[DebiP]

As we continue to wait...UGH... we have been talking alot about attachment and ourselves. Today it dawned on me that my 4 year old might have issues all his own (not necessarily attachment) that he will need help overcoming when our new child comes home. I am pretty sure I can handle the 'regular sibling issues' but wondered if there were adoption specific issues that might arise. Has anyone encountered anything I should be or could be working on with DS now?

On the flip side DS is EXTREMLY EXCITED for his brother or sister to come home, though he is convinced it is a boy and so are we. He talks about him like he is here just on vacation from us and prays for him to come home safely every night. I think he is ready too!!

If any of you have any pearls of wisdom you wouldn't mind parting with I will gladly accept them.

Thanks for your support and help...

[votemom]

Four is kind of a hard age. They are old enough to understand more than toddlers, yet not old enough to understand all the family dynamics that are going to come into play.

I think it's important to try and explain that there will be many days when he is very happy about having a new sibling. But there will be days when he may think it was a bad idea to adopt a new sibling.

He needs to know that those feelings are going to come. He needs to know that there will be days when you are going to be very, very tired and perhaps may not be as patient or "happy" as he may be used to. This doesn't mean that your love for him has changed.

Change IS coming and it can be exciting but it can be hard. Even though he's little, I think using phrases like "in our family, we help each other out even on hard days", and "in our family, even when we are mad at each other, we still love each other and treat each other the way we know is right", and "in our family, we take care of each other", and "I'm so glad God chose both you and _____ to be in our family - that was a GOOD idea He had, even though it can be hard, God knew we could handle it and He will help us."



I've heard of some families who for the first year or so, carve out a special time with the first child with either mom or dad (or rotate perhaps), when they can regularly connect privately and talk honestly about what they are feeling and experiencing. I think it's such a good idea.

[DebiP]

Well thank you for your reply Votemom. I appreciate your time and wisdom. I was hpping for more information. Maybe I am the only one in this situation. Thanks again

[angelkisses0102]

Hi...

We have adopted twice from Russia...Arianna was 2.5 when we brought Alex home...it was tough on her for a while...oops...gotta run...I'll post more later..

[KimOH]

We just got back from Russia with our 17-month old daughter. Our son, adopted at 12 months of age in 2001, was just a few days shy of 5 years old when we returned.

I had talked to other people who had brought home number 2. They told me to expect the first six months to be pretty tough. The new baby will be in "survival mode" and the older child will be viewed as competition. The older child might slip back into survival mode...or, if there were any attachment issues, they might be magnified. (I was worried about this. Although I think my son is "attached" he gets uncomfortable if he doesn't know where you are/what the plan is.)

Like your DS, my DS was very excited about the prospect of a sibling. Also like your DS, my DS was convinced it would be a boy. When we got the referral for a little girl, my DS's first reaction was "A girl?! Now I'm mad!" (We came to find out, DS wanted to be the "big brother". For some reason, he though he only got to be the big brother if he had a little brother. He thought he had to be the big sister if he had a little sister...and he didn't want that. Once we told him that he got to be the big brother no matter what, he was totally on board with a girl. You wonder how their little minds work, don't you?!)

Anyway, we did a lot of the things that Votemom said "It might not always be fun, but in our family we still love each other and take care of each other." I must say though that my DS has really stepped up to the plate. I am *so* proud of how he's been acting. He's needed a little extra attention and we've tried to make some "big brother allowances." (He gets to stay up 1/2 hour later than she does. We put some cool new shelves in his room for him to keep his "big boy toys" that he doesnt want her to touch, etc.) But he's really surprised me. He also likes to feed her cheerios and make her laugh -- he gets a big kick out of the fact that she laughs at his silly antics!

That's not to say that it's been totally smooth sailing. He seems to need his attention at the same time she needs something. He did tell me once that he wanted her to "go away" and that he didn't want to be five, he wants to be three. So we had a nice talk and he seems to be doing better. I keep waiting for the novelty to wear off and the other shoe to fall, but we've been home three weeks and <knock wood> it's going better than I could have imagined.

I also think "psyching myself up" that the first six months would be *really* hard and I would probably be questioning my sanity has helped. Even on the rough days I can still say "It's a lot better than I imagined!"

Good luck! Hope you get news soon!

Kim

[emjay]

It sounds like you've been prepping your son well.

