[DebiP]

I feel that our agency prepared us quite well. We have taken numerous courses and gone to many seminars. As well as reading what seems like a library full of books. I don't think it is possible to fully prepare you for every situation but I think that our agency has done a better then good job but certianly not great.

There is a post about the 'hallmark card veiws and the pollyanna picture.' I agree that there are those types of posts here HOWEVER, there are some of us who are truly living that "hallmark card moment" whose children come home and sleep through the night and nap well and eat well and rarely cry and show proper affection not to mention all of the problems that you could see in an International or Domestic adoption. I think that we deserve to post our posts and have our say too even though it is rather polly anna like. That is not to say that our children will not have issues down the road but I can speak for myself that at home 4 months we have not had those issues arise.

I also agree with Karen (angelkisses) that you need to read her posts and hear her story because she has been and continues to be a trooper and advocate for those 'problems'. I also agree with her that some people join here for the inforamtion then leave though I am not sure it is beacuse of having problems with their child that they don't wish to share. I think some people come and get what they need and leave. They have not made 'friends' with others here and don't have a strong connection. Others come and sit silent and learn. The message boards are good that way, you can learn and experience through others but not say a word. I know for a long time that is what I did.


and in the end people will always post just as much as they want....full story or not.
AS ALWAYS JMHO

[GCS]

Debi
Please re-read my post. I never said that the positive posts were a problem. I post many of them myself.

What I said was, there was a time when problems after adoption weren't really addressed here. That is no longer the case.

We share all. The good (and there is a lot of that) the not so good, and the heartache. I really believe this forum has grown into a very valuable resource.

I adopted two children, one of which I have had an extremely easy adjustment with and one of which I did not. It is as important to post the "how wonderfuls" as it is to post the "I need help". This gives PAPs a better view of what to realistically expect. They see how many had easy adjustments, how many did not and why. All the posts are important.

Christina

[karenjoe]

Alison - Just wanted to say "YESYESYES!!" There was quite a while I could not understand why everyone said things like "She/He has been a joy since the day we got her/him. We are so happy and so lucky....." when my experience was so different! It has been hard, but rewarding. We are still at "hard" but I am hopeful that things will be better.


As for the original discussion, our agency did not really prepare us and our homestudy agency - well let's not go there. I did do a LOT of research and reading on my own, but as many have said here it doesn't completely prepare you for the real thing. And honestly, our daughter is not having very bad issues. I'd call them average PI child issues.

[Beaglepup]

Our agency required the Adoption Prep class which my social worker taught. She was very frank in that class and I felt prepared. Actually at the time I probably felt like she told about the negatives a little too much. Although she always said that these were "possibilities to be prepared for" and that we may experience some or none of them.

The agency also required 30 credit hours of adoption education which helped me greatly. We have been doing attachment parenting, probably not as diligently as we planned on, but we've had a pretty easy time of it. Not perfect by any means, but it was nothing like what the social worker described to us in the beginning.

My agency has been really great about being there for us after the adoption as well. I think them preparing us and being there for us afterwards is their strongest point.

[sickmeig]

after being around american children for 23 years, in the inner city classroom, i can say that american children are some of the most disturbed children around. many put up for adoption are crack/met babies. there is no test, or formal diagnosis, but i can say they do not have a normal conscience, do not respond to rewards and punishments, and have irreversable mental incapacities. adoption is a leap of faith, so is having a biological child. that's why i put it in god's hands and asked god to choose the child for me. i like the security of knowing that once the IA child was home, it was unlikely there would be contact from relatives. i think that would be an added stress to relationships. plus once you reach 40 in america-good luck getting a child under age 5.

[SingleMama2B]

Great Post/question!

Personally, I was told about 2 statements by the agency rep. and then I researched like crazy on my own. In fact, everyone was laughing at me. "Oh, there she goes again, researching, has to know everything, blah, blah, blah." Sure, this is just my personality, but I had heard some things before, and wanted to learn about it.

I did sit quietly one night.... no TV, no radio, and seriously asked my self..... what if she has this, or this, or this, or this???? I truly went the gambit.... medical (internal) issues, RAD, etc. Do you know, the one that I did NOT read up on alot, was FAS(E), and that is what my DD has!!! So, my sit down conversation with myself, ended with.... I will handle anything that comes OUR way. Thinking that if I would have been able to have a child, there would be NO guarentee either!!! This child needs a Mom, and I am that Mom! She loves hearing how I had to search the world, and it took 8 years to find her, but I DID!!!!

The only reason that I wish(ed) that my agency did more (educational wise), was to have the information more readily available.

I truly believe that people / couples need to SERIOUSLY think of EVERY scenerio. MY belief is, that if a child has been in the Russian system for a period of time, they will ALL have some sort of issues. How could they NOT???? I had made the committment to myself and most of all, my DD..... After being home 11 months, and learning of the FAS, etc. We just went into ACTION.... She has some of the best and sweetest specialists working with her, the school is finally coming around, etc.

I think (no flames here please, just my opinion), that some (not ALL) people, have visions of the "Perfect" child, etc., when NONE OF US are perfect!!!

Being a single mom now for 14+ months, I would not have changed ANYTHING. Sure it is hard at times, but I SOOOO APPRECIATE EVERY MINUTE!

Hopefully these thoughts make some sort of sense!

[Kasey]

[quote=SingleMama2B]I think (no flames here please, just my opinion), that some (not ALL) people, have visions of the "Perfect" child, etc., when NONE OF US are perfect!!!
QUOTE]

I totally agree with this, I remember this conversation years ago, when DH's cousin was adopting from Kaz, her hubby said one night at dinner, it is hard because you always have envision of the perfect child, the perfect family, especially when it costs over 30k to get that family, you almost wish they would come with a perfect (nothing bad will ever happen to me) sticker on the forehead. While it sounded blunt at the time, he was very honest. We all want our children to be perfectly healthy, but we all need to realize life isn't pefect, bad things happen, health issues happen and we just have to deal with them the best we can as we go along--that is what being a parent is about.

