[keepingthefaith]

I guess I’ll start here. I am back from Moscow and things did not go as planned. . .

I was shaking the whole way to the orphanage to meet Andrei. I had bonded with this child by watching his video over and over for the past 2 months. All of the anticipation was about to culminate for us at this very moment.

All the emotions and love for him came pouring out when the caregiver brought him out to us! He still had the blondest of blonde hair and blue eyes, just like my husband.

We went to an adjacent room alone and cuddled him and kissed him! We tried to play with him, but didn’t know how to really interact with him. There really wasn’t much to play with and the room was so HOT. He was very congested, as were all the children, and we could tell he didn’t feel that well. More cuddling instead of playing was in order.

Right away, we noticed that one eye was smaller than the other. I guess I had noticed it somewhat on the video, but it didn‘t bother me. I had also noticed that one ear was smaller, too. Again, I saw that on the video and wasn’t going to turn my back on a child for that. One cheek was smaller as well. That could just be from constantly lying on one side.

After a while, we really began scrutinizing these features because they were concerning to us. Why would the left side of his face be smaller than the right? There is definitely asymmetry going on. At this point, I began to feel uneasy. Is this something medically concerning? What I did know was it was less pronounced in the video when he was 8 ½ months and definitely pronounced at 11 months of age. Was this going to get worse? What exactly can I handle? What does God want us to do?

My husband and I left while the children were put down for a nap. We could barely speak or eat. We watched the video that we had taken while at McDonalds. Something just isn’t right. We prayed to God for guidance on this like we had for everything else.

We went back to the orphanage for another visit and asked to speak with the orphanage Dr. again. Also, our agency director was there with us. We got his updated medicals and measurements to email to our IA Dr. when we got back to the hotel. We expressed our concerns and the Dr. said that the asymmetry is within normal limits. She was ticked off that we would even question that. I don’t speak Russian, but I picked up on the tone of her voice. I didn’t really believe it was normal, because not one child that I’ve ever seen ever had asymmetry like this. And I am a teacher! I’ve seen a lot of children and babies! Our agency director wanted us to watch him interact and play more since the first visit he was kind of lethargic. Our agency director knew we were uneasy about things.

Andrei did play A LOT more and was very strong. He seemed very happy and normal in every other aspect. I kept thinking. . .is this facial thing more than I can handle? What if this is a sign of brain damage or a deformity? Can I handle this? Am I a bad person for thinking these things??? My DH and I were definitely unsure of what we were to do. What I did know was we had come all this way and I would have never expected the trip to go like this. This wasn’t supposed to work out this way! It was supposed to be a joyous occasion.

That night at the hotel, we weighed our options as I cried like a child and shook. My body trembled. I did know in my heart God would guide us, but I was just so confused and sad and hurt and scared. . .

We emailed our IA Dr. the pictures and our concerns. While waiting for the response, my husband I decided that if she could assure us that this wasn’t a problem, we would go forward with this adoption. If she could not assure us, than we would have to decline. Well, our IA Dr. could not conclude what this all meant by just a few pictures. She could not say that all was OK. She suggested our agency have him evaluated by a Dr. independent of the orphanage. But we did not trust that. We did not sign for him.

So here I sit today, grieving for him. . .wondering what will become of him. . .wondering if we stayed on God’s path or not. . .I feel like we have forsaken Andrei.

Our agency said that they wanted us to look at another child that we could legally sign for during this trip. He was the only child that had served his time on the data bank and that we could legally sign for now. I couldn‘t believe and still can‘t believe that we were put into this position - or we put ourselves in this position. I prayed for God’s guidance in all of this. I knew that God was with us. I really knew it in my heart.

So we decided to go to a different orphanage to take a look. Why not? We were so numbed that we knew we could handle just about anything at this point. I had no more tears left to cry. I knew I could not feel anymore pain than I already was feeling.

That’s when our agency introduced us to Gleb. He is a seemingly healthy, beautiful boy who is turning 11 months in a few days. The whole time we were there, of course I hardly felt a connection at all. I realize this is normal. He was a complete stranger to me. (Now I know what the children must feel as they are adopted by complete strangers.) I kept thinking of Andrei the whole time. I just couldn’t believe this was happening. Gleb’s medicals look good. We printed out a growth chart and plotted everything. He is small, but following the curve. Due to the time change, we couldn’t email his medicals and pictures to the IA doctor. She would not be able to get back to us before we had to make a decision.

