[MustangLippy]

Sometimes some APs scare me that I should walk away from IA unless I am prepared to deal with severe problems in PI children.

However, my agency said that while we should view these children as special needs it is in varying degrees and that only about ten percent would have special needs that would take a toll on our family.

Which is the realistic picture?

Having been on this board for nearly a year now it seems that the majority of the APs have had a fairly smooth bonding process. And that most of the children are happy and healthy. Am I right? How has it been for you since you were home? How has your experience compared to all the things you worried about before you brought your child/ren home?

If I'd dwelled on everything that could go wrong I probably would never have had my bio son. So I'd like to get some perspective from those in the trenches.

MustangLippy

[aimeemk]

We were worried about many of the same things you talk about. I did stress quite a lot. I got through it with prayer. I also received counseling from my Pastor. I work in labor and delivery and so I have seen many life changing birth defects even to healthy mammas who followed all medical advice. The awards of being a parent (too me) outweighed the potential risks. I prayed for the health of my child all along. My sister is handicapped from a birth accident. I knew I could handle a child with special needs if I was called to do so.

My daughter is healthy and attaching well. She has blossomed since her arrival. She is loved by so many people. If something arrises I will get through it, because no matter how hard it is for me I KNOW IT IS 100 X harder for the one it affects.

By the way - I would not trade her for the WORLD!!!

[hadams]

“Sometimes some APs scare me that I should walk away from IA unless I am prepared to deal with severe problems in PI children.” This is true. No one should parent unless they are ready to deal with severe problems in their children. You never know what hand you will be dealt, and if you are not willing to play without a guarantee of getting an ace, you shouldn’t sit at the table. Before you have any child, bio or adopted, you have to be willing to commit to parent through thick and thin, through good and bad. A perfectly healthy child could land on their head at the playground and become profoundly special needs. So, yeah, if you aren’t prepared to deal with severe problems in PI children, you should walk away…(but not until you read the rest of my rambling post…)


“However, my agency said that while we should view these children as special needs it is in varying degrees and that only about ten percent would have special needs that would take a toll on our family.” This is true, too. There are definitely varying degrees of special needs. However, ALL adopted children have special needs that not all bio children do. Does that mean that all adopted children are “special needs” in terms of needing or qualifying for services? No. It means that adopted children (even domestic adopted children adopted at birth) have a whole different journey to travel that bio children will never know. And that journey itself is a special need that adopted children have. And, the journey that our PI kids from EE traveled on exposed them to a lot of risks and dangers that maybe some bio and some domestic adopted children didn’t face. Conversely, my children, who look like me (only they are a LOT cuter) won’t have some of the same needs that some of their adopted peers will from other countries. Special doesn’t mean bad, it just means different.

“Take a toll on your family” …there is a loaded statement. My children take a HUGE toll on my family. They sap my energy, define my every waking moment, dominate my dreams, spend my money, and set my goals. Does their status of IA change any of that? I’ll never know. They are who they are, and are who they are because of where they have been.

I often wish I could view my children through a machine like the one at the eye doctors. OK..this is your child with being institutionalized after birth, and this is your child with out, which is clearer. This is your child with no attachment problems, and this is you child without, which is more loving.

I can’t see the adopted version vs. the not adopted version so I’ll never know how much is a result of previous institutionalization, attachment issues, language issues, temperament, my parenting, their intelligence, and/or our personalities.

"Which is the realistic picture?" This is what is so hard for APs to consul PAPs on…because, as I keep stating, we see things differently.

"Having been on this board for nearly a year now it seems that the majority of the APs have had a fairly smooth bonding process. And that most of the children are happy and healthy. Am I right? How has it been for you since you were home? How has your experience compared to all the things you worried about before you brought your child/ren home?"

Well, let me do a check list…

Son home 4 years (almost)

"Fairly smooth bonding process": thought so, now I wonder. He loves me, I love him, he gives the best butterfly kisses and the warmest hugs, and he would hang the moon for me, and I for him. But I wonder if his need to control things might be seeded in an attachment thing. And, when he expresses his emotions, he is almost always “sad/mad/angry”….all grouped together….which breaks my heart to hear.

