[Beaglepup]

Ok, I know these comments were not made to me personally, but I'm so mad!!

A little background: I live in NC and there is a radio program that has a sheriff come on weekly [i think] and they do a sort of "NC's most wanted" type of thing where the sherriff explains who they are looking for and listeners can call in if they know the wanted person, etc. You get the idea.

This morning they were talking about a case where a mother had 7 kids, 6 of whom were adopted [or could have been fostered, they didn't state for sure on the program]. The lady beat her 4 yr old so badly that he passed away. I think this is horrible.

But here's the comments that got me so upset. The DJ stated in an outraged manner, something to the effect of, "first of all, why would someone be allowed to adopt 6 kids..." Now, I have one daughter and don't think I could manage 6 kids, but some people can and do.

My issue is that I'm a good mom and if I could have kids biologically, no one would tell me I couldn't have 6 kids if I wanted them. Why should someone say a good parent can't have 6 kids thru adoption if they can support them financially, emotionally, etc?

Then, and here's the kicker....they were questioning why they would have the 6 kids. I guess why they wanted to adopt 6? The sherriff said that sometimes people do it for the money! Granted, I don't know much about domestic adoption or fostering, but I cannot imagine that you receive enough money to actually care for the child and yourself, etc. That is, I can't see you get enough to "do it for the money." Maybe for some there is that false perception. Once they are adopted you don't get money do you?

It was the tone that all this was said in that made it worse. I tried to call in to complain but couldn't get thru so I'm going to email them. I ended up crying the whole way home!

There are ignorant people that try to make you feel like less of a parent because your child is not biologically yours. This is one of those times that I felt a personal sucker punch as though they were doubting my relationship with my daughter.

Anyway, this is so long and I'm sorry for that. Any advice on what to write them?

Here's what I have so far:
-point out that the sherriff should not make ignorant comments like that when representing the department [or anytime!].
-point out the financial aspect
-point out the fact about someone having 6 bio kids being ok, but I can't?
-the DJ has kids. mention that I hope his comments are his "radio personality" talking and that he raises his children to respect all types of families.
-point out that kids that were adopted or fostered could be listening and what message does that send them about their families?

Thanks,
Beth

[JackandJane]

In Illinois adopting a special needs child would get you health care for the child and some stipence towards raising them. Special needs could just be adopting an older child not necessarily a child with a mental are physical disability. But other than that I cant see how adopting would be a way to make money.

[Kasey]

My aunt works for DHS here, she said she has freuqently run into and had to deal with foster families in it for the money, thankfully they seem to figure them out pretty quickly though when they get to see some lavish purchases in the home and the children are not thriving. Here as well even after adoption if the child has some sort of need (physical, emotional, learning or hard to place) you get a subsidy I believe through 18 years of age.
Unfortunately there are just downright bad people in this world, people who try to take advantage of the system and others to benefit themselves, and they in turn give others in it for the right reasons a bad rap!

[Shoshana]

I like your points so far!

Why don't you cross-post this (just cut & paste) on the Foster Parent forum? I'm sure they'd be outraged as they are ALL committed to raising their foster children and foster-adopt children -- I think the stereotype of "being in it for the $$ and taking advantage of the system" is just that -- a stereotype which is based on a very small percentage of the people who are committed to fostering.

[angelkisses0102]

grrrrrrrr.....gotta think on this one.... stupid people ...ignorant people

[kimber413]

Sad to say, but some people do take the kids in for the money. The foster care system in some states gives large monthly stipends for the care of the children, and unfortunately some folks use that for an income and spend it on themselves instead of the kids. My niece is an SW for the state where she lives, and she does see this happen, albeit rarely. But most foster parents are in it because they love kids, period.

Of course that doesn't mean this person did that, and the radio host should be corrected about his comment about people being allowed to adopt that many kids. Some folks have enough love, patience, and income to do that, and as you said, if they were physically having them you probably wouldn't hear a comment like that.

Call in! Give 'em you-know-what.

[cathvash]

I think it may be a matter of perspective... You and I are surrounded by (and ARE) loving, caring adoptive parents. The Sheriff deals every day, all day, with people of less than noble intentions. He gets called to the houses where the children are not faring well, and where unfortunately, there may be people who are "making a living" by caring for a number of foster kids. Our perspective is more accurrate - we represent the majority of loving adoptive and foster parents, and see the beauty in the forest. But he spends his life looking under the rocks.

