[proudmommyof 2]

While we are still stuck in the endless wait for a court date, my mind is now on something else. Everyone wants to hold the babies when they come home, but I want to be able to hold them more.

Here me out on this. We brought our 4 year old son home when he was close to 15 months. He was just starting to walk, so anytime you picked him up, he'd put up with it for about a second and then want put back down to explore. He's still a very active boy, and the only cuddle time I get with him is when he is sick or tired.

Anyway, I was laying in bed last night, and I forced myself not to think of whether today would be the day we get a phone call for a court date or not. So then I started to think back to when we brought our older boy home. Tommy turned 1 on Tuesday, and I really thought we'd have him home by Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then definitely his birthday. Now I'm aiming to get him home before he starts Kindergarten. :-) The precious days of him allowing me to hold him are slipping by at breakneck speed.

Anyway, please tell me how to handle the well wishers, who we love, who will be at our home day and night as soon as we bring him home, and will wrench him from my arms and not give him back to me until it is time for him to go to bed. For some of these people, being direct about things will just cause WWIII, and icy stares and no contact with him at all. I know they love us and love him, but I can promise you this: No one has had as many sleepless nights worrying about his health, the state of US/Russian politics, and whether we'll ever get him home as much as I will. With Dennis, our older boy, I will admit, though I am ashamed, I enjoyed being in Russia, because we were just a family unit without any interference. I was actually a little reluctant to come home, because I knew I'd be knocked out of the way and not be able to hold him.

Please don't waste your time and tell me how selfish I am. I know I should be more giving. But darn it, I missed the first year (and counting) of each of their lives, that precious baby and cuddle time, and I don't want to allow others to have me miss the next few months until the newness of a new baby wears off. Please help me deal with this in a nonconfrontational way. Any advice would be appreciated!!!

[Kasey]

be up front with them now and blame it on the doctor--that is what we did!!

We told everyone they could meet us at the airport and we would spend like an hour there visiting but for the first two days at home, no visitors then we would schedule visits.

The IA doc instructed us for bonding that only DH and I were to feed him, change him and hold him when he cried bottom line, it was very important for him to realize we were it, his parents, his primary caregivers, etc... We told our family this right after we received his referral and reminded them of it often until we left for trip 2. Yes it did cause a little anxiety, my mom not being able to come back up for two days, crazy MIL who thought all the bonding attachment stuff was hogwash, but in the end everyone respected our wishes and it worked out great. We kept visit small so not to overwhelm the baby and also it was great for family because they had alone time with him and they were all great about as soon as he cried passing him off to one of us, although I did catch MIL trying to feed him abottle one visit, but I nipped that quickly!

Yes you may hurt people, but they will get over it and if they don't that is their problem not yours, you need this time to get started on bonding and attaching, to get settle into a routine, so don't ever feel bad about it!! Just start preparing them now, I even had a progress note from our IA doc detailing what we needed to do, and I showed it to MIL who didn't believe it at first!
Good luck!

[Vicki H]

I would just be up front with them, this is what I did. I explained about bonding and possible attachment issues.
I did allow grandparents to hold him ,but only for a few minutes.
We were lucky as no one was offended and my extended family called , but did not come over. We had Alex home about a week before Thanksgiving and the family would talk to him, but really didn't ask to hold him until later in the day.
I don't think anyone in this situation is being selfish, I feel you are doing what is in the best interest for the child, they need to bond with their parents first.

Hope this helps,
Vicki

[waitinginnj]

Preparation ahead of time is key. Personally, I wouldn't worry for the one or two hours of visiting after coming home, but after that I would take back control. My parent's visited, but that was pretty much it for the first week. The second week I was going to start some visits in small groups, but my daughter got sick so we postponed. (It was true in my case, but could be a convenient excuse). My daughter was very wary of people. So before visits, I would ask people to acknowledge her when they came in, but then allow her to approach them on her own schedule. It worked great. As my daughter would get more comfortable, she would interact with the new visitors at her pace and within her comfort zone. I would continue to talk to her and hug her in between interactions to reinforce my role.

All of my visitors respected my requests. Remember that so much is going to be dictated by your new little ones personality.

[skling69]

I have a six year old son who is and always has been a snuggle bunny. Even now if he does not get his daily snuggles he gets grumpy. That is what he calls it snuggling. He tells me to come lay on the couch with him because he wants to snuggle. I know you want to snuggle your son now, and when it finally happens you don't want to share any of the precious snuggles you have worked so hard for. I think you have years of snuggling ahead of you. When we are snugglied up I always think that I only have a little more time of this left, and so far my time has not ran out. Don't feel selfish, you have worked your butt off to bring this child home, and you deserve every "reward" from it.