"Happy and healthy": Healthy: very. Happy: 95% of the time…but when he isn’t happy, he is so profoundly off.

"How has it been since we have been home?" Exciting, thrilling, tiring, loving.

"How has it compared to what I worried about?" In some ways, way easier, in some ways…not necessarily harder…but longer.

Daughter, home 18 months (almost)

"Fairly smooth bonding process": not smooth at all. Little miss lashed out at me with all the fury of an avenging angel whenever we were close.

"Happy and healthy": Healthy: very. Happy: yes!, now.

"How has it been since you have been home?" Exhausting, disruptive, frustrating, fearful, exciting, joyful, loving.

"How has it compared to what I worried about?" Harder than what I expected, but more rewarding. My son gave affection easy, I didn’t have to earn it, but it wasn’t genuine affection. My daughter gave affection grudgingly, I had to earn it, but it was true and genuine once given.

We are currently not seeking any outside help for our son. We are reading, monitoring, thinking, and changing the way we parent to try to help him lose his sad mad angry.

Our daughter is still way behind in speech, and qualifies for special services for speech. She may or may not be caught up in a year, we will have to see. Other than that, we are not seeking outside help for her.
I started this journey to parent in January of 2000. Other than a few small things, I would not change a thing about my journey, my family or my children. I can’t imagine any other children for me but these two, and can’t imagine these two any other way than the way they are.

I hope these boards and posts help you find the answer you are seeking.

[JLyle]

Originally Posted by MustangLippy

Sometimes some APs scare me that I should walk away from IA unless I am prepared to deal with severe problems in PI children.

However, my agency said that while we should view these children as special needs it is in varying degrees and that only about ten percent would have special needs that would take a toll on our family.

Which is the realistic picture?

I appreciate your asking this question. Like so many questions about the adoption process, it seems to me that peoples' opinions on this topic are all over the map.

You know, there's more I'd like to say about people who try to scare you away from IA, but I think I'll bite my tongue this time.

[angelkisses0102]

You need to talk to the parents who have been home years, not months...go to frua and read...really, really read the attachment & bonding issues. Read the parenting issues. Read and be realistic about what MAY happen.

I have more than sugar coated our story with our son...most people do NOT share the hard cold reality because they do not want to seem like they are not able to deal with it...the struggles happen much more often than reported here. Or even FRUA....and it takes years and years for many issues to surface.

If you want to be successful...be prepared. Being 'scared' isn't all bad but if you honestly don't think you can handle a child with attachment issues or learning disabilities or developmental delays...then you need to rethink your position on adopting from Russia.

JLYLE~
I am a adoptive parent twice over from Russia...one very difficult adoption, one smoother...but neither was easy... I am honest about most of the difficulties but it is impossible for anyone to understand how hard it is to have a child with attachment issues until you spend a day in our shoes.

I love my kids more than I could ever say...but do some research on the number of disruptions that happen...it is shocking and sad...

Again talk to people who have been home for years...who have school age kids....who can look back over the process and really explain how difficult it is to know how your child is doing until you can look back and see the difference and the changes...

So yes, I want to 'scare' people with the truth...because it is not always a smooth process and again you will not know until AFTER your child is home how they will do...and then it's too late. I have met people in this process who are completely unaware of what they are getting into...now that is scary!!

Karen

[GCS]

Although it hasn't been easy, I wouldn't say we've had problems. I guess it depends on your definition of problems. Our children are happy, they are in line with their peers developmentally (or ahead of them) and they are very affectionate with us. (I won't say attached yet, but we have had great progress!)

Our children are getting healthier and better adjusted everyday. We hope that this trend continues.

That being said, we've only been home 9 months. We really wont know for years how the children have adjusted. Because of this, I keep on these forums, keep up with my reading and look for signs of trouble - not because I am hoping it will be there - but because I want to be able to give our children what they will need and those needs may change.

I am hesitant to label our children but I would not hesitate to seek professional help when needed. We have already had EI testing done on our oldest and will likely have the baby tested next year.

