[Vicki H]

My surgery is now only two weeks away. I will be in the hospital for 2-3 days following the procedure , then for the most part out of commision for several weeks.

Alex loves his Daddy, but is a momma's boy ,especially at night or when he is hurt. We both bathe him and do things for him, but I lay with him for a bit everynight as he will not stay in bed unless I do this, dh cannot fit in Alex's bed.

When he wakes up durig the night, which does not happen everynight , he wants me.

I fear he is going to have a very hard time with Mommy out of the house for a few days, and not being able to do things for him, like his bath and laying in bed with him for several weeks.

Any suggestions? I know that maybe I should just stop laying in bed with him, but this is the only time he slows down and spends time with me lately.

Thanks,
Vicki

[maddensmom]

Good luck with your surgery, Vicki.
I just thought that maybe Alex could have a buddy over for the night. Maybe an older buddy who has slept out already. Kids then want to mimic the older kid and usually do things they normally wouldn't. Also, if you are able, maybe you could call him. Could a favorite relative stay over as well?
Or maybe Dh could take him on his first "camping trip" in the living room and they could sleep in a tent. There are some really inexpensive ones at most toy stores. Then, since your Dh sounds like a big guy, only his upper torso would have to actually be in there. They could stay up late and make cocoa and smores and watch a favorite video form the tent. Dh could also string Christmas lights in the room to create "stars," and without knowing it Alex would get a nightlight. Maybe this could become their thing to do in the future...
I hope some of this is helpful.

[momm2be]

When I travel - a little different scenario but some similarities - I have found it is easier for Nat if make the week about her. We set a time to call, set up a prize system to do things she normally doesn't do. I have used Chuck E Cheese tokens, quarters, lip gloss.

Last week I was gone for 5 days/4 nights, She had the goal of earning 15 hip hop points (ie Points towards taking a hip hop class at the Y)

Also I overscheduled her - every night she had something special happening with friends or family members - she was not home much at all either.

This took the emphasis off me being gone, and put her in the spotlight -- ie her lucky week - she got to eat dinner at her friends house twice! go out to dinner with her aunt, go out to dinner with my boyfriend alone -(that was a big deal for her).

Explain to Alex something really simple - like mommy's belly hurts so she can't hold you for x days - every day that you help mommy but walking or sitting next to you instead of on you - give him a quarter or a Chuck E Cheese token or whatever "currency" he understands.

So if you wind up buying 20 matchbox cars --- it will still be worth it if he sees this as a challenging game vs something he can't have.

[Kasey]

I like Tracy's camping suggestion, try to make it fun for him, also call him to talk to him at night.
Another idea one of my patient's used to do, was take the child's favorite stuffed animal and dress it as you--let Alex help pic out the shirt for the animal to wear, so it smells like you and they can sleep with that.

best wishes with your surgery--I hope the surgery and your recovery goes very smoothly!!!!

[angelkisses0102]

I like the camping idea too. Can he sleep in your bed with DH the night you are away? Maybe he can sleep in your bed once you come home? I know, another 'bad idea/bad habit to break' but hey, he's gonna miss his Mommy...

I would just start explaining that even though you will be away, you will be coming back. Talk to him about his feelings and just reassure him that yuo will be back, it will be different for a little while but then things will be 'normal' again...

Do you have a Build-A-Bear around...they have lots of great dress ups for the bears and maybe you could get a doctor or nurse one?

Also, maybe a little doctor kit for him so he can take care of you....

Best of luck with the surgery!!!

[Shoshana]

Hi Vickie:

If you schedule activities and friends, you could possibly compound his stress -- he could be tired and over-stimulated in addition to missing you.
I would keep your routine as normal as possible prior to going into the hospital with one exception -- prior to going into the hospital, have your husband assume more of the responsibilities. I'd start gradually this week, and then next week, let him be in charge of feeding, changing, putting to bed, etc. I know it will be hard for you -- you can participate in these activities, but let dad be the primary caregiver.

Best wishes & a speedy recovery.

[EJsDad]

What seems to comfort our kids are pictures of us. When we first left them with the grandparents, we had scrapbooks (leftover life books/dear birthmother albums) that had pictures of us, the house, the pets, etc. that both of our kids just loved to look at. Whenever Alex is looking for you, maybe Daddy can "read" him the scrapbook or review the pictures with him (as a diversion) to make him feel better? Maybe you have an adoption book with everyone's pictures? Ethan loves to look at that and to review his adoption story.

Robert

[pwnort64]

Maybe you can help by starting to talk about some of the things that will be happening in the next few weeks. While he doesn't necessarily have any concept of time (3 days from now, or even tomorrow), I think it will help him if, when Mommy isn't home for a few days, he can remember that you told him you were going to be gone but that you were definitely coming back. I've had to travel a few times for work and that's what I"ve done with Henry. He doesn't understand it at the time that I tell him, but then he remembers and will tell my friend who is watching him "mommy, big airplane".

Also, it's going to be hard once you are home and not able to help him as much. He won't get that. But again, try explaining as best as you can starting ahead of time. And, maybe you won't be able to give him his bath, but maybe you could sit in the bathroom while Daddy gives him his bath. Try to stay involved even if you need to be on the outskirts.

Maybe plan a few new toys to give him during this time also as distractions from the changes in his normal routine.

[drazil65]

Hi Vicki, the best of luck with your upcoming surgery and a speedy recovery. Could you possibly arrange for Alex (I do not know if he has ever spent the the night away but if he already has) to spend the night say at Grandma's or your sister so he can have a special night with cousins? This would take up one of the nights but I would only do this if he has already been away at night, the other alternative is a sleepover at your house with a favorite cousin maybe. The other thing you could do is get a build a bear with a voice recorder to or picture of you with a recorder. Maybe read him a story while recording or have soothing words for him to hear if he wakes up. Make it a fun time for him by pretending he is the doctor and he will take care of you when you come home, he is in charge of making sure you don't move or pick up anything, if he feels like he is helping you get better then he might feel better about the situation. This is a tough one, good luck.

[Vicki H]

Thank you all for your great ideas. I think I am worried a bit more about Alex than myself.

[erickk]

We have friends and she has to travel for work every once in awhile. The kids get to sleep in Mama and Daddy's bed as a special treat when this happens.


We are concerned about our son when we travel to Russia and are doing a couple of things to help him out:
Reading his favorite bedtime books on tape so he can play them before bed
Leaving him notes (he loves it when he gets a special not from Daddy when he has to work at night)
Call as much as possible

I had surgery and Eli could not sit in my lap (he was 3 then) for about a month. Also, I could not pick him up. I had him sit next to me-and when he needed to be picked up for comfort I just sat down and hugged him. It was not the greatest set up-but it was all I could do.

I hope your recovery goes well so you can all get back into the routine. Who knows, it might give Alex a chance to try out doing some of those Mama only things with your husband. Eli never used to let Jim put him to bed-same thing-Daddy does not fit. But they started a routine where they would toss pillows on the floor and read and then Eli would hop into bed when it was time to go to sleep. Do not know how many times I have had to go wake up Jim so he would not wake up with a stiff back the next morning. Eli still prefers Mama, but at least now he will let Jim put him to bed without a total meltdown.

[ddahl]

Can you take him on a afield trip to the hospial? and say Mommy has to sleep here for two days and you get to sleep woth Daddy! Mommy will call you and we can have a secret chat on the phone won't that be fun?
I might also have your DH put him down at night with you and then without you several nights before you go into the hospital.

It must be such a worry! Good luck with everything and we will say a prayer for you for a speedy recovery!

[Vicki H]

Well, Ddahl, that would be a good idea, but I work for the same hospital so Alex associates it with Mommy already.

Great idea though.

Vicki

[momm2be]

I don't think at Alex's age its really a great idea to see mommy sick at a hospital. He probably should stay home, as much as you will miss him = it can be really frightening to see Mommy not feeling well.

MY nephew was 3 when his brother was born and was freaked out for weeks about seeing his mom in a hospital gown

[Vicki H]

That's a tough call. He has been to the hospital before to see my grandfather and he did pretty well, although that wasn't Mommy.

I am planning on taking my own PJ's which Alex is familiar with.

I think my biggest concern about him coming to visit, is that everytime I am sick he lays with me and climbs on me and he may want to do that this time and he won't be able to.

Good point, I will talk to my dh and see what he thinks also, it may be better for me to call him.

Vicki