[waitinginnj]

My daughter will be 4 in October. My current plan was to have her party at school - cake and goody bags with her class and a small party at home for family and a some families that we socialize with - about 12 adults and a handful of children of various ages.

She just came home with her first offical "kid" party invite. Am I being a scrooge with no kid party at 4? The reality is that if I had a kid party, it would be the kids from school and two 3 1/2 year olds in the neighborhood.

My gut is that there is enough time for kid parties and there is no reason to start now. She is the oldest child in her new class, so she will be the first birthday. I can't use last year as a basis for my decision as we had a bash for 70 people to celebrate her birthday, first anniversary of being home, baptism etc. The major theme was birthday. That was truly a once do it once type of party.

Any thoughts from birthday party veterans?

[angelkisses0102]

T~

Speaking from experience...we had a small family party for the 1st Birthday...fine.

We went to Chuckie Cheese's with about 12 toddlers for the 2nd B-day...DISASTER>>>Meltdown city.

For the 3rd we combo-ed the kids 2 birthdays and a going away party for us...probably similiar to your party last year...much too big. Bounce House, pools, ice cream cart...food, drinks...Mommy Meltdown.

Also, we are verteran's of about a dozen kid parties. The absolute best so far was the daycare parties we did this year for their 2nd & 4th parties....they are in their 'own' environment...with all their friends...and no crazy giftgiving. I know that sounds crazy but the gifts can easily get out of hand...both giving and recieving.

I 'copied' what some other parents were doing at their school...some even bring in clowns or characters to the school...

I think this year was the best...for everyone involved...we had a small party last night at home...she thanked me this morning for 'THE BEST BIRTHDAY OF HER LIFE!' awww....I wanted to cry when she said that!

Good Luck! It was a tough decision but we are so glad we did it.

Karen

[Vicki H]

My sisters waited until their children were 5 before they had kid parties. Hope this helps.


Vicki

[karenjoe]

My sons 3rd bday party we had a comedian/magic guy come to his daycare and do a show for him and his class. We brought cupcakes to have after. V. nice! The caregivers helped hand out the cake and we didn't have to deal with gifts (he has ENOUGH toys - trust me!). It was all done in a little over an hour. Then we had a quiet party at home with family. On the flip side, we've been to several 3-4 year old parties of his friends. One at their home, 2-3 at Chuck E Cheese, and one at an animal park. All nice - but a bit more involved. We think we may do a party for his 4th. Now that he's seen his friends get the gifts that we bought THEM that is. ;-)

[spaypets]

Ahh, Waiting, I'm with you on limited kid parties.

The rule of thumb, according to my wise mother, is invite no more children than years. So a party for a four-year-old would have four friends.

DD will be 4 in November. Last year, we had one playmate, his parents, my parents and cousin and her dh. This year, we owe invitations to three friends and one cousin. The cousin lives out of the area, so I'm on the fence about inviting them--it would involve inviting her older sister I fear. One of the friends has an older sibling who will likely get invited because they do socialize...you see how this snow balls?

Anyway, we're fortunate, that the other kids parties (with the exception of my neice who had a big party at a gym) have been relatively small and casual (most included beer for the adults, which, IMHO is vital to surviving children's parties).

A lot depends on the culture of your community. In the suburb where my brother and his family live they have big parties, usually at some sort of venu and they don't even open the presents!! My SIL said it was too overwhelming for the kids to open 16 presents or whatever, so they put them in a garbage bag and took them home to be opened later, which IMHO teaches kids nothing about the joy of giving, and everything about acquisition. But, that's a rant for a different thread.

[waxhawfamily]

I have read books about this with really good suggestions:

A rule of etiquette for kids is that, if you have a kids party, invite as many kids as your child's age plus one. So if your child is 4, you would only invite 5 kids.

This is a GREAT rule to go by. Too many kids at a party is not only hectic to deal with, but the kids don't all enjoy it either. There is no good activity you can do with a large group. Often young kids are intimidated and get left out of activities, it's a lot of work and clean-up, and so on .....

It is often a good idea with younger children, not to open gifts at the party. They want to stop the party and play with whatever gift they have opened. Younger kids actually get tired of opening tons of gifts (yet another reason to severely limit guests). Also, the gift giver often wants to take over the gift they gave, or there are sharing issues.