[bratgirl]

I agree with everyone else. You NEED to be able to cuddle with him. YOU are his mother - NOT the family members and well wishers. Just let the people know that your IA doctor has specifically stated, for this child specifically, that you and hubby should be the only ones to hold him for the first several weeks (or months). Some children may be traumatized by a stranger trying to hold them. I like waitinginnj's plan to allow people to acknowledge the child and then let the child come to people on their own time.

In our experience, Hayden has NO stranger danger. He would walk up to any random child molester/murderer and talk to them or give them a hug hello! Very scary for us! Helena is very shy around strangers and gives them dirty looks and clings to us. Hayden chose to go to my mother, but Helena only wanted her mommy.

Maybe let the people give your son a quick hug or kiss, but limit the actual holding. Also, limit the time a person visits. You will be so tired, you won't want so many people coming around, anyway.

Good luck with everything, and know that you have support here when you need it.

[drazil65]

I agree that there is a set amount of "airport time" and then go home. Be upfront and just let everyone know that you need family time for the next (whatever amount of time you choose) many weeks and then maybe grandparents are reintroduced at a slow pace etc after you timeframe is up. You have already been throught it once so you know how things can be, tell people and make sure you stick to your plan. This was an issue for us but I put my foot down and it has been wonderful for our son to be able to attach properly without interruption. We had grandparents over little by little after our time was done and then extended family and friends. We feel there is a solid foundation because of the effort, maybe it would have been the same if we did not do it this way but we did not want to chance it. Now our son behaves towards strangers the way he should, does not look for any kind of comfort outside of my husband or myself. He has never slept away from home (we have only been home about 6 months and its just too soon and not necessary at this point), we are always his primary caregivers (when not at daycare during the week) and we have just been adamant about our plan with him. Its made a world of difference and because you have insight already do what you know you need to do. The adults will have to get over it as your obligation is to your son, you are not being selfish you are just being a mom!

[dlhall]

I agree. You're not being selfish! We made sure everyone knew before we picked our daughter up that only Mom and Dad could feed her, change her diaper, put her to bed etc. They would be allowed to play with her, but anything involving caring for her needs had to be done by us as to enforce bonding. If you need to, have them read about the importance of bonding.

Liz

[spaypets]

We told people waaay ahead of time that the experts all recommended that we limit contact with people outside the household for several weeks.

We told people that until we had DD checked out by a doctor to make sure she had nothing contagious we didn't want ANY company. Then we limited it to small groups. And we outright said, that in order for her to know who her parents were, we would be the only ones to feed/hold her in the beginning. In truth, she was very wary of anyone besides us (that was a good sign).
It's for _his_ well being and attachment to your family. Anyone who is unwilling to abide by that can leave, IMHO. If they're not able/willing to accept that you are the parent who makes such decisions then it's best if they aren't around.

This has nothing to do with your needs, but everything to do with your child's needs.

[Beaglepup]

I do not have a child home yet, so don't have any direct experience. However, I do NOT think you are being selfish at all! And even if the bonding issues were not there, I still don't think it's selfish for us to want to hold our kids as much as possible. I always envisioned myself with a little baby, and now I'm trying to adopt a 16 month old. That doesn't mean I don't want to hold her as much as possible. I think that's only natural.

I've told my family and close friends that in the beginning we are the only ones that will feed, bathe, put her to bed, comfort her when she cries, etc. I also said not to expect her to have sleepovers for a LONG time. I've waited so many years to have a baby that I'm not sending her off that easily. LOL

I have explained to them that she may not have bonded with anyone previously and it could be difficult for her to bond with us. If what we have chosen [us only caring for her] to do turns out to not have been necessary, then what did it hurt? Nothing!

She's our child, so it's natural we would care for her. I think people would understand a nursing mom not letting anyone else feed her baby. It's not that much different. We have something that she needs, that no one else can give her--we're her parents.

I think you have to be honest with them and those that are bothered by it too much don't matter.
Beth

[kimber413]

What everyone is saying is right. Blame it on your doctor to keep them off your back, but be firm and tell them that they can't cuddle, feed, change, or otherwise comfort the baby for the first few weeks. They'll just have to get over it, because it's necessary for attachment. My MIL and sister also tried to bypass my rules, and I told them right away that they weren't to do any of those things until the attachment period was over. MIL got insulted, but she got over it. Sister ignored me part of the time until I gave her hard stares (she's always ignored what I ask... LOL).