I was prepared for the worst and I have been so pleasantly surprised. DH was prepared for the best and had a little bit of a harder time at first. Now we are all on the same page (and he doesnt tease me about all the research I do/did!)

Christina

[waxhawfamily]

Our new son is amazingly wonderful!!!

He is pleasant, good natured, warm and likes to cuddle. He is sweet, and obeys well. It took him over a month to really feel as if he belongs to us. He was good before he really began to attach, and sometimes it was hard to tell that he viewed us as strangers first, then care givers, then friendlies, and now, just under 2 months home, I can say that he views us as family. His transition has gone better than we could have ever imagined.

However, our bio son threw us for a loop. We are now (two months later) in counseling with him. We thought we had him prepared by talks, books, etc., but he has reacted badly (not horrible, but just bad enough to seek help). I think his behavior was approaching a point of needing some new tactics anyway. The adoption of a child who could touch his stuff just sent him from teetering on the edge, to over the edge.

We are starting to smooth things out, and once school starts back and he isn't with our new little guy 24x7, I think things will get better - also, time is one of the best adjusters.

Every time DH and I started to evaluate the risks, we would always go back to what prompted us to start the process in the first place. We truely felt called by God to venture down this path. That being the case, what right did we have to doubt? Although, we are human, and we did go through periods of doubt - as we all do.

Put your faith in God, and pray daily for your family, your child to be, and the transition.

[Kasey]

I think everyone has given some amazing insight. I agree that all parenting is a leap of faith, you just never know what will happen, I grew up with a cousin who was born without issues and at 13 months developed bad meningitis and is severly handicap, he is 23 but functions at a4-6 year old level.
Our son has done very well in the year he has been home, some minor health issues, but we feel we were well prepared, his head circ. was not on the charts when we came home, so he underwent a lot of testing and we were told that we may not see anything until school age, so while we don't dwell on the maybes, we have educated ourselves on the possibilities, so we are prepared and not caught off guard. As far as bonding an attaching goes, even though it is a continual process, we feel we all have done well and it has been such a wonderful year!
Life in itself is a leap of faith, you have to take that leap sometimes to reap the rewards!
Best wishes!

[MustangLippy]

I appreciate all the honest feedback. I've learned a lot from this board. I hope that more APs will post to this thread. Especially those that have been home for years.

Sometimes the struggles that people post about sound akin to a lot we've been through with our bio son. So I am really trying to get a handle on what to expect. We've sought help in dealing with his "intense" personality and he's definitely been a challenge at times. But not anything we weren't able to deal with. In fact he has a cousin that is 6 months older, and the 4th child in that family, who has some of the same headstrong personality as our child (though not as strong) and his parents said that if he'd been their first he'd have been their last!! So it always makes me wonder just how difficult is it to cope with the potential issues and would we be strong enough to cope?

I look forward to hearing more feedback. Keep it coming. I certainly want to learn, learn, learn.

[momm2be]

Take Forrest Gump for an example....

Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what your gonna get.

The first thing about parenthood is that there are no absolute knowns and every child is unique. Fitting a child into a preconceived expectation is a recipe for diasaster - even if it is just milestones like walking or talking.

There are no guarantee with health or intelligence with bio children, domestic adoptions, international adoptions.

I am the daughter of two Ivy league graduates - of 4 children - two excelled in school, two did not; one excelled in sports, 2 were average, one a klutz; 1 excelled in music, 2 were average, one was awful; all have bad allergies, 2 have asthma, 1 depression, 2 bad joints, 2 bad backs; 3 good careers, 1 still finding their way.

We have a preconceived low end of the spectrum. The bottom line is you can't take the low end of the spectrum of all these differences and tie them to one kid. Its just not how the cards fall out.

When you are looking at a referral, be it a 1 yr old or a 6 yr old, you will have no idea what this kid can achieve by age 18. How many parents have said - looking back at their grown child - if I had only known he good have <<fill in the blank>> I would have done more to support him there.