[SingleMama2B]

Originally Posted by Barton

One thing that I have a concern with on this blog is that I rarely (if ever) reading any negitive postings. I hope that everyone is doing great and that their children are adjusting well, but statistically speaking... not everyone can be doing great!

First of all - Welcome "Barton"....

I would seriously continue to read, and go back for several months.... There are alot of very "Frank" posts about the different issues that our children face!

Sure the Honeymoon period is nice, but the daily (even the struggling) routine for our children is also nice (but sometimes hard)!!

We ask questions of others here on the Board that have walked ahead of us in this wonderful journey/life. After being home for 11 Months, I learn that my DD (9 years old) has FAS, microcephaly, and more. I openly posted, and asked for suggestions in the next steps concerning school issues, puberty issues with FAS, specialists, etc. These posts are ALL here, you just need to continue to read.

You will find some of the NICEST people here. You will find families that have adopted 6+ years ago, to the 'newbies' just starting their journeys. I continue to come to this board, in hopes of helping some AP, and of course learning myself.

Again, Welcome Barton, and I hope that you continue to come here!

[Lorraine123]

after being around american children for 23 years, in the inner city classroom, i can say that american children are some of the most disturbed children around. many put up for adoption are crack/met babies. there is no test, or formal diagnosis, but i can say they do not have a normal conscience, do not respond to rewards and punishments, and have irreversable mental incapacities.

I am very offended by this post. I have three "american children" and what you have said about them is very judgemental and hurtful. I realy hope your "unamerican" children do not have issues, because you obviously would not accept them. You are cruel.

[Kasey]

Originally Posted by sickmeig

after being around american children for 23 years, in the inner city classroom, i can say that american children are some of the most disturbed children around. many put up for adoption are crack/met babies. there is no test, or formal diagnosis, but i can say they do not have a normal conscience, do not respond to rewards and punishments, and have irreversable mental incapacities. adoption is a leap of faith, so is having a biological child. that's why i put it in god's hands and asked god to choose the child for me. i like the security of knowing that once the IA child was home, it was unlikely there would be contact from relatives. i think that would be an added stress to relationships. plus once you reach 40 in america-good luck getting a child under age 5.

Definitely a huge generalization--goes along the lines of someone saying all kids from Russia will have FAS and lots of problems.
Kids can have problems no matter where they are from, what their background is--so blanket statments like that definitely come off the wrong way.
Also don't be surprised once home if you wish you had some contact with your child's birthfamily--I know I do, i wish my son was able to have a relationship with his siblings, I wish we hadmore family info. I am actually in the process of trying to make contact with his bmom.

[momtobe06]

We were required to take online courses- with eyes wide open and the journey of attachment- we were also given book recommendations during our wait. I think we were well prepared

[Barton]

I guess I need to clear up my original post. I am sure there are plenty of good stories, as well as not so good stories. However, it is pretty difficult to find many threads with the issues that you discuss above. I think there are several reasons for that.

1.) Many of the people on this board are in the process of adopting and have not actually "adopted" yet. So, their discussions are more along the lines of "How do I do this or how do I do that"

2.) People that just adopted and are in what I referred to as the "Honeymoon Period". There quite possibly could be serious issues with their child, but they are still (understandibly) on the emotional high of adopting the child, which could impair their rational assessment of the situation. I am not saying that is wrong. In fact, it is quite understandible, but as time mores on reality sets in.

3.) Like Karen said, after some time passes and some problems do come up, many of those people no longer post. It is possible they feel like they failed or something because they read so many posts of how great things are for other people. They may wonder what went wrong with my child and thus quit posting.

My only observation is that I think there is a disproportionate number of positive posts vs. negative posts. Conventional wisdom would tell us that it can't all be perfect out there.

I have read the more negative posts after Karen directed me to the correct forum and I did read those. I think those post do reflect a more accurate picture that you may see on the main board.

I appreciate all of the feedback and life experiences that everyone provides.

[Alison_inPA]

Barton, have you looked at FRUA? There is a lot of post-adoption talk there, too. This forum isn't well-designed to segregate the pre-and post-adoption people. I have come to regard this as a good thing about the forum rather than a bad one, but it certainly makes it hard to search for specific information. It doesn't help that the search engine is notoriously wonky, too.

There are post-adoption areas of these forums, too, but many of us have stayed in the Russian forum because it's "home". The other post-adoption forums don't get that much traffic, so that is barrier, too.

Many of you know that there is a new adoption forum alternative available now where many familiar names are posting. It will be interesting to see how this evolves and whether there will be a vigorous post-adoption discussion there. It takes a lot of people to sustain such a forum, but I'm hoping it will work out.

[Sally26]

Our homestudy SW gave me a whole notebook of articles. She left it with us to read. I read it and made a copy of it. I also bought books that I read in part. My dh did not. Having been a social worker in a previous life and having worked with children with problems all of my adult life, I knew what we might face. I have a good friend that poo, poos all the attachment advice, thank god she adopted two infants from Russia that don't show problems. We had minor signs for potential for problems which we took seriously and addressed. Again this forum has been invaluable and have always come here with my problems. I don't think someone with out my experience would be prepared to deal with serious issues with the training we were provided.

[marjo]

Our agency required us to go through classes with our social worker so we were prepared. Actually I think I am overly aware of things that could be wrong and am paranoid...haha. But I am glad that I didn't go into our adoption blindly.