[Joyful Momma]

Hey guys..its been a while since I posted. We disrupted 1 sibling from our 3 part sibling group, and we've settled in without him (and things are like the difference between the inside of a dumpster and heaven itself now! )

Anyway, now that the girls are settled, and we've adjusted to the wonderful life, we're ready to adopt again. We were considering USA sibling groups, but for a variety of reasons, we've moved towards a sibling group from Russia/E. Europe of children under 9, or maybe Guatemala for an infant later.

My hubby and I have found tons of GOOD stories (which is wonderful!) about adopting that group, but I'd like to hear some honest negatives too. It won't affect our decision whether to adopt, or truly even where to adopt from, but at least we can be better prepared.

For instance, is the language barrier extremely challenging with an older child (a baby's needs are simpler to address-somewhat universal), should we take classes in the language?

Or, what problems did you face in mainstreaming your newly adopted Russian older children into your local community, or redneck family, or etc etc....

I always know I can count on the honesty here, and that's why I'm asking. We know the risks of America's older kids, esp Caucasian- kids of drug addicts/meth labs/extreme abuse (because America always wants to reunite the kids, it has to be horrible before these kids get a chance at a fresh start, and the damage they go through prior to that is a reason why we're somewhat leery of adopting from local DCS).

So what are some of the "quirks" we should expect from institutionalized older kids?

Thanks in advance everyone!

--Joy

[waxhawfamily]

We adopted a 2 yo and have had no laguage issues. We didn't understand much our bio DS said until he was at least 3, we're ahead of the game already with our newest DS. We have had minor anger issues, but attachment parenting has nipped that in the bud. Otherwise we're doing well (with absolutely no regrets) at almost 6 months home (which I know isn't long, and we could still see attachment issues yet).

However, my DSiL adopted a girl from Russia at 6 years old. She had a few interesting things come up which I'll share:

My DH's sister would take her DD out to places like a park, and she wouldn't understand boundaries. She didn't realize not to leave the park area and venture into the street with on-coming traffic. The problem was that for the first several months, she couldn't yell to her DD to come back, Natasha simply didn't understand the verbal alert. This was also a problem in parking lots and stores. Because of the language issue, she had to treat Natasha as if she were 2 instead of 6, until there was an understanding of her surroundings, and the language.

Our SIL also 'lost' Natasha at the beach during the first few months. She wandered off and couldn't communicate with anyone to get back to her family. My SIL was frantic, and finally found Natasha detained by the hotel staff in the lobby. Natasha recognized the hotel, went back inside, and looked lost enough to draw attention.

Another issue was with plundering. Natasha was accustomed to being able to use anything within reach at the orphanage. When she was taken to other people's homes, she would set out plundering in drawers, closets, etc.

Food hording was another issue they faced. My SIL would find food stashed in various places in Natasha's bedroom. She would then lie about it if asked. This went on longer than the above problems. This was conditional rather than a laguage barrier issue. I guess it takes a long time to releive the feeling of hunger .

Anyway, they have worked through these things over the last 3 years. Natasha is one beautiful little girl. She is 100% American now.

[DET62]

My daughter came home last December at age 13, and has had a pretty easy adjustment. She's a great kid.

I made a big effort to learn some rudimentary Russian Mommy-type words, and I am so glad I did. I took a class, but mainly picked up a lot just listening to language CD's in the car. I enjoyed it - kept my mind occupied during the waiting. I recommend to anyone adopting an older child to learn some Russian.

I also arranged in the 1st adoption visit to have Alesia tutored in English weekly while waiting for the court date. I had been to Khabarovsk with a choir - which is how I met Alesia, singing at her orphanage - and we sang at a school and I met a wonderful English teacher. She went to the orphanage and taught Alesia a lot of basic English words and phrases, which helped.

As soon as Alesia got home I got her a Leap Pad learning system and that improved her English a lot. She still uses it from time to time.

The cultural differences were only minor annoyances. She was not used to bathing every day, wearing clean clothes every day, washing hands before meals, etc. She had never really used toilet paper, and resisted putting it in the toilet - Russian plumbing is awful. That was another intense discussion. [I have a friend here who is Russian and I called her a few times to explain things in Russian. I also used a computer program to translate.]

Getting Alesia used to being told what to do, and used to exhibiting good manners was challenging, at times. There was a "honeymoon" period, and then she relaxed and started being a normal kid. I come from a strict family and we require children to conform to behavior standards. She wasn't awful or unmanageable, just a typical teen with an attitude. I made up a behavior chart and posted it recently, and her behavior has improved dramatically.

Alesia's Gotcha Day is Monday, and we are having a party to celebrate - just an informal party, at home, with a few close friends. I feel like we have such a HUGE reason to celebrate - this tiny, scared child is now a beautiful young lady who chatters in English all the time.

