[ncdoppler]

Okay, I'm starting to panic! I go back to work on Thursday, only part time, 2 days one week, three the next. I'm concerned and am not sure if Maddox is ready or not. He had a two hour trial run this week. He seemed fine, I stayed for a few minutes and then left while he was busy playing. I didn't want to say goodbye as I figured it would upset him more and he maybe is just too young to understand. I left and the daycare provider said he played for about 20 minutes and then realized I was gone and began to cry and cry. She picked him up and told me he fell asleep in her arms, . He NEVER does this! I'm not sure if that is true or not, I have no reason not to believe her I just find it very strange! He never does that, in fact he will only sleep in his crib or in the car on a long drive.

The past few days he is very clingy!! Only wants Mommy, crys when I leave the room, etc. I have been spending less time with him as I have been running around and leaving him with Daddy, etc. I mean I'm talking being gone 2-3 hours tops, and half that he is napping.

I'm just concerned I don't want to traumatize him or make him feel abandoned. I know having the interaction with other children is great for him. I need to work! I mean, my check is small but takes care of our car payment and 2-3 small bills a month. Now my check will just pay the car payment and daycare! I have it great where I work too! They actually made this work schedule for me. I used to be full time M-F, when we decided to adopt they agreed to hire someone else part-time to job share with me because they didn't want to lose me. I would hate to leave after all they have done, not to mention, I need the adult time too!

I guess I just don't know what to do. I know it's not just me because my husband is concerned too! We just have such a good routine and attachment for being home only 2.5 months, I just don't want anything to change. Since this is my first time as a parent, we just worry about everything!

My gut is telling me he is not ready, but quite honestly I don't know if he ever will be! Is it just me or have others felt this way? If I had it my way, Maddox would not go to daycare, I would some how stay home with him wether it was by doing inhome daycare myself or whatever. If he did stay home I would arrange playdates and different activites so he could still get the interaction with other children.

How long do you try daycare before either enough is enough or things work out?

Am I worrying about nothing?

Thank you!
Nichole

[votemom]

follow your gut.

[angelkisses0102]

My gut is telling me he is not ready

Trust your gut!!!!

[proudmommyof 2]

We're in the same position now-we put Tommy in day care when I went back to school in Sept. (he was home about 3 months), and had to pull him back out because he started to cry and cry, would wake up and rock in his crib, etc. My MIL has been watching both boys. she needs to go back to work though, so we're going to start Tommy again next week, for about 10-12 hours a week. It's such a coincidence-I just talked to the director today.


With Dennis, he cried when I left for a few minutes the first few times and never looked back. Now I'm glad he was in day care. He is social and popular in a way that dh and I wish we had been.

If anything, we'll go through this together. I'm going to try Tommy 2 hours Mon., 2 hours Wed., and go from there. DH is going to change schedule next week to do this. For us, whether or not I worked was never an option, so we have to do this. Keeping fingers crossed.

From what the director said, Tommy should be fine-some kids it just takes longer to adjust.

[mikiment]

There are no easy answers, I know. You may want to consider in-home daycare with a trusted friend or family member to help him transition more easily. Or, sorry to say, but if your gut says he's not ready, that just may be the case and you may have to make other arrangements.

One little sidebar: just my most humble opinion, but I would strongly encourage you to ALWAYS say goodbye to your child rather than just "disappear," even if they are happily playing and it causes some initial tears at the parting. Personally, I think that for a child, the idea that Mommy or Daddy can simply vanish when you're not paying attention can be very unsettling and cause major security issues, and our kids have already had significant people disappear from their lives. We want to provide a strong, secure base for them where they know they can trust us to keep our word to them, and to be there for them. Children can get very panicky at the idea that parents disappear with no advance warning, and may start following you room to room or screaming if you are temporarily out of sight, worried that if they can't see you, you've vanished somehow. Security is a very big deal.

When we leave Chris or Alex with my mother on infrequent occasions, or even if I just run to the store and leave DH alone with the kids, I always say Goodbye with hugs and kisses (not a huge production, just pretty matter of fact but lovingly!) and add the words, "Mommy ALWAYS comes back. See you soon!" Then I walk straight out, even if there are tears (yes, sometimes mine if they are really upset!)

Then when I come back in, I immediately go to them and give hello kisses, saying, "See? Mommy ALWAYS comes back! " Even though they are young, I think this helps foster an understanding and a security comfort level that parents come back, they don't just disappear without warning. Just my two cents worth, and I certainly don't wish to offend. It's just something you may want to consider.

Best of luck with whatever you end up doing. I know these are the tough decisions and sometimes there are no good options, but just know we will certainly be here to help support you whatever you decide.

[drazil65]

When I first went back to work we did it the same way, part time at first and staying with him each day and only leaving for short periods of time. We always prepare him ahead of time and say goodbye because most of these kids cannot deal well with surprises, preparation was key. He also became very clingy and would use sleep to deal with the stress of not knowing if I was coming back to get him (I was home on FMLA for 12 weeks), I just hated that I was putting him through this. For us , this whole daycare thing just became so stressful in our household that we made the necessary adjustments, sold our bigger house for a much smaller and cost efficient house and within a few months I became a SAHM. Hands down, the best decision (since coming home with our son) we have ever made. We went with our gut instinct and nothing could stop our determination to succeed. This is our story and our life and it works great for us as a family and you need to do what your gut (mother instinct) is telling you because only you know what is going on in your family. Good Luck, its hard.

