[ahnasmom]

With Mother's Day coming up, I find myself thinking of my kids Birth Moms and wondering about them. This is the first year I am really thinking about them and being curious about them. I wish I could let them know how well these kids are doing. I wish I could thank them for the most precious gift they have given me. I wish I could know them.

All along I had said I wanted a closed adoption but now I think twice about that. I worry about the future questions my children will have and what kind of answers I can give them. I sometimes feel so selfish.

Anyway, is this normal? Does anyone else feel this way? I think most of this started with Alex's adoption and finding out about his birth family...his parents are together and have 3 other children...but he was the 3rd baby in 3 years...so.... I just wonder if she thinks about him.

I don't know, maybe I have PMS, maybe I'm emotional because I'm turning 40 soon, maybe it's my new medication...but it is on my mind.

I am not trying to stir up any controversy here at all...but any Birth Moms who read this, I am interested in your thoughts on this too...especially in a closed adoption like Russian adoption is.

I'm sure most of you have seen this before but...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Legacy of an Adopted Child~~Author Unknown

Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One you do not remember the other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun
The first one gave you life,
And the second taught you to live it
The first one gave you a need for love,
The second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name
One gave you talent,
The other gave you aim
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears
One sought for you a home that she could not provide
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied
And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question unanswered through the years
Heredity or environment which are you a product of?
Neither my darling, neither,
Just two different kinds of love.

[melcas]

I can't relate to your feelings about birthmothers yet, (although I can understand your wish to thank them and let them know how great the kids are doing, I have even thought about that)

It's a beautiful sentiment, and, I would think, perfectly normal. You are just feeling emotional because you love them so much (and maybe for some of the other reasons you mentioned!)

What I really wanted to say was: thank you for sharing the beautful poem!

Mel

[Katie63011]

I think of Luke's birthmother and father. It is a similar situation to your son's. Luke was the fifth child. The first two the mother kept in the home and the next two were adopted by Russian families. During our court hearing, the Judge asked the adoption center representative why this woman kept having babies, she was a working woman and had the means to have an abortion. All I can say is I thank her with all my heart for not having the abortion. I think that she must really have loved the children she gave up not to take the easy way out.

Since we have his birth mother's name, there is good chance that as Luke gets older he might want to try and find out about his two siblings or birth parents. I would encourage him to if he wants to. There is little to no chance of finding the children adopted by the Russian families because of the closed nature of the adoption.

I am glad that I chose Russia because of the closed nature but in no way do I feel less gratitude toward the birth mother and father. I chose it mainly because I want it to be Luke's choice when and if he tried to make contact, not part of a written contract. I think growing up is difficult enough without trying to figure out the second mother in the picture.

Some adoptive parents I know don't talk about the birth mother, but we do even though he is only 2. We have a lot to grateful for and I am very grateful to Luke's birth parents.

Katie

[RBSVARCHER]

I know this may be harsh, but NO I do not think of her during special times. I do thank God for our son's birth and the plans God had for our son..... way before we even thought of adoption.

Our son was removed from his "mother" and was placed in the hospital. His right arm shows scars where "something" happened to him while he was under her care. He was never visited at the hospital by his "mother" (4 months) nor at the orphanage by his "mother" (8 months). She has moved from the last known location and left no forwarding address with the court. She was also ordered by the court to pay the orphanage 1/4 of her income which was never done. She made her choice very obvious.

So, when the special days roll around I am selfish and it's "ALL ABOUT US - MY HUSBAND - OUR SON - AND MYSELF.

Susan

[Vicki H]

I do from time to time. I thought about her a lot on Alex's birthday. I wonder if she thought of him, if she was worried that he was still in an orphanage.

I am grateful every day for Alex. I think about his siblings as well, I know there were others that had been placed in an orphanage as well and I wonder where they are and hope they are well.


I truely wish that I could let her know how well he is doing and how much we love him.

Vicki

[ahnasmom]

Susan-

I am sorry you have so much anger. That is not the situation either of my children came from...obviously that makes a difference.

[SingleMama2B]

I Have to say, I have thought about her alot. My situation is somewhat different. I feel very bad for her, as she passed away, when my daughter was 5 months old. The Death Certificate states simply "Poisening". I feel soooo sad that she had died soooo young. I pray that she knows that her little girl is doing very well, and happy.

[Dobby]

I do think it depends on the situation, but I do think of Roman's birthmother. We were told he has her eyes and cheekbones, and that she was very beautiful. She also made her choice very plain, but I like to think that you can't give birth to a child and not think about it every once in awhile. Don't dash my hopes out there, people!

