?

What I do think is very important and that agencies, fellow parents and family members should be more in tune too, is making sure parents know they can ask for help, they won't be judged, that it is ok to feel overwhelmed, stressed, frantic at times, just ask for help.
Ok, that is just my two cents on the topic! I defintely think it is our job to be prepared, now matter how a child comes into your family (if you were pg, you would be reading all the What to Expect books,etc..) so the same should be for adoption--read and learn. BUt also keeping in mind, that on the job learning is the biggest thing when it comes to parenting!

[pwnort64]

Karen,

Good question. Personally, I don't know how much responsibility lies with the agencies. To me, they play the role of bringing the families together, and are responsible for working within the confines of the wishes of the family based on the known information about the children. (In other words, don't refer a child with a condition to an adoptive family that they specifically stated that they did not want to deal with.)

First and foremost, I think it is up to each adoptive family to do their research and know what risk they are facing and be ready to deal with the worst but hope for the best. Bringing children into a family has risks no matter how it is accomplished: whether it is international adoption, domestic adoption, foster care, or by birth. Whatever situation a family finds itself in, to me, the onus is on them to research, study, read, and learn all they can about what they could potentially face.

A pregnant woman more than likely reads the 'what to expect' and the week-by-week pregnancy books so they know what to expect during and after their pregnancy. Why would an adoptive family expect that they could 'skip' this part of their research. They may not need to know about things going on within their body, but they should certainly understand about the process of adoption, and what to expect once they bring their child home based on the circumstances and background of that child.

I also think a responsibility lies with the social worker that is providing the home study. My social worker asked many questions to determine if I knew what the risks were for children adopted from Russia. She had a list of recommended reading. I think that if she thought I was clueless, she might have pressed the point with me a little more before giving me a positive homestudy. I think the homestudy should mean something more than just another document in the paper chase. To me, this is where the counseling belongs to ensure that the adoptive family is truly prepared for best and worst case scenarios.

And finally, I received a lot of paperwork and discussion from my international adoption doctor. Literally, she gave me a stack of papers that was 2 inches thick with all kinds of things to research and study about potential risks of internationally adopted children. This dealt with everything from physical ailments to developmental delays, to full-blown RAD.

Because of these boards, my own research, and the information I received from my IA doctor and social worker, I feel I was prepared. This allowed me to be alert to any warning signs and to know of things that were important to the way that I parented my son because of his background. Fortunately, I did not (so far, knock on wood) have any issues.

So, long story short, I personally don't believe it is the responsiblity of the agencies to prepare the parents. Bottom line, I think the foremost responsibility is on the parents and then the social worker that completes the homestudy.

[sainttj]

Our adoption agency didn't really provide much information, a few documents. Our homestudy agency provided 2 days worth of training (required in Colorado). However, 98% of it was geared towards domestic adoption... the birth triad, how the mother feels, making an adoption plan, staying in contact with the family, etc.

It was with the help of this forum (thank you Karen - FH_Angelkisses0102) that REALLY provided me with articles, links and information on the things I should work on, issues we may face (in addition to attachment, we read up on FAS/FAE, sensory issues, learning issues, etc.) I think we are doing very well on attachment (home 11 months), but I continue to read the posts and info and always keep attachment in the back of my mind.

I have talked with my homestudy agency and reccommended additional information and training specific to international adoption and they are trying to incorporate more (most of their adoptions are domestic).

[lovestruck]

I almost started a thread about what we were recently told at an adoption meeting......NOT to worry about attachment and bonding...it will happen in hours, if not hours, days. I was OUTRAGED! I kept asking questions and continued to be told not to worry.....I walked out of there thinking that at least one of those families in the meeting was going to have attachment issues or bonding issues for either the child or themselves and they were going to feel completely isolated and alone.

In honesty, this forum has prepared me more than anyone or any book ever could. The open honest heartfelt post of people living it and the wonderful supportive repsonses of others trying to help them get through. I have bought books that I would otherwise not have bought based on what I learned on this forum. All of you are the best resource anyone could have!! So please keep doing what you are doing. Thank you!!

[LilyMoon]

I don't think I was prepared enough even though I did the research and knew the possibilities. It is one thing to read the literature and hear the information. It is another thing to live it. I knew it was possible that my daughter would be upset at having two strangers take her from all she knew....but somehow I wasn't prepared to pry a screaming child off the doorknob to our hotel room and be up the entire night trying unsuccessfully to calm her down and get her to sleep!

I think as much as we prepare, it's hard to know exactly what you will be dealing with when you have your child and be really ready for it.

