[Emily1118]

We are just beginning research on adopting an older child from Russia. I have read a lot about referrals recently but I am having a tough time getting the answers what I am looking for. I am wondering what happens if you accept a referral, but after you've traveled to meet the child you realize that she/he is not the right child for you. Do they give you a chance to get to know any of the other children at the orphanage? What happens if you "click" with another child that you do not have a referral for? I would appreciate any information/experiences you could share.
Emily

[sandy67]

Well the child is not legally yours until court is over, so at no time do you have to accept this as your child just because you've accepted the referral.
In most cases you won't have a chance to 'click' with other children because most probably you'll only get to interact with your referred child.
As for, your question......if you decide this isn't the child for you once there, can you get another referral.......well that depends on the agency. I know that with my agency, if you travel and the child doesn't work out (although it is usually only because of medical reasons) they will try their best to find you another referral on the spot. In fact I met a family this happened to. They traveled to Moscow city, the baby obviously had health issues not picked up on referral video/pics, and the agency found them another baby while they were still there.

Good luck to you!

[Alison_inPA]

Emily, congrats on considering an older child adoption! (As you can see from my sig below, we're in that boat, too.) I think what Sandy said above is correct, i.e. that many agencies will make an effort to find another child for you if things don't work out with your first referral. Your chances of finding another child are probably better in a region where more adoptions are going on. Don't be afraid to ask agencies you're considering about this.

When we were researching agencies the impression we had from some is that they focused very much on babies. While such agencies certainly can do older child adoptions, we detected a certain lack of enthusiasm or knowledge about the process from some. A lot of other factors go into choosing an agency, but how many adoptions they do in the age range that you want is one to consider.

Also, regions of Russia differ a lot, so just because the older child adoption experience has been good in one doesn't mean it will work in another. An agency should be able to tell you what regions it works in, and then this board is a great resource for getting info on the process in that region. Also, most of the regions have Yahoo groups with adoptive and prospective adoptive parents posting in them. We have found the one for our region to be very useful.

I'd also like to put in a plug for hosting programs as a way to get to know an older child before you make the decision to adopt. In these programs, the child will stay in your home for a few weeks, usually during the summer, so you can really get a chance to decide whether the placement will work. When you travel to meet a referral, you really only get a few hours of contact with the child in most cases. This is one of the major reasons that Jim and I have chosen to host rather than go through the regular referral process. If there are hosting programs in your area, you may also be able to get a chance to meet some of the children whose host families aren't planning to adopt. (Some families host just to get the kids a chance to meet other families.)

There's a Yahoo group for hosting programs, too. It's called 2Hostkids, and the posters and database there could help you find a program in your area. Also, there are several host adoptive families on this forum, too, who can tell you more about the pluses and minuses of that route.

Sorry for being so long-winded. You seem to be going through a lot of the same thought process that Jim and I did when we first started, and I wish you much happiness in the journey. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss further.

[mikeintexas]

I don't have the experience that you are describing. But I did just bring home a 5 (now 6) year old. I'd be glad to talk to you about what the first four weeks at home is like should you be interested. Just PM me when/if you get to that point.

Good luck with everything!

Mike

[flanderz]

My agency has an excellent program for older Russian children (I think its five and older.) The children come and stay with you for the summer and both sides get to see if its a good match. I think its a fabulous idea and its what turned me on to Russian adoption (I wasn't even considering international until I heard of this program.)

Ultimately my wife convinced me that we should go a little younger (2 yrs old) for our first child. We are still considering the program for later though.

Send me a PM for the name of the program (Its against the rules for me to refer to the program by name here.)

[waxhawfamily]

I understand this as a concern. Personally, I had these thoughts myself, and really had to take a step of faith to proceed.

The reality is that if you don't "click", you don't have to sign the letter of intent to proceed in adopting that child. However, what happens next may be somewhat unpredictable. Some are able to see other children, some are not. Sometimes it depends on the agency, or the region, or the individual you are dealing with. Your best bet is to speak with your agency about your region on what the "trend" is. Trends are about as committed as our agency will get in discussing hypotheticals (spelling??).

[Emily1118]

Thank you all for your help. I feel much more comfortable starting the process but just knowing where to start. I never even thought that this might be a question to ask the agencies when the time comes.

We are very interested in the Summer Host program and think this is the way we are going to go (again when the time comes). My only fear of the summer program is that it is not an official referral and the child may be referred to another family before staying with us.

We are just beginning the "planning phase" now...I think we will begin the home study in a year and a half or so. I wish it was time now, but my dh and I decided to a least be married for three years before a child comes into our lives.