To make a long story short, we signed for Gleb knowing nothing is final until our next trip. That would buy us some time for all of this to sink in. In the meantime, we will visit the IA Dr. I will look at the pictures and video daily and try to bond with him. I’m sure it will happen. I just can’t stop thinking of Andrei and his future. My agency did come to his defense and say that Andrei deserved parents that were “head over heels” for him. I will not rest easy until I know he has a home. But I know his issue was too much for me to handle. To be 100% honest, even if it was not medical and just a social issue, it’s too much for me to handle. I guess that really is why I feel so rotten. I feel superficial.

Of course, now I am wondering if we traded in one problem for another. . .It’s in God’s hands. Right now, I don’t even want a baby. I’m so hurt and tired. I know after some healing I will come around. My husband is very excited about Gleb. But this adoption process for him has always been about logic rather than a spiritual God-controlled thing.

I feel that if this adoption doesn’t work out, I’m through with Russian adoption for a while. I can’t bear anymore pain right now.

Through all of this, there were definitely God sightings that I can share at a later time- maybe if and when we bring Gleb home. I said it like that because you truly just don’t know how everything will unfold. When you think you have things all figured out. . .you don’t. That’s the biggest lesson I take away from this. I also am going to stop obsessing about the adoption and live for today. I will continue to pray for the adoption process and of course for Andrei and Gleb. But I am too weary to do much more than that. And maybe that is a good thing. It’s all up to God. It really is. Thanks for listening. I needed to share this story with hopefully some people that can understand without being judgemental.

[Military Momma]

keepingthefaith,

Hang in there. You have the right attidute that it's in "God's" hands. Only you and you alone can know what you can handle and what you cannot. No one can understand you no matter what anyone says.

I am sure Andrei will get a home and the director was right. Andrei does deserve a family that is "head over heels" in love with him.

Give yourself some time to "grieve" for the loss of Andrei but all is not lost as Galeb will need you.

HOpe this helps,
Lisa

[aMarylandfamily]

We had a very wise and wonderful caseworker for one of our adoption placements (older child) who ran one of the training programs we attended and was very adamant about "if a child doesn't click, for any reason" pass on that child - he or she is not meant for you ...". And she was (and still is I'm sure) very right.

We applaud the courage it took for you to be able to confront and address your concerns and fears ... it takes more love than anyone can every understand to walk those shoes and know that if you had signed for Andrei it wouldn't have been with joy but with guilt which would have manifested in the negative at some point ... better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all ... but even better to know when to let go - the hardest part of parenting.

Hang in there - keep us posted - and do know others care and understand!

[Beaglepup]

Your in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that things will work out with Gleb. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Vicki H]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
I will keep you all in my prayers.


Vicki

[votemom]

You have been through the emotional wringer. You are exhausted from traveling across the planet. It is perfectly normal for you to be feeling all that you are feeling and to be questioning your motives, emotions, and whether or not you followed God's leading.

Now, you have time on your side...... time to rest, time to recover, time to think, time to pray.

What an experience - what a chapter in your journey.

Thank you for sharing your story - I know it will help many people who will face similar things in their adoption future. We all need to learn from each other's experiences.

Take care of yourself and keep looking up!!!

[amygp]

You are not superficial! The whole IA experience is the most stressful most people will ever endure, and it sounds like you are a very insightful person to realize that one child might not be best for your family, while another one is. That you have kept your wits about you to this point is a testament to your strength and faith.

People keep telling me that we wind up with the children we were meant to have. So try to look at it this way. If you weren't meant to meet Gleb, why would he have been available? Why would God have brought you to him and him to you? It doesn't sound like you passed on the first referral for selfish reasons. If you didn't feel emotionally and physically ready to parent a child with potential special needs, that's not a bad reflection on you. On the contrary, it's a very special person who can size up a situation, evaluate it objectively and move on if the circumstances aren't right.

THERE IS A FAMILY FOR ANDREI OUT THERE SOMEWHERE! I am not a religious person but have found that a little faith during this rough time has really been a comfort. That said, I believe God is looking out for these children and will guide us to do what's best for each of our families. Don't beat yourself up about it, though, and don't worry about not having bonded with Gleb yet. I didn't feel much of a bond with our little guy when we met him - I felt love and affection, yes, but not an instant bond. He probably didn't feel it either. That will come with time, as will the knowledge that you have made the righ decision.

