[amyfk]

HI to the Group,

Hopefully others can associate with how I'm feeling.

After 1+ yr. of trying to get all of our dossier complete. We switched countries and then back to Russia, our agency gave us a referral. The baby in the referral was adorable and even though we're adopting, my husband felt the baby looked like him a bit. I sort of had visions of adopting that kid.

Anyway, we checked with a local I.A. doctor who has a very good reputation evaluating the medical health of Russian adoptees.

Without outright telling us what to do, the gist of her feedback was that this baby has some health problems. She felt that it was highly likely that the child has FASD and she said that the baby was in one of the lowest percentiles for head circumference after birth. I think low head circumference can mean possible lack of appropriate brain development.

Anyway, today is my birthday and although I'm going out to dinner with my spouse to celebrate tonight, I feel somewhat saddened.

Due to my own medical problems we decided to adopt. If I were to have a biological baby there would have been a chance that my kid could have been born with lifelong birth defects. It was a tough time, and a veyr painful decision, but we didnt want to take the chance. Now after eagerly awaiting a child, I felt lousy to knock down an innocent child's chances of getting a home. I also think of this baby, hope she's adopted by some kind couple with mental and physical resources , and sort of feel mad at the birthmother out there who didnt take care of her health while she was pregnant. It saddens me that the child may have to pay the ultimate price because of the birthmother's negligence during pregnancy. It's one thing to decide to not take care of your own health, but to mess up the health of an innocent being really upsets me

Thanks for letting me vent,
Amy K.
NJ

[GCS]

Amy,
So sorry to hear this. I can imagine how difficult it must be to say no to a referral. Know that you are not the only one to have done this. It is a huge decision and one that you need to feel comforatble with.

All the best and a big hug to you during this time.

Good luck,
Christina

[hbmom]

Amy,
You are not alone. Others have had to say no to referrals. We had to decline our first referral. It was incredibly tough. I kept trying to find ways to say yes, to justify everything. But I knew that we were not the right parents for that child. I grieved, and still have a place in my heart for him. It's o.k. to grieve and feel yucky. It's also o.k. to look forward to another referral.
Hugs,
Michel

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Amy... so sorry about your referral. I brought my Darling Daughter home a year ago (age 8+ years old), and just recently found out that she has FAS with microcephaly (small head). It is a shock, but I am soooo glad that I have her in my life. I too was very mad at her ** for doing this to this wonderful girl. I will do everything possible for her now.

I hope that you receive another referral soon and have a wonderful Birthday celebration this evening!

[gabmom]

Amy,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Declining a referral can be a gut wrenching experience(heck, the WHOLE process is gut wrenching!)...I know it was for us, twice. I hope you find peace and a way to find joy in your Birthday.

[LilyMoon]

It's very difficult to turn down a referral. Especially hard after feeling this could have been your child. I had to do this due to the IA doc also giving a referral of ours a concerning evaluation. Fortunately, the agency did let me know that another family adopted that child...so I know she was meant to be theirs. We went on to adopt our wonderful daughter and so I feel things worked out for the best. I'm sure they will work out best for you and that little baby too. That child must be meant for another family and your child is waiting for you. Hang in there. It took us over 2 years to find our daughter and when it happened we knew she was the right one for us.

LilyMoon

[votemom]

i'm sorry.

i hope your evening out will lift your spirits a little.

[mycodybear]

Amy, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I can imagine turning down a referral is an awful feeling. Don't be hard on yourself- you must do what is right for you and your husband. There is a family out there for that child, and there will be another child (hopefully soon) that will be a perfect fit for your family. Good luck and hang in there!

[calikismet]

Hi -- turning down a referral is indeed very very hard. We did turn down a referral during our daughter's adoption, but wound up revisiting the issues with another IA doc and accepted. Her bio parents came back for her, but those steps are what led us to our perfect little one (not perfect in the classic sense -- just perfect for us! ).

One thing to keep in mind is that IA docs can only work with as much info as they have available to them. If the info is spotty, then they can only assess risk. That was the case for our son -- and the IA doc assessed him with higher risk (in large part based upon his HC -- in the end, he has just turned out to be a small kid, altho perfectly normal). My point (yes, i do have one ) is to use this as a learning experience to really figure out how much risk you and DH are willing to accept (at least before the 1st trip -- the 1st trip provides a lot of info on the child b/c you can actually meet and see her, and assess the issues first hand). If you and DH are relatively risk averse, notify your agency that you do not want a referral unless it comes with X,Y and Z info (the info that an IA doc will need to properly assess risk and make a much more educated guess). You may need to be more up front with your agency about what you can and cannot accept, so that the burden is shifted a bit off of you, and onto them (in other words, they won't place you in a situation where your only option is to decline the referral, and then feel bad again). I think that emotions in this process are very natural -- this was a child, and of course she is in your heart, even if you did turn her down (I still think about that little one whose bio parents came back). But do use the time to really talk to DH, and talk to your agency about your referral criteria so that you can, to the best of your ability, prevent you from getting another referral that is unhealthy (as YOU define that term, based upon what you can and cannot accept).

