[k8c]

Hello, all.

I'm brand new to the forum. I'm 36 and still single (never thought that would be the case...) and am just about ready to dive in. I'd love to hear from any singles who have adopted. I'm particularly concerned about attachment issues after I go back to work. (How will I EVER be able to go back to work and leave her begind?) Currently I live in Russia and teach at an American school here.

Since junior high I've wanted to be an adoptive mom. I just thought I'd be able to stay at home and parent. While I STRONGLY feel that a mom and dad present the BEST family for a child (I'm a primary school teacher so I've seen lots of families and lots of children), I can't help thinking that me on my own would still be better than a life in an institution.

Any help, any encouragement--or even any warnings would be much appreciated.

[momm2be]

Hi...
I started my adoption process at 36 and single. I too never thought I would be single at this age, but somethings we don't control. Anyway, for most children having one parent is better than none. So there is no disservice to the child by being an only parent.

I have been home for over 1 year now with my 7 yr old daughter. While somethings have not been easy as a single parent - no last minute trips to the store, never a break, etc - other things are easier - not getting played against another parent, final word, less paperwork (ie only one set).

This is a wonderful way to build a family, though interesting that you live in Russia- would you continue to live there after the child came to you?

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I started by adoption process at 37. I have one beautiful DD and am working on #2. I have not found it to be difficult to be a single mom. And, my DD gets 95% of my attention when we are home, since I do not have a spouse that needs my attention.

Also, as my DD gets ready to enter Kindergarten next year, I am finding it harder to be a working mom. When she is in daycare, I know she is in a safe, protected environment. When school starts, there are a lot more outside influences that she will be subject to. I really want her coming home right after school!

Anyway, go for it. As long as this is something you want, the love and attention you give your child will let her blossom into a wonderful adult.

Kay

[SingleMama2B]

Welcome K8c to the board, and on your journey! I am a single professional woman that adopted my one and only child from Russia last year! I decided to adopt an older child. When I read the statistics regarding 'older children' in Russia, and the chances of them finding a "Forever Home", I was heart sick. Also reading the stats for the children once they reach the age of 16 or 18 (depending on the region, etc.) when they are told to leave the orphanage, and how many actually lived to see their 25th birthday, I knew "I" had to adopt an older child that at the age of 7.5 years old, the statistics where AGAINST her. This was the BEST DECISION of my LIFE!!!!

So, I participated in a "Summer Program" whereas, I hosted a 7.5 year old girl for 2 weeks in my home. She came along with 8 other children to NJ families with the Russian Agency facilitator, 2 Russian Inspectors, and a translator. She lived with me in my home for the 2 weeks, and I also hosted one of the Russian Inspectors for 4 days and 3 nights. I was soooooo nervous about the inspector, but then just adored her. When it was time for me to hand her over to another family, I didn't want her to leave. When she returned to Russia with the children, and ALL of my paperwork (dossier) was sent over, she submitted her 'official report' to the Moscow Court. I hosted July/August of 2004. All of my paperwork was in Russia for translation by September 21st, 2004. There where a few glitches, as an "aunt" coming out of the woodwork trying to stop the adoption, etc. She was found "Unsuitable" to adopt my DD, so my adoption continued. I received the call to come to Russia for court on December 23rd, 2004. My adoption was granted, but the 10 days where not waived. They ended at the beginning of thier 10 days of Holidays, so I traveled home. I returned in January 2005, and My DD and I arrived back on American Soil on January 25th, 2005 FOREVER!!! When I started the process, I had just turned 42 years old. Never married (engaged twice), with not children. I too, ALWAYS wanted to be happily married, and be a SAHM, but this had not worked out for me. I decided, that I wanted to be a Mom, and that I would move forward by myself.

I can HONESTLY tell you, This has been the BEST 13 Months of MY LIFE!!!! My DD has given my Life true meaning, and even on the toughest day.... I just look at her eyes, and know that I AM BLESSED!!!!

