[pahlsm]

Hello all. I am writing with a heavy heart and not really wanting to admit my feelings but feel as though I need to get it out and thought or rather hoped that I am not the only one that has or is going through this. I am so happy to be a mom. Emma is a wonderful child and a very easy toddler... The problem is that I work from home a few hours a week and try to be the SUPER mom-wife-employee. I get so overwheelmed with the thought of failure that I simply don't do anything because I am so afraid of failure. All I really want it to enjoy Emma when she is awake, catch up on the house when she is asleep and enjoy some TV once everyone is in bed for the night... what really happens as I spin my wheels not getting any of this done go from thing to thing never accomplishing anything as I feel guilty when I am doing one thing that I should be doing the other. I feel bad when I am trying to get things done and not on the floor with Emma playing and enjoying her. The constant nag in my mind of the work that needs done to the house to the millions of things that I had hoped to do on the Extra things list is driving me crazy. I want to get out of the house and go to the play ground... enjoy play groups talk to other moms... but all the STUFF here keeps me in and then the depression starts. I stay up at night watching tv so that tomorrow might no come so soon. I am on edge with my DH and he is under enough stress at his job that once I bite is head off for no reason I then beat myself up over that and can't get passed it. Then there is the "where is the mom" time that I want yet I don't want. I had 10 years of that why should I feel as though I need that... I do but I feel so bad wanting it. Oh please tell me this will pass. We have been home for 8 months now and the as my aunt said "Honeymoon" is over... reallity hits and this is what is left over. I love Emma and she is wonderful it is all the other crap that is in the way. Thanks for letting me vent, Kathleen

[angelkisses0102]

PM me if you would like info on PAD's...Post Adoption Depression. I have it...I did a post a while ago on this subject. Use it for what's it's worth for you...
Do you know what PAD's Is?

PM me if you would like to just chat with someone who has BTDT...

HUGS!!!

[stephw3boys]

gosh could I write volumes on this topic. But I dont have time....right now.
First and foremost - you are NOT alone. SAHM and WAHMs have it really tough. And the more you are isolated, the worse it is. You need to prioritze getting out - even if it is a playgroup. Just make sure the moms are not all "supermoms" cause that can make you feel more inferior.
I dont know if what you feel is PAD, or just being overwhelmed and having no network in place yet.

[Beaglepup]

I know what you mean. And I think we are both normal! I work full-time from home and just went back to work 3 weeks ago. It is SO very difficult. I have a sitter that comes 3 mornings a week, I take Mila to my mom's one day a week and the other day I have her here and work around it. I really want to be a total stay at home mom, but the finances won't allow for it.

From what my other 'mom' friends have told me, we just have to somehow try to not feel guilty. Like you, I want some alone time, but would be miserable without her as well. It's a delicate balance that I'm not sure you ever truly get.

Granted we've only been home for 3.5 months, so who knows what the future holds.

I just think you have to understand that it's ok to feel the way you are feeling. We have been having issues with Mila not sleeping at night [she used to sleep wonderfully] so I'm very much on edge and bite my DHs head off all the time. We have to try and somehow not stress about some of the household stuff. We won't die if the house isn't spotless. However, the clutter is what get's me stressed. Another area I just have to learn to deal with.

Good luck with everything. Try to get more rest instead of staying up late maybe. IT may put things in a new perspective.

[suburbanmomgw]

Kathleen!!! Something just had me stop in just now... I KNOW what you feel! You guilt yourself out for all kinds of stuff! The old saying "you can't eat an elephant whole" comes to mind. I suggest setting a timer for each thing...like 15 min. in the floor with Emma then 15 min. doing a house chore--then 15 min. working. Back to Emma etc. I have begun that lately and it really helped me. Plus, I had no idea how much work I can get done in 15 min. when I just focus on it. The "trick" (if there is one) is to let some things go. And to feel good about what you DID do, not bad about what you didn't.

I don't say all of that to discount the depression as very real! Seek help. I still (1 1/2yrs later) talk regularly with a counsellor who is familliar with adoption/family stuff. She has been and still is a great help to me.

Also, you know you can call me! I am a willing listener my friend!

[MustangLippy]

I started to respond to this twice and just couldn't express myself properly. I think feeling overwhelmed is something many Moms cope with whether they be WAHM's, SAHM's or working out of the house Moms. A lot of it depends on personality, personal expectations and the support of DH.