Big hugs to you. It truly is hard, and NO ONE judges you for turning down a referral. Our son was labeled higher risk by an IA doc -- but DH and I knew that was okay for us. Again, in the end, it turned out perfectly, and he is a super smart, super amazing 3 year old now. Interestingly, we were more conservative about our dauhter's referral -- maybe b/c we knew that accepting a child with major issues would impact our son, and we were not willing to do that. But in each case, we assessed and determined our risk, and our agency was on board with that.

Again, BIG HUGS!!

PS -- sorry this got so long! Blame the attorney side of me

[Vicki H]

I am so sorry, I cannot imagine how you feel. I hope you have a nice evening tonight. I hope it lifts your spirits a bit.

Vicki

[Amysue1112]

Dear Amy,
It is amazing to me....first, my name is Amy, second, I wrote a post almost identical to yours last Nov.
We too, are adopting because I have medical problems (along with being born with a significant facial deformity) and we decided not to have a child because there were too many risks for my health, and the child would possibly have medical problems, possibly the same birth defect.
Sooo...we decided to adopt. We got a referral in Nov. Before we saw her pic, we were told she had been turned down before, and we knew she was a high risk. But when we saw that sweet child's face, we just KNEW she was ours. She had blond hair with a little red, just like my dh's family. She just looked like she fit in our family. We loved her from the minute we saw her. I am an RN, so I knew immediately when I looked at her medicals that she was very high risk (born at 27 weeks, mom used alcohol etc). When we took her meds to an IA doc locally, he basically said she would probably be austistic, and have limited higher learning. I was MAD! How could he say this about our little baby?? So we went to another IA doc, very expensive and reputable one in Texas.
Well, they said the samw thing. I was heart-broken. When I was born with so many problems, the docs told my parents that I would be profoundly retarded....and yet I am an RN and almost done with my Masters...so they were wrong.
I thought, if my mom and dad believed the docs, maybe they would have never given me a chance. How could I NOT give this child that same chance that I got???
I was so torn, and so confused.
My dh and I decided that we could not accept her, but I felt awful. I made my dh call, but before he told our case manager, she said "do not accept this referral-wait for the one that is right for your family".
This child was supposed to come off the database like Nov. 16th. We would have probably planned our first trip that next week. Around Nov. 14th, the databank crashed in that region, and they did not have records of when the kids went on the database. So basically, most of the kids had to go BACK on the database for 6 more months. IF we had accepted her, our trip would have been cancelled THE WEEK BEFORE traveling, and probably been delayed 6 months. How awful that would have been.
It has been almost 3 months since this happened. Now I am at peace with what we decided..we are now in a new region, (funny, the region we origionally wanted) and hopefully will have a referral in the next few months.
This process in very emotional, and complicated. But as someone told me, remember that this committment is not only for now, but forever. It can be easier to accept severe delays and brain damage in the early years, but it can be very difficult, painful, expensive and heart-wrenching in the later years.
Also, I try to look at it this way-when we adopt a child and bring them to America, we are providing them with a future full of opportunities and hope. My dh and I want to adopt a child that can take avantage of all that America has to offer. THis is not to say that a delayed chilld does not deserve a good home and a happy life here in the USA. But if you and your dh are not eqipped to handle it, this child will be better off being adopted by a family who can.
Please PM me if you want to talk some more. I understand your feelings.
Take care and Happy BIRTHDAY!
Amy

[april*rain]

Hi Amy,

We, too, had to turn down a referral and it was heartbreaking. Give yourself permission and time to grieve; it's a very painful thing to have to do.

I wish you peace.

[angelkisses0102]

I am so sorry you have to expeience this heartbreaking aspect of adoption.

We turned down one referral during our adoption process for Arianna...and then accepted Arianna's referral...she was a much higher risk child...with a list of unknowns but it was the 'right' decision for us. We never even had her reviewed until we were on trip #1 and had met her. She was a very high risk referral...but in the end it worked out so well...for her and us. We also know, without a doubt she would have been turned down by most...but God directed her to us at the vital time...(unknown to us at the time...she was gravely ill.)

With Alex, he had been turned once before we got his referral! We thank God every single day that he wasn't accepted by that first family.

Many of us have children who were turned down for whatever reason...so trust that this little one will find the family that can and will be able to handle any potential issues.

Although it is difficult to turn down a referral...it is even harder to accept one when you know you shouldn't...it is a lifelong commitment and does no one, you are the child, any good to put her into the 'wrong' situation.

Only you know what you can or can not accept risk wise...don't beat yourself up...

May the next referral be the 'one."

[amyfk]

Hi to the Group

I just want to thank you for your understanding and kind words.

We decided to move on and wait for referral #2. We are willing to expect some health issues, but we don't feel we can deal with major health issues.

Neverthless, it made us both feel sad that we had to turn down a child who needs a home. I do hope I hear in the near future that another family is able to give this lovely baby a home.

Thanks for the support.
Amy K, NJ