Explain to them that this is something you HAVE to do, because otherwise the child is just going to think of you as just another caregiver and not his parent. Sequestering yourselves for at least two weeks is a very good idea if you can do it.

You are not being selfish, you are instinctively craving that attachment that you get when you carry a child for 9 months in your body. You don't get to do it the bio way, so you want to make up for that. It's only natural.

[erickk]

Our caseworkers told us that we should stay in seclusion with our child the first month we were home in order for good attachment. Yes, parents and families members were allowed-they had waited too--BUT only for a very short period and perhaps not holding our child too much. It is too confusing for your child. We told everybody this up front-how important it was for us to bond with our son. They understood.
When we got home there were banners all over the house from friends-they wanted to be there some how and it was so kind.
My sister's family picked us up and there were tears of joy but we were fried (perhaps something to stress to family and friends-you and your child will be tired from all the travel, etc) so they just took us home, helped us unpack and told us to call when they could come for a SHORT visit.
Two days later I called my sister and told her they could come visit-but not for more than a half hour. They came and about 15 mnutes into the visit we could tell our son was getting confused (my sister and I look similar and sound exactly alike). I said-sorry, you have to go. See you in a month. We had talked about the importance of attachment earlier so she understood.
The next day my DH's family came. We told them the same thing but they don't listen as well . When my MIL started doing her "Come sit with granny, why won't you come sit with granny" I picked our son up and said, boy there are a lot of you here and he is getting overwhelmed. See you in a month. They were not happy but left. Then a month later DH's family threw us a baby shower so they could all officially meet their grandson, cousin, nephew... Nope they were not happy that they had to wait but as far as I was concerned it was our call.
Our son was firmly attached to us by the end of a month. We have had friends who did not do the 1 month seclusion thing and now regret it.
Give yourself time to be with your child. You have waited a long time. And yes, so have they, but you are his parents and you are more important and if anyone begs to differ, well
Good luck and keep those hugs and kisses going with just you for as long as you can.

[irinam]

I recently attended a class at our agency and they spoke specifically of the caretaking thing (i.e. feeding, clothing, putting to bed, bathing, etc...) but didn't mention not having others hold them other than not to let them "comfort" your children.

I am also a bit nervous about this. I try to bring up attachment issues, but everyone thinks I am paranoid. Even my mother, who I am so close with, knows someone who came back not too long ago with her son and he did "just famously" and was left in a mom's morning out a couple days a week after being home 2 weeks.....not saying anything is wrong with it, HE LOVES IT!! But, it SO important to us that our baby bonds with us first and foremost, and others later.

I think its going to be trouble for us all around. I know my inlaws are excited, as are my parents, but I know it could get messy. My in laws are wonderful, and I don't want to hurt their feelings. With my mom, I will just tell it like it is, and she will be fine, but I am worried about the inlaws. Especially since they don't think "attachment" is going to be a problem.

AHHHHHH!!! I told my DH last night that I do want to limit everything for people around, if for no other reason than I want her for ourselves!!!

How long is normal for you to have to be careful? (two weeks, a month?)

Thanks!

[algal]

So, keeping all this in mind... when would it be suitable for a child to enter daycare?

[kimber413]

Originally Posted by irinam

I am also a bit nervous about this. I try to bring up attachment issues, but everyone thinks I am paranoid. Even my mother, who I am so close with, knows someone who came back not too long ago with her son and he did "just famously" and was left in a mom's morning out a couple days a week after being home 2 weeks.....not saying anything is wrong with it, HE LOVES IT!! But, it SO important to us that our baby bonds with us first and foremost, and others later.

Well, just because the child your mom knows about is doing okay now doesn't mean he won't have attachment issues later on down the road due to not having enough one on one time with his parents. They may have just not seen them yet. I personally wouldn't do something like that so soon unless I had work issues that forced me to go back early.

As for how long, I think most people I've spoken with did this for at least 3-4 weeks, if not longer. We tried our best to stick to the "no one feeds, etc." for about a month, but of course there were times in there where family ignored our wishes. But I think the time alone with our daughter, since we were able to take 6 weeks off to be with her, helped cement those bonds so that brief infractions of our "rules" didn't matter much.

You can't expect new grandparents not to want to cuddle and snuggle with your baby, but at least try to limit the care, like feeding, changing and bathing, and comforting (while crying) to only you and your DH. You should be fine.