[kretzklan]

Hello all -
I feel bad that I seem to come here to let go of my frustrations...but it helps to know others have been there, felt that etc. Yesterday was a hard day. Cole had dental work (A LOT OF IT) and stayed home crying all day in pain. There was little I could do...very helpless feeling since he can't really explain what was hurting or what he wanted to eat or not eat...etc, etc. Delaney's school requested we move her from 1st grade to kindergarten. We are doing that, but the struggle within me was HUGE. I read in another thread how mean kids are...and from working in an elementary school - I know that's true. I worried about everything. I think I gave myself a nervous breakdown. She starts in her new class today - afternoon kindergarten...so right now the boys have gone to school and I think she thinks she did something wrong. I can't explain to her that it's not her fault. The reasons she is moving back: motor skills - she couldn't cut right (etc.) and maturity. DUH! I knew the maturity thing...I though and still think it will come in spurts. But, I'm really beating myself up about the scissors. I don't know why. I feel like a total failure. She knows all 26 letters and their sounds...counts to 20. Prints all the letters and numbers...but I never helped her cut. AAAAAYYYY! I'm an idiot...never even thought of it. I know that Kindergarten is the right decision...but, my heart hurts. Honestly.
So, after all the stress I'm feeling and the fact that bonding still isn't falling into place on my side of things - I still have the babysitter feeling big time. Well, I broke down last night. At dinner - crying in massive sobs. Had to leave the table - probably scared all 3 of my kids to death. DH followed and tried to listen and talk, but it's uncomfortable. No body wants to hear someone say how badly they want to love the kids...why can't I get there? OK, crying again...

[Jim_in_PA]

I really can feel for you, M...especially about the dental part. Nastia needs a LOT of dental work and is deathly afraid of dentists and dentistry due to some unfortunate "history" in Russia. She has gone so far as to say that she wants to be out cold for it (an astute choice considering we didn't exactly mention that at first) which will require us to change to a different dentist. We tried to start her with just a little work...while she agreed that the novocaine was just the ticket relative to pain, she was shaking so hard from raw fear that the Russian speaking dentist couldn't even put a q-tip in her mouth safely. (Aborted that work...)

As to school, you have to do what is right for the child. If your daughter isn't ready for 1st, than K is probably a good choice. This is probably a good time to employe a live translator to insure she understands that the change is to make it easier for her to learn and NOT because she did anything wrong. Don't delay on that, either...

It also sounds like some Occupational Therapy may be in order to get her up to speed with her age on the motor skills things. We were concerned about this with Alesya in the summer, but she seems to be doing fine in that respect at this point.

[Sunshine Mom]

Just wanted to offer my support and let you know that there are boards here that are geared towards attachment that you might want to check out. In my couple weeks of reading here I have seen many parents mention attaching and the difficulties involved.

[Alison_inPA]

Michelle, I was just thinking about your kids when I dropped ours off at school this morning. You've done so much with them in so little time, but maybe it's hard to see that from where you're sitting now. From out here, it looks like you're doing a super job.

If Delaney's motor skills really are delayed, it probably wouldn't have made that much of a difference even if you'd worked with her on it. Going to kindergarten half-days might actually give you some better time to work with her individually and bond with her a bit. On the other hand, if you really think she's academically okay for first grade, maybe you should fight the school on this. It's so hard to know what's right, but the school has to understand that she's not like any other first grader who comes in and can't cut with scissors. She's probably never in her life had a chance to try it, so it's not the same as a kid who got to try it in kindergarten for a whole year and still can't do it.

Repeat this to yourself a hundred times: You're doing a great job with these kids. They've made all kinds of advances in just a few short weeks. They will continue to learn and absorb things, and because they have a family to love and support them they will also be able to get over any little obstacles in the road. You are a good Mom.

Hang in there!

[mikeintexas]

Michelle - let me reaffirm the decision to start your daughter in Kindergarten rather than first. We did the same thing. It seems very hard now, but you will save yourself the stress you both would incur as a result of her being in first grade. Don't beat yourself up over this...it's a good thing!

