[nhook]

I know that some of you have said that your child clings to you and not to dad but I have the opposite problem. My child does not scream or cry around me but whenever anyone else (especially dad) is around, he ignores me. He will jump right into dad's lap but will not show any affection to me. Dad always plays with him and so he probably thinks that mom is boring. Does anyone have suggestions on how to get him to bond with me more?

[dlhrmsp]

Dad is probably a novelty right now, since mostly women work in the baby homes caring for the children. There are some things you should be doing to promote bonding with your son. I'll PM you a helpful article. Right now, the most important thing is to limit your child's exposure to "strangers", that is anybody but mom and dad.

[angelkisses0102]

please, please read up on attachment parenting and adopting toddlers. speaking from experience with a little guy who struggled with the bonding process, and based on your recent posts, your little one is struggling with this process, in my real life experience, personal opinion of this.

if you only have time to read one book, read building the bonds of attachment. it is a must read for anyone who is or has adopted a toddler.

my uneducated guess is that he views you as 'just another caretaker' who may or may not be there tomorrow. now is the time to establish your role as primary caregiver, along with only your dh, no one else should be allowed to be involved with any aspect of his basic survival; eating, drinking, bathing, sleeping, soothing, etc.

i know it is difficult but i promise it does get better in time. and it is so worth it when they finally realize they can trust you.

[Dobby]

It sounds like your little one is a toddler already, and there are different bonding issues with that than an infant. Roman was 10 months when we got home, and he really favored Dad for the first couple months. There were some struggles and I would get so down - trying to care for him all day and then end up crying when Dad got home because he clearly preferred him. Over time, it began to switch - now that he spends more time with me, he clearly prefers me. I agree that men are a novelty as it is women in the baby homes who care for the children.

I myself have not read any attachment books so I can't speak for that. (is that heresy, to adopt without reading an attachment book?! ) But I can reassure you that our first summer home, looking back on it, was not so enjoyable. The adjustments in your own day, your marriage, and trying to help your child adjust to his new life. Whew!

[gabsdot]

Andre is 18 months and when daddy is around I don't get a look in. I think it's because he sees me all day and daddy wrestles and plays boy games with him.
Often he'll cry if daddy leaves the room, even if i'm right there. I'm so insulted!!! (not really)

[ddahl]

Just a thought but can you get you DH to include you in the together time. By that I mean can you encourage your DH to hug you while holding the baby or maybe hold the baby's hand and touch your face gently. Also I have been told that time on the floor in the family dog pile can be helpful too. Sometimes showing is good. Like when you teach children to be nice and to play gentle. FOr example my niece is a rugged little thing and my sister had to show her to be nice to the other kids and animals etc. Just a thought. Sometimes the parental hand off after work is confusing and maybe babykins is like hey her shift is over having possibly only had a one on one care taker relationship. COuld be he just needs to be shown a dynamic of three..... Look at me I don't even have my baby home yet and I am going on and on like the Dr. Phill of attachment... I will shut up now.....

[kimpob]

I wouldn't say that this is an attachment/bonding issue. A friend's of mine has a bio child and she has gone back and forth to whom she prefers. One day its mom the other its dad. Especially, when she is tired or upset, she prefers mom. Usually mom is her first choice and if daddy is watching her then she is ok with daddy doing what she needs.

Our daughter (adopted 8/04) does the same thing. We did our 1 year post placement meeting with the social worker yesterday. She asked us if Emma has a preference to either one of us. We said yes, me. She told us that one of her sons (bio) was just like that. A momma's boy for a long time. The social worker wasn't concerned at all. I have also read that when they get to be about 3-4 years of age they will flip and prefer the other parent.

So, I wouldn't worry about it at this point. Keep giving him the same affection, love and playtime that you are doing.

[brandydawn]

Our agency required us to attend a 7 hour parenting class it in which it focused on attachment.

They actually advised it that children tend to bond first and quicker to the father. The advise we were given was to to have mom soley handle all the nurturing activities for the first 6 months (bathing, feeding, diapering & bed time).

I am not an expert by far, however what you are describing is what they told us to look out for so we knew we needed to do some bonding activities.

I agree with angelkisses, think it would be a good idea to read up on the subject.

Regards,
Brandy

[rastachris]

My problem is a bit different. DS is around me all day long and then seems to have a tought time transitioning to having dad in the house. When DH comes home, DS runs away crying or screaming. Not scared by any means but almost mad or frustrated that he's home. Once DH has been home a while then the fun starts and all is well. This has been going on for about 6 months or so.

Every child is different, and especially with the possibility of attachment issues, I second the previous poster's suggestions of having only mommy being the sole caregiver for the first long while. All of the attachment literature I've read says to do this. I feel bad for the dads, but it's worth it for the child.

[GCS]

My 3 year old was infatuated with Papa at first. Everything he did he imitated and he wanted to be with him night and day. But Daddy went back to work and he was with me and now we both have very important but different roles in his life. DH was a novelty and DS was a little afraid and distrustful of women in general. We noticed this right off with him. So I gave him time and never got ruffled when he ignored me for DH. Today he will tell everyone that he is Momma's baby and he will always be my baby even when he's all grown up. And I do still baby him. We rock and use holding time to help with attachment. Sam has definite attachment issues, but we are patient and he has come such a long way in 6 months. Hang in there and remember that they're still babies!

Christina