[jaw's mom]

I think our agency did a great job preparing us. We attending waiting families meetings once a month. They had guest speakers who addressed many of these issues. They also addressed the issues in our travel preparation meeting....also guest speakers in attendance. They also had APs there who had experiences bonding issues first hand. I felt like I had knowledge to tackle the situation and places to go for help if needed. Fortunately, we didn't have a problem. I hope I will be as lucky on our second try!

[angelkisses0102]

Interesting how different the agencies prepare us...or we prepare ourselves...thanks...

[mikiment]

Interesting thread. Our agency provided what I would consider less than the bare minimum education requirements in this area.

That being said, while I think adoption agencies definitely SHOULD provide and require more in-depth preparation and it's just plain wrong not to do so, the responsibility was definitely MINE since we were the adoptive parents so I prepared accordingly. I tend to fall into the "the more you know, the more you know" camp, so I would much rather be very prepared, know a lot and not need it than vice versa.

I wanted to be thoroughly educated particularly in two areas:

1) what would be considered to be within the realm/range of "normal" behavior for infants/toddlers (we had expected one of each) at various stages of development, and

2) potential challenges, issues and syndromes of post-institutionalized (PI) children and possible symptoms as well as how to best help them.

I personally thought it was critical to be educated & aware of both what would fall into the range of "normal" infant/toddler behavior and what might constitute something "more."

WHY do this before "something happens" or you see an obvious problem later with behavior? Well of course, the earlier you recognize a problem and can get help, the better -- your odds of improvement are greatly increased. But mostly, because if you don't have a baseline level of education regarding both typical children's behavior and some of the more common issues that MAY develop with post-institutionalized (PI) kids, how will you even have a clue as to when or what to investigate or research further? You may miss some very basic markers just because as others have pointed out, You don't know what you don't know. How could you?

EXAMPLE: if your post-institutionalized child is superficially polite and very friendly, pleasing and/or affectionate to everyone right off the bat, MANY people will just think, "What a nice, polite and friendly little girl!" Your extended family will all remark upon it in a positive way, I'd bet you anything. Rather than recognizing that an indiscriminate need to please or willingness to go with ALL strangers and/or be affectionate to almost everyone is a POTENTIAL warning sign about attachment.

NO, it is not ALWAYS a problem -- some children, adopted or not, seem destined to "work the room" right from the start! However, indiscriminate friendliness IS a potential warning sign among post-institutionalized children and we all need to know that. Because that's what all our kids are: Post-Institutionalized (PI). They ARE at higher risk for some things, that’s just part of it, and not thinking so and failing to do your homework accordingly is taking an unnecessary chance with your child. That doesn't mean you have to live your life in terror, looking up every cough, mean glance, or wiggle; instead, it gives you a basic comfort level that I think can actually help you relax more as a parent since you have a better idea of what to expect and consequently feel more prepared.

Like others, I assumed if I were pregnant, we would be reading all of the "What to Expect if You Are Expecting" type books with great relish and enthusiasm, charting what was happening each step of the way. So why in the world would I do any LESS for children joining my family through adoption, particularly when I had already been able to do less to help give this child his/her best start than a biological child (ex: I couldn't control the nutritional habits of their birthmom when I could have guaranteed I wouldn't be drinking during pregnancy, I couldn't require prenatal vitamins and good prenatal health care when you know darned well I would have had it, etc.)

To me, it just seemed that not preparing adequately would be ignorant at best, and wouldn't be giving my child the best start I could under the circumstances imposed. Besides, I had already figured out that this was going to be a LOOOONNNNNGGG process, so reading books and articles to educate myself seemed like a great use of the time.

Please note: I didn't mean this to criticize anyone else, just wanted to explain what I did and my own rationale as to why I think it's important. Please, no harm, no foul!

[Ktates]

Great post Kim!!!
I totally agree - and unfortunately there is no book for "what to expect when you're adopting - the PI child"....group effort to publish one???

anyway...Our agency didn't steer us to websites or anything about attachment or PI challenges issues. When we were on trip 1 - the facilitator did tell us some things to expect with our child (usually will only attach to one parent in the beginning etc) but it didn't hold a candle to what we experienced. That is probably the one main criticism I have of my agency - my SW is great to talk to about things including attachment etc - but it would have been great to get a headsup from them.