We brought our son home 6 weeks ago, and we also have a 4.5 yo DD. She had been excitedly waiting for a little brother through our 17-month process, and we had done as others have posted - talked about how he would need some of our attention, and that we love each other and help each other no matter what, even when it's hard or we don't feel like it, etc. She was beyond thrilled when we brought him home. But, we quickly saw something we hadn't expected...she was disappointed that at 12 months he couldn't "do" more. It seems she was expecting him to be more like her best friend's little sister who is 2.5. And she was really blue about the attention we gave him. But she took out her anxieties on us not him, with some negative behavior (under the all attention is good theory), but that's improved significantly.

DH and I made sure she was still getting lots of attention, but she had to get used to not having all of it. (and by the way, our DS gets mad when I pay attention to DD - even if I'm just brushing her hair! And in a twisted way, that helps DD - she sees that there are times when she gets the attention over DS) She is very verbal, so she told us when she felt sad that we were focusing too much on DS and we talked about what babies need. We are so proud of how well she's doing now! Things don't always go smoothly, but it's much, much better. When she hears him wake up from a nap, she's the first to go in and talk to him - she has a little stool next to the crib so they can see eye to eye. And he adores her - she brings toys to him and he toddles after her everywhere. She now realizes what he can and cannot do, and delights in "teaching" him things.

I also try to do some cuddling every day with BOTH of them snuggled up on my lap. Aside from how wonderful it feels, I hope it will help them realize that Mommy can be "shared".

I hope you hear soon, so your little guy can put his big brother ideas into reality!

- Maura

[angelkisses0102]

OK, where was I???

Arianna was 2.5 when we brought Alex home...but she is extremely verbal and was more on a 4ish year old level at that point. She was very excited about getting a baby brother...until she realized she had to share mommy. Our process for Alex was less than 4 months, totally unexpected, so we really didn't have time to prep her much.

Alex had very insecure/anxious attachment at first, I had to hold him constantly...and he cried alot. On our first post placement she told the SW that 'all he does is cry...I want him to go back to Russia.' I so wanted under the kitchen table!

Someone, somewhere told me this and I kept repeating in my mind...when you bring another child into the family...especially a non newborn...your child feels as you would if your DH brought home a new wife and said...nothing's changed. I still love you too.... In their little minds, it's probably even worse.

Because of the struggles with Alex, our first 5 to 6 months were rough...and then we moved. Once we got into a routine at the new house, things calmed...she even told me we could 'keep me.'

I lie down with her in her bed each night, after he is in bed...we watch TV, read, she does my hair...oh so pretty ...then we snuggle until she falls asleep. Lately, so do I...this is truly her only alone time with me during the week...on the weekends I try to do one just Mommy and her thing each day and her and daddy do something special too, just the two of them.

I try to include her in helping with Alex...it helps make her feel special...we talk about how some babies need their mommy's more than others and that Alex is one of those babies. I tell her she will always be my baby girl, even when she grows up...and she simply loves it.

They have so, so much fun together now. My house is like romper room some days, but it is a house full of laughter and screams and 'he pulled my hair', 'Yaya (his nickname for her) tickled me' etc....

Good luck...they do adjust...sometimes it just takes time....sounds like you are doing a great job with so much preping!!!

[BD2884]

Thanks for all the wonderful information. We are currently in Moscow waiting to come home on Tuesday/ OUr son will be three next month and we are bringing home an 18 month sister for him. I have a feeling that he is going to revert back big time.

As we talked about having a new member in the family over the past few months, he started the slide and wanted to go back on the bottle, which I did let him have for a short time. So I am expecting even more of this behavior. How much should I tolerate? I want him to know that he is loved, that will never change, but that Shayna is truly a member of the family, etc. He will get extra mommy and daddy time but how far should I let him take it. I have a feeling that he will try to go as far back as possible--but I am not sure if it is a good idea or not. I just want to do what is best for him, of course.

Any other suggestions for helping him through this tough time would be appreciated.

Bari

[kretzklan]

Our bio is 9 and we are bringing home a 7 and 6 (boy and girl). He seems very excited and we've talked alot about it and included him in all the decisions (including names for new brother and sister)...but one thing I've done without him knowing is had other children the ages of our new ones in our home for "playdates". He just thinks that Mom is working with their mom and he needs to play with them a while. I've loved seeing how wonderful he is with the younger ones...teaching them things, talking to them about what they like to do. When a boy left yesterday, he said "isn't he the age of my new brother?" When I said yes...he said "I liked teaching him how to play darts and ping pong, I can teach my new brother and sister that too!". So I hope he'll remember that feeling when the sibling thing gets tough, as I'm sure it will. We've also assured him that he can continue to do the things he loves to do (for him, that's sports) and although things at home may get a little crazy...he still gets to keep his life outside! I know the ages are different...but I wanted to share!