I very much related to your description of feeling so overwhelmed you get into a state of paralysis. I get that too. I amaze myself when I think of how much I accomplish in a day (DH would never cope) but then I realize how much there is to do that I haven't done and sometimes I just seek solace in a book or the TV and try to ignore the demands of reality. That just makes it worse as then more things pile up and more guilty you feel.

Add onto this the stress of adoption, the euphoria and then the slide back into reality and your whole system has undergone a big shock.

Don't let it spiral out of control. It sounds like its something that has you in its grip and you feel like this the majority of the time. Can you seek some help? Is there someone you can talk to (a professional)? Do you have a SO? Are they aware how you are feeling? Can they help?

Sometimes I feel that lists help. Then I can see the chores disappearing (as new ones appear) but at least I feel I am not forgetting something. Or I set myself a goal of getting "such and such" done this weekend. Then when you get that thing done, however small, you feel you've achieved something.

I hope you get a lot of responses from APs with good suggestions. And know you are not alone.

MustangLippy

[spaypets]

((Kathleen)). First, the goal is never perfection. Stop being so hard on yourself and concentrate on just enjoying this time.

If the p-t job is overwhelming, can you quit? If the housework is a distraction, can you hire a cleaning service?

Get out of the house and go to the playground, for goodness sake. So what if the house isn't vacuumed? Save it for a raining day or early in the a.m. or when Emma naps.

You know, Emma won't remember (and likely won't appreciate it) if you dust every week, but she will remember the day you went apple picking, or let her stay up to catch fireflies, or when you planted sunflowers, or when you raked the leaves and jumped in them, or carved pumpkins, or let her knead her own loaf of bread.

Or, here's a suggestion, turn your chores into games with Emma--teach her to sort laundry by teaching her colors. Dust while dancing. Give her her own toy vacuum and she can help you.

[Kasey]

Kathleen--vent away!!! I am so glad you are because so many people dont and keep it in.
Everything you are feeling and thinking is completely normal and I am sure almost everyone here has felt or feels the same way.
Here is what I think--for those of us who were married awhile and had/have careers, we were used to it just being us, getting all our work done, handling things, multitasking and still having our date nights and girls nights out for years--then it all changes over night--you go through all the emotions.
I was home for 3 months with Alek, it was great, I had lots of time with him, he took two naps, one I would nap with him, the other I would get work done, I cleaned, cooked, I was organized and having fun, I felt like June Cleaver!! It was great, then back to work--I kept trying to do it all because I was superwoman, June Cleaver/working mom--I totally crashed and burned!! I felt like you did, I couldn't get it all done and I was taking it out on DH, but mainly I was mad at myself because I thought I was incompetent--I finally had to take a step back and realize what was important. Spending time with Alek when I get home!!
One thing--no laundry for me during the week--DH and I take turns throwing loads in and folding on sat and sunday mornings.
Keep dinners simple and easy, less than 30 minutes to prepare.
Cleaning--dusting and vacuuming again wait until the weekends (still working on DH to let me get a cleaning lady!!), but we take turns.
When I let go and realized I didn't need to do this all to be happy and that my son could care less if the laundry was done or my windows were sparkling clean, it was easier to just come home and relax. Working together with DH helps too, he realizes that he has to do more housework, so I cook, he does dishes, he plays with Alek while I cook and I get the little man when he cleans up. It has been so much nicer now.
As for the clutter, my dining room has now become the clutter room, because I can shut the doors, so they excess junk mail, magazines, stuff from Alek's school all goes there and is dealt with on weekends.
The only thing we definitely do is clean up the family room and mainly that consists of putting toys in the toys box and books back in his shelf--I used to try and do that perfectly, now it doesn't matter, it never mattered to Alek either, he has more fun digging thru the box to see what he can find.
Talk with your DH and see if you guys can work together on some things to help alleviate your stress, get out when you can , even if it is for a quick movie or dinner.
No one is grading you on this so you don't have to prove anything to anyone, just make things easier on yourself!!
if you make changes and are still feeling blue, dont hesitate in discussing it with your doc or ask for a referral!! It is great you are talking about it and you are not alone!!!

[Vicki H]

I know how you feel. I have gone through the same thing.
I do realize now how I can balance everything, but it took me time and medication.
PAD is real. I felt horrible and like a horrible mother for so long and I would beat myself up about thinking I should be happy and enjoying my son and I wasn't happy and wasn't enjoying myself.
I can now say that I am happy and I am enjoying my son.
Please pm me if you want info or if you want to talk,


Vicki

[angelkisses0102]

Yes, yes....get a cleaning lady and let the other stuff go. We got a cleaning lady, lawn service, and pool service...and lower your expectations...our time at home is for the kids....the other stuff doesn't matter anymore.

