[nancyral]

My husband and I are older and have been told that the youngest child we can expect to adopt would be six years old. Does anyone out there have experience with adopting children six or older? We have been told by the agency that all adopted children are special needs children, but I am wondering what conditions at home would result in a child being removed from the home. Also, It couldn't be that the child has been up for adoption for that long, could it? I am sorry if I am asking stupid questions. Iam just looking for advice.

[momm2be]

It could be for a multitude of reasons. Some death of a parent, neglect, abuse, etc. At age 6, some kids have been in the orphanage for years, and others are new arrivals.

There really is no concrete answer or a generalization that can be applied.

My daughter was in the Orphanage less than 1 year, she came home to me at age 6.

We have had typical adjustments issues - new language, new friends, new families -- then after 15 months - some emotional issues haves surfaced that we are dealing with -- mostly due to grief and an insensitive school situation (here).

The nice things with older kids is if there are any congenital issues, it is readily more identified. However there is the possible of emotional issues due to the changes in their lives. Also the possibility of both happening or neither happening.

I think there are some clear paths that you can take to be on top of what may lie in store with any particular child -- read up on attachment in adoption, grief and abandonment issues, developmental delays. Understand what the possibilities are and realize it could happen, but mostly likely will be a mixed bag of smaller things.

I do not think there is a parent in this forum here who brought home an older child and regrets it. We love our kids and mostly feel they were meant for us.
In the end you bring them home, love them and work through any issues as they arise. I think realistically the same thing you would do for a bio child.

[mikeintexas]

I agree with what momm2be wrote in her post. We brought our daughter home a month shy of her 6th birthday. She lived in the orphanage since birth. The issues we deal with largely center on attachment and immaturity. We have not had to deal with grief like I thought we might have to although I know others on this forum will have something to say about that.

The best advice I would have is to read through the attachment books and be familiar with the issues. Don't let the books scare you...often times they use extreme cases and don't always focus on international adoption. What you will be able to do, however, is apply specific techniques to your own situation. Once you are home with the children say 5 months, you reread those books but with a whole set of experiences to apply to them.

Even though we definitely have our days, I am so proud of my daughter and what she has accomplished in 10 short months. I love her dearly.

Mike

[GCS]

There are a number of reasons a child gets brought to the orphanage at an older age. Death of a caregiver, inability to care for the child and the child being removed from the home are some reasons a child is given up later in life. Some children have been in the orphanage their whole life. Most of the MoE's will not allow a child to be adopted if anyone in the family has visited that child in recent months. I have heard of children being made available after living their whole lives in the orphanage only after a grandmother stops visiting or passes away.

Just because a child has been available 6 years and not adopted, doesn't mean that child has been passed over by PAP's. According to the last posted numbers there are approx 450,000 available children in the system - about 750,000 total. Less than 5000 are adopted a year by Americans (who adopt the most children yearly). Another 5000 are adopted by all other countries combined and less than 1% are adopted by Russians. Those adopted by Russians are usually family members or very young infants that would never be available to be adopted internationally (children must be on the registry for 6 months).

I am using past numbers here - there is a big push in Russia today to incent Russians to adopt these children. Regional papers are printing their pictures with biographies, dollars are being offered to families to help in the raising of the children, and a national database has been developed.

Definitely ask your agency to define special needs. There are many healthy older children available. You will need to read up on attachment parenting and parenting the Post Institutionalized (PI) child.

All the best and feel free to ask questions here as you are going through the process. There are so many knowledgable people on this forum!

Christina

[Jim_in_PA]

Christina is correct...there are so many reason why a child ends up in state care and it's not always from birth. Our girls, for example, were only in the Internat (boarding school) for a couple of years; one had been in the foster system and the other had been with the birth mother prior to institutionalization about three years ago. Also, feel free to read out BLOG about our adoption and post-adoption experiences. It's not atypical and I think you'll be more comfortable with the idea.

Besides...you get to skip the diaper stage! (In exchange for other fun things that happen a lot sooner...)

[kretzklan]

Us too! We recently adopted a 6 yo girl and 7 yo boy. Non-biologically related. Cole was in the home for 2.5 years and Delaney for 11 months. One had lost a parent to death...the other was a neglectful situation.

We have our good days and bad days - but we are so new to the process. The glory of seeing a smile on these kids faces and geniune happiness is unable to be measured.

Older children are a gift as well as infants...wouldn't want it any other way. And, I'm with Jim - NO diapers...!!!!

[Alison_inPA]

Besides the no diapers thing, the older kids generally know how to dress themselves, make their beds, straighten their rooms. They have senses of humor and opinions and a thousand questions about the world. They're really enjoyable kids.

