[LiseK]

For anyone who has completed their adoption, what do you find to be most helpful or supportive from friends and family?

Lise

[votemom]

If it is the waiting period (before they actually get to go meet their child, i.e. first trip), I think it's great to take an interest in all that they are talking about. Listen and ask questions. It's a whilrwind of emotions during this time of anticipation. Definitely don't second-guess them or say things that give them doubts. (Note: unless you SERIOUSLY doubt their ability to be a parent! Then, I think you have an obligation to ask some direct questions - to do a reality check with them.)

If it is the time BETWEEN trips, let them know that you care and you are thinking/praying. Also let them know that you want to hear of any developments that they have. But don't ask constantly, "have you heard anything?!" Believe me, if they have heard anything, they will let you know. Perhaps an occasional card of encouragement, or going out for coffee. This time to waiting is excruciating - especially right now with the state of affairs in Russia.

If it is AFTER they come home with their child, ask them if they need help and specifically what they need. Let them know that you are available (if you are) and that you honestly want them to call if they need help, someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on.

I think providing several frozen meals is a wonderful gift. If no family is around, perhaps offer to have their house keys so that you can water plants, etc., and have the fridge stocked with some fresh food upon their return.

It is completely exhausting to travel back and forth from Russia to the U.S. It's possible that they will pick up a bug from the food/water there. They will be wiped out and really need time to physically recover. Plus they will be on emotional overload. Respect their need for time alone with their child. Again, let them know that you want to come visit when they are ready. They will let you know when it's time.

If you can afford it, a wonderful gift would be to have a cleaning service come a couple of weeks after they are home (with their permission, of course). If you cannot afford that, perhaps pair up with another friend and come over and just clean the bathrooms and change the bedding. During the child's naptime would be good.

Most of all, listen and encourage. Only give advice if you really sense it's desired.

Sounds like you are a wonderful friend by even planning how you can be helpful!

[waxhawfamily]

Once she is home with her new child:

Drop off a meal for the night after they return home. She will be unbelievably tired and will be diving into adjustments immediately.

Call after a few days just to check up.

Bring a gift over along with the meal. It's so nice to know your friends are embracing your new addition, but reserve a small amount of your gift budget (which doesn't have to be large to begin with), so that you can bring a small gift the day you get to meet the child.

Don't get hurt if she doesn't have the capacity to talk much for the first few weeks, or if she doesn't invite you over to meet the new addition for several weeks (the attachment process requires isolation for a while).

After she has been home about 10 - 14 days, call her up to see if she is interested in dinner out, just the girls.

Friends are so important, she will be very grateful to you for whatever you do.

[Jim_in_PA]

Just being there, no matter what...and there will be a LOT of "what" for your friend between "now" and "then"!!

[momm2be]

I wish I had educated my close family and friends better - it would have made my first few months a little better.

• Go food shopping for them.
  Drop in, but don't expect to stay long
  Leave some prepared meals in their fridge when they get back.
  Help them with the wash
  Help pick up while they nap
  Don't hover over the baby
  Teach your other friends the right way to welcome home a new child - don't over crowd, leave primary care to the parents

[lippylulu]

I can tell you that I HATE when people tell me "as soon as you come home you'll get pregnant".

[ddahl]

Yes Lippylulu is right about that pregnancy comment... I hate it too. I think the most wonderful thing my best friend said to me as was wallowing in the trrows of despair was , you know, you are such a strong woman and I just know you will make it through this and I admire you. I was so blown away as I appeared to myself to be at my worst. I have looked back on that comment and it has carried me through some tough moments.

Also, if you have mutual friends I would suggest throwing a cash and carry baby showere with a combined cash gift from all of the friends. People have given us some neat stuff and not to be rude at all, but we got a stuffed animal that is the equivalent of two nights in the hotel in Moscow. I know it sounds bad but everyone wants to give the baby something toy etc. What the baby needs is to get the heck out of there and come home. JMHO. Also, an orphanage donation shower off sets the cost of gifts being made to the baby home. Suggest a snow suit shower or a hats and mittens party! Just some ideas....most of all just being a friend does wonders...

[skling69]

The pregnancy comment even bothers me, and we choose to adopt without fertility issues. And don't ask everytime you see or talk to her "so have you heard anything?" If you do ask and you get a very long winded answer that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, don't let your eyes glaze over because you really weren't interested in the long answer. Do some research on Russia. I would have loved for just one person to understand, why Russia, why is he in the orphanage.

[lakimnafite]

Also, understand that although to you a referral might just be a picture and some basic data on a piece of paper - to them it's their child. They are officially paper pregnant. If that child is lost, for whatever reason (we lost one to birth parent, and another to a terrible illness), it is a miscarriage. We lost our second daughter AFTER meeting her, and I was amazed that my 'best' friend just said, oh, sorry you are having problems with your adoption. WHAT?!?!? My daughter, who I have been carrying in my heart for 9 months is dying! I was shocked at her response.

[ready2adopt]

Dinner at Wolfgang Puck's...

A wonderful bottle of Hess Cab...

A movie twice a month (with popcorn as a treat )...

Your contagious giggle when I really need to hear it...

There isn't anything you could do more than you've already done for me, Lise. You're such an incredible friend and I thank God for you, everyday. I don't know what I did to deserve you in my life. Thanks so much...


Love,


Shawn

[amanda_p]

I completely agree with the "have you heard anything yet"....I just think being there is great. Adoption is a rollercoaster ride. There are highs and lows. The highs are great and the lows are awful. The waiting is so tough. It just seems like it is never going to end. We hurry up to wait. Sometimes the waiting is unbearable and thats when you can listen.

Also for my shower, my family all brought donations for the orphanage. Because money is tight, that helped so much. If you are crafty, gifts also have to be brought to the orphanage caregivers, facilitators, driver, etc....anything to offset the cost is so helpful!

It sounds like you are already a great friend!!!

[Dobby]

I found that when I wanted to purchase something for the baby or house that was baby-specific, people kept saying, "but you don't know how old/what size/right color" etc. A friend of mine called periodically and said, "let's buy stuff for the baby!" And we'd go walk through baby stores. Not even necessarily to buy big things, but she knew that I needed to keep getting little items to make it seem real.

Same thing went for the shower idea - no one in my family wanted to throw a shower until we returned home, yet there was so much we needed in the house to start off with (first child). My friend coerced my SIL to throw a shower between trips. We registered for "neutral" things (crib sheets, books, videos, colorful toys, diaper stuff, the list went on and on!). Some in my family later said that the shower finally made the adoption idea "real" to THEM too. Although, some people are superstitious about having showers until after they return. We figured, we needed the stuff anyway no matter if we lost our referral or not.

[LiseK]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and suggestions. And if you have other ideas or comments they too would be greatly appreciated!