Taking a child from unknown background is a leap of faith, but in reality so is having a child. There are 3 grandchildren from the 4-some above. One child came with alot of issues - surgery at 14 days for a benign condition, heart arrythmia at 5 weeks, sensory integration disorder diagnosed at age 4 , speech delay dx age 3, special ed services - kindergarten. And he's a bio child- the sweetest thing that we (the extended family) could not live without. Also an extremely bright, & loving child.

So much of these disasters are based in a false perception. To often the pipe dreams that everything will smell like roses do not come true,the truth that motherhood is filled with poop, vomit, boogers, anger, sorrow, frustration and with all that you still love this child with every ounce of your strength.

The bottom line is we need to stop sugarcoating the stories post adoption. The agencies need to better prepare the adoptive parents for what the immediate future brings and what the late future could bring.

Okay- I am off my soap box now.

[kimber413]

Sorry, this is really long.

We've been home almost 10 months, and our daughter seems to be attached very well to us, and is very loving and caring, sweet and smiling. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far we are all happy and healthy, and she is well above her age level in everything except speech, and that's coming along nicely, too.

But, as with birth, in adoption there are always risks. You definitely want to check out some of the posts on FRUA, but keep in mind that not all of them are factual. A few I've read in years past turned out to be complete fantasy from sad individuals who had nothing better to do than stir the pot. That's the problem with FRUA, and the reason I no longer visit that site (although now I hear it's not quite so anonymous and requires registration). Regulars there are able to weed out the fact from fantasy pretty well, though, so you can pick up some good information.

Can there be problems with these children? Definitely. Can they be difficult to handle? Absolutely. Tough on your family? Sometimes devastating. Of course this could be true of a bio child as well. Many a bio child has attachment issues, anger issues, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, drug addictions, etc. Do you stop loving them as their mother? No, although the particularly challenging child may make you wish you could.

I guess my point is, you could have the same issues with a biological child, although they are coming from a different place. What would you do then? How would you handle it? You'd get as much help as you could afford, and you'd work with them to try to make them better. That's what being a parent is, and as Holly said, if that is a profoundly scary concept for someone, they definitely shouldn't take the leap.

The best you can do is hire a good IA doc to look over the information and give you an educated opinion. When you go on your first trip, take the list of things to look for that your doctor should have given you, and really, really look for them. Don't just feed the child animal crackers and try to make them smile, but study their behavior. The worst thing that can happen is you turn down your referral and accept another one or take extra trip to Russia. It's hard to be so objective when you see their little faces, but it's what you have to be prepared to do (I went there completely neutral and it took me a while to make up my mind, but my husband was already convinced Kaitlin was ours when we got on the plane in L.A., and he couldn't fathom the fact that I still wasn't sure up until a few days before court).

So, hope for the best, expect the worst, and you'll be okay. Bad cases are rare, but they do happen. It's good to check out help that's available in your area BEFORE you go on your first trip. Be prepared in case problems do occur. I don't think any child has absolutely no issues (as good as Kaitlin is, she's very emotional at times, is obsessed with shutting doors, but cries hysterically if you shut the door to her room at bedtime). And sadly, not all adoptions work out. But folks who go into the fire with a good education in what to expect and what to look for are far more prepared and far more successful than those who cast a blind eye to possible issues. Keep your eyes open, your mind watchful, but your heart free to accept whatever comes your way.

[Javalita]

We're home with our son for just over 4 months. I am very focused on attachment and health issues. Physical healthwise, things are looking good. He's just one year old now and we continue to monitor his development, etc.

Attachment is another story. He is *very* strong willed. We have progressed quite a lot - lots of affection given and taken, comes to me when hurt, etc. But eye contact (up close) is stressful for him - we're working on that. If you had asked me after 2-3 weeks of coming home, I'd have said he is attached. Wishful thinking! Read lots of books and just be prepared - not for the worse necessarily, but for the journey. It just takes time, so be realistic.