My agency does have prepatory workshops for those that live nearby. They now have a tape of the workshops for out of state parents but didn't when we adopted. They have attachment workshops too. They were very supportive when we came home and had language and attachment struggles. I was on the phone with them many times and they sent me tons of great resouces too. My social worker also gave us a catalog of books to look through that we could order. The social worker who does the homestudy should also prepare parents.

I do think it is part of the adoptive parents job to prepare as much as possible ahead of time. There are so many ways to find support and information from websites, support groups and forums such as this one. We have a responsibility to ourselves and our children to be as informed as possible and to continue to inform ourselves as issues crop up once we are home. I know for myself, even though we have been home for almost 3 years and my daughter is attached and doing well, I continue to look for new and better ways to parent my children. I want to continue to grow and meet the needs of my children as they grow and need me to.

[mycodybear]

My agency did absolutely nothing to inform us of anything regarding attachment, transition for the child into a family life, etc. (actually they didn't tell us much of anything about anything). All I can say is Thank God for this board. I have gotten so much great advice reading some of your stories and listening to suggestions of books and articles to read. And hearing some of the struggles you have had and how you did (or are) making your way through it. It really helped me prepare as best I could for the absolute worst, and it was a great surprise to us when things weren't as hard as we anticipated they would be. I believe the agencies should absolutely be held responsible, to a degree, for educating parents on all the facets of adopting a child internationally. If I hadn't stumbled upon this board one day, I really would have been in the dark as to what to expect when we got home. I guess that would have been naive on my part, but sometimes it's like how do you know something until someone tells you to know it? That's why I think some agencies need to do a much better job preparing parents for some of the difficulties they might face when bringing their children home.

[lovestruck]

Oh, and let me say although I've been preparing, that I don't actually know how prepared I really am because I'm not living it yet!

[Alison_inPA]

I think we were reasonably well prepared by our agencies (plural because we were "trained" in two different hosting programs) for a whole array of problems. Nothing was in-depth, but the basic ideas were introduced so that we'd know what the problems were when we encountered them. As I've said on FRUA recently, though, I wish we'd been given very specific instructions on how to deal with a panicked on tantruming older child safely. When you need this information, you need it fast and many people I know needed it from the very first day in Russia with their older children. Jim and I also did a lot of reading and discussing the issues with various people with experience in the process, so we went beyond what the agencies offered. I think it is the agencies' responsibility to start the education process, but we all bear the responsibility of completing it ourselves.

During the time I've been here, this forum has evolved into a very useful resource on attachment and PI issues, thanks to the efforts of some of you who've been in the struggle. When I first started reading here a year or so ago, that wasn't the case. People seemed very unwilling to talk about anything at all negative, and I think it contributed to an atmosphere where people who were having perfectly normal initial adjustment problems felt isolated and ashamed. I am really grateful to the people here who've helped to change that.

One reason that Jim and I decided to be open about our kids' adjustment problems in our blog is that we got a lot of "oh everything will be fine, you'll be so happy" talk from other adoptive parents (online and IRL). Later, we found out that many of these people had struggled with exactly the same issues we had but had never said anything about it. I don't blame people for not talking about the problems and sometimes, frankly, I think it's probably like labor and delivery -- eventually the memory of the pain fades and you just remember the positives. But I couldn't help but think, during the really difficult early days, that there must be something terribly wrong with our kids or our parenting because it wasn't as easy as those people had made it out to be.

[Barton]

I have been reading this Russian adoption blog for a couple of weeks now, as my wife and I are giving serious consideration to adopting from Russia. We are reading all of the articles and the books and trying to prepare ourselves.

One thing that I have a concern with on this blog is that I rarely (if ever) reading any negitive postings. I hope that everyone is doing great and that their children are adjusting well, but statistically speaking... not everyone can be doing great!

I wonder sometimes if some parents are in (for a lack of a better word) .... denial.

It seems like most people that post here are still in that "Honeymoon Period" where even though there may be some signs of some serious underlying issues, they kind of disregard those signs and pretend that everything is going to be "ok".. just because they are so happy to finally be parents and have the child home. We is completely understandable. I would be the same way if I were in their shoes.

I wish more people would be frank and honest in their assessment of their child without allowing emotion to cloud their judgement.

I would also like to see people that have adopted 1,2, or 3 years ago post on this blog and give a true assessment of where there child is at now...and see how it differs from when they first adopted.

I don't want to come off as negative... but I have a feeling that we don't always get the whole story from parents that post on this site.

I certainly understand that your love for the child can make you overlook obvious signs of serious issues.

Just some observations.

