[amyfk]

Hi to the List,

I want to know if others feel this way often. Before we signed up to adopt from Russia I went to several seminars from various adoption agencies that were visiting my area. from what I remember(though my dad who went with me remembered differently) it just seemed that you hand in your papers and BLAMMO! you fly to Moscow and pick up your kid.

I found the paperwork portion of the adoption to be frustrating and stressful at times, but It wasnt too horrible. I did a lot of papers in college, and as a person I am organized(perhaps too organized), so although Russia has recently added new paperwork, I felt I had some control to the process.

We handed in our dossier in late January. We were rising to the top of the list for a baby girl since the following summer. Our agency had started a pilot Armenia program and we were a guinea pig pilot family. While we were put on the Armenia list, we were also put on the Russia wait list. By the time our papers were in at the end of January, we were already near the top of the referral list.

Lo and behold, as some of you know, we turned down our first two referrals due to the fact that we felt that the children had medical issues that were too difficult for us PERSONALLY to handle. I never realized how emotionally tearing it could be to turn down a referral.

The more I realize it, the more I realize that lack of control in the adoption -waiting process. I just assumed that we would hand in our papers and get a referral immediately. I thought that if we turned down a referral, we would be provided with a second one immediately and so on and so forth.

We are now adding an addendum to our homestudy so that we will consider a slightly older child than 12 mo. If a few more referrals go by and we're not comfortable, then maybe we will accept a boy(we wanted a girl originally). I have no clue as to the age of the child, the health of the child, the region of the child, and when we're getting the next referral.

I'm taking it one day at a time(though its not the easiest).

Can anyone else relate to how i'm feeling out there?

Thanks,
Amy K, NJ

[proudmommyof 2]

Amy-I think everyone on this board who has gone through the process can relate. That's the worst part about the waiting for referrals and court dates. Many of us are so used to being able to control what happens, and if we don't like what's happening, we can complain to someone and something will happen.


Hand over the reins, girlfriend. You're in for a long and bumpy ride. But at least you'll be riding along with others who have gone/are going through the same thing.

Hope things look up for you soon!

[mjkkbbr]

This is my third adoption but first with Russia. The two prior ones were absolutely a breeze compared to this one. (Be aware that I am overly frustrated today )

Korea - No Dossier, No apostilles, no entry visa, documents don't expire, referrals are pretty steady and through forums you can figure out approximately your referral date. Travel is 3-6 months from referral and you get some indicators of your standing throughout the wait. Our estimated fees at the beginnning were less than $1000 different than actual.

Russia - Twice the cost of Korea, Ever changing paperwork required for dossier, expired documents, Over $500 in apostille fees plus overnight mail(this was a shock), unknown travel with no sequence of other families' timelines. So far we are expecting to be a minimum of $5000 over our estimate.

I totally feel like we have no control over this process. I especially feel bad for the families waiting 9+ months between trips. At least we are only at 5 months right now.

[votemom]

yes, i understand very well.

[amyfk]

Thanks Ladies for your response.

I didnt even think about it, but I have heard that Korea is an established program and very straightforward. As well as China I believe. Also in most cases if a woman has a healthy pregnancy, she can usually count on giving birth within approx. 9 mo. time.

Boy I didnt realize how difficult Russian adoption is until you directly compared it to Korean adoption mkbbr. My husband wanted to adopt a caucasian child, so that's why we chose Russia. I knew it woudl be bumpy, but I didnt know how bumpy.

Mjkkbbr, I hope that you get your travel/court date soon. Please let us know when you do. Thanks ladies for letting me know I'm not the only one here feeling this way. I dont consider myself to be a control freak, but I do like a level of control in my life and knowing things will/will not happen, and this one is a hard one.

Thanks for sharing, If you can get through a Russian adoption, I think you can get through anything.

Amy K, NJ

[kizibits]

I was just sitting here thinking that very same thing! I'm a control freak to begin with, so I get very stressed when I feel that things are completely out of my hands. Waiting for a referral is turning into an extremely painful experience in that sense. I do everything I can to stay busy--I'm finishing up an MBA (I graduate in April--hurray!) and work full time. I'm keeping up a social life (a little dating and lots of movie nights with my friends) and I'm doing things around the house to prepare for the baby, but, SHEESH! is it a tough time! And Fridays afternoons are especially rough as I realize I can't expect to get the call until Monday instead of hopefully "tomorrow".

It's so hard to share these feelings of frustrations with friends who haven't gone through it and can't begin to imagine what it's like. Thank goodness for this forum!

[lakimnafite]

Oh boy, do I understand. Just check out my timeline! 2 1/2 years, still no child - absolutely no control!

