[MustangLippy]

I have no idea if this will help because as adopted parents we have so much more to worry about, but when I dropped my bio son off at daycare when he was 12 weeks old I felt the same way. Full of guilt, panicked and absolutely sure I was doing the wrong thing. Luckily for me I did not follow my gut as daycare has been wonderful for him. In retrospect my gut was full of pain for me and the seperation anxiety I felt.

I suppose I just want to say that sometimes you're going to have anxious mommy syndrome and you need to analyze how much of what is going on is your anxiety and how much is actually reality. If he really doesn't thrive in daycare and you're sure its that then definitely try to come up with another plan if possible. But really take time to analyze your instincts. In my experience sometimes they can get confused with our own anxieties. The fact that you're fretful for him is a wonderful thing and you're a great Mommy, that is so obvious.

MustangLippy

[MustangLippy]

Also wanted to add that the other posters made a good point that it takes any child time to adjust. Plus, my friends and I always joke about how daycare can get our kids to do things we can't. Like eat broccoli and nap. My DS would NOT, absolutely NOT, nap laying flat during my maternity leave. I was tied up in knots about this because daycare refused to allow him to sleep in his carrier. I was a complete basket case. Guess what? The little booger was sleeping flat on his back in his cot by the second day.

I'd give it a bit of time unless of course what you really want to do is stay home, and then I'd think hard about Drazil's advice. Many people can do it if they want it bad enough.

Good luck
MustangLippy

[deere1]

Every child is different, but here is our experience...

Our sons first day went fine. It was about the 2-3 day he cried in the beginning, but I wasn't even out of the building and he had stopped. It took quite awhile for him to nap decent, but that is area he had hard time with us too in the beginnning. Then I had all to do to get him into car as he didn't want to leave the kids and toys. I'll never forget the day he pushed me and said "go work" while I signed him in. Our son was definitely more clingy when first put him in daycare, especially at night. I knew though once he learned to trust we were going to be there that would pass which it has.

[jflan]

Just a thought from a SAHM...it's the only time in my children's lives that we will have seemingly endless uninterrupted time together to do whatever we want whenever we want - and they actually want to be with me right now. I have teenaged nieces and nephews, so I see that it passes sooo fast, and once it's gone, it's gone. This time period (before they start kindergarten) is so short, especially since I missed out on their first year of life - that I want to savor every single day! I will say that finances weren't an issue for us, so I'm very lucky to have had a choice in it. Even on the toughest days, I'm so thrilled to have this job now! My son has been home with us for 3 years now - and my daughter for 1 - and I still need to pinch myself some days to believe it's really my life. We don't get to buy everything we want, but we have everything we need - and I wouldn't have it any other way! Good luck.

[GCS]

I stayed home 8 months with the children before putting them into 2 day a week daycare (where they are now), and I was having the very same thoughts you are.

It took about 2 days for Sam (age 4) to adjust to school and he loves it. It took about 4 weeks for Sophia (14 months then) to adjust and not cry when I left, but she too loves it now.

My gut said "dont go back to work". But now I am glad I did. Working two days gives me nice balance. In the end it's a personal choice. I didn't expect it to work out, but it did. I love our daycare provider and I think that also makes a big difference.

We always said "Momma always comes back" at first. Now I just say "I'll see you soon. Be good and have a good day." We never leave without "I love you"s.

I cried in the parking lot the first few times. Now I am glad to drop them off. They enjoy their time there, and that makes it easier for me.

Good luck!

Christina

[leeinmemphis]

3.5 and 4.5 years old when we brought them home but I remember very clearly that they asked our Russian translator (after they had been at home with only me during the day for about 2 weeks) "when are we going to see some children?????!!!!!" It was so funny to both of us but i never realized that for 3.5 and 4.5 YEARS our boys had never been alone with a caregiver -- let alone with one person for several weeks!

So, i joyfully dropped them off at "school" knowing that they would miss us but that it was best of them to be around other kids and it most certainly helped their english skills develop!

I also tell them that its their job to go to school and learn just like its mommy and daddy's job to go to work every day and earn money to take care of our family!

alli

[Sally26]

I was at home with Emily for about two months, went back to work for a month taking a day a week off, then worked two days a week for six months. My MIL took care of Emily while I worked during this time. My MIL was great, but almost everyday I came home Emily let me know she was mad at me. She was only 8 1/2 mths old. I would let her vent and loved on her and played with her until she came around.
I went back to work full time after that six months and eased her into a home daycare that a teacher friend started. She had adopted domestically just months before us, so she understood attachment issues. Emily cried when I left (which shows a child is attaching), like everyone else-always say goodbye, but be brief.
This year I have had to put her in a regular Day Care, I eased her into it-going once a week in July, full time in August. It took her about two weeks full-time to adjust. All through this process she at times showed minor attachment set back signs, when she did I just gave her more one on one time with me. She still comes home whiney and clingy on Mondays. I try to pick her up on Mondays and come straight home. The first thing I do is hold her in my lap, when she's ready, we usually read books or do puzzles in my recliner. Gradually she's ready to venture out of my lap, but often can't handle me doing anything that takes my attention away from her.
I strongly suggest giving him one on one time every afternoon you pick him up from daycare. Let your husband take care of dinner, etc.
You both can adjust, but it's not easy.
If he shows serious signs of problems, would your employer let you work from home? or nights and weekends like someone else suggested? The worst they can say is no.
Good Luck, your not in this alone.

[cathvash]

A child may experience fear when he/she is separated from a parent or caregiver. This fear is a common and normal response. The fear of being apart from family is known as “separation anxiety.” Separation anxiety can be frightening for both the parent and the child. Here are some tips for how to support a child through periods of separation anxiety:

•

Let your child know that you see interactions with caregivers as positive. NEVER tell the child that you leave them with others as punishment for bad behavior.

• Help your child become familiar with new surroundings and people before you actually leave. However, leave promptly.

• Keep your usual bedtime and morning rituals, such as reading a favorite bedtime story.

• Let the child know that he or she will be all right.

• Remind the child of previous brave things he or she has done. Talk about how a storybook character might handle the situation.

• Tell the child in simple words he or she can understand that you appreciate how upsetting it must be to be separated from you. Give the child understanding and acceptance, but not excessive sympathy.

• Never make fun of a child's separation fears. Do not scold the child for it.

• Do not bribe the child to hide the distress.

• Decrease fears by limiting TV shows that might be scary for a child.

• When leaving, give a quick kiss and hug. Cheerfully say “See you later,” and leave one of your possessions as reassurance that you are returning.

• Don't prolong your departure or come back several times.

• Don't sneak out of the room.

It may help to read books to your child about characters who have mastered separations. Here are some recommended stories with separation themes:

Peter Cottontail

by Thornton Burgess

The Good-bye Book

by Judith Viorst

Into the Great Forrest

by Irene Marcus

[waiting4babies]

Trust your instinct. I wish I had listened to myself instead of everyone else.

We put our 4 year old in pre-school and I did not believe he was ready; however, everyone else including the pediatrician (not an adoption specialist) said I should enroll him, so I did. He appears to be ready and loves going to pre-school; however, we had to start back at square one because he became confused about who mommy and daddy were.

Even if they are ready, attachment takes time. Our son is back at home with daddy full time and we have seen positive feedback already.