It is possible for Roman to hunt down his birthmother if he wanted, but based on the circumstances of the relinquishment I wouldn't encourage it. I'm just thankful she made the choices she did.

[boatsun]

I do think about the birthmother frequently. Our boy was her fifth child, two others died. One died of an infection and the other died after birth of RH negative factor. It breaks my heart to think that our boy could have been aborted. She did the best thing she could have done. From what I understand the family was very poor. I wonder how often she wonders what happened to her son. I also wonder if we will ever getting a call saying that he has a brother or sister and if we want to adopt the child.

[tbristow]

I think about Hunter's birthmother often. While I know she abandoned him at the hospital, the woman at the MOE told us that a woman matching the basic information came to visit a few times. She never laid claim to him and was only there those few times. I think that she just wanted to know he was okay and that she made the right choice. Even though it may very well be false, we have the information she gave at the hospital and will give it to him if asked.

As common as abortion is over there, I would really like to thank her for not taking the easy way out. I can't even imagine what may have caused her to make the choice she did or how it may have made her feel. May God bless her, wherever she is...

[LHecht]

I too think about how common abortion is in Russia and am grateful our girls' birth mom gave birth to them rather than the alternative. I often wonder if there is a sibling we don't know about (our two are 6 years apart) and whether we will get a call someday asking whether we would wish to adopt their sibling. Our girls have the same birth mom, but different birth dads. They have such different coloring but every day our little one looks more like big sister, and we think it tells us a little about what their birth mom might look like. I wonder: when they were born, did she look at them and see how beautiful they are? Does she wonder about them now? Or was she just glad to be giving them up? I wish she could know what precious girls they are, and I hope that she is happy and finding peace in her life.

[momm2be]

I do, but I don't feel grateful to her. Don't know why, but I have a clear separation of my dd to her. I think this child was meant to be mine regardless of whom she came from - I am grateful to the persons in Russia - coordinator, judge, prosecutor, orphanage director - all mothers, who saw the clear need for this child to be placed with me.

[Abdulina]

I have alot of different perspectives and opinions on this one. We have the 5 children so far, all adopted. Now, our two from ORenburg have been home 6 years in June. Just to let you all know, they WILL ask questions and you WILL want to know answers. I am in a very tough situation right now with my 12yo daughter. It is even written in our will that our kids are not allowed to see any court docs until they are 18. Good reasons for this and won't get into it all. Lets just say abuse and leave it at that.

Anyway, our 12yo wants to know everything. Unfortunately, by the nurses accounts, she delivered her and walked off the birthing table. (probably drunk at time by only my quess here). She lied about everything so I have absolutely no information to give my daughter. That hurts her and me. But I admire her for leaving her at the hospital. That was a conscience decision on her part and took bravery. She gave her life. A precious gift. She weighed 2 lbs when born and spent 4 months in ICU. But grateful the mother did just throw her away or leave her to die. (get to that scenario a little later)

Our other son is 10 and adopted from the same place. His mother sign her rights away the day after she was born. I have some information on her but not much. They were in a very small village--donkeys for transportation, very poor, etc. She also showed tons of courage.

Next two children were adopted last May. One is now a 9yo girl, already asking questions. She was placed in the orphanage at 7 months old. Her mother never visited in 8 years until she found out we were adopting her. I guess a final goodbye was needed. She has a sister we are trying to locate. Long story--we were severely lied to in Stavropol and such a mess. So fortunate to just get her out of the country. Finally, almost a year later, we are finding out some truth b/c people are now allowed to talk. Yeah. We will search high and low and have a good idea of where her sister is. The mother never visited but at least she had a heart to place her some place better and to say goodbye. That again, took some guts. It was traumatic for me to say goodbye after we hosted her. I couldn't imagine saying goodbye for goo. We still keep in touch with her Godmother. she actually called yesterday. We plan on taking her and my other daughter back to visit there. Maybe next year, but who knows. She did not know her mother but loves her Godmother dearly.