As for the attachment, I will PM you later, but know that you are not alone. It's good you wrote...let your forum friends support you in this tough transition.
Mike

[cathvash]

Michelle, You are having a small meltdown most surely... Remember to cut yurself some slack here. It seems that you are just beating yourself up!

Look at the stress you have had during the last year. You have achieved nothing less than a miracle in bringing your family together - Worry, financial hardship, International travel, major emotional adjustments, followed closely by the "holidays"...and who knows what else? It is no wonder your emotional barometer is in check right now. Your body is in protective mode. I strongly believe that once things settle down a bit, your emotions will start to flow normally again, and the loving feelings you are looking for will be there.

Your family is so wonderful. Bless you!!

[angelkisses0102]

(((HUGS))) Never beat yourself up over your kids past...you are not responsible...Never beat yourself up for struggling to attach to them...it is a two way street...and that street often has many, many potholes!

Now, go ahead and cry and scream and get it all out...take some time to yourself...and then start that work again. So, she can't cut with scisors...figure out why and address it. If she needs therapy...get it...nothing wrong with getting the help she needs.

She will 'probably' do better in Kindergarten...and once she grasps the language better...if she appears to need to be moved up a grade...move her up...once she is acclimated better.

The attachment takes time...I still have days when I look at Alex and 'wonder'...it took me a long time to not dread having to see him some mornings...I know that sounds terrible...but it is true. I now love him to death and can't wait for my hug...but it takes time to get there...and sometimes a long time to get there.

Time is truly your best friend right now...trust me on this...and please come here and vent away...(today must be the day...I got a vent thread going myself.)

And if you feel like you are starting to spiral downward...well that happens sometimes too...I am a survivor of post adoption depression...as are a few of us.

I am so sorry you are struggling right now....hugs!

[waitinginnj]

Hang in there and stop being so hard on yourself - you are doing great from the sound of things. The first 6 months are hard no matter what. The challenges of two older children amplify that.

I would get someone to explain things to the little one. Make sure that she gets it and then give her time to catch up. Someone was right on that she can always move up a grade later, if appropriate.

We are here and listening.

[karenjoe]

Just wanted to add a little support and say you're not alone on the attachment thing at least! Although we are making some slow progress, I am still having trouble feeling anything stronger than affection toward our new daughter, mostly due to some habits and issues that she has at the moment. It is very hard to feel this way. I've questioned myself over and over. Why don't I feel it? What's wrong with me? or her? I know we have some different issues than you are having since our DD is much younger - but know that we're all in this together! :-) I'm sure given some more time we will all be smitten! <fingers crossed!>

[Shay]

M, I may not be experienced with attachment issues or adopting older children, but I wanted to make sure you knew I have plenty of experience in being a good friend (which includes anything you need). Please don't hesitate to call me if you just want to vent and need someone to bounce it off of or scream at or whatever will help you get through this. I can't imagine how hard it is for those who are going through this and I am so glad you have those who have and are going through the same things. Please don't beat yourself up you are a great mother and these children are very blessed (as you are) to have a mom who really cares and wants them to flourish...and they will!!!

[mikeintexas]

(I have to thank Michelle for raising this issue... so as to not take away support from Michelle, it would be helpful if someone could start a different thread about the mother-to-child attachment (as opposed to the other way around, which we hear a lot of) and the difficulties involved, the guilt, the feelings, etc. I know I would benefit from this! -Mike)

[DET62]

Don't beat yourself up - everything you feel is normal.

I know I can say I've been there, done that, too. Even with just one, a 13 year old who seems well attached, there are many times when I wonder how she views me - Mama, or just caretaker?

Your kids should see you cry sometimes, because they should know you are human and you get stressed. It's not a terrible thing. My daughter has seen me cry many times.

I agree with Jim - your daughter really needs someone to talk to her in Russian and reassure her about school. I have a friend who is Russian, and if you don't mind paying for a long-distance call she will explain things to your daughter. She is a professional translator and works a lot with adoptive families. She was a godsend to me and my daughter in the first few months. I doubt she would charge you, but if she does she has very big discounts for adoptive families. PM me if you'd like to know more.

Hang in there!

Dee

[karenjoe]

Hey Mike - I've added a thread re: parents attaching.