As for what age to have a party, well they really start to become aware of others having parties and whether or not they have a party by the age of 3 or 4 (at the latest). My personal opinion is to have a party every year between 3 and 5 or 6, then negociate whether they want a big gift, or a party. Or explain that they can have a party every odd or even year, and on the alternate years, invite one best friend out for a special dinner.

Also, there is no need to have 3 parties (school, family, kids). If your family already gets together to celebrate everyone's party, that's one thing. However, if they don't, why clutter up a small kids party with a ton of aunts, babies or older cousins????

If you feel the need to do something at school, you can simply send cookies or cupcakes to school to recognize your child's birthday, without making a party out of it. Their teacher most likely already lets them have a special task or position for the day on their birthday (like line leader, or teacher's helper, etc.).

Another rule of etiquette is that if you open a gift in front of a gift giver, you say thank-you then and don't send a thank-you card. However, if you open the gift without the giver being there to personally thank, you should send a card.

I hope you can get something useful out of my gleanings from etiquette books.

[dlhall]

My daughter had her first kid party this July when she turned 4. It was a lot of fun, but a lot of work! I felt like I needed to do it though since she had been invited to a lot of parties in the last year and she had been talking about what she would do at her party since January.

I had planned to follow the rule of the same # of kids as her age (so 4 kids), but then I had to invite siblings and return invites of parties she had gone to and before you know it, we had 8 kids, plus her, so 9 kids total. And then I found out later that I had hurt some feelings of some other friends and relatives because they weren't invited, but there was no way I could have handled more.

I'm a very organized person, so I had the party events set and activities planned for the entire two hours they were here, but nine was probably too many kids. Next year, we're going to find a way to make it less. (She's already talking about what she wants to do next year!)

If you're daughter is not expecting or planning on a kid party, I'd hold off another year, but if you do decide to have a party keep it small!

Liz

[HollyB]

Waxhawfamily- Michele-
Thank you so much for those suggestions. I have a daughter turning six on Labor Day and wasn't sure how to handle this. (We have five other children.) I like the idea of the number of guests in relation to the number of years old. I also LOVE the idea of giving them a choice between a big gift or the party. Of course we'd still do a cake and candles with just our immediate family and probably grandparents.
Isabella has been begging for Kit (an American Doll) for over a year. The catalogs come to my house and she rips out the pages and keeps them in her room. The dolls are quite expensive, but now I'm thinking, it would certainly be comparable to throwing a party. Thanks so much for the great idea.
Holly

[momm2be]

Speaking of Kit...

I bought my daughter Kaya about one month after coming home. We went to the American girl restaurant for dinner one night and she picked out Kaya. Her aunt had promised her a small AG of her choice, but when you see the full size, you can't say no.

Well Kaya - was my daughters best friend for the most difficult month home. Everything I explained to Nat, she clearly explained to Kaya. It was priceless to hear her tell the doll as we passed through the Lincoln Tunnel the same things I had told her the month earlier. Talk about helping with adjustment!!!!!

Its different than a regular doll, they are so lifelike it doesn't take much imagination for them to confide in this doll as they would a sister or a friend.

looking back at what we gained from Kaya i would have payed triple! Though now a days, Kaya pretty much 'sleeps' all day. But she is mentioned on a regular basis - I'm saving this for Kaya, doing that for kaya, when she is older.

If Isabella is you newest child - I was saysplurge for the doll, and if you are near a American Girl store - take her for the full experience of lunch/dinner and shopping for her best friend.

[sak9645]

A lot depends on what's available and customary in your area. My daughter had her 4th birthday party at a facility called "Imagine That." Unfortunately, it is no longer in existence, as rent and insurance got too expensive.

The place supplied a party room, a host dressed as a clown plus a helper or two, paper goods, pizza, birthday cake, and drinks. It also set up and cleaned up, and provided a bag for taking presents home. I chose a theme from one of several suggested by the facility.

You could have up to about 16 kids, which was good, as my daughter had lots of friends from preschool, from our China travel group, from our local Chinese playgroup, and so on. Parents, of course, were welcome, and you could provide things like bagels and coffee for them.

For the first part of the party, the children did an art project related to the theme. Each child got to take home the object that was made. Then, the clown lined everyone up and took them to a sink for handwashing. Meanwhile, other assistants cleaned the tables and put out the food.

The second part of the party involved eating the food and singing Happy Birthday to the birthday girl. But all was NOT over when the eating was done.

