[Ktates]

My daughter has been home almost a year now. She had a few attachment issues - mainly in her openness to strangers to the point where she went to a stranger and wanted to be picked up/hugged on 2 occasions. That was in July after several hospitalizations and when we were away at my sisters wedding. She always had great eye contact, gives me and DH kisses and hugs when asked and on her own.

DH has started to work for someone else (was self employed so he was at home a lot). So my mom is going to watch her 3 full days a week. (She was watching her 3 1/2 days before). Either DH or I are home the other days. Right now DH gets her up, fed dressed and my mom comes over.

Here is my dilema - DH's day is supposed to start at 6:30 am but he doesn't usually get their til 9 so he can dress/feed etc our daughter. DH's boss is totally fine with that. But DH want's to start being there for 6:30 and have his mother come here and get Aisling up, fed, dressed etc and stay til my mom is here.

When I told DH I thought we should be the primary care giver as much as possible still due to some of her attachment issues - his reply is - she's been home a year, she has no more attachment issues. We really need the extra few dollars he could make but I'm not sure it's worth it at the moment. I definitely think Aisling is soooooo much more attached now than she was in July but she is still more friendly than I like towards strangers (not all the time, sometimes she defiinitely sticks to us). I also haven't exactly given her the opportunity to go running to a stranger for a hug either...

Sorry so long but I guess I would like the opinions of those of you that get it...DH has only read a few articles on attachment that I have given him but on the other hand I definitely don't want to be too neurotic about it...
thanks in advance-
Karen

[drazil65]

Its ongoing and there will be new triggers that will have to be dealt with. We have been home about a year and half and I am still very strong with the attachment parenting and the primary caregiver stuff. Adrian has had very few issues but he still backslides with his reactions every once in a while so I keep a careful watch for new triggers that will provoke some sort of reaction that is not normal for him when he is secure. Christmas time and all of the over stimulation set us back about a week in his behavior and I could tell he was insecure and feeling out of control because it was not his normal routine. For myself, I just will not put him in a situation that I know will make him insecure or uncomfortable so I watch and learn from our history. I know there will be issues when there are major changes in our lives as well and we will try to prepare him and then be there for him if he has a hard time dealing with the changes. But, I know it will be ongoing.

[Ktates]

I guess that's part of my concern too - she is already going to be having a change with my mom being around more and DH less. I would rather see how that goes first...and I don't think a year is a magic number epecially since she has had some issues.

[GCS]

I dont think that there is a specific date that the child is attached. It is really case by case. I have read that attachment cant be fully realized until the child has been home 2 years. I am sure that many children bond more quickly and easily than this and many have issues that take much longer.

If your gut feeling is "I think there are still attachment issues here", then I you are very likely right.

You are smart to assume that a change in her schedule might amplify attachment issues. I think there may be a way to compromise. Maybe your DH can make the move to his new hours slowly while his mother is there with them and ease Aisling into the new schedule. Since his mother is someone she knows and has spent time with in the past, and she will still be at home, this could be a good situation for you.

All the best,
Christina

[angelkisses0102]

I second everything Christina said above...

With Arianna, home over 3.5 years...looking back, I would say it was about 18 to 24 months...and she had NO struggles with her transition or attachment. But I still catch myself questioning some of her behaviors...'normal' or attachment related! UGH!

With Alex, home 22 months...nowhere near securely & emotionally fully attached yet.

I have found that I should trust my gut first and foremost on these types of questions...

Let us know how it goes...

[Ktates]

Thanks for your input. I do feel we have been doing so well with her attachment but I guess I haven't felt that way long enough that I feel we should stop making it a priority whenever possible - know what I mean?

The only thing that still bugs me sometimes is the friendlliness with strangers - she'll say hi to someone we walk by on the street but other times she seems to stick close and give people the glare (like when I took her for her first haircut this weekend). The EI person thinks she's doing well (not an expert but has a strong interest in attachment, been to conferences, read books etc) - she thinks Aisling just might be a very social kid. Is she too young for me to start telling her we dont talk to strangers????

[cathvash]

I always thought my daughter's hyper-friendliness with strangers was so cute, until I realized what it could mean...

You just reminded me of something - the hair cutting "glare" was a mystery to me until my daughter told me that in Russia, the Doctor cut their hair!!! (No wonder - a cut, a shot, and off you go!)

[GCS]

the hair cutting "glare" was a mystery to me until my daughter told me that in Russia, the Doctor cut their hair!!! (No wonder - a cut, a shot, and off you go!)

Wow! That really explains our first hair cut experience with Sam! I never knew that!


As far as stranger-danger. I don't think it is too early to have some of those conversations. Sam is very friendly and I worried at first about that being an attachment issue. Now I feel that it is part of his personality - he is really determined to make friends with everyone but he knows who we are to him and that is important.

He wont go up to others if we arent right there with him. A lot of times he'll grab my hand before introducing himself to an adult. If Aisling doesnt do this, you can set it up for her. When you see her talking to a stranger, like someone at the next table in a restaurant, hold her while she speaks with them. Get involved with the conversation for a moment and then redirect her. I always tell Sam "ok, now they want to eat their dinner". A few minutes later he'll tell me how "she's a nice lady". I agree and remind him that we only talk to strangers when Momma and Papa are with you. It will just become a habit for her to hold onto you when she talks to someone new.