Plus, they'll give you lessons in Russian profanity...whether you want them or not!

[1moretime]

I adopted my son right after he turned 7. I do not know the reason he was given up at birth. I believe that his parents rights were not terminated until he was quite a bit older. As for being termed "special needs" it is due to age. Most people want infants. Once past that age they become less likely candidates for adoption. All I know for sure is that he is the perfect child for me.

Like the above readers said, do your homework. And like someone else said, re-read this stuff after a few months at home, puts a new light on the subject.

We have only been a family for a year and a half and still deal with some attachment issues. But mostly I deal with 7-yr-old stuff.

It is scary. You hear so many negative things and all kinds of people have opinions. I understand your concern.

For me, Alex is the light of my life. I wake up each morning looking forward to that smiling face. He is a complete and utter joy.

Just because a child is older doesn't mean that they are any less lovable or enjoyable. Yes you miss the "baby stuff". But you also miss diapers, leaky bottles, and spit up. And as soon as your child comes home you can tell him/her to put their shoes on you want to go for a hike, ski, dance, etc. and they do it. You don't have to get them dress to do it and then carry them.

Take care
Nancy

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Nancy.... I am a single adoptive parent (now 43 years old). I adopted my darling daughter from the Moscow Region, and have been home FOREVER for 12 months and 9 days! When I brought her home, she was 8+ years old. She has given my life TRUE meaning, and brightens every day of my life. It is true.... they will probably have more "memories", etc. but things can be dealt with. I know alot about her past, and it is very neglectful, and heart breaking, but we are doing just fine. I just found out 4 weeks ago, that she has fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), and a few other issues. I have taken her to see wonderful specialists, etc. and she is just an amazing kid! I know that WE where meant for eachother, and have NEVER doubted it for one "NANO-SECOND"!!! Love, Knowledge, Support, Time, and oh yea.... LOVE handles all issues..... Get very well versed in all of the 'possible' areas for these wonderful children... They sooooo need a chance at a future. I would adopt again if I could afford all of the fees..... She is the LIGHT OF MY LIFE!!! Congratulations on starting your "Love Journey"!!!

[nancyral]

Thank you all so much for your replies. You are definitely easing my mind, though your stories made me cry. Do you have any specific recommendations for reading? specific books? I don't mind spending the money to buy them - compared to the rest of the costs it would be nothing!

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Nancy... You will get wonderful recommendations from the other members.... I have to admit.... I NEVER read up on ANY issues with my adoption of an older child..... I did it totally blind (and possible ignorant), but for me, that was fine. I guess being by myself, I would do anything I could to help my daughter if there where issues. I wouldn't recommend this to everyone, but this is what I did. I have reached out to a family counselor in the last 4 weeks that specializes in FAS and the family, and have learned alot..... I believe that alot of agency's have seminars, workshops, etc. that help prepare adoptive parents, etc.

[kretzklan]

Most people read "building the bonds of attachment" by Daniel Hughes. I did read books...but my real life experience has been so different from what I expected...I definitely need to read them again...in this new light!

[Alison_inPA]

Nancy, "Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older child" by Trish Maskew is a good place to start reading. It is an overview, covering both international and domestic, but it will give you some idea of the issues that may come up with older children. After that, I'd suggest Deborah Gray's "Attaching in Adoption".

In Maskew's book there is a sort of checklist of unexpected things you might encounter in adopting an older child. The idea is to help you gauge whether your expectations are realistic. For instance, if you're going to be freaked out by a child with atrocious table manners, older child adoption might not work for you. It's a really useful list to go through because once you see it all laid out item by item, it doesn't seem as overwhelming.

[taevans1]

We adopted a 10 year old girl from Vladimir. She is a bright and beautiful child that was in the orphanage for about 2 years. There are always issues to deal with.

At times it feels like we are raising a child who is 10, 5, 8, 4 years old. So much nuturing and development was missing growing up, that we are teaching her on whatever level she needs to be on.

Issues aside, our daughter has brought so much life, love, and fun to our family. All kids want love. But they also crave structure, stability, direction, and correction (even if they appear to not want it)

It is TOUGH to raise the older adopted international child, but the rewards and the love is worth it, beyond measure!

Tom

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Tom.... You are soooooo RIGHT!!!! The rewards for both of us are in-measureable!!! I cannot even remember my Life without my darling daughter in it! She has blossomed sooooo much, and she still, til this day (1 year 9 days later) says every morning.... I LOVE AMERICA and you MOM!!! It just melts my heart! I soooo agree.... STRUCTURE is huge! At first she would be lost when we had 'down time', that she was a like a caged animal. Now, I have plans all of the time.... even if it is an hour of down time, she at least knows what is coming next.