[mycodybear]

I guess I should consider myself lucky going just over a year without any sort of negative, rude or offensive comment in regards to our adoption. But then yesterday- BOOM!- my lucky streak was broken. Three days before we leave to go get our son I decide I need to get my hair done. So yesterday I walk into some random salon and get an appointment with some girl I have never seen before. As she starts putting the color on my hair she asks what I do for a living. I tell her I'll have a new career as a mom in just one week and explain to her that we are adopting a little boy from Russia. "Oh, that's so cool" she says. Then she starts asking questions and before I know it- POW! Here is verbatim what she asked- oh, and did I forget to mention this hairdresser is 7 months pregnant- okay, so she says "Did you have to buy everything yourself or did you register for gifts like a REAL MOM". I just sort of sat there dumbfounded. Finally I told her I will be a REAL MOM. Then she back peddals and says "Oh, I didn't mean real, I just meant like pregnant moms do". The kicker was I couldn't really go off on her since she was in the middle of doing my hair and I didn't want to leave the salon looking like Courtney Love. And I really didn't feel the need to explain any further since I could tell she wasn't so smart as to "get it", so I stopped conversation and would only give short answers to anything she asked. I guess since I went so long with only positive comments, this caught me off guard- especially since she was pregnant. It made me feel like she was calling me a fake mom because I wouldn't be giving birth like her. I'm sure she didn't mean any harm, but sometimes people are just clueless!

[angelkisses0102]

I'm sure she didn't mean any harm, but sometimes people are just clueless!

Bingo...you win the prize... just keep that in mind!

I am sorry you had to hear it...but get used to it... ...and be prepared with your answers...

Now forget about her and get ready to go get that baby boy!!!

[Beaglepup]

Our sitter actually asked me early on if I knew much about my daughter's "real mom." She did not mean it bad, as I don't think she's familiar with adoption. But I really felt like I was punched in the stomach. It took me by surprise. I just nicely said, "Well, we know her BIRTH mom..." I could tell she felt horrible, but hopefully from here on out she'll realize that's not the appropriate or accurate thing to say.

I still have comments made by my friends and even my daughter's Godmother that take me aback. LIttle things that they do not mean the way they come out.

I'm sorry you had to hear it, but don't let it take the wind out of your sails. You ARE a REAL mom!! If going thru this process doesn't make you a real mom I don't know what does!!

Congrats on going to get your baby!!

[Kendal]

Whenever anyone asks me if I know anything about my kids "real mom" I always say, "She's HOT and she has a wicked sense of humor".

[Katie63011]

Kendal, great response, I'll have to try that one!

[misshawna]

I still get the real Mom comments and questions, even from friends, and we have been home almost a year. It still irks me. I don't know if I will ever get used to it!

Shawna

[karenmarq]

Before I was into the adoption thing, I used the term "real mom" so I don't think I would be so offended.

Also, it is turning out that we DO have to buy everything ourselves ahead of time. The process has dragged on so long that people have seemed real reluctant to have a shower for us.

Not really such a stupid question.

Karen

[Vicki H]

Wow! I don't even know what to say to that one. Kudos to you for handling the situation so well.


Vicki

[waitinginnj]

As adoptive parents we need to read into people's intentions a bit. I don't think that most people are trying to hurt our feelings or offend us, they don't understand the politically correct terminology. You said that she was pregnant. Was she simply asking if you filled out a registry so that you could compare who picked with high chair etc?

You know that you are your child's real mom. Your child will know it too.

Don't let anyone sap the joy out of the exciting trip that you are going on and the wonderful thing that is happening in your family.

[another2]

Unfortunately, adoptive mothers have to grow thick skins to deal with all the "thick-skulled" people out there. Just yesterday, I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier asked me if all 4 children were mine. I said "yes" and didn't think much about it until she said "you had twins twice?" I then said that we adopted two sets twice -- to which she responded, "that's what I meant about whether they were yours." I again repeated they ARE mine.
Even my pregnant SIL made a comment to me about how she will breastfeed and would never consider giving her baby formula in a bottle. Like I had a choice!!!

Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and bear it or you might get arrested for assault!!

KT

[proudmommyof 2]

I think what bothered me about the comment was this: I've been asked about my kids' "real moms" before, to which I just reply that I am their real mom. What bothered me about your hairdresser's comment was that the question wasn't about a birthmom, it was whether or not you'd be a "real mom" to anyone.


I do let things roll off of my back, but I don't understand why we have to be sensitive to everyone else, but just take it as ignorance when someone says something to us. What if you would have said to your hairdresser, "Wow, you look really FAT!"? You wouldn't, because that's taboo. We all have to be politically correct enough to know what racial groups prefer to be called, how to address people in different situations in their lives, etc. I think that we should expect the same.

Maybe by the time our kids are grown, adoption will be more commonplace and everyone will know the PC words? We've come a long way-my grandma is still from the generation that she thinks it's a shame my kids don't see their "real mom", and thinks it's great that I'm raising "someone else's kids", like I'm doing it to help them out. But she's 85, so what can you do?

You handled it well. I don't think you'll let it get to you.

[SingleMama2B]

Yep.... People in general are "Clueless" when it comes to adoption!!! Don't let these comments get to you. Most of the time, people don't think before they speak... this is NOT a conversation that they alot of PRACTICE with. I basically take an "Education" stance, especially when they start talking "DUMB"

My sister had a "Mom-to-Be" Shower for me! It was a TOTAL surprise (3 months prior to DD coming home). I didn't know this type of shower exsisted.... They had pictures of DD all around the party area of the house, co-workers, family, friends, neighbors all came. DD was all set for everything for the first year (as she is still growing at a slow steady pace).

Sooooo, don't take these "DUMB" questions / statements to heart.... You need your energy for your little boy when you get HOME!!!!

[mycodybear]

Originally Posted by proudmommyof 2

I think what bothered me about the comment was this: I've been asked about my kids' "real moms" before, to which I just reply that I am their real mom. What bothered me about your hairdresser's comment was that the question wasn't about a birthmom, it was whether or not you'd be a "real mom" to anyone.

Proudmommy- That is what bothered me about it too. Not that the comment of "real mom" when referring to a birth mother is okay, but it is more understandable when dealing with people not familiar with adoption. But what really struck me was the fact that her comment made it sound like I wouldn't be a mom at all. I haven't let it bother me much, but I guess I was just totally caught off guard.

Thanks for everyone's words and support- I've got MUCH, MUCH better things to worry about now!!

[Jim_in_PA]

I distinctly think that the comment, while "inapporpriate" was rendered completely innocently in this case. I'd let it slide...and chalk it up to be an opportunity to educate a young woman that there is more than one way to form a family...a real one.

[Jensboys]

Even my pregnant SIL made a comment to me about how she will breastfeed and would never consider giving her baby formula in a bottle.

Just so you know -- lol -- this comment is VERY liable to come back and bite her in the butt!!


Back to the original poster -- you are going to have to get used to such comments. Yes they sting, but most people dont seem to WANT to be ignorant (some do however!). Yesterday the grocery clerk made some comment to my kids that "they sure were helpful for this nice lady" (meaning me!). I simply said "well I am their mom so obeying is pretty much a requirement".