[momto4boys]

We are finally beginning to see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. We believe we may get to complete our adoption in the next few months. (have been waiting 19 months so far).
I have seen many ideas on the board about letters to family members explaining the bonding process and how things are going to be once they get home with their babies. We are adopting an older child and I would like to educate our family on things they can do (or not do) that will help with our child's transition and bonding with with immediate and extended family. I would also like to include some things that will help us, the parents. So those of you who have adopted an older child......what are some things you wish you had explained to your family or information that would have better prepared everyone.
I have done a lot of reading on this subject, but nothing is as good as the first hand advice of those you who have brought your children home!
Thanks!

[lippylulu]

The most important thing is to remind friends and family that it may be awhile before everyone gets to meet your child. We thought we were taking it slowly but ti turned out not slow enough at the beginning. Introduce your child to new people and new situations slowly or else he/she wont understand the difference between the post man and your brother. These kids get very overstimulated and overwhelemd even if they don't say it. We are home 4 months and still find we need to go slowly so we keep the number of new people to a minimum. Also, explain that you may hold onto some presents or else your child will start to think kids in America get presents every day. People will tel you not to spoil your kid, but its hard not to when getting a new pair of underwear is as exciting as getting something special....so keep the gifts low key. Best of luck!!!

[Alison_inPA]

I agree with lippy's advice. I also wouldn't expect family and friends to be as interested in studying the intricacies of attachment as you are. Keep the message about what you expect from them very simple. We have simply told people that, on the advice of experts, the children's contact with others has to be very limited for a while. When pressed to know how long "a while" is, we tell them we'll let them know when they're ready. If you have people who might want to learn more, you can suggest reading for them from some of the articles on the web or some of the attachment books.

We have intercepted gifts and, in the few cases when we couldn't, made it clear to the givers that they are not to give the children things in the future without asking us. We still have a lot of Christmas gifts that the girls don't know about, and I'm not sure when they'll be ready for all of them. In one case we took back a gift that had been given the the girls because we thought it was not appropriate. Yes, this causes hard feelings both from the kids and from the giver, but we have to be clear here about who is in control.

We have also had to put our foot (feet?) down when relatives and friends tested the boundaries to see how much we meant what we said about limited contact. It's funny how many people can hear what you say and agree with you verbally but then somehow think that the full set of rules doesn't apply to them. There's no need to lecture them, though. Just repeat your original message calmly and say you'll let them know when the kids are ready.

Be prepared for people to tell you that you're being too tough or too protective. Thank them for their observations and then ignore them. I actually had a work colleague who is widely considered to be one of the toughest parents around tell me that he thought I should ease up a bit on the kids, that we were being too hard on them. But he doesn't understand the difference between his bio, well-attached kids and mine. So I ignore him.

[LilyMoon]

Here is a letter I have posted before for friends and family. It is written by Susan Ward and is from the older child adoption site. I think it's a good one.

Letter to Family and Friends:
The Early Months
by Susan M. Ward

Dear Family and Friends:

We're very, very excited about bringing our new child home! We've done a lot of reading and research into adoptive parenting and feel knowledgeable and prepared to help our child become an excellent family member and successful person.

There are some things about adoptive parenting that are the same as parenting a biological child. There are quite a few areas, though, that we've learned are different. Through our adoption agency, books, other adoptive parents, psychologists, and more, we've learned that our child needs a specific type of environment and parenting when she first comes home in order to feel safe and secure and to learn how to live successfully in our family.

While we know that every child is different, we understand that there are many possible things that will impact our child's beliefs and behavior when she gets home. These include the degree of love she got, if she was abused or neglected, how much she ate, if she's been ill, the quality of parenting/caregiving she got, and more. The result of these things can include behavioral issues, emotional disorders, and a huge sense of grief and loss.

Adoption is a traumatic, scary, disconcerting event for any age child, whether they're newborn, or 10 years old. They're being removed from all of their routines and familiar surrounding. Even babies will feel grief and sadness at an event like this. In order to help our child feel safe and learn that we are her new parents, we are creating the type of environment that she requires during this stressful time.

