[kdk545]

Hi all,

Im needing some parenting/attachment/bonding type advice so of course I run here to these boards and you all! ;-)

We have been home with our 2 kids for 10-11 weeks now. Our daughter is 14 months old (but developmentally/physically more of a 10 month old) and our son is 2.4 years old. I am a stay at home mom.

My daughter has always been very needy and insecure, so I have to hold her most all of the time. I actually love it (I feel so blessed to have gotten "the baby" experience) but Im wondering if there are times that I should say no when she wants me to pick her up, which is almost constantly except for the couple of times during the day that she is occupied in a toy or with her brother.

Like the times I am cooking dinner for instance, or the times I absolutely have to be on the phone (talking to the pediatrican, the adoption agency) or the times I need to brush my teeth! ;-)

She will cry and cry and put her arms out to me with this pained look on her face and I just melt. But there are just those times I cant hold her and its hard for me to say no. And yes, I give her toys to distract her, I give her some fish crackers whatever....but I am always right there in the same room with her and sometimes she cant even handle that--she wants only to be held.

Now I know all the attachment advice and Ive read all the 'biggie" books, and they essentially say to induldge them as if they are newborns, cater to their whims etc.

But at what point does she have to learn "Mommys arms are busy now, you will not die if she doesnt hold you, you are OK by yourself right now." ???

It breaks my heart when she cries like that, but its just not possible to hold her all the time (and she hates the baby carrier idea, so that didnt work.)

Thanks for any/all advice.

PS I do remember in one of the attachment books, it said something like "you dont have to meet all their whims, just make sure you are constantly meeting their needs." Isnt needing to be held a need?

[britfish]

great question! I have been wondering the same thing so I'm glad you asked it so well. It seems I am always giving in to whines and although I want her to be well attached I don't want to have a spoiled rotten child on my hands. I look forward to the response!

[Ktates]

Aisling was like this when we first got her - screamed bloody murder unless I held her (and wanted nothing to do with DH - screamed even more if he came near her). So gradually I started sitting her in my lap, leaning against me (rather than my arms around her). Then when she seemed ok with that - usually within a day or two - I would sit her right next to me on the couch or on the floor - she would still be touching me - that's how close I sat next to her. Then I would sit her next to me but with a little space between us. All of this time I would be constantly reassuring her that I was right here for her. Every day things got a little tiny bit better and I would say within a few weeks it was much easier.

Of course if she needs something or just a hug or has a boo boo I pick her up right away and she gets plenty of holding time. This just helped with her wanting to be held constantly. Your situation is tougher where you have another one at home too! Hang in there!
Karen

[votemom]

it's very hard to define just what is actually NEED and what is just manipulation. hopefully the longer you have her, the more you will be able to "read" her.

[angelkisses0102]

***Warning....I'm talking attachment.***

She will cry and cry and put her arms out to me with this pained look on her face

That's the answer to your question...she NEEDS to be held....

Alex is held more than he isn't...if he asks for 'uppa'....uppa he gets...he still doesn't truly believe that I will not leave him...

We are home 19 months...Alex has insecure/anxious attachment...if you want my personal, experienced attachment struggled Mom advice...she is no where near ready to be told no...but only you know your child...I believe I've offered you this info before, but PM me if you want more info on attachment struggles in infants and toddlers...

You have been home a very short period of time in relation to the attachment process...not all kids transition easily...I believe 18 months is the time frame quoted in Attaching in Adoption...

Are you using a Hip Hammock?

Use it for what's it's worth for you...but it is so much easier to address the attachment front now....it just gets harder for everyone involved once you've been home longer.

[votemom]

great response karen - thanks!

[angelkisses0102]

A couple of tips...

~Alex sits on the bathroom counter while I brush my teeth/get ready. I am right there so he doesn't fall and I make a big deal about him sitting up there.

~Alex also sits on the kitchen counter when I am doing things in the kitchen...that are safe. We put one of those Step 2 play kitchens in our kitchen and I have him 'cook' while I am near the stove...he knows to stay away then...too dangerous. Honestly, I do not cook much anymore...I may prep everything or clean up but DH does the *hot* stuff...because of Alex.

~I let Alex talk on an old cell phone while I am on the phone....I do hold him most of the time though.

Probably not what you want to hear...but after a while, you just get used to holding them and you will be amazed at what you can do while holding a toddler....

One thing I strongly suggest starting now is talking to her about Mommy not leaving....about being scared, etc. I wish I would have started talking to Alex sooner... It really does help them to hear over and over and over again that we WILL be there.....

Karen

[tigger44]

I agree with Karen, 10-11 weeks is a very short time to be home and start encouraging independence in your children. Hold your daughter as much as she needs you to, and use the Hip Hammock, if you can. I also like the suggestion to hold her on your lap, then on the floor, etc., with gradual steps of seperation and comfort. It will get easier, although I know it's hard now. It is very important to address the attachment issues now, rather than worse problems later. I have some good tips from Deborah Gray that I'll PM you.

[kdk545]

Thanks everyone for your input and advice. I appreciate the time it takes to respond to these posts, especially to include outside info and resources. I admire the expertise that we find on these boards that come directly from our own experiences.

But, I guess I didnt make myself all that clear, and/or there is no clear cut answer to my specific question.

I do all the things that you suggested, as well as include what the attaching in adoption books suggest (Daniel Hughes, Deborah Gray, Holding Time, Toddler Adoption etc etc)

I am a SAHM so Im home all day with the children, and throughout the day we do all kinds of the attachment stuff, and I do hold my daughter almost constantly.

I get down on the floor and play with them in 15-20 minute incriments throughout the whole day, I rock each of them separately before nap and bedtime (and thats after reading 2-3 books while sitting on my lap), I massage them, rub their backs, I kiss, cuddle and hug a million times through the day, I make sure to talk softly and smile often, I give them loving eye contact, we stay home a lot of the time, I give them special kitchen toys and their own drawer while Im cooking in the kitchen, we play peek a boo and hide and seek, they are free to be in the bathroom with me while we all brush our teeth, wash up.....they sit on my bed while I get dressed, every meal we sit close and face each other while I feed them, I use sign language with them.....

You get the point. Sorry to go on and on, but I can recite attachment stuff like there is no tomorrow!

I guess I was looking for something like, "well, IF AFTER DOING ALL THE ABOVE STUFF CONSISTENTLY but at times you need to get dinner finished, or you need to brush your teeth to get out the door..... but your daughter insists on being held, then 2 out of 3 times induldge her in this, but the 1 time let her get over it knowing you are right there for her....."

or "pick her up, give her a kiss, then put her back down again and keep repeating every minute or so...."

As a matter of fact, maybe I will try my own last two suggestions!