[karenjoe]

Hi everyone! I've been brushing up on attachment parenting (Thanks angelkisses!) and adding a few more games to our routine. I started holding time with Katie (who is 14 months old) a couple of days ago. She struggles and cries and averts her eyes pretty much the whole time. She doesn't seem to have problems with eye contact at other times, nor being picked up/held upright. I understand that the struggling while being cradled is normal. My question is: Are you supposed to hold until they stop crying? Or is it a set amount of time each night? Last night she was at it a while and I finally put her down when she was reduced to kind of a sleepy whimper. Any other advice is welcome!

[maddensmom]

karenjoe,
I never forced holding time with my son. I know it is part of the attachment plan, but I just never could frustrate him purposely like that. I do respect other mothers feeling as though it is what is right for their child though. I simply have always had an issue with forcing things like that on him. He is a person, even though a very small one and I also respect his wants along with caring for his needs.
What we did instead is this... I would get down on the flor and pull him into a circle made by my legs. We would and still do touch and love and play like that. And for holding time, I would carry him all over during the day and evening. If he resisted a great deal I would put him down to play and then pick him up a little while later. I would talk softly to him about what I was doing (I used a hip sling a lot.) and let him see things I was using and touch things, even smell spices and fruit if I was cooking. He would look into my eyes when I talked with him most often.
My son has always allowed me to cradle him as long as he had a bottle when he was younger and now as long as we have had upright facing each other holding time beforehand. During upright holding time, I face him toward me and we sing songs, make funny faces, point to each others facial features and such. Eventually he gets very tired and starts to fall over and so the cradle position is more narural. I get a pillow (this is a cue for him) and lay it across my lap and then lay him across itand we rock and sing some more. This is when I get to softly touch his face and hair and feet and hands. My son has a habit of sticking his hand down my shirt when he is falling asleep. (People think he was brestfed... and more people have seen my breasts this way than I care to admit... ) But that is what he does for comfort. He just wants it there. It is not at all inappripriate just so you know. So, it is during this time that we started making our strides toward attachment. Now that things are improving, he asks to be held all the time and looks at me much more. So, I guess what I am saying is, we started at nighttime and in very small increments during the day when it was more natural to be held and now things have grown into a more normal routine. It can be an absolutely exhausting journey, but every single step toward attachment is such a gift.
I wish you the best of luck!

[angelkisses0102]

My biggest suggestion is read the book and then customize for your situation.

Alex has the angries...so we need to hold...I cradle him like a baby...hold him so he really doesn't have a choice but to look at me.

Yes, it is a fight...or was. But he had such anger in him and was so young...for us it worked. I would hold him for no more than 45 minutes or so. Try to remain calm during the entire time...next to impossible. I let him have his binkie and his nite-nite (his baby pillow) as comfort items.

One other thing I do is swaddle him like a newborn in the towel after his bath. I just repeat, sort of sing-songy, ah ah baybee (baby), over and over. He LOVES that and will ask for 'ah ah baby.'

Are you using a carrier? If not...get one and hold her constantly. CONSTANTLY. Ask my friend Tracy above or Javalita...you will be amazed at what you can do holding a toddler...just about everything!

Tracy~
We call Alex our boob man...he grabs a hold of my bra whenever I an holding him...I wear very few v-neck shirts around him...hehehhe!

Good luck....

[bdaddy]

Karen,

Can you PM me with some recommended reading?

Thank you.

[waiting4babies]

Both of my children, our 4 year old and two year old love holding time. When I tell them it is hold time, they snuggle to me and they love it.

[becky26]

I used holding time only a few times with Colin. But I really believe that these three or four times helped. He would fight me and cry until he fell asleep. I also stopped after about 45 minutes. I refused doing holding time when he was happy. I did not want to upset him when he was so content.

When I decided to stop holding time, I changed his bedtime routine. Now, I rock him in my arms while I am singing to him. He really enjoys this, and he is kissing me and touching my face - it is wonderful.

[Alison_inPA]

It's always confusing to me when people talk about holding time with children because it means so many different things. For some, it just means setting aside a time every day when you hold your child and make eye contact. For others, it means deliberately restraining the child in your lap until you elicit rage in them, and then holding them until it resolves. There are other variations on these, too.