Below we've listed a few things to help you understand how our child will feel when she first gets home.

Even children that have lived in dysfunctional homes with abusing and neglectful parents, are traumatized to leave their homes.

Even when they are moving to a family with more food, toys, and love, they will still be grief-filled.

Even if their past is filled with many traumatic and negative things, it wasn't ALL bad. They may have fond and happy memories of certain people, foods, smells, activities, or places.

She will be overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. New people, new rules, new foods, and more.

When our child gets home, at the recommendation of experienced adoption professionals, we need to do implement specific parenting approaches to help our child become a strong, attached, emotionally healthy family member. The child we're adopting needs to learn that we're her parents. And, she needs to feel nurtured and safe. Older adopted children are generally coming from multiple placements in foster care, or from an orphanage. In either instance, our child is not used to having parents to love and care for her.

Here are some things we'll be doing for our child, based on research and experience with other adopted children.

We'll be living a very quiet life with limited trips out and few visitors in. Social workers and psychologists tell us that when children are first adopted, they are overwhelmed, scared, and nervous. By keeping her life very boring at first, we'll be helping our child to feel safe.

We know you'll all want to hug, kiss, and help "baby" our new child, but you'll have to wait. According to adoption specialists, older adopted children, whether from foster care or an orphanage, need special parenting during their first few months home so they can strongly attach to us. Some children don't even know the difference between a parent and other adults. Until we feel our child has attached and clearly knows we're her parents, we will feed, change, and take care of her.

Our child will get all of her hugs, kisses, and cuddling from us, until she's attached and bonded to us.

Many older adopted children act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers. For safety's sake, we need to keep her close to us until she stops exhibiting what's called "indiscriminate affection, a common behavior of older adopted children."

We appreciate your time and understanding in reading this. We've given you this letter so that you'll understand how dedicated and committed we are to helping our new child adjust and adapt during this very traumatic time in her life.


Good luck!
LilyMoon

[tigger44]

I agree that you HAVE to make the rules very clear, and maintain them for as long as you feel is necessary for your child. We also had the problem with a certain family member who thought all those rules were for everybody else, and she was doing whatever she wanted to with our child. It caused some problems for us and our baby's attachment health, and also caused us to repeat the guidelines to everyone in the family. I also gave a letter to our church pastor so he and his wife would understand our attachment parenting as well. We have strictly limited visitors, and outings to public places. And, you do have to let all those words of wisdom from well meaning, but unaware family members and friends go in one ear and right out the other. I hope your adoption is completed soon!!!

[momto4boys]

Thanks for all the advice. How did you all help your children bond with their extended family? I also want to include tips for the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I know with the language barrier they are probably going to be lost as to how to bond with their new family member. What worked best withouth overhwelming your child?

[GCS]

Great advice!

The only thing I would really add is to tell them that the child is going to need time. It will take time before you really see who this child is. Time to work through fears, adjust to a family, adjust to a culture and to just learn the language.

I felt that our family was quick to "label" Sam when he came home. Of course his social skills aren't appropriate - he's had no guidance there the last 3 years, etc. I fought very hard against this.

That and having a conversation about him right in front of him like he wasnt there. I stopped that immediately. It's a bad habit to get into and they do learn the language quickly. (and it's just rude!! )

All the best!
Christina

[LilyMoon]

momto4boys- The whole idea is to not have your child bond with extended family for some time. They need to first learn who Mom and Dad are and what it means to have parents who care for you. This takes time. We limited exposure to friends and family and would not let anyone else care for our child except us. We met all of her needs. This was important for our child as she had no idea what family living was all about and wanted to get her needs met by anyone who could be charmed by her. It was a survival skill she learned at the orphanage. I don't know how old the child you are adopting will be, but chances are they have learned some life skills based on experience with multiple caregivers and neglect. This needs to be unlearned and new lessons in family dynamics take their place. It takes a lot of time and effort to change things. We found that strong attachment parenting was the only thing that worked.

LilyMoon