Our other son was adopted the same time as her last year. he was 3 at the time. Now, my husband and I have this thing where we never really sit down and read the court docs until a few weeks after we've been home. We want to form our own opinion about the kids. Do the same with the medicals. Anyway, would have never thought I could feel so sad and tearful just by reading what had happened to our son. He was left to die. He was found naked, frozen, and dying in an apartment w/ no electricity in the middle of winter. She left him to die and before that would leave him days at a time to fend for himself. This was at two years old. She appeared in court but did not want him and did not care. She did not have the courage or heart to place him in the orphanage. He was taken away. He was abused. Don't throw the kid in the air-- he's terrified. He had been dropped before. It is also obvious he saw his prostitue mother have sex. At 3, he knew more words than he should about the body. Very hands on me when he first came home. Told him we don't touch there. He's perfectly fine now but suffered quite a bit. It's also obvious he has seen drugs stashed. He has taken candy, cut a hole in the box springs and hid it under there. He also climbed on the counter, put candy in a ziploc bag and taped it behind the toilet. At 3, you would have had to have seen thisdone before. I know he went through alot and you can tell he was probably abused to a certain extent. Did we know any of this prior to adopting him...no. Found it reading court docs months later. Do we blame her, a little. but mostly blame the environment she was in. Wished she'd chose differently. And surprise, he has a baby brother that we will probably never find. It will be hard to tell him all this, but he'll want to know.

Our final son has been home for just 3 months as of today. I think of her more than the other mothers. It was just a totally different, welcoming experience with this country. I went to the orphanage and spent day after day there for 10 days, about 8 hours each day. Keep in mind, this was a place where mothers and children could go to get back on their feet as well. I got to experience and see the look on these birthmothers faces and how difficult it was to relinquish their children. Many other societies see some children as defect no matter how minor the deformity. Sad. This was a very hard thing for these mothers to do. Our case in particuliar-- touching yet difficult. She loved her son. By the way, he is BOTH our sons. There ARE two mothers for this boy for sure and we both love him dearly. She kept him for 7 months until her husband made her place him in the orphanage b/c he was deformed. Missing his right leg, clubfott on left leg. No big deal to us. She visited him whenever she could which was quite a haul from where she lived. Made sure she was there on every birthday. even this last one right before we were coming to adopt him. See, though she placed him, she never gave up hope. When his father was killed in a work accident, she was coming back to get him. However, she lived with his family at the time and they kicked her out on the street with her two small children. She knew she would be unable to care for a third child with medical needs that could ony be taken care of hours away at the capital city. She has tried to make it on her own but has faced every hardship imaginable. I admire her for this. She wanted to meet us and we agreed. However, a massive snowstorm prevented this meeting as well as some MOE officials. You could hear the pain in her voice. We sat with the orphanage doctor when she called her. All she wanted was to see us, say goodbye to her son and get a picture of all three children together. We want to make this happen and hopefully we can when we go back. (tell you later...stay tuned) He has a 5yo sister and a 3yo brother back with his mother. If anything ever happened to her, the children have no one but will always have a home here as well. No one knows what the future holds. I just know she loved him to the ends of the earth. Do I think of her, every time I look at my son.

All our children came to us through different reasons. There is no reason to be bitter. They are better off now, though my 12yo will sometimes disagree when she's mad at me b/c I won't let her wear skin tight pants. All our birthmothers gave us a wonderful gift. We owe them a thank you even if they weren't thinking at the time they may have hurt our children. Our children are no worse for wear and are enjoying life. Think of them how ever often you'd like but be sure that your children will think of them when they get older. It is a part of them that will never be erased. I can't wait to meet our son's birthmother. We have her picture and a picture of the whole family. Priceless. As is a mother's love no matter how strange it may seem at the time.

Just my thoughts as I do more searching for my children for their birth families.

Good luck all.

Stephanie

5 kiddos home--??? more to go!!!

[ZTALDY]

I am in tears as I read the above post. We are so thankful for the gift that our childrens birthmothers have given us. I look at them and wonder do they favor their birthparents? I wonder if either of the Birthmothers think of them? I cant imagine that they dont. We chose Russia b/c of the "closed adoption" God has softened my heart to birthmothers. The birthmothers are notifed of the adoptions and know that they have come to the US.

In Guatemalan adoptions as a part of the DNA testing process PAPs will receive a picture of the child's birthmother.

My heart hurts for the fact that my beautiful little boys were not wanted. I can't fathom it. They are the light of my life.

I thank GOD every day for the gift he has given us. It was part of the plan they were chosen for us.

[scarlet52698]

I can only speak for myself but you can't imagine how often I have thought of my son and his family over the last 18 years. Every birthday, every mother's day, every Christmas...... At the hospital when my twins were born I thought of him, when the doctors wanted to keep my daughter an extra day after she was born to run some tests but were discharging me.... I couldn't leave. I made my husband rent a hospital room because the thought of leaving a hospital again without my baby was to horrifying for me.

Waking up in the middle of the night in a panic to make sure all of my precious angels are still safe asleep in there beds because I had a nightmare that someone from the adoption agency was going to take them.

Sitting quietly while friends talked about their pregnancies and birth stories.........wanting to share mine but not being able to.

Yes..........this birthmother thinks of her child often and I always will.