We started stranger danger conversations with him about 6 months ago. He caught on to it pretty quickly. He still needs to be reminded, but I do notice that he always checks back with us for approval before going forward and making new friends now.

We've actually started calling him "the Mayor" because he's always working the room. Then he grabs my hand and introduces me as his Mama to these people. He knows every child's name at Mc'Ds playland and they all get introduced to Sophia and I. Then he has to say goodbye to everyone when it's time to go. At least he's learning good manners!

Christina

[Jensboys]

I just wanted to say, to the original poster, my sons have been with us almost 6 and a half years. We have had a major regression over this past week dealing with a birthday, and I know that the counsellor our boys saw said that the kids regress and then move forward as they enter different phases of life.

Ages 5-6 is one, Ages 11-12 another, and then again 14-16 -- with some flexibility of those ages depending on the personality of your child. But I do know that issues like grief, loss and attachment have resurfaced during each stage so far with us. I dont know if you are ever completely "out of the woods" because I know I am constantly in tune to how they are emotionally doing, what I need to do to respond etc.

Jen

[Katie63011]

Christina:


Your comment about calling Sam the "Mayor" cracked me up. My son's daycare teachers call him that. He knows all the kids names in all five classes!

I am working on stranger danger as well. He is almost three so I think it is time. He is definitely one of those friendly kids though. More so with kids than adults, if he sees three boys at the playground the first thing he tells me is that he wants to play with "the boys".

I think we are in trouble when they get older!

Katie

[angelkisses0102]

Miserable Mommy post....be warned....I posted this elsewhere in the forums TODAY! I am certain it has 'something' to do with her past...with attachment. I could just cry!

A little background...Arianna was adopted from a very, very poor area of Russia...she was hospitalized her entire life there (11 months) because of recurring infections and a serious kidney/bladder issue. She was in a very sparse crib, no diapers, few toys, malnourished...but the nurses did hold and love her...I still get tears in my eyes when I remember 2 things...#1~the hospital director's passion and love for this child as we fought, yes fought in court, to get our adoption granted and #2~the nurses holding her all bundled up in a huge comforter by the hospital window so she could see outside and get fresh air.

She had major kidney surgery 6 weeks after we came home and was hospitalized in the PICU for almost a week...I stayed home with her for over 5 months....

We have never, ever had any signs of attachment struggles with her(other than not so great eye contact sometimes)...she was a snuggly but independent baby...a curious yet affectionate toddler....always very, very wise beyond her years...extremely smart...but a very spirited/willful kid.

When we brought Alex home, she regressed a bit...so we started co-sleeping...me in her bed with her for some one on one mommy time...we still continue this. I snuggle her, swaddle her, she shows and gives affection appropriately...she looks at me, in the eye, and tells me she loves me.

Soooo, the last week or so she has been 'difficult' and stubborn...more so than normal...LOL! She is also testing me big time..she is a 4.5 year old girl ...and getting defiant. I have been 'pushing' the attachment parenting thing...doing lots of attachment talk regarding her actions and decisions...and lots of 'extra time' with mommy (read time-ins) and almost no alone time or TV time alone.

Anyway, last night she was testing me...I asked her to hang her bathrobe up in her closet...and she just stared at me...I usually do the 1.2.3...thing. I get to 3 and she is glaring at me...so I turned the TV off (we were watching it together.) She flipped out, sobbing, crying, putting the robe away. I went to hold her and she scratched at my arms, tried to hit me....she told me she wanted to bite me! I felt like I had Alex in my arms...during his worst days(he is attachment disordered.) She so wanted to control the situation...and I wouldn't let her.

Finally the scary thing...I was holding her and she just 'shut off'...her eyes were a million miles away...she went limp...she wouldn't speak...show emotion....nothing. I just kept holding her and eventually(a few minutes...probably less) she came back and told me she was sorry and became her normal self. I 'think' she used that as a control tactic and when I didn't react she gave up.

Do you think she could have been faking us out attachment wise for over 3.5 years? I am such an attachment paranoid mom now...

DH is going to be hopefully getting a new job soon and we have 'talked' to her about that...and the fact that Daddy is going away next week, for work, for a few days.

What do you guys think? Maybe it's just me being hyper-vigilent attachment mom? I don't know but it scared the crap out of me!

[Jensboys]

Karen I am going to tell you what see you tell everyone else -- if this is the ONLY sign of attachment problems YOU ARE DOING FINE!!!

Now remember, I am aware of attachment issues, but this DOES sound like an age thing. She is going to try different methods of manipulating you as she ages. NOW ... if this method comes up again and again, THEN you have an issue. This one time occurance -- NOT A BIG DEAL.

RELAX!

[lucyjoy]

To the original poster-attachment continues throughout life. However, if dad feels a need to increase his work schedule after a year and you aren't experiencing major issues, it should be okay(provided the grandmother is a stable individual). Now your child will miss the interaction with dad and may be angry at him. It is important that he find some extra time to re-bond with her and reassure her that he's still there and she's still all his.