[karenjoe]

Ok - At MikeinTexas' request and as a continuation of kretzklan's thread I am starting a new thread about Parents having trouble attaching to their new child/children. Anyone else want to share or lend support please do!

I'm right there with kretzklan! It is a hard subject. Nobody wants to admit that you have trouble feeling love for your own son/daughter. In my case - although I KNOW that our DD is not doing anything wrong, she has habits and issues that may be at least part of the reason I am having trouble feeling that love. I'm sure she has very valid reasons for acting the way she does at times, but it's difficult when you don't know what those reasons are. And please no flames - I am doing many of the attachment parenting suggestions from the books. And honestly, she seems to be attaching to me pretty well so far! Maybe the lack of attachment on my end has something to do with having bio children first? I don't know - I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I hesitate to say it b/c it sounds so bad, but a lot of the first weeks I was just constantly annoyed. Then immediately guilty for being annoyed at a baby. Then guilty again of thinking of her as a "baby" and not my daughter. Guilt guilt guilt.......

The good news is we are making some slow progress. I am having more moments of affection and less of annoyance. Her habits have diminished somewhat - hopefully they will continue to do so the more secure she feels. Hopefully my feelings for her will come. Until then though - it is very stressful. Why don't I feel them? How can I feel so cold/callous to a child who needs/wants me? I would love to hear more stories like angelkisses who says it will come! Right?

[Shay]

Karen...again I am sorry I don't have any experienced advice for you but know that my heart goes out to you and others who face this situation. Thank you for sharing your story with us!

HUGS!!!

[Camille123]

I have no 1st hand advice to give. Just want to give moral support and to say I think not bonding right away is normal. Not just for the child but also for the parents. I've read posts on this listserv and others that say it is not always love at 1st sight. You have only been home a short time and my guess is you will indeed fall in love eventually.
Hang in there!

[kretzklan]

I think the main word for me right now is GUILT. I have people say to me - "oh, they're adorable" and I'm thinking - uh,huh...come live with us a couple of days. That's terrible. Then comes the guilt. I know that people feel my "stand-offishnesh" in public and I worry that they think I am a horrible parent. My children are taken care of - and yes, we hold them and cuddle with them. But, sometimes it's very forced on my end. I know I'm supposed to "fake it until I make it..." - but that is HARD for me. It also makes it harder that C and D gang up on R. For me, I feel the protective gene come over me to save the one I know from the ones I don't. Gooooooooddddddddd - that is so horrible. I'm honestly drained physically, emotionally and my health is hurting because of it! When I don't feel good it's that much harder to be happy. I just want to feel happy. I worked SO HARD for this and it's not what I thought I wanted...

Is having the bio first making this harder??? I saw Adoption Stories and the woman said - "all adoptive parents just know the second they see these kids that they'll love them forever" - more guilt. Is that for real?

[karenjoe]

I saw the same program. How can you just KNOW? I know many have posted saying so, but honestly I think it's more natural to not have love at first sight. Maybe it does have to do with having kids already somehow? Maybe it is just the letdown of the family we worked so hard to build not being the rosy picture we had in our head (at least not yet)? I know what you mean tho. Katie (our DD) is VERY pretty and gets a lot of attention when we are out. And I have said to myself more than once while people are cooing over her "Yeah - try to live with her for a week." UCk - then hate myself for being such a cynical nasty person. That's not me. Why am I thinking that? I just don't get it. And the guilt looms.....

[Shay]

M, or anyone with a bio child home...do they come and talk to you about feelings they may or may not have for their new siblings...I am just curious.

[angelkisses0102]

Karen~guess we read Mike's post about the same time...I started a thread on this too...but will post to yours and I'll have the other one removed.

OK~yes I have been through this and have survived and now love my son. I can sort of relate to those who have a bio child about how different love can be or have adopted more than once and have struggled in only one. I was instantly, immmediately, and completely head over heels in love with Arianna. It was truly love at first sight. So I was unprepared for the feelings that I didn't have for Alex. It still hurts to type and then read this...

When we met Alex on our fist trip, I knew I could love him...but didn't fall in love with him...I actually felt sorry for him. On our second trip he was so snuggly...I carried him around in a baby bjorn most of the time...I liked him. Once we got home...it went downhill quickly. He was a screamer...he didn't sleep...he wanted only me to hold him. Then he fractured his skull and was hospitalized...I felt awful for him and was scared...but still didn't love him. So, now the guilt started creeping in.