[amyfk]

HI Everyone,

Thanks for posting. Jeana and Lakinmafite, I hope things go smoothly for you and SOON. I understand. I guess that's the beauty of these boards, we all have been there.

Amy K NJ

[Aphi86]

Amy, I second proudmommy in that many of us complain at poor customer service! We have been at this for 20 months now. I often joke with my cw that she should be a drug counselor because she has strung me along through all of this one day at a time. And, really that is how I am looking at waiting on the confirmation of a court date. I just gotta get through today!

[amyfk]

(((Aphi))))

Believe me, although Im not at the point for a court date, I understand how tough the waiting is. Take care of yourself, and youre right, it's a one day at a time process.

Wish you the best,
Amy K NJ

[tbristow]

Being the control freak that I am....yes, I could definitely relate when I was going through the process.

[amyfk]

HI Tbristow,

thanks for sharing. I have a question for you. What kind of things did you do in order to feel like you would just let things happen as they do? Im trying to keep busy with friends and go to work, but it's still a stressful time.

Thanks,
Amy K NJ

[Abdulina]

Amy,

We've all been here before. It is tough. There are 3 rules we follow for every adoption we've done.

1) Be flexible.
2) ALWAYS expect the unexpected.
3) You are NEVER in control.

They sound simple, but they are truly hard to follow. It is easy to for others to say oh, wait your turn or your day will come or oh,it's so worth it in the end. There were days, sorry folks, that I just wanted to hit those people over the head with a frying pan so they'd wake up to reality. We never waited nearly as long as many of you folks. But the lies and deceptions and that on and off rollercoaster ride to get to STavropol was nearly gut wrenching. And it was only 10 months long(we had hosted them). Every holiday would go by, and be even more saddened by it all. I can say don't give up. Your day will come and you will be the one to encourage and support others. I will say get away. Get away from the adoption forums for awhile, even if just for a few days. Don't talk about adoption at home. Go do some normal stuff. Go see a good movie or go to a restaurant but the adoption talk is off the table as a rule. Don't forget about your life when you go through this process or it will wear you down. You don't want to be worn down for your child. We all can truly relate to what you are saying. For me, even a little shopping was a pick me up. Nothing expensive but for some reason, even something little on the real lows for me helped. Decorating but NOT for my kids' rooms. Do something for you and take the focus off the child to be. That may sound terrible but it's not. Don't lose sight of your self in this process. It is way too easy to do. There will be so much time to devote to your child once they are home. Life will go on. When the child is home, you will then wonder why you were obsessing so much over getting the adoption done. It will become natural to enjoy your child. If you obsess now, a little resentment may come into play and you definitely do not want that to happen. We are beginning to start the process for our 6th adoption. Starting slowly. Is paperwork a rush priority for us this time...not at all. We will do it when we have the time and not neglect our other children or ourselves. Believe it or not, alot of these "deadlines" the agencies set are arbitrary. That's right. I've done several "rush" documents that had to be there that day, yet only a few days later to be ask to add something to it before it is sent over. Urghh. Unless you are boarding the plane the next day for Moscow, paper can wait. Now Im not talking forever here folks, just don't get into an accident rushing to the SOS office for an apostille. They will be open the next morning. I've learned these lessons the hard way.

Bottom line Amy, adoption is a slow and tough process. You have made it this far ands you can make it a little longer. You child is waiting for you to bring them home. But the timing has to be right. For a cliche...Good things come to those who wait. This is so true in adoption. My heart goes out to you for we've all been where you are....questioning yourself and this process. yes, it is worth it. Best wishes on your continued adoptin journey.

Good night everyone.

[amyfk]

Wow Stephanie,

Thanks so much. So well said and so on target. I will try to print out your post because it's some of the best advice Ive had in ages. I can totally say I agree with all of what youre saying. I also, honestly have become a bit obsessed and I think I will take a few days' off the boards. It's become a bit compulsive in fact. I am also thinking that if we dont travel soon that maybe my spouse and I will take a long weekend away. We accumulated a free flight domestically through our credit card. After we adopt we're going nowhere.

Thanks very much, and best of luck to you with your adoption.

Amy K NJ

[toria]

I am not sure how long you have been waiting and i do understand completely that the wait is miserable. It seems as if you only recently sent in your paperwork and already got two referrals? When you are in the process, every minute that goes by is too long of a wait i realize. But looking now from the outside in, it seems as if your timeline is going ok. ??? If i am wrong, i'm sorry. The reason i am responding is because i was sad to see you were going to change your criteria. (age, sex) It is tempting because you want your child and you want him/her NOW !!!!!!!!!! And anything to make it happen faster is tempting. But..... I think you deserve what you are wishing for . Maybe let a little more time go by before you change things??? Just my thought. I wish you well, i know it is extremely hard and emotional !!!!!!!!!!!!!