Imagine That was sort of a discovery museum. People often came there on rainy days or when their children were bored. For a set fee, you could stay there as long as you want -- playing dressup in a full-sized playhouse, pretending to be a newscaster in a "TV studio" where you saw yourself "on the air", climbing on a full-sized pirate ship or firetruck or ambulance, playing in a sandbox, dancing wearing a tutu in a little area that looked like a ballet classroom and had music, playing unusual musical instruments from around the world, etc.

After the birthday party, the families who attended could use the facilities as long as they wished at no charge. While some kids were ready for naps by the time the party ended, others stayed around for another two hours or more.

I stayed until all the families left, making sure that the children remembered to take home their art project and having my daughter say goodbye to them. My daughter LOVED the place, and enjoyed the time to play there.

Of course, around here, birthday parties outside the home are very common. I can't tell you how many parties my daughter attended at a local gymnastics center when she was in the 3-5 year old period. She wasn't "into" gymnastics, but a lot of her friends took classes there, and were thrilled to have birthday parties involving the use of trampolines, parachutes, balance beams, etc. under close supervision.

We also attended 4th birthday parties at a local fire station, at swim clubs/pools, and so on, as well as inside people's homes and in their back yards.

While some kids have in-home birthday parties, outside-the-home parties remain popular now that my daughter and her friends are older. It's just easier for the parents. Here's what we have done, over the years:

Age 2: No party, just a family dinner. Becca had been home only six months and was not really able to grasp the whole thing.

Age 3: Took Becca, three of the kids we traveled to China with, and their parents, to a local restaurant that had great food for adults and was kid-friendly. The waiter (a favorite of Becca's and an unemployed singer), did a silly rendition of Happy Birthday. The families could order off the menu, with the bill coming to me. We bought each of the kids a very large, special cookie for dessert.

Age 4: Imagine That, mentioned above.

Age 5: Imagine That again. The crowd was different, since Becca had started kindergarten and had many new friends. And we did a different theme.

Age 6: In our new home. We had an entertainer whom we knew from the local JCC do a magic show/light show. While the kids were eating, afterwards, he filmed them and then, before the parents came (around here, parents don't usually stay once kids are 6), did a quick edit of it to show them. Later, he set it to music ("Who let the dogs out?") and sent me a copy for our enjoyment. The theme for the decorations was "Smiley Face".

Age 7: For some reason (Mommy brain? Senior moments?) I'm blanking on this one. I'll post when I remember it.

Age 8: We had a party at a place where you paint and fire ceramic objects. The cost depended on the type/size of objects that I chose for the kids to make. I supplied paper goods and food, including a cake with a picture of Becca in her Chinese dress, and helped clean up. The staff taught the kids how to do the projects. This was actually the most expensive party I have given.

Age 9: We had a party at the stable where Becca rides. The stable provides a rather spartan party room with refrigerator and restrooms for the food/drink part. Staff from the stable lead a tour of the facility and talk about horse care. The kids have a treasure hunt for candy in a clean, empty stall. They have pony rides and a hayride. I provided paper goods, birthday cake (this time with a picture of Becca in riding clothes), pizza, soda/juice, and ice cream, plus balloons and decorations. I also set up and cleaned up.

During these past few years, Becca has gone to lots of birthday parties. They have included such things as: a big slumber party; a pool party at a local hotel; a party at a place where girls get to style their hair, put on makeup, and so on; a sports party at a local YMCA where camp counselors organized a variety of outdoor games; a trip to a movie theater to see a G rated movie.

Some of these parties probably cost the parents a good deal -- like the one at the hotel, where the parents actually rented the entire pool facility, with lifeguard. Others were definitely not expensive. As an example, the one at the Y was very low-budget. But they were all very enjoyable.

At-home parties are great, but they involve a lot of work for the parents. They also can wind up being just as expensive as an outside venue if you have entertainment, which is becoming customary in many areas. And many parents simply don't have large enough homes, with long folding tables and such.

So doing a party outside the home may be a perfect solution, whether your child is 4 or 14.


Sharon

[waitinginnj]

I'm going to stick to my original plan. Cake and goody bags at school. Then a family/family friend party the next day. I will deal with the kiddie extravaganzas next year and thereafter.

The outside of the house parties are big around here, but I have decided it isn't necessary. She has been invited to the first party from school for the end of August. I am going to wait it out and see if the other parents start this or not.

By next year - I don't think that I will be able to avoid it! But for now, at least so far, she seems excited just to have a pinata!

Good luck to everyone in their birthday adventures.