[jlucas]

My husband and I are adopting from Ukraine, but I am posting on this forum because it is more active and you seem to have great insight. I would really like to hear your opinions and experiences on adopting two children at the same time. We are approved for two siblings but are not sure if it would be better to bring home one or two. Ultimately, we would like to have two children. I really do not want to have to go through the adoption process again. We currently do not have any children and my husband is concerned about going from not having any to all the sudden having two. I would think that the children might feel more comfortable in their new surroundings if there were two and they were not alone. I know that this has to be our personal decision but I would love to hear from the lucky families who have already "been there, done that" sorta thing. I look forward from hearing your responses.

Jennifer

[DET62]

Are you looknig to adopt older kids, toddlers, or babies? Each each group has its own challenges.

Generally, I you should get just one child. I went from no kids to one kid [age 13] and it was all I could handle. I want another child, but I'm glad I waited.

There are so many challenges that await you, your lives will be totally different. Ease into it, I advise. One child at a time.

Good luck!
Dee

[jlucas]

We want a toddler but if we adopted two, we are open to an older child also.

[Alison_inPA]

Jennifer, we adopted two at once, biosiblings. It's hard, but because we have no biokids we don't really know how much harder it is than one. I would do it again in a heartbeat though we might in retrospect have prepared ourselves better for sibling issues.

We were told going into this that the adoptions at highest risk for failing (i.e. the parents eventually disrupt the adoption) is a childless couple adopting two or more unrelated (to each other) kids at once. You can take that with many grains of salt, but it does indicate where some of the stress points are in any adoption. Don't pile too many new things on yourself at once. Imagine how hard it might be, then try to figure out whether you can handle someting 5-10 times harder than you can imagine. If you're that strong, go for it.

One of our motivations in adopting siblings was to give some kids who have a lower chance of being adopted a new family without causing them to lose the only part of their original family that they've retained, i.e. their sibling. That's a big reward in itself, at least with our girls who are still each other's best friends. But it also makes discipline, structure, and management harder because they are already a team with highly-honed survival skills. That would be less of an issue with much younger kids, but still something to consider.

Good luck with your decision.

[tigger44]

I would also suggest adopting one child at a time. We adopted a 12 month old, and she has had very few challenges, but still, attachment parenting takes a LOT of time and energy. We were married for many years before bringing our daughter home, and life has changed drastically (but positively) for us. I don't think we would be as successful, to this point, if we had brought home two children together. Best wishes.

[Kendal]

We have done it both ways. Our first adoption was twins. They were 21 mo when they come home. I won't lie, it was VERY hard to go from nothing to 2 toddlers. But I also really like that they have a bio sibling. They give a source of comfort to each other that a sigle child does not get. Like Alison said, if you do get siblings, you really need to be prepared for the amount of work it takes to take care of two newly adopted children. We did a single child with our second adoption and I have enjoyed it so much more. It has been WAY easier that it was with the girls, but that may also be due to the fact, that he was younger when we got him as well as the fact I was and "experienced" mother at that point. Good luck to you, I don't think there really is any wrong way you can go.

[kretzklan]

Although I'm in the beginning stages and sometimes freaking out right now...I'm still glad we adopted two at once. Mostly because (and no flames please) - after knowing how hard it can be...I would have never gone back. So, our family is complete - I'll never worry I should have gone back...

They do ease one another's transition somewhat - ours are un-related by birth...so many issues that others have (one parenting the other, etc.) aren't there!

[GCS]

We adopted two unrelated children in November 2004. They were 3 years and 5 months old. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But, it was really tough.

I would not recommend doing this if one parent is not staying home. I think their age difference actually made it easier because their needs were so different they really didn't compete for attention or toys, etc.

The thing I do think about is that we never had a honeymoon period with either of them. I listen to my friends talk about their first child and about that one on one time that you really won't get bringing home two.

The other thing to consider is that both parents are going to have to be very actively involved with two. You just need 4 hands. You need to attachment parent with both children and that is a full time job.

Don't forget to consider the costs. You need to furnish two rooms and need two complete wardrobes. Diapers, etc. It seems like a small thing, but it is not.

It is hard to get a break with two at once. It will be hard to have any quality time with your DH. But this is all temporary. We're home a year and things are very normal for us right now. It took time and hard work, but you do get there.

I am not trying to disuade you, but to make sure you are prepared. I am all for adopting two at once. I am so glad we did. Our children have a wonderful bond. We feel very blessed!

All the best,
Christina

[jlucas]

Keep it coming! Ya'll are giving me alot of great suggestions and things to think about. I am planning on taking a year or so off from work. But even with that, my husband works alot of hours sometimes. Unless one child was several years older, I don't think I could do it. I really want to be able to take my child/children out and do alot of things together that I couldn't do by myself if I had two younger children.