It's best to be clear about exactly what kind of holding you're talking about so that it's clear to others. The kind of holding where you actually try to elicit rage is very controversial, and many experts in bonding and attachment think it does more harm than good. Others swear by it. But I wouldn't do that kind of holding without a competent professional guiding you on what the limits should be.

[karenjoe]

I was not trying to elicit rage. However, when I hold her by cradling her (not exactly restraining her but I suppose she does have less freedom of movement than usual) she does cry and struggle. So now I've backed off to somewhere in-between upright and cradling and included some attachment games hoping to get her used to it. I do think it's important for her to be accepting of this eventually since it seems to me to be a control and trust issue. And I do agree that forcing it on her doesn't seem right. How can you gain trust that way? But as I understand it, it is also a type of "time-in" where it is kind of a (loving) restraint. I'm not sure all the ins and outs of all of this - so if anyone has any more info I'd love to hear it!

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by Alison_inPA

It's always confusing to me when people talk about holding time with children because it means so many different things. For some, it just means setting aside a time every day when you hold your child and make eye contact. For others, it means deliberately restraining the child in your lap until you elicit rage in them, and then holding them until it resolves. There are other variations on these, too.

It's best to be clear about exactly what kind of holding you're talking about so that it's clear to others. The kind of holding where you actually try to elicit rage is very controversial, and many experts in bonding and attachment think it does more harm than good. Others swear by it. But I wouldn't do that kind of holding without a competent professional guiding you on what the limits should be.

Great point...there is a huge difference between holding time and holding therapy...HUGE!

When I hold Alex because of the 'angries' it is because he has already demonstrated and shown anger. I hold him to give him a safe place to get rid of his anger while letting him know it is OK to be angry and I still love him regardless. Yes, he did fight me a lot at first...but very rarely did he rage...it is very hard to describe here...he got very upset...but we worked towrd resolution.

If you haven't read it...read Holding Time and then customize for you.

Try swaddling...she is still so little.
Karen

[skling69]

Nicholas is now three and has been with us 9 months. Our holding time has evolved a lot since we started. Now I rock him everynight before bed and that is the only "formal" time we have, however he spends a great deal of time on my lap every day, which he initiates, and he even enjoys playing baby Nicholas, where I rock him like a baby and cuddle him. This is a huge difference from where we started. At around 3 months home I started holding him when he was angry or upset, which was often, and I held him whether he liked it or not. Really fighting me only lasted for the first two attempts. I did not hold him down I just held him against me. We went into the bedroom, I sat on the edge of the bed and I faced him to me and I held him. He screamed and arched his back and moved his body from side to side. I held him like that until he quit crying, then I let him down. I reminded myself that I could not stop once i started has is it was a battle of wills at that point. He was actually in a better mood after that so we kept it up. So the third attempt after only 5 minutes of resisting, he let go and just cried and hung on for dear life. He seemed to be letting out a lot of his frustration and sadness. We did that for a while I can't say how long but his rages did subside and now I can't remember the last time he had one. I mean a real rage not a temper tantrum. It was also after we started the holding that he started to seek out lap time. Holding them against their will certainly is not for everyone. It sounds a lot worse than it is, your just holding them. I had read in a baby book from my older son that when they tantrum, they feel out of control and they don't like that and they want you to be in control. When my older son would tantrum I would hold him against me, and hold his arms across his chest, which really seemed to calm him, so this is not a far stretch, just a wee more intense. I looked at it as Nicholas had built up a tough outer wall that had to be broken through.

[GCS]

With Sam (age 3 when home) at first we used holding time to create a bond and encourage eye contact, but also after/during a temper tantrum to help him find a release. He was resistant at first during this time. But eventually, maybe 2 months into this, he began to really like it.
Now when he is having a bad day for whatever reason, holding and rocking with him works better for me than any other type of discipline (time out, a talking too, etc). It calms him down and helps him relax so that he can communicate what is going on. Or - sometimes he doesn't know what it is he is upset about so he can't communicate it- it just helps to redirect him.
I never tried to elict rage - not my parenting style. I always try to be the "soft place to land" for my kids. DH calls it "Barney Parenting", but it works for me!

Christina