Plus I would think if agencies/SW are on the hook for making sure they are placing children in good homes it would be in their best interst - I can't help but think that some of the abuse cases stem from a lack of preparation by parents/agency or at least pointing out decent resources you know?

This board was great for that. If it wasn't for people sharing the good, bad and ugly - I would have felt very alone those first few weeks and thought I was doing something wrong or made a mistake...
Karen

[maddensmom]

No and No for me. I was most certainly NEVER prepared for attachment issues at all. And, I kind of blame both agencies and myself.
I have and most often will stay out of most heated discussion about attachment, but I will add this... This forum was a miracle for us. I basically found out I wasn't crazy or just a terrible mother right here. I still remember that moment. It is absolutely imperative that we all continue to tell our stories. Some mother or father somewhere needs to hear it even if they don't know it yet. Never stop.
I now have a friend who is adopting and is sick of hearing me talk about it...I won't stop though. She'll thank me for it later...of that I am certain.

[Javalita]

I received a packet of info from my agency about attachment and other things to consider/read about. I ignored it and focused on what was important to me at the time - getting that paperwork done!

Then I started to read some attachment books on my own, based on recommendations here and on FRUA. I read them, I thought I knew what I was getting into, but really I knew nothing. I did a lot of good things the first few months home, but also made some pretty big mistakes.

I'm not sure I could have really been ready though. Becoming a mother was a pretty big shock and change. I was in shock and was just doing what needed to be done the first few months. After around 4-5 months home I really got clear headed and was able to take a step back and figure out what was really going on.

It is a big life change! For me, I needed the time to be a mother before I could focus and think about the attachment with a clear head.

[ATHiker]

I wanted to interject here with my experience thus far. Of course, I don't have ANY children home yet.... but I read EVERY SINGLE post about attachment and bonding and have made it my mission to become as educated about it as I can be.

I expect our experience will be much like Javalita's. The initial HUGE adjustment to having children in our home, then being able to focus in depth on good attachment parenting. We plan to do our best, but I'm sure we'll make plenty of mistakes along the way.

Our initial agency did not give us any info beyond the "they just need love and something to eat" garbage. Our new agency did address some issues briefly, but nothing in detail. The caseworker that did our homestudy was so woefully ignorant of attachment issues...it was painful.

DH and I talk frequently about "The Attitude" and how to maintain it. We discuss different consequences and how we might handle certain situations. We've talked about maintaining consistency and routine...all based on advice given here by dedicated posters.

Karen (Angelkisses)... you have no idea how much you've affected my outlook on parenting these kids. We use your name frequently in our home... as in "Karen said..." I wanted you to know that you ARE making a difference. There are lots of us out there listening.

I hope the confusion and upset of the last week will start to settle down and we can get back to the business of giving/receiving information and support.

Big Hugs to all!!!!

[Kendal]

I would say with our first adoption, I was both unprepared and our agency did not do very much to prepare us.

It was not until we got home with our girls that I started doing some reading. One of our twins was really having some attachment issues. It was then we sought some help. Not really through our agency, but with books, etc. I remember reading The Toddler Adoption quite a while after getting home and thinking, "Oh, I wish I had read this BEFORE we adopted our girls". I made HUGE errors in judgement the first year we were home with the girls. I think I also suffered from Post Adoption Depression, but did not really admit to myself until I was coming out the otherside.

Fast forward 4 years, and I was much better prepared for our second adoption. From both our agency (same agency), and myself. The bonding process was so much smoother. But I will say our son's background was a much simpler one.

I think it is the responsiblity of all adoptive parents to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[tchr_678]

Our agency really did nothing to prepare us. They encouraged us to take online classes, which we did, but that was it. I mean .. I don't think they really ever even mentioned much to do with it. Everything I learned, I learned from here, the internet, and the books. In some ways, for me, I was glad the agency did cram it down my throat. I am .. what my family likes to call ... a worry wart. I read something and immediately believe the worse case scenario is going to happen to me. So, in my readings, I created these horror stories and started to get paranoid about every little things. I saw myself starting to LOOK for things to fear. This side of the spectrum isnt' good either. Living in denial is bad, but so is creating problems. So, for me, I educated myself in the way I needed too. But, my agency did nothing.

And the classes I took -- they were pretty much a waste of time. I really didn't gain much from them. They were scenario type questions. I just didn't gain a lot.