I agree with not having a "honeymoon" with each child if I brought home two at a time. I just don't know if I can go through the adoption process all over again. Then again, once I bring one child home, maybe I will see that it was all worth it and will want to do it all again

[chucknfw]

We adopted three siblings at once. Two boys 12 and 2 at the time and their sister was 6. It has now been two years and we just had our first bio child three weeks ago. Yes, it was the hardest life transition that I have ever gone through and my wife will second that. As a couple who professes our love for Jesus and seeks to follow him, we both were in agreement through faith that this was where we saw God leading us.
We have had a tremendous amount of support from both sides of our family as well as from the church and friends.

If you and your spouse are in total agreement that this is the way you want to go, and you have the caring support around you in family and or friends who can help give you periods of rest through the transition then I say go for it.

Prepare as much as you can about the challenges that are unique to foreign adoption and how parenting this group of children is different that parenting biological children. I read Parenting the Hurt Child which was a wonderful resource, and we went to a seminar and are involved with adoption support groups. These groups help you with resources and give you some insight on the challenges of adjusting to your new life.

I applaud you for seeking those who have gone through this through this resource, and I suggest looking for people in your own community that you can sit down with, who would be willing to field all of your questions as well as share their story.

Good luck in your adoption journey. Its an amazing rollercoaster ride!

[Alison_inPA]

GCS makes a good point about considering costs. The adoption costs themselves will depend on what your agency's policy is. When we were researching agencies we ran into some who gave no discount for the second child and others who gave a substantial one. But you still have to pay for two visas, medicals, plane tickets, etc.

The costs once you get home need to be considered, too, especially medical and dental. Even relatively healthy kids will need lots of medical visits, tests, immunizations. And don't even get me started about the teeth! Even if you have good insurance, it can cost a lot out-of-pocket for co-pays, etc.

And you can't immediately hand down clothes from the older to the younger. You have to buy two complete wardrobes, furniture, toys, carseats, etc, all at once. And then when they come home they grow really fast so you have to buy the clothes all over again very soon.


None of these are reasons not to adopt two unless the cost would put a huge strain on your family budget. It's just something to keep in mind when making your plans.

[hope2bamother]

Our sons were 27 months and 10 months old when we brought them home last June. They are bio sibs and we feel that the transition was easier for them because they had each other. We really wanted to adopt bio sibs and were thrilled when we received our referral. It was extremely difficult to go from 0 to 2 children but our agency did an excellent job of preparing us for the transition. (The trip home was brutal.)

We are a happy, complete family of 4.

Definitely a personal decision.

[Jen_in_OH]

Jennifer,
My DH and I struggled with the same issue. We went around and around with it. Our story is a little unique in that we eventually decided that as first time parents we would adopt one child (this was NOT an easy decision for us). We received a referral of an 18 month old boy and during trip #1 we learned that he had a 3 year old sister. I know it was a miracle & no one will ever convince me otherwise!!
After delays in Russia, we eventually brought both home with us in July 2005. We are now the recent proud parents of a busy 2 & 4 year old. When I see them playing together (and even when they are fighting together), I cannot imagine anything different.
Yes, it is a personal decision. I don't think there is necessarily a wrong answer. Just know that either way your life will never be the same!
We couldn't be happier - although I would pay big $$$ for a nap right now!!!

Jen

[Mom4Girls]

I adopted two girls just two months, after adopting two girls earlier in "singleton" adoptions. I had hoped to adopt two at one time for the first adoption, but that did not happen. I am glad I adopted two at one time most recently. They are older (5.5Years). While not bio-sisters, they had been in the same orphanage for quite some time, so had attachment to one another. They have been able to lean upon one another during this transition...learning a new language, new foods, country, smells, family, etc. They get along well with one another and with my first two daughters.

Since they are the same age, this did not require two more bedrooms...rather they share many things, including their new room. In fact, there are quite a few things that all 4 girls share. I think having children close in age makes the parenting role easier. I am not simultaneously dealing with toddler tantrums and pre-adolescence. LOL

I think parents can prepare for adopting two at once by reading as much as possible about attachment and other possible adoption issues. There are many excellent books on the market to address this. If your heart seeks two children and you feel you are prepared, I highly recommend this is a way to build a family. Good luck with your decision~~

[another2]

After reading Alison's post, I am not sure if I'm "strong" or just plain crazy!!!

We have adopted two unrelated boy & girl infants twice! I won't lie, the first time was rough. Being a first time mom and having two all of a sudden was kind of a shock to the system. But the children clung to each other from the beginning and have been the best of friends ever since. After a few months, having two was no big deal -- you get a little more organized and may have to sacrifice a little more personal time, but they had built in playmates that made life easier. I wasn't the only source of entertainment during the day.

While we were a little nervous after the first time, I am so glad we got the second two at the same time. We have not been home quite 2 weeks yet and they are just great together. Our 13 month old son checks on his sister when she is crying and brings her toys! It is adorable.

We saved almost everything from the first adoption, so we didn't have to rebuy bottles, clothes, cribs, etc. And it is surprising how quickly I have fallen back into the "routine" of two children.

I think it is a question of really "knowing yourself" and how much you can handle. Also, I have a great husband who quickly steps in to take up the slack when I get tired or sick or just need a break!

KT