Our first months (5 or 6) were hell...he wasn't attaching or sleeping...I wasn't attaching or sleeping. There were days I didn't even like him...and there were days the thoughts were 100 times worse than that. I had awful thoughts...about him. I did not like what he was doing to me, my DH, or Arianna. We were all unhappy and it was all his fault....I would think this and then get guilty again.

It was so hard, we changed our lives for him...I quit my job and we downsized our home...for HIM...and he could care less. He wanted me to hold him...yet he didn't attach to me...he hated DH...wouldn't go to him without screaming. I continued to have these awful thoughts...and continued to feel guilty.

But everything I read said...fake it until you make it. So I did a lot of faking. We did attachment parenting...it works for both of you...you are 'forced' to force the issue of attachment in the child and in yourself!

Being the primary caregiver (mom in most cases) is extra difficult because mom takes the brunt of the struggle. Your child may be 'perfect' for others...and a little 'monster' to you. Everyone else sees this wonderful child...you see a demon at times. Even if your child is not attachment disordered...and is just going through the 'normal' pains of learning to attach...it can be so difficult.

I also thought...well isn't this what I wanted...so why can't I love him...like I do Arianna...oh more guilt. I 'did this to myself', 'I have no right to complain', 'What the hell is wrong with me that I can't love this cute little baby/toddler/child that everyone else thinks is just so precious.'

My only advice...don't beat yourself up...trust me when I say time is your best friend. As you uncover your 'new normal' (because you life will never, ever be the same again & that is OK) you will become more comfortable with your child...you will have days when you even like them...and then you will have this day...

It had to be September of October of 2004...we came home in March 2004. I was back to work and going home and I got this 'funny' feeling in my chest...I honestly felt nervous/excited/??? but couldn't put my finger on it. I got home, walked into the house...Alex came barreling at me to pick him up...and I was happy to do it (for a change)...I was happy to see him. I was actually falling in love with him. Finally!

It is so, so normal...and the harder time your child is having the harder it is going to be for you. Attachment is always a two way street...always. It is so hard to bond to a child who pushes you away or does things you can't stand or who you simply don't like.

Just keep faking it...and doing the attachment parenting...it can and does get better. Come here and talk to the only people who will truly understand...and if things go from bad to worse...get professional help. Hang on...and trust your new best friend...TIME!

(I'll do another post on activities you can do to bond better with your child.)

[karenmarq]

No advice here because no child home yet.

But, I did get a lot out of reading "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother" by Jan Wolff.

Karen, I know a woman with a bio child that was really captivating when she was out and about. She said that sometimes she just didn't want to go out because of all the attention the child got. Plus you are having a difficult time at home.

I see that your process went very quickly. Perhaps you are not quite caught up to yourself and all your feelings about adopting? I know we did alot of classes through the agency and with the homestudy, too, that were very helpful. Is your social worker good to talk with?

No experience either with the sibling thing, but I saw on Dr. Phil the other night about having family meetings to talk things through.

Best wishes to you!

Karen

[akotelnikova]

i have an adopted child and i have attended attachment therapy classes (i am a therapist). all of that information is good, however, from my personal experience - attacment is first and foremost something you do with your soul, not your head. if you are having a hard time feeling it, so is she. the block may be coming from her, not you, so don't be hard on yourself. if you are open to this type of work, i would like to suggest - relating to her on a soul level. what i mean by that is - talk to her soul (inside). tell her that you are ready to love her and ask her soul to open up to you. a small attachment ritual may also be helpful. ask a friend or two to be present and go to the water or the woods with your child and say out loud that you are ready to welcome her into your heart. give her something symbolic of that act. having witnesses makes it feel more real.
good luck to you!

[dlhall]

It's almost refreshing to hear that not everyone fell in love with their child at first sight or even the first time they held him/her or even in the first month. It took us awhile to really fall in love with Natalya. I know the first time I really truely felt like her mother was after she had been home for a few months and she got sick. She was running a high fever and I stayed up with her all night--afraid to leave her side. That's when I knew I was in love with her. I know it took my husband at least 6 months before he was really able to say he loved her. I used to worry that he would never come around.

But let's be logical. When you first get your child, you are/they are strangers. Why should we even expect to fall head over heels in love with a stranger? It takes time for that love to grow roots and take bloom. So I have to agree with Angelkisses, time is your best friend in these matters and don't feel guilty for those feelings.