[ncdoppler]

Thank you all for your responses!

I know you're right, I will say goodbye for the time being, you made very good points that I just didn't think about!

I don't really know what to do! I have to go to work Thursday!! Maybe we are going to have soem cutbacks to make as well, the only one I can think of is our car! Not sure if that is what to do or not!

Any other suggestions would be great! I think Maddox needs a full time stay at home mommy!!

Nichole

[maddensmom]

Nichole,
Do you have a friend with a child Maddox's age? Maybe you could watch that child in your home and earn a little extra thaat way.
Just so you know, the daycare thing gets much easier. Madden now loves his "school." He was quite adamant about hating it at first though...

[drazil65]

Just an FYI, just with saving what we would pay for daycare, my cell phone and getting my nails done once a month, we ended up saving $725 a month right from the start. Not to mention we cut our mortgage payment in half , since that time we have found so many other ways to cut back and its now a game with us now and actually fun. We live a very comfortable life (but much simpler and stress free) and its amazing what this has done for our family life. The best of luck with whatever your decision is.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I was home with my DD for 6 weeks before I went back to work. I am a single mom, so there was no choice. She had just turned 2, but developmentally was about 1 year. She was, and still is, very clingly. My gut told me DD was not ready, but we trudged ahead. It was hard, she cried every morning, (for 1 year!) BUT, she actually really loved it! After 3 months home, I had a 2 week vacation. When I took her back, she had the biggest smile on her face, she was so glad to be there.

I made the point to always say goodbye. I would let her pick the number of hugs and kisses she wanted (gave her some control), gave her to a caregiver to hold, and left. She would wimper for about 5 - 10 mintues, and then enjoy the day.

If I had waited until my gut told me my DD was ready, it would have been about 2 years later, at age 4.

Just another perspective.

Kay

[Katie63011]

I personally think that it is too soon to make a determination on daycare. Even if he was a bio child, well attached, you would have adjustments with starting daycare.


I put my son into part time daycare after being home 2.5 months and it was similar to what you are experiencing. It did work out though after a month of transition.

Good luck with your decision.

Katie

[angelkisses0102]

Nichole...now that I have more time...grandma & grandpa just took the kids to the fair...woohoo...I thought I would expand on my answer.

~ Please take this in the sense that I mean it in...only a helpful suggestion...do not just leave him without telling him...like the others have said...make it a ritual...tell him you will be back and then do the same thing upon your return. Our kids sometimes really don't understand that we will come back...Alex is fine when I leave him at daycare...because it is a ritual...but will freak out if I go into the garage and leave him in the house...ugh!..because it is not part of our ritual.

~ What will you do if he really has a hard time and begins to regress? If he really starts to suffer and can't go to daycare? If 'stay hoime' is the answer...maybe don't go back to work at all...at least for a while longer.

~ Don't know what kind of work you do...but can you get a schedule that would leave him at home with your DH...you know work nights or weekends?

~ Personally, if you can at all make it work...stay home. There are so many costs associated with working...clothes, food, gas, etc...and the biggest cost may be setting back your child's attachment.

Now remember, my kids DO go to daycare...but hopefully, I will be staying home in the next few months...I know Alex will love it...I wish I could have stayed home sooner...but we simply couldn't make it work. But we did make huge changes to our lifestyle and DH took a huge paycut to be able to be home more...and now he is working to make more $$$ so we can live without my salary...

Follow your gut and your heart...in the end...you will do what is best for you and your personal situation.
Karen

[prescott3]

ANY childcare will tell you that it takes a complete teo week period to transition into childcare. JUSt DO IT. My son always cried for 2 minutes when I left. Some kids always do. It's harder on the parents then the kids.

[ncdoppler]

Thank you Karen!

I will say goodbye and make it a ritual. I don't know why I didn't think of that sooner! Just worried about upsetting him, I just don't want him to feel abandoned!

Unfortunatley I have to go back to work on Thursday. I have been FMLA for 12 weeks. I do the Medicare billing for a DME Home medical equipment company. Maddox is going to go to daycare Wednesday for more than half the day and then a full day 7:45-4:30 Thursday and Friday.

DH and I will see how it goes. If he is regressing more than usual or it seems to be very hard on him, then we will make changes.

My first thought would be to see if I can work evenings and weekends at my current job. I doubt it as we aren't open and they have already changed so much just for me! They would give me that line, it isn't fair to the others, etc. However, I do know they are desperate to have me back!

I owuld love to stay home and maybe sell our car to make it easier and then take in a kid or 2.

Decisions!

Nichole

[britfish]

The first day will be hard and the first week tough but it will get better. If there is no option other than daycare it will work out. Maybe he could do 1/2 days the first week or so?
Also, I would always say goodbye to him so its not like you are sneaking away from him. Someone on the forum once said how they always tell there child something like mommy always comes back and I will see you this afternoon. I borrowed this and tell Grace that every day.