It is HARD at times, and I did NOT have the diapers, toddler days, etc., BUT having a now 9 year old, is quite challenging too. A personality already developed, having experienced some things that Adults have never witnessed, etc., and of course living in an institutional system for years. I still would not change ONE THING! I, personally have NOT had any attachment issues with my DD, but my sister and BIL adopted a little girl at the same time as I did, and the same age. She DID have attachment issues for the first 6 months. Now my darling niece is a bright, well adjusted 9 year old, and my DD and her call each other "sisters".

I will share more with you if you would like, just PM and we can chat. I cannot tell you how wonder it is to be MOM!!! There are no words in the English language to adequately describe it!!!

A in NJ

[KiraLin]

Welcome to the board! Like the other posters I didn't think I'd be single in my thirties...but I have always know that there would be children in my life one way or another. Good thing to because it took a few years to get my family to come around. My dear younger cousin got his girlfriend pregnant in HS (to their credit now in mid twenties, married, 2kids...but thats another story LOL) and I used that as an opening to say, "It was so nice of xxx to break the family taboo of having a child out of wedlock" So it was no big suprise when I started the process of adopting when I was 34. I have now been home just over 1.5 years and my daughter will be exactly 2.5 next week. I have no regrets and am so glad I didn't wait till I was any older. My daughter is so amazing. Yes it can be hard, I to was worried the most about attachment and honestly that has probably been the easiest adjustment. My little one does have some other PI issues that are tough sometimes but I absolutely believe she was meant to be mine! Please PM me if you want to know more or have any questions.
Best wishes!

[waitinginnj]

I am also a single mom. I brought my daughter home at 2 and she is now over 4. I have no regrets. I adopted at 38.

I decided to adopt a toddler - she had turned 2 one week before court. She is so much fun now at 4.

There are challenges and a support network is key. I am much more anxious about when she is school age. Daycare is reliable, once you identify a good one. However, it seems like they get off of regular school more than they go. I have another 1 1/2 years to prepare for that.

I sometimes struggle with taking time for me when I am not with her during the week. My biggest challenge is getting a haircut. A daytime weekend babysitter is hard to find and comes packaged with some guilt.

All in all, I know that my daughter is better off than she would be without me. She knows that I am commited to her. I provide her with good male role models and pray.

There are several singles on this board who will be glad to help you through your journey.

[k8c]

Thank you ALL for your encouragement and support! You make me feel like less of an anomoly.

As to whether I'll stay in Russia...I don't know. I'm here for at least another school year. Then, we'll see. I have a GREAT school in the US--good friends, good school, nursery school attached. If they have an opening, I'll return. If not...I'll stay here a while. I think. I'm ready to be HOME--wherever that may be.

Thank you, thank you for taking the time to help me.

Kate

[58grace]

I adopted at age 47 (;-( and have been home 2 months with my 13 month old girl. I am on my second day back to work. She has attached very well to me, I was off work 2 months and I think that extra time helped. She is adjusting well to daycare but still happy to see me when I come in. She wants to come to me immediately and waves bye bye to the teachers! I took her for 1/2 days for a week first to make a transition. I read a book by a comedian single mother who adopted and she said she didn't worry about attachment as some how they always know the one who is not getting paid to take care of them ;-)

So I am not an experienced single mother yet but so far so good. There are benefits as mentioned above. It helps to be very organized.

[pwnort64]

Another single mother checking in here.

I received my referral 3 days after my 40th birthday (am I REALLY that old??). I'm another one that expected to get married and have tons of babies. I first considered adoption when I was 30 but didn't have the guts to follow up on it then. When 40 started to get close, I decided if I didn't do it now, there wasn't going to be any better time.

My family and friends have all been so extremely supportive of my adoption. I agree, in a perfect world, a family unit would consist of two parents. However, I can't believe that a child would be better off in an institution than with a single parent.