[KiraLin]

The above posters are right to emphasize the need to be prepared going into any adoption (or birth for that matter). I work with kids everyday and I think I had as much or more of an idea of what I was getting into prior to my adoption. I have several friends who have birth children with pretty significant special needs so I know from them how much of an impact this can have on a family. I remember saying to my best friend , "I'm not looking to adopt a child with special needs but you get what you get and you go from there."

I traveled blind and was matched with a nine month old girl and was aware of several risk factors when adopting but followed my gut and accepted her anyway. I'm a believer that things happen for a reason. She has now been home for over a year and will turn 2 in a few weeks. Does she have issues...yep...can they really be awful (screaming fits, sensory issues, accident prone to an extreme, suspected FAS or ARND) YES...but she is also the sweetest most loveable little girl I have ever seen. She has charisma and personality to spare and is gorgous to boot. (Shirley Temple look alike). Everyone that knows her falls in love with her. Many of them are so taken in they do not see her issues. I just had to change her daycare because they couldn't handle her needs...mostly because they refused to set limits on her and coddled her. It was a hard decision but she is a child that requires CONSISTENT limits and she is now where she will get that (in addition to lots of love). Do I have regrets...NONE...but there have been days when I have been counting the hours until I could drop her at daycare because she can be so intense. I also think that she would not have fared well had she been adopted by someone who had unrealistic expectations. She receives 3-4 hours of early intervention a week and has had countless evals/dr appts. in the last year. My friends have asked me how I deal with it...but its not like you think about it that way...you just do it because that is what your child needs. If you are prepared, willing to do what any child needs and educated yourself as to what that might be in any given case...then you are ready. If you want a cute little one to dress up and show off and brag about their accomplishments...don't do it. No child however they come into your life is a walk in the park all the time but nearly every child is a walk in the park sometimes...I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything! Good luck to all of you on your journey.

[LilyMoon]

We were also concerned about possible issues that we would not be able to handle before adopting. Reading boards like FRUA and EEAC listserves make you aware of all the possible outcomes of IA adoptions. We went ahead anyway cause my gut was telling me that this was the path I was meant to take.
Fast forward and we have been home with our daughter almost 2 years. We adopted her at age 4 and certainly had some adjustment issues to deal with when she came home. She needed to learn what a Mom was, what it meant to live as a family and what it means to trust and love unconditionally. With lots of time, effort, patience and attachment parenting, she did learn all these things and is a wonderful, caring child who is such a bright light in our lives. She is everything I could have hoped for in a daughter and more. This was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Follow your heart, but use your head. Get specialists to review your child, research attachment parenting and parenting a PI child. Be prepared for both the hard work and the rewards.

Best of luck to you!
LilyMoon

[tbristow]

We've only been home just shy of 6 months and I know we won't truly know until he's in school, but Hunter is a happy child that other than sinus problems has been very healthy. We have seen no evidence of attachment issues and neither have the 2 people that evaluated him. The first 2 months was rough from the perspective of hitting the ground running with a child that you didn't get to break into gradually. He is charming and a horrible flirt. He's incredibly funny and an overall joy. Other than the fact that he's a boy, he's developing no differently than my bio dd's did. Some of it it "Hunterese", but he has a vocabulary of over 50 words and understands most everything we say.

Interestingly enough, it is the little girl from China (home 9 months--about Hunter's age) at Hunter's day care that is having attachment issues. Her parents have never even seen her smile.

Would I do it again even with all the risks? Absolutely, if we ever recover financially.

In truth, it was easier for me than I expected. I too was terrified that something would go wrong. I went to attachment seminars, read up on the subject, prayed a lot, took one look at the picture and video almost one year ago and lost my heart. There was no turning back. I do think that agencies and social workers need to do a lot more to prepare parents (especially first timers) for what may be to come. Maybe the homestudies need to be a little more intense and follow ups closer together. I certainly hope that the Russian authorities consider those options before condemning children to a life time in institutions. If the statistics are correct, 10% would die after kicked out on their own anyway. While 13 is a horrible number, 10% of the children in orphanages over there is SO much higher. (Sorry, got to rambling).

Anyway, Hunter is fine so far. If that ever changes, we'll get him help. At least with him, we know to look for it.