I am so happy that someone is actually willing to voice those feelings, for I have to admit I struggled with my feelings for Natalya in silence. How could I even say what I was thinking when I was so ashamed of what I was thinking? I was more in love with the idea of being a mom than I was with my own child--of course that has changed. Now I love her more than life itself and my new worry is how will I ever love another child as much as I love her? The worries never end, do they?

Liz

[bonsaroonie]

I don't really have any answers, but I can tell you that I've experienced some of the frustrations you have.

I'm a straight shooter: was I in love with Pierce from the moment I met him? Heck, no! I'm a bit of a stoic and do not fall in love easily. This has always been my nature and it rang true regarding my DS. (By the way, it helped that my DH shared my feelings - not love at first sight but excited about finally meeting the child who would become our son.)

I think it's more difficult on women (society, our genetics, I don't know) to not feel that loooove immediately. Still, be reassured that not everyone feels that instant love and connection. That's totally OK. It's what makes the world go 'round - we're all a little different.

And good grief - you've only been home for a few weeks. Definitely cut yourself some slack! The first 8 weeks sucked for us, but have improved gradually. (We've now been home just over 6 months.) In fact, this stoic now loves her little rascal and knows that love will continue to grow over time!

Wishing you and your family all the best!

[Shay]

I just want to say I am very touched at your honesty, everyone, about this subject. It really does take a lot to be able to say you need help with this in a public forum. Thank you for doing so and helping yourself get it off your chest and knowing you are not alone and also helping others!

HUGS

[Alison_inPA]

I think delayed parental attachment is sometimes a problem for bio-parents, too. I know a few mothers and at least one father who say that they went through fairly long periods of feeling like the babysitter rather than the parent. Parental attachment isn't always immediate and complete with bio or adopted children. And really there's no reason you should expect it to always be that way.

[angelkisses0102]

Here is a list of Don'ts...and all of our kids are unattached 'to us' when we first bring them home...not all of these pertain to every situation...but #1, #3, #6, #8, & #9...are great.

Top Ten Don'ts for Parents of

Unattached Children

1.Don't take the child's behavior personally. Doing this leads you to lose good interaction and decreases the chance of attachment.

2.Don't get into blaming the social workers, the school, your spouse, yourself. Concentrating on blaming takes away energy needed for advocacy for your child and healing for all of you.

3.Don't doubt yourself. The hard work, love, and commitment you have given to the child counts, even if things don't go well all the time.

4.Don't always accept the first diagnosis of your child's problem. This is especially true if you have a gut feeling it's wrong. A second opinion is just as important for a child's psychiatric diagnosis as for a physical diagnosis.

5.Don't give up hope of finding help/resources. There are many helpful organizations out there, "creative funding" to help pay for some therapy.

6.Don't go beyond your limits or take on too much. If you overstress yourself and get physically ill or have a nervous breakdown you won't be able to help anyone, not even yourself.

7.Don't believe that one person, one couple can't do anything to make a difference. "The squeaking wheel gets the grease." If you're persistent and willing to write lots of letters or make many calls (to legislators, the media, etc.) you can shake things up, wake people up.

8. Don't forget to make and cultivate friendships with those who do understand.

9. Don't believe you aren't making a difference in your child's life.

[mikeintexas]

Thank you everyone for starting this thread. Let me first say that I am not going to post a lot of the personal details here because alot of those feelings belong to my wife. And I don't feel right interpreting what she thinks.

What I do think, from my vantage point, is that attachment from DW's part is very much hindered by many of Julia's behaviors. This may be what Karenjoe is referring to (although clearly we have different age kids, but the problem may be the same).

For us, it's Julia's immaturity combined with her inability to make changes in that behavior. We've tried the gamut of strategies to change/reinforce certain behaviors. And then we tried them all again. Even her teacher is on board. Yet, after nine months of this, I think the patience has finally worn thin and the exhaustion has set in. As a result, there isn't a lot of energy or desire left to dedicate toward attachment.

I'd like to think that if we could find a strategy to help those behaviors, then we might move along on attachment. But maybe I'm wrong? Does the immaturity ever get better? If it does, will this help with attachment. I've seen parents with older kids write about the immaturity levels that they experience. At what point do things start to improve?

Mike