Life does have it's challenges as a single parent, but nothing that cannot be overcome. The trick is to have a great support system. My friends and family beg to be able to babysit, but I am very careful to not abuse their generosity so that when I really need it, it's easier for me to ask. Besides which fact that I love being with Henry and it's hard for me to leave him. (Waiting... Henry and I get our haircuts together, unless I am getting highlights. Is that an option for you and C?)

As far as attachment, I was fortunate in that I was able to take 3 months off work. That means that Henry and I were together 24/7 for three months. At that point, he was clear who his Mama was. There were some bumps when he started in daycare, but again, nothing that could not be overcome. I trust his daycare completely and know that he is in good hands. While it is hard to be away from every day, at least I know he is being given great care and the interaction and socialization that he gets from going is fabulous.

Each child is different, but we did not experience any attachment or bonding issues.

Good luck to you on this journey of a lifetime!!

[mcanvasback]

Love this thread! I am getting ready to adopt at 48 and had to get single to do it. I never thought I would be doing it alone but, you know, I probably would have felt alone anyway since he was not on board! It really helps to know there are so many singles out there!

Please, please let's all keep in touch! Thanks!

[cathvash]

Welcome from another SAM! It's good to know someone who is actually "in" Russia, since you may run across info. we are unaware of... I also want to offer my support as you contemplate adoption. I believe that if you feel "guided", then it is meant to be!

As you can tell from the numerous posts, you are not alone! After grieving with the realization that my family would not be built in the way I had dreamed of, I also decided to adopt. As a single woman, I knew that my options for domestic adoptions would be limited to "special needs" children, and I was wise enough to realize that I didn't have the energy or resources to handle that challenge alone. Russia was an easy choice for me, since my family came from there a couple of generations back.

This journey is filled with frustration, great expense, fear, and sometimes despair, but I want you to know that for me, every tear was worth it a hundred-fold! I adopted my beautiful daughter more than 2 years ago, and she is my joy!! It is not always easy, but it is always filled with joy. Now I am starting the process again...

I hope you have a family or friends who will support you emotionally, and step in when you need a baby "break". Support comes from unexpected places. My family is not close by, and it was my boyfriend who stepped up - even traveled to Russia with me! -And it is good to have the understanding "ears" of others on this board.

Best wishes for clarity in your decision, and support for your chosen road...

[bmarsicano]

I actually started the process when I was married. Long story short, ex was doing a divorce while we were doing the home study. Had to put the adoption on hold for a while. Got my referral last May 6 and am now waiting for my court date. I'm 44 and can't wait to be a mom.

[Jim_in_PA]

k8c, I applaud you for your interest in becoming an adoptive parent! One thing...you have a bit of a unique situation as you are currently residing in Russia. You'll want to investigate what the impact of that will be on the process relative to paperwork, etc., if you continue to reside and work there. Check with one of the larger, accredited and experienced agencies about this so you can make clear plans.

[k8c]

This has been such a help and encouragement!

I have contacted both the Embassy and an accredited, experienced agency. The Embassy gave me the name of someone who does homestudies for Europeans and Americans residing abroad. The agency, whom I've only approached unofficially, has someone in Moscow this month. She is going to look into the specific logistics of my situation. We did have a Canadian couple at my school who adopted last year...

I'm encouraged by all the single, successful moms out there! You make me feel less crazy. ;> I just know my daughter is waiting for me...and you don't seem to think that's a crazy thing to know.

And, I agree--let's keep up the chat! I just figured out how to subscribe to a thread (I know--I'm such a newbie) and subscribed to this one. Maybe that's how we can keep tabs on each other?

Kate

[6furbabies]

Hello,

I am not an adoptive mom yet. I am just in the "gathering funds" stage. It took me a long time to figure out which adoption route to go, and I am actually in the process right now of becoming a certified foster parent. In the end, I really feel pulled towards Russia and although I am keeping my options open, by becoming a foster parent, I feel like adopting from Russia will probably work out best for me, personally. So, I just wanted to add my name to the list of single adoptive moms/pre-adoptive moms!