I do not regret adopting her - in fact, just the opposite. She is a delightful, funny, sweet kid. Emotionally she is more like 10 or 11 than 14. She is a treasure. She is very bright, however.

I never thought I could love someone so much. I am a big advocate for adopting older kids now.

My family has accepted her wholeheartedly, which is a big blessing. She knows she has a big circle of people who love her and I know she feels secure in that, even though I'm single.

If you'd like more information, please feel free to PM me.

Good luck!
Dee

[mikeintexas]

Our story is A LOT like Dee's story is. We brought home a 5-year old girl who turned 6 shortly after we got home. She is a joy, a beacon of light, has incredible energy, and has made such incredible progress since we got home.

She integrated VERY well with the family and her two brothers (age 2 and 7). She is doing well academically in school.

English came very very quickly. We knew only minimal Russian...to the point that it was soon pretty useless (i.e., eat, sleep, bath, be careful, I love you, etc.) She was immersed in English and took to it in no time. Running a household with two young boys just didn't permit us the time to learn the language as we would have liked. So we learned enough to function and make her comfortable. But it was quickly of no use.

As with Dee's child, our daughter is emotionally immature (more like 3-4 than 6) and has trouble following through with her behaviors. Her manners were atrocious. But, if you think about it, these kids have very few people who care about every action they do at the orphange during the day and night...so we are reprogramming her to be part of a family who loves her and cares about her. A lot of it involved her giving up control. We still have a day now and then that pushes us to our limits, but honestly, that is just what we expected.

I love this girl to death. And I am SO glad she is part of our family. I'd venture to guess that she is too! I'd strongly encourage you to keep on keepin on. It moves my heart when older children get a home and a Forever Family.

PM me w/ questions.
Mike

[SingleMama2B]

HI Joy.... Both my sister and I adopted 8 year olds this past January and February. My DD has adjusted very well, with minor issues... i.e. getting use to clean clothes EVERYDAY, her own bed that was big enough for her, choice of shoes (between the clothes and shoes, she was totally overwhelmed, so I would lay out 2 different sets of clothes to narrow her choice, and that she could handle), bathing every night, Her not having to wash her underwear and tights out everynight... oh, and not toooo many choices of food either! These where the biggest issues with my DD! Now my sister's DD..... She has had RAGE issues since coming homein February 2005! She, with therapy, is getting alittle better. They have ruled out RAD, FAS, etc. It is just adjusting to America, two new siblings, a Mom & a Dad! She was in the system since she was 2 and came out alittle over 8 y/o. She also has the NEED to be #1 in EVERYTHING!!! THis of course cannot happen in her new family, or school... so they have been working on this too. Luckily, my Sister is a stay at home Mom, and has alot of time to devote and work on these issues. I love my niece, but she is very hard to be around sometimes, and my DD loves her too, but sometimes she is not nice to her either. It will all work out, but there are many different scenerios, and you never know what one you may bring home. My biggest issue is, that now that my DD is settled in.... and maturing (keep in mind, that when adopting an older child from Russia, which is my only experience), they are approx. 2 years younger (emotionally, mentally, etc.) then their actual age. My DD is catching up, and probably about an 8 y.o now. School is difficult.... she is in 2nd grade, and she is still behind in catching on, comprehending, etc. Her orphanage (and others in Russia), do not start the children in school until they are almost 8 years old. There is no pre-school or kindergarden in the system. If a child has a 'Wonderful' caregiver, etc. they may get a jump start before they turn 8, but mostly not. My DD had 4 months in Russian 1st grade, and then 4 months in American 1st grade. Now in 2nd grade, she continues to struggle, but all are confident that she will catch up. Her English is AMAZING, and she still shocks me everyday with something. I'm sorry that I have rambled on soooo.

[momm2be]

When I met my daughter she was 5 1/2. I became her mother several days after her 6th birthday. We have now been home one year.

To simplify the story, it has been a hectic and challenging year. I am looking forward to the start of year 2 which is supposed to be easier. It has also been an extremely rewarding and moving year. I feel this child has forced me to change in many good ways that I would never have done on my own.

Would I do it again -- YES! My only regret is that I only brought home 1 child. I would love her to have a sibling in our house but the idea of going through the whole process again is daunting.

I could not imagine life without this child - this particular child. Though she can be challenging and argumentative, she can also be extremely sweet and thoughtful. She is Mommy's little girl - almost a mini-me.