They say God never closes one door without opening another. While I'm sure you will keep a place in your heart for Andrei, allow yourself to open up to the possibility that he is most likely not the child you were meant to have. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Here's hoping you find the peace you need to look positively toward the future.

[KGM]

Caleb needs you too. You haven't had the bonding time with him yet is all. It might be hard with the feelings of the first child weighing heavy on your mind. But remember you prayed, you asked God for guideness and he showed you the way to Caleb. He knows what is right for you and what is right for the children, have faith in what God has done. Watch your video and open your heart again for the sake of Caleb. It doesn't mean you have to let your feelings for Andrei go, you can keep them in your heart as well, that is okay too. It sounds like you have a hugh heart with lots of room for love.

Keep the faith. God knows what you can handle. He knows you are sad. Let him comfort you. Things will work out, you will see.

[ahnasmom]

Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story...you always have to do what's right for you and your family...and only you can decide that.

Take time to grieve the loss of Andrei and know that his family will find him...

Then take the time to develop feelings for Gleb...

Trust your faith...you will find the child destined to be yours...

Hang on and take care...

[drazil65]

This is so hard but think of it as this is the way God chose to lead you to "your" son. This was the path you had to take to find your son. Sometimes we do not understand why we have to go down a certain path but when all is said and done you will look back and say "ahhhh, so this is why". Trust your instinct and your choices and know in your heart that you did what you had to do for your family to go forward. Its hard but its honest!

[tnl0515]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I know you will stay strong as you have been so strong for everyone on the boards.
You wanted your trip to be so memorable and your expectations were set so high. In the end, it did not go exactly the way it was planned. You just have a different situation at hand now.
I will pray for you as you have done for so many of us on these boards. Things will work out for you, don't worry.
Laura

[kbrandi]

I am also sorry that this trip did not turn out as expected. I agree with everyone and you, that God leads you and all you have to do is follow. What is meant to be, I truely believe, will be. Thank you for sharing your normal feelings.

Tina

[mikeintexas]

My dear friend in Faith - God will not lead you astray. The emotion you are experiencing is normal. You are grieving a "loss." You will make the right decisions.

It seems that something my preacher said on Sunday has come to be true in your scenario. He told us that it is not always true that when God shuts the door, He then opens a window. He continued, sometimes when God closes a door, instead He wants you to "go head first through the wall." It seems you are in that situation. Take a step forward in faith. God will be with you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you through this tough time. I've prayed for yout his week while you were in Russia. This will all work out.

Mike

[waiting4babies]

keepingthefaith,

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I truly believe that everything that happens is a part of God's plan.

My husband and I originally planned to adopt three children from Russia and made our first trip to see two children. We immediately accepted the two children and they bonded with us instantly. Three months later we traveled to see the third child, a beautiful 5 year old girl that both my husband and I fell in love with. We visited the orphanage for three days straight, traveling three hours each way. We had been asked by the coordinator to make a decision on the second day; however, my instinct kept telling me that something about this beautiful child did not feel right. I noticed that she was very clingy to me; however, she was not responsive to my husband. My husband who does not pay much attention to things like instinct felt comfortable adopting her; however, I asked him to wait one more day before making the decision. Needless to say, I am so glad that we waited one more day before making the decision because on our third visit she accidently fell while playing alone and she blamed my husband for falling. She said, she wanted to kill my husband. Luckily, the coordinator and translator were with us while we were interacting with her and they saw the whole thing. The translator is the one that told us what she was saying. At that point, I truly believed that this child had a problem with male figures and thus the reason why she was blaming my husband who was nowhere near her when she fell.

We realized that we could not put the other two children at risk by adopting a child who spoke of killing as it were a normal word. We believe we did the right thing and this to me was a part of God's plan for us. We do not regret the money and effort we spent during this ordeal because we were still able to visit the other two children who are in a different orphanage.

Take care and I will be praying for you.

[waitinginnj]

I am sorry that you are in pain. We all hope that all of our ventures to Russia will be perfect. However, the other way to look at this is part of the reason you may have chosen to adopt from Russia is that you participate in the referral/acceptance process. This is not the case with some other countries. I see this as an example of the system working and the right child finding his family.

I hope that you are able to move past the grief and find the joy in findinging your son. May his medicals come back positively and you soon find the spot in your heart that says - the right child found us.