[waxhawfamily]

OMG, was I not prepared for our almost 5 yr old's reaction .

I thought we had prepared him for his new brother, and he was very excited, right up until the first morning after we got home. We had been home about 12 hours when we first heard, "I want him to go back". Our newest DS was just over 2, our bio DS was 3 months shy of 5. #1 was not prepared for a child who he really couldn't play with (2's don't play 'with' well, and have different interests than 4/5's). He was also not prepared for a sib. who didn't want to play with him, but did want to touch and relocate all his stuff.

#1 became uncontrollably angry, and put us in therapy with him by the time we were home 1 month with #2. The main thing we pulled out of our therapy sessions was to reafirm #1 constantly. We were told to keep all our emotion out of our discipline (which is hard when you're tired and frustrated), and to keep the tone in our home low and pleasant. We got the book, The Five Love Languages for Children by Gary Chapman. We use some of each language with both boys daily.

Now, 4 1/2 months later, we have eased out of the anger with #1 and are now in to what we assume is normal sibling rivalry. On that note, we too thought we could deal with rivalry without much effort - not so . That constant back and forth bickering, 'he did this, he touched that', that's mine, it's my turn, why did he get more, why did you look at him first, why did you smile at him longer, etc............................................... .................................................. .............. It just never ends , or so it seems.

This isn't a negative post (although this statement may be hard to believe). I ablsolutely LOVE having two children, and #2 is just a cutie pie!! My point is to be prepared and get help ASAP if you need it. We were headed in the wrong direction very fast. If we hadn't gotten help, I'm sure our issues with #1 would have had negative effects on the attachement process for #2.

Out of everything they both complain about, the one thing that they both love, always, is sharing a room. I would recommend this to anyone with same gender children remotely close to the same age.

Have fun with your own #2. We are really enjoying our new addition.

[DebiP]

I should have known that given time the information I was seeking would surface on this board. Thanks for all your input guys and gals and keep it coming. I will take all I can get. I need to learn more about the five languages book.....

Thanks again all your information it is so good to read. We really are not alone...we have each other.

[votemom]

the love languages book is excellent. they have it for couples, for teens, and for singles too.

basically the premise is that we all have a "language" that we speak to show love and a "language" we understand to receive love.

if my child perceives love by words of affirmation, but i am doling out love in my language of gift giving, he is not receiving the message of my love.

some kids need touch - that's their love language.
some people need acts of service - that's how they FEEL loved.

so the key is to find out what language of love your child needs from you, and focus on communicating to him/her with that language.

it's really true - we all have a certain way we feel valued, validated and loved.

the teen version is GREAT!!!!!! during adolescence, you definitely want to maximize on the love languages as you and your child wade thru all the "stuff" that this phase brings.

[lakimnafite]

I am so glad to see this post! We have recently thought that our DS (6 yrs old) has some attachment issues. We are working on those (have an upcoming eval with an attachment therapist), and I hope to really have a handle on it before we bring home his little sister.

I am actually a bit relieved now that we didn't bring home a baby before we realized what was going on.. Thank goodness for these Russian delays (who said that...? was that me...? )!

So, I appreciate all the ideas and hope to see more!

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by BD2884

Thanks for all the wonderful information. We are currently in Moscow waiting to come home on Tuesday/ OUr son will be three next month and we are bringing home an 18 month sister for him. I have a feeling that he is going to revert back big time.

As we talked about having a new member in the family over the past few months, he started the slide and wanted to go back on the bottle, which I did let him have for a short time. So I am expecting even more of this behavior. How much should I tolerate? I want him to know that he is loved, that will never change, but that Shayna is truly a member of the family, etc. He will get extra mommy and daddy time but how far should I let him take it. I have a feeling that he will try to go as far back as possible--but I am not sure if it is a good idea or not. I just want to do what is best for him, of course.

Any other suggestions for helping him through this tough time would be appreciated.

Bari

Bari~
CONGRATS on your new daughter!! As for regressing back...
Arianna did regress back. I did not make a big deal out of it. She wanted a bottle, she got a bottle, she wanted to wear a diaper, I put one on her...

I tried to focus on her more as being the 'big' sister....Mommy's helper. But also that she will always be my 'baby girl.' It didn't last long.

Plus, I still do a lot of attachment parenting with both kids...I still feel 'bad' for what they missed as infants so I think that has helped to...

Good luck...and CONGRATS!!