Things you could expect:
Expression of feelings in ways we don't see as normal - ie screaming for minor things. I found out through time that my daughters russian family communicated in screams. Not a great way. THough she constantly screamed at me when we got home, screaming now extremely frightens her.
Naivety - They don't understand the boundaries we place on kids here, ie stay close in the mall - Why?, Don't go out alone- Why?, Don't walk in the street -Why? Don't run away in the parking lot - Why?
Alot of these are American life rules that we have never been exposed to.
Wandering - my daughter had very little supervision prior to the children's home- she did not like being supervised 24-7
Homesickness- even though they do not live under great circumstances it is still their home. They will miss their home, friends, dreams of family returning will be squashed, they will miss their language, the taste of food there, etc.
Anger- they are the most important person in this process and have control over nothing. You know how crazy we get while waiting and we couldn't control what was going on - imagine what they feel
Arguing/Manipulating- this ties into their survival instincts and what made them resilient to the changes from family to children's home. They learned to stand up for themselves early on, and also how to handle people to get what they need.

What they like- the love and affection of a family, being special, consistency in the home, consistency at school, friends, good food, fun, etc.

Things that have worked - structure, structure and more structure. Along with an unlimited supply of hugs and kisses, cheers and support.

[lippylulu]

We adopted an 8 year old 7 weeks ago and our experience is almost identical to Momm2be's... Everything from the anger to the wandering and homesickness. She gets very easily frustrated. We sometimes use an online translator (luckily she reads well). She is in a regular classroom with ESL twice a day. She definitely does best with lots of structure so we have her in several activities. It is very hard at times but I can see how in 6 months to a year it will be much better! She is a remarkable child and able to take care of her personal hygeine totally independently. Homeworl is a real challenge even though they just have her doing hte math at this point. When I feel overwhelmed by the complex needs of an 8 year old with emotional issues, I remind myself---NO DIAPERS!!!

[Jim_in_PA]

I can only add that we experienced many of the things already mentioned by others during our month together with our soon-to-be-daughters (age 6 and age 10) this past July. (You can read a day-by-day replay of that in our BLOG at the address in my signature) I am expecting to re-live some of that once we get them home permanently in a few weeks and there may be other/new behaviors given this will be the "real deal", rather than just a visit. But I also know that beyond the learning of new customs, new expectations, new foods and a new environment, they will thrive and grow into wonderful women to be proud of...

[Javalita]

If you haven't already, also check frua.org for their chat/forum info.

[1moretime]

I adopted a then 7-yr-old boy July 2004. The first few months were very hard. He left the orphanage and decided it was his way or the highway. We still have control issues.

Would I do it again, in a heartbeat. He is very smart, funny, friendly and sweet.

He is doing very well in school. I did hold him back and place him in 1st grade last year instead of 2nd grade. But he is doing well. He is about 1 year behind in maturity.

He was speaking English very well within 3 months of living here. I also had just a spattering of Russian but he is very dramatic and could act out what he wanted to communicate. I also got a Russian/English dictionary and if I didn't know how to say something I would look it up, he would sound out the Russian version and I learned quite a bit of Russian that way and he learned English. This week his ESL teacher told me he no longer needs her services. We have also run into Russian adults who could not tell he was not a native American. By the way he does not remember 1 word of Russian. If I suddenly remember or use a Russian word, he looks at me like "what in the world are you saying please speak English". He just doesn't remember.

Just because a child is older doesn't mean they aren't a blessing from God. I truly believe God paired Alex and I up. We are too much alike not to be family. He is perfect for me.

Nancy

[HollyB]

With our first older child adoption, we adopted one four year old girl. The first six weeks there was an awful lot of defiant behavior, but now, two years later, she is an absolute sweetheart and we couldn't be happier. (can I brag here that she has just been placed in the Accelerated Reading program?!) Then, in July we brought home a sibling group. These three have never shown any grief over the loss of their "home", and I think it's because they continue to have each other. There are minor behavior problems we are working through. Our nine year old son believes boys are dominant over girls and he can be hard on his three younger sisters. He takes things away from them without asking. His two birth sisters are used to it and don't say anything, but Isabella doesn't let him get away with any of it. When we see this behavior we ask him to apologize. At first, he was so humiliated he would melt down, but now he understands we all apologize to anyone we have done wrong to, regardless of age or gender. We've only been home four months now, so we may have bumps ahead, but for now, things are wonderful.
I should add that we spent the first couple of months at home. We didn't take the children anywhere. We did hours and hours of holding. We read books and played games together as a family. Luckily, our other three children were up for it. Occasionally our older sons would go to a friend's house, but we kept our own home as quiet as possible. I don't know if this was absolutely necessary. I know other families that brought home their older children and started right up with outside activities and running around to amusement parks and their children are thriving, too. I'm sure you know there are oodles of books on the subject of older child adoption. You can search out and find some horrific stories of extreme behavior, but you can find many more stories of parents like me who have been blessed beyond belief by adopting an older child. Good luck in your search.