[kretzklan]

Barton -

I think that recently we have opened up much more - you are correct that many times the story that is told is the "hallmark card" version - however, some of us that are experiencing larger issues moved our discussion to another forum on these boards "adoptive parents post-adoption emotional issues"...you should take a look there as well!

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by Barton

One thing that I have a concern with on this blog is that I rarely (if ever) reading any negitive postings. I hope that everyone is doing great and that their children are adjusting well, but statistically speaking... not everyone can be doing great!

I wonder sometimes if some parents are in (for a lack of a better word) .... denial.

It seems like most people that post here are still in that "Honeymoon Period" where even though there may be some signs of some serious underlying issues, they kind of disregard those signs and pretend that everything is going to be "ok".. just because they are so happy to finally be parents and have the child home. We is completely understandable. I would be the same way if I were in their shoes.

I wish more people would be frank and honest in their assessment of their child without allowing emotion to cloud their judgement.

I would also like to see people that have adopted 1,2, or 3 years ago post on this blog and give a true assessment of where there child is at now...and see how it differs from when they first adopted.

I don't want to come off as negative... but I have a feeling that we don't always get the whole story from parents that post on this site.

I certainly understand that your love for the child can make you overlook obvious signs of serious issues.

Just some observations.

You must have never read any of my posts...hahaha! Honestly, read my story...It took us 23 long months for my son to attach and he was adopted the day after he turned 8 months. (Gee you sound like a 'plant' for me to respond to.)

Honestly...you are very correct unfortunately...most issues are simply overlooked in the beginning as 'well that is just my child' when in all actuality...there are issues...or they are still in the honeymoon period. Also, many issues do not appear until the child is about 4 or school age...this is when parents realize that there is something 'different' with their child. Also at this point many children with underlying isses with attachment will be diagnosed with everything EXCEPT atttachment disorder. However once the attachmenmt is addressed, many of the other diagnoses also go away.

I can list some of the reasons why it seems so happy here...besides the denial. Most of the people who have issues do not continue to post...they get their kids, come home and realize it ain't all fun and roses and we never hear from them again. Sometimes they post for a short time afterward and then drift away as their issues increase. I honestly get between 8 and 10 PM's from folks who do not post on the public forum, per month, who now realize that their child is attachment disordered...often times what was once simply an attachment struggle has now progressed to a full blown attachment disorder or even RAD. The parents tend to realize 'the error of their ways' and then spend many months and possibly years trying to heal their child.

Also, for some reason, there is a 'stigma' many parents feel regarding attachment...like it is a bad reflection on them...when in reality, it has nothing to do with them.. However, it becomes a bad reflection upon the parent if they choose to ignore it...which also happens...and often those adoptions end up disrupting!

Finally, come on over to 'the other side'....click on my link in my signature and read every post there...go to special needs and read there...that is the reality of adoption...for some of us...

These children are not 'normal' kids...their life experiences do not allow that...some do well, some do terrible, the rest fall somewhere in between. How many of us have experienced total loss of everything we ever knew, have been neglected, abused, hungry, thirsty, cold and sick and no one to care for us? This is what many of our kids experienced in their short lives...it stands to reason it will have some effect on them.

OK, stepping off the soapbox for now...

[GCS]

Barton,
I've been here about 2.5 years now. When I brought my children home in November of 2004 and started having real issues, I didn't feel great about posting them. Most of the others had this wonderful, Pollyanna like story to tell, and ours...well it wasn't.

But, I started posting some of our issues and low and behold, others came out of the woodwork too!
I noticed that a lot of members check out after they bring their children home. I had gained some very important information from this site and made a promise to myself that I would stay on and be available for post-adoption support (so I'm here whether you want me or not! ). I think that today you get the real story on this forum and that is important.

To answer Karen's posted question, I really think I was prepared for attachment issues. I found books recommended on this very site that I read and I spoke with our IA doctor who sent more literature. I found other websites with great articles. I did due diligence on attachment parenting. Not because anyone told me too, but because I got lucky and found out it while researching adopting a toddler. A lot of what I read was aimed at the foster system since those children are often older.

Now, if we had only gone in for an infant, I am sure that I would not have had any of that information. And that would have been tragic! I wish my agency recommended some of this reading to their clients. My social worker feels that "we worry too much about attachment issues". So she was no help.

Today we're in a good place with attachment. We've got other stuff we're working on, but attachment seems to be moving along well (fingers crossed). Where would we be if we did not attachment parent? Did we just get lucky or did our techniques and hard work pay off? We'll never really know, will we? But I am so glad I did it and plan on doing it again. It can't hurt, right?

Christina