[mjkkbbr]

As a parent of 6 kids (3 by birth, 3 by adoption) I do take offense to the comment also. In my home state the foster stipend is only about $15 per day. That is definately not enough to be in it for the money. Some special needs kids do get extra $ even after the adoption to encourage people to adopt but they often have more costs involved in their daily care.


I must say that ignorant comments such as this do not represent the majority of families built through adoption. "Educating" the offender is not very helpful but worth the try anyways.

[Abdulina]

Beth,

I'm from Johnston County where this happened and am very familiar with the case. There were 7 kids total, 6 adopted. 4 were a sib set adopted at the same time. I can't name the one agency she went through on here but it's on the news. What got me upset is she abused BEFORE she adopted the 4yo recently. It is a sad and tragic case if you read all the details. And yes, you do continue to get a state subsidy until they are 18. It is not much though, just a couple hundred a month. And unfortunately, the VERY FEW that adopt for the money seem to be the ones the media will pick out. It is b/c if it is not done out of love, then of course the aodption is going to fail. You don't adopt for the money but some select few do. The followup on the family was slack and DSS is holding a press conference here today on the topic---they have a lot to answer for. I do believe some were from the foster system.

Unfortunately, when people get to talking about subjects like this and this type of abuse, they don't think too much about what comes out fo their mouth and how it may offend others. I jsut have learned to take things w/ a grain of salt and not let some of the ignorannt stuff get to me. Sad part of this case is now the bio parents want the kids back. These kids are going to be so shuffled around they are going to need serious therapy to figure out which way is up. It is sad for everyone involved. We have thought of fostering ourselves--even have the application---just don't think we could do it.

Never really liked the Sheriff here anyways--LOL. I just am really concerned about what is going to happen to the children after this is over. There are details of the case in the paper. Search online and you'll be able to find even more. It is truly disturbing. For those who don't know or live in NC, she beat her recently adopted 4yo son w/ a PVC pipe. She had a history of abuse before yet the adoption was allowed to happen. Can we say MAJOR SYSTEM FAILURE ??? I do think adoptive parents need to run DSS. I think it would help to be on the lookout more. We know what to expect when they come home and how to adjust.

Let me know if you find anything out.

[amyfk]

HI Beth

I hope you are feeling better. Yes, folks can make some insensitive comments in person and I guess on the radio.

I dont live in your homestate of NC but I read the news, listen to the radio, etc. I hear a lot about the cases of the abuses of adopted children/foster children etc.

I wonder if a lot of it has to do with the fact that unfortunately the foster system in many states needs major improvement. I live in NJ and within the past five years we've had some high profile abuse/death cases in the foster system. So our NJ DYFS has come under a lot of heat.

Yes, it does seem that we hear a lot about why folks adopt so many kids. Sometimes though, I read between the lines. I live in the NYC metro area, and it seems like almost every other day you hear of a sad tragic child abuse/death story. The other day some sick man killed his wife, then himself, and the kid was there in the house, in the bathroom before the police came. This kid was not adopted. Listening to the NYC media I hear of many cases of abuse of kids who were not adopted. They just for some reason state facts when a child is adopted. I"m not sure why.

In some cases I think folks shouldnt be able to adopt. In some cases, I think folks shouldnt have any/more biological kids. Some folks arent fit to be parents no matter which way you slice it or no matter how they become a family. I guess the reason we hear more about the adoptive cases is because many of the foster systems are already under heat and because we know what kind of requirements that folks have to pass in order to adoptive/foster parent. Biologically some folks should probably have their tubes tied as they are not fit to parent, but because we have certain civil rights in this country, nobody can stop someone from conceiving a child.

As for the DJ, I wouldnt take him too seriously. I dont know the details of the case down in NC, but he just seems like an ignorant guy. If It makes you feel better to write in a letter to the station, then you should do it. I'm sure yours won't be the only letter he's receiving.

Amy K, NJ

[srspiv]

I live in Durham, NC and this particular DJ has a history of ignorant comments on adoption and other issues.

He once stated that parents don't love their adopted children as much as biological ones (while my son was in the car, luckily he was too young to understand). He also recently stated that people who can't have biological children (without fertility treatment) are selfish to want children and should get a dog. WHAT??!!??

You just can't avoid ignorant people but it's a shame when they end up on a public forum!

[JoEvans]

Beth,

That wasn't the Bob and Sheri show was it? I live in NC too. But I HATE talk shows early in the AM. So I listen to a cassette tape or cd. I used to listen to Bob and Sheri all the time. Then one day, they said something that hit a bad nerve. I haven't listened to them since.

Needless to say, that is not the only talk show I hated. Howard Stern was TERRIBLE!

BTW, , just thought you could use that.