It does get better...

[drazil65]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The reality is that most IA adoptive moms do deal with these feelings at some point (this is a life changing event and for the most part we were clueless until it happened). For as long as most of us waited to become moms you would think that we would be in total bliss and dancing on clouds, then of course you feel soooo guilty for even thinking this way (we get pretty good at beating ourselves up). The truth is, it is really hard to go from zero kids to instant kid with no down time. You love this child to pieces but you are so overwelmed with everything that you start having the "I am a failure thought process" and it just snowballs (and of course you have all those wonderful family and friends that have never adopted telling you that "hey, this is what you wanted isn't it?'). Do not be afraid to get some help with this and Karen did post on this subject not too long ago. For me it turned out to be a eye opener to the fact that I needed to be home full time. Things turned around 100% for me after that and now I have a new normal at my house and things are good ! The best of luck with this, it will get better!

[SingleMama2B]

Help.... What does "WAHM & SAHM" mean???? Is is Work at home Mom's & Stay at Home Mom's???? I am a single, 1st time Mom, that works full time, and I know that I went through the "Let down" after we where settled in. I don't see how anyone going through the ENTIRE Adoption Process, couldn't have at least alittle "day after christmas" feeling. Mine didn't last tooooo long, and my daughter is older, but I find days that I want to leave work early and go pick her up from school and do something fun ) I cherish the weekends sooooo much! No schedule to follow, sleep, stay up, eat the wrong things (hehehe), watch a movie, shop til we drop.... it doesn't matter. I really believe that it will all pass, and maybe talking with someone, is a good idea. My sister and I talked back and forth, as she adopted an 8 year old at the same time I did. We REALLY understood eachother ) I really do think it is normal!!!!!!!

[erickk]

We are a family that cannot afford a cleaning service or lawn service. I am-make that was-an over-achiever. I have entered the world of "good enough" so I can have more time for DH, DS and myself. My idea of cleaning the bathroom is to have Eli splash a lot while he is playing in the bathtub and then using the towel to mop the floor. Believe me I would NEVER have done that 3 years ago. Our house was alway in order and I always had everything done early at work. Those days are gone. We now seem to live what I call the life of piles. Here is your pile-go put it away. Here is my pile (which I then just stick on top of the last pile I "put away"). Some times I look at my house and think-egad, who lives here. When people come over-cleaning now involves those areas where those people may go. DH and I both got depressed since we were both like that. We have gradually moved out of it and decided a lot of that stuff we thought was so important-we moved into the good enough category. We make sure the bills are paid, the house is not a health hazard (kidding!), and that we have plenty of time to play. But it is tough. It is an adjustment if you are one of those-what is it, Type A, people. If you think it is PAD it does not hurt to see your doctor. Try to cut yourself as much slack as you need. I wish you happiness and good enough.

Karen

[Kendal]

I don't know about you, but I felt terribly guility for some of my emotions after we adopted the girls. Here we had gone and done everything under the sun to become parents, then when it finally happened I felt that perhaps I did not derserve to feel frustrated, lonely, overwhelmed, etc. I have said this before, my biggest regret in life was not getting help when I needed it. Whether it's a cleaning lady, or some medication to help you through this time. It is important for you to do what is necessary to be happy, and enjoy your time as a mother. Take care.

[proudmommyof 2]

Hi again! We met at the airport at JFK when you were going to get your little sweetie.


I don't know if this would work or not, but is there a certain time each day that you could block off to work from home? If your dh comes home, can you block off 2 hours that is just for work? It just seems like maybe that could take away some of the guilt, because if you think of it as your working time, you couldn't spend it with Emma anyway.

As for the housework-forget it! As long as Emma has a clean place to play, don't worry about it. Your stuff looking nice for company isn't as important as you enjoying your little one.

I went through some mild PAD with Dennis. It was a feeling like you had-just exhaustion and being overwhelmed with what needs done. I haven't had it with Tommy at all. The difference? I realize now how fast the time goes and that in a year or two, he won't need me to watch over him and that I can clean or do things and leave him alone for a few minutes. Also, I think I care less about having the perfect house, and that's okay. I wash windows a couple of times a year. We have baskets right in the living room that we just pile toys in to get them off of the floor. No more organized toy shelves. We dust and run the sweeper, and I do the other cleaning when I feel like it. And to the casual observer, the house looks